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Reviews for Donna's Bitch

By : MTL

From ANON - Anon on October 25, 2010
Wow, congrats - a finished story! And you went out with a bang, so speak. How does it feel to finish a long story? I greatly appreciate you finishing this one, as it's one of my favorite stories from you. I hope this gave you a taste for finishing what you've started - I look forward to more endings to ongoing stories you've got posted here!

Well done!
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From on September 20, 2008
I agree with Wolvie, this story should just be between Jackie and Donna. This story is very hot.
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From ANON - Yeah on June 15, 2008
Great story.... PLEASE continue!
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From ANON - jarty on April 13, 2008
Love the new chapter and I loved it when you featured lorrie mabye you could include so other guest girls in That's 70's Show like the girl mickael dates in the first episode of season five of hyde's sister
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From ANON - Anon on March 01, 2008
I like the new chapter, especially the ending! Way to go, please continue!
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From on February 23, 2008
You made a great story. I enjoyed every moment of it.
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From ANON - jarty on February 18, 2008
Love your story please update soon,if you could please include a chapter where donna or jackie has sex with eric's sister lorrie
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From on January 02, 2008
I am on the second chapter and so far it is very hot and very good.
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From ANON - Anon on January 02, 2008
Feedback, pt. 2: I've posted my previous feedback without going over the reviews before (which is something I usually don't do). After reading all of wolvie's posts I have to agree with every single point made: It would be great if you could find a way to explore the non-sexual part of Donna's and Jackie's relationship more (I've already mentioned that I also love reading about the sex part, so please don't forget that either). I realize that they've only been together for a couple of weeks, so the two of them fucking like bunnies and not doing much else probably is realistic. Then again, relationships evolve, and so do the people in it. I agree with wolvie that it would be a great if you could work that into the story - if you still don't want to write a chapter without sex I guess you'll just have to write (even) longer chapters... ;-)
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From ANON - Anon on January 02, 2008
Ok, first of all kudos for staying with a story for more than a one shot chapter. Personally I've never really watched the 70s show or Smallville, but I think Laura Prepon and Mila Kunis are hot (and so are the Smallville girls), so that definitely helped. I can't help it but to me it feels as if the story got somewhat stagnant in the relationship between Donna and Jackie after the first couple of chapters. Sure, you introduced them to real S&M and added Chloe and Lana - a job well done I might add - yet they always seem to be doing the same stuff sexually: spanking, whipping, name calling, ass fucking, that's about it. I think it would be great if you could find a way to let the girls become more creative in exploring the S&M parts of their relationship more in the upcoming chapters. The butt plug and enemas was/is a nice touch, keep implementing ideas such as these into the story, it will help loosen (no pun intended) things up for the reader.

Nice writing, look forward to reading more of it!
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From ANON - Dove on November 14, 2007
I LOVE IT!!!
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From arthur29 on November 12, 2007
I like the vivid spanking detail, as to many stories on this board glaze over the actual spanking.
Great erotic detail of strap on dildo experience, especialy anal.

Ideas for further humiliation of Jackie.
A curtsey of respect showing her red spanked bottom and forcing the use of her sore anal canal muscles as she bends to curtsey.
Also farting in her Jackie's face, putting the scent of her domme lover on her face.

Thanks for the effort and I hope the stories i have posted are enjoyed and reviewed.
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From wolvie on September 10, 2007
I'm flattered that you hold my opinion in such high regard, so, as requested, here's a little response.

You talk a lot about not wanting to break up the group, but as you state in another paragraph, they're young - somewhere between 16-18, to be exact. I don't know, how old you are, but being 29 myself, when I think back upon those years, they were a time of great change. I changed and so did my friends; groups broke up and new groups were formed as people's interests went in all sort of different directions.
Add to that, the fact that we were going to different schools - some in different parts of the country - and you have the reason, why most people only have a handful of friends from back then, when they get older.
Changing, losing friends, gaining new friends - it's all a part of growing up.

