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Reviews for Last Chance

By : Quondam
  • From RogueMudblood on July 18, 2011

    My first piece of advice would be to give it a read-through before posting so you could catch the "my":

    "Her hands grasped and groped his lower back for the hem of my shirt,"

    It's an immediate distraction for me when the pronouns don't agree with the point-of-view. There's also the issue later on of "thy" when you intended "they".

    The "open mouthedly" was distracting as well; since I assume they're still kissing (because you haven't told me otherwise), what does his mouth being open have to do with his disrobing her, since his mouth is occupied in kissing her?

    Also, there's no transition between him sucking her nipples and sucking her labia. They're not anatomically adjacent on a human, so some telling of the journey down her body would add depth to your scene. I know it's PWP, but at least a little believability would be appreciated.

    The whole paragraph "She eased ... satisfaction, yet." seems out of place to me. One sentence, he's performing cunnilungus, the next sentence she's performing fellatio. I'm not seeing the characters move, so the paragraph doesn't flow with the story.

    From your AN at the bottom, I assume that this was something you typed while seeing the scene play out in your head; unfortunately, as a reader, I can't see it unless there are words there to describe it. To me, bits and pieces seem to be missing, so I can't really get into the scene.
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