Jackie wants to be a cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys. Does that mean, the rest of the group moves with her to Texas?
Of course not.
Eric went to Africa for a year, and while he was gone, new people joined the group for a time.
Donna wants to have a proper education and career, which would most likely involve a move somewhere.
Hyde has a new (black) father and sister.
Kelso becomes a cop and a father.
And so on...

I'm all for a laugh, but as for Donna taking over the group in the way you describe...
I can see it happening within your story (or even on the show), but as I think we both agree, she wants to make something of herself and live life by her own rules, which can't really happen in Point Place, and the way you talk about not really knowing, how to end the story, makes me think that maybe, deep down, you know that they can't all stay together forever.
That's what my ending was all about; people saying goodbye, moving on and making new lives for themselves naturally, cuz that's just what happens.

My point is, things change. That's life, and even though you're writing fiction, if things stay the same, the story will suffer, IMO.

I agree with you about Hyde, but consider this:
If Jackie is with someone else and he's not dominated by Donna, wouldn't he maybe want to be with someone else as well? And how would Jackie feel about that? And if she's hurt by it, couldn't that make Donna feel guilty?
Also, no matter the kind of deal he makes with Donna, at some point one or the other is gonna want to have Jackie all to themselves; it just takes one instance of Jackie having to say no to being with either one because she has already made plans with the other, for someone to get hurt and start to want things to change, IMO. You've already hinted at this with Donna's reaction to the encounter with Fes.
As for Eric, you can always send him back to Africa... ;-)

Maybe J&D being together exclusively doesn't have to break up the group. Maybe it would merely give you the chance to expand it with one or more OFCs?
Something to think about.

My last point is my views on love.
You can love all sorts of things and all kinds of people at the same time - foods, cars, family, friends, pets etc. - there's no limit to that.
But, you can only, truly, be IN love with one person at a time, and sometimes that entails having to choose between what's always been and what you'd like to be.
But that's just me.

Anyway, enough ranting from me. I'm very much looking forward to the girls' talk in your next chapter and will of course review that and the next (many?) ones as well.

- Wolvie

PS: I'm gonna be a total review-whore here. I don't know if you're familiar with Xena, but I'd love to get a review of my (so far) only story on this site, 'The Secret Scroll'. It's a bit annoying to have over 1600 hits and not get one review.
Oh and as for shooting this as a script: If I ever win the lottery... :-)
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From wolvie on September 09, 2007
Good chapter.

As stated in my previous review, I pretty much only read femslash, but the way you've managed to make it almost all about the girls - writing it in an almost internal, personal fashion from their perspectives, and making Fez a bit-player (in a way, simply 'there') - made it 'bearable' for me.

You write that the next two chapters will be exclusively F/F (YAY!), but I think, like I said earlier, that a 'discussion chapter' would be a good idea at this point.
While esp. Donna may have thought about one or both of them being with someone else, thought is one thing, deed another, and considering some of the things that happen in this chapter (the tension, jealousy, almost violence), they really need to figure out, where this relationship is heading before proceeding further.
They're certainly not, IMO, ready to include anyone else at this point (and maybe/probably wouldn't, had Fez not seen them accidentally).

Again, I wouldn't mind if the next chapter had little-to-no sex in it - if neccessary just make it shorter (or longer *hint hint*) - all I care about are the girls and the love they obviously share.
It also occurs to me that while they have used the L word, talk is cheap. A real date might be something you could think about them having ('girls night out' would be a perfectly believable cover story); maybe as prelude to a serious dicussion or the end result of said talk.

You also write that you are worried about breaking up the group if the girls break up with their partners and see each other exclusively, which is perfectly understandible, but I submit that:
a) you're already heading down that path by including Fez in such a manner. How do you think the others are going to react when they find out, which, given it's Fez, I'm sure they will?
And
b) Do you honestly think the others will accept J&D being together and still maintaining their relationships with their boyfriends?
IMO, Eric in particular will never accept Donna being with someone else. No matter how much he'd try to deny it, he is is very much like his father; i.e. a traditionalist. In his world, women belong at home or working as nurses or kindergarten teachers or other 'feminine' professions. And they certainly cannot be with other people sexually!
I've always felt that he and Donna are wrong for each other; she wants more from her life than to 'just' be a wife. I had a loose idea for a J/D fic once (or an end to one, really) wherein I had the girls move to San Francisco together after graduation, because I just can't see Eric and Donna being together for the long haul (Donna became a Human Rights lawyer and Jackie a cheerleader for the SF 49'ers. LOL). They simply want different things out of life.
Ironically, I could buy Eric/Jackie and Donna/Hyde based on their individual personalities on the show, but that's beside the point (and certainly NOT a suggestion!)

Another thing you have to remember is that you are writing a story to be published on line, NOT a script for the next episode (although I'd love to see this on screen), and while you want to be true to the show (which I applaud), ultimately this is YOUR story and you can put anything you want in it; i.e. if you want to break up the group, it's fine cuz it's your story. Focus on making your characters and plotline real first and canon second.
This is not a put-down, I've been in the exact same situation more than once, I know it's a difficult line to walk.

Just one more thing and then I'll leave you alone.
You need to give Jackie a safeword.
In a genuine BDSM situation, the sub is the one in control for they can always make everything stop by using the agreed-upon safeword or gesture.
For obvious reasons, 'No' or 'Stop' or 'OW' or 'It hurts' etc. don't work; names of colors ('Red', 'Blue' etc.) can also be difficult to use as oftentimes the various equipment comes in different shades.
it needs to be something that has absolutely nothing to do with what they're doing, like 'Tomato' or 'Bird' or something - a short word with few syllables or some kind of geture if a gag is involved.
This is my last point. Neither of them have any kind of prior experience with BDSM, which makes it easy for mistakes to happen (hitting too hard, twisting too much etc.) Seeing as both girls have been to places that cater to their specific desires (sex shop, tattoo parlor), it might be an idea for them to go back there together to further educate themselves on the subject before something goes wrong.
Another thing that is common in BDSM circles when starting up, is role-reversal; i.e. Dom(me) and sub switch places for a session or two - it's much easier to know the limits, when you've experienced them on yourself.
Oh, and a little bondage might be fun for their next romp - just a suggestion ;-)

Anyway, enough of my rambling.
Keep up the good work.
PMS!

- Wolvie
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From wolvie on August 20, 2007
I really like your story and hope you continue it; just be careful that you don't loose sight of the STORY in all the sexual descriptions. I've seen it happen so many times - a promising storyline gets lost in PWP. It hasn't happened to this story, but I fear that if you start involving too many outsiders (i.e. the rest of the gang), it may.

Ideally, IMO, no one but Donna and Jackie should be featured having sex, and while that's mainly just my personal preference (I pretty much only read femslash), it does come from the fact that I think you have the makings of one of the truly great BDSM Lovestories. But again, if too many other people get involved...

So before that happens, I think it might be a good idea for the girls to discuss this OUTSIDE of the Domme/sub relationship.

Is this really something they wanna do?

How will it affect them to see/be with someone else?

How will it afect the group as a whole? Especially if the true nature of J/D's relationship is discovered?

And so on.

It HAS to be a frank and honest discussion - it will be meaningless if Jackie simply tells Donna what she thinks the other girl wants to hear; esp. since you have established that they really do love each other. That could lead down a very dark path, and while I have nothing against a good dose of Angst, I do prefer a happy ending.

It would, IMO, be perfectly fine to have a chapter without any sex in it to address these and other issues.

Anyway, I think I have rambled on long enough.
Good luck with the story. I look forward to reading more.
PMS!
- Wolvie

Remember, BDSM without affection is just ABUSE.
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