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Reviews for Initiation

By : cowgirl65
  • From FairySlayer on October 12, 2010
    "The Big Valley" — That really brings me back!

    First off, you tell the story very well by describing the actions both directly and sometimes indirectly. Mixing it gives us a chance to pause and that little break helps us savor what's happening at any moment.

    Another thing that I truly enjoyed was that you often showed characters' emotions by describing their reactions physically. Describing their thoughts and direct explanations of their past (or the past in general) was used sparingly. There was enough to keep the story in context and enhance understanding but you never overdid it to the point where we lose our place in the tale. Actually, you really nailed the emotions whichever way you wrote them, whether it be shame, guilt, anticipation, fear, excitement, etc. I'm a bit jealous actually.

    Now I do have a few grammatical nitpicks here and there:

    First, in the beginning you described some of Jarrod's and then Felicity's feelings using a lot of incomplete sentences: some of that is fine for breaking up the thought for emphasis, and sometimes simply for giving more detail without either running on or "bogging it down" by working in another complete sentence. I feel that was overused in some places.

    After that you often did the opposite by crafting long sentences with multiple modifier, and there were even some run-on sentences that really needed to be split up into chunks (and even then one or both would be somewhat over packed). There were also a lot of places where the modifier structure implied that two things happened at the same time (one as the accompanying result of the other), as per [url=http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php?showtopic=16694]CloverReef's thread about [i]comma-*ing[/i][/url].

    Now I do realize that you wrote this a few years ago and probably see what I'm talking about when you re-read it, but I figured it was worth pointing out. It's my job to be thorough, after all. :)

    As for the content of the story itself, I really enjoyed it. You really nailed the feelings and conflict that boys feel about masturbation, and alluding to Mrs. Barkly's line about Jarrod going blind if he kept doing it was a nice touch. There's a lot of "nice touch" throughout the story too: the sex scenes were descriptive enough to get the point across and kept things cranking pretty much in real time; perhaps there could have been a bit more descriptiveness in the sexual acts and orgasms, but that that with a grain of salt: For full disclosure I'm who's always pushing the edge with detail and perhaps taking the reader out of the moment.

    Having poor control over his erections is so true, and holding his hat over it when he got to her house and thought about their earlier liaisons made it clear how embarrassed he was. Working your way around it was much better than just writing that he had an erection and tried to hide it with his hat.

    There were plenty of other things that I thought were great: I liked Mrs. Turner's rationalization about how having an affair with Jarrod was "a service to society" even if she also half-admitted that she was overwhelmingly attracted to him sexually. Then it really hit home when Jarrod suddenly realized that giving pleasure could be as great as receiving it himself. (It may be a bit of a power thing in reality, but that very much hit home with me.)

    Oh, and even the overview of how difficult it could be to get undressed in the olden days was a nice touch. I'd never thought much about that before, and quickies must have been quite a pain. Felicity skipping her bra and drawers was good thinking and also showed a bit of eagerness on her part too.

    Now, I will point out that when he first went down on her it seemed like he suddenly become very skilled at it. Perhaps a little more guidance on Felicity's part would make it more believable. On the other hand I can cut you some slack for not wanting to either break the pace with too much dialogue or reducing the pleasure by having him fumbling and not getting the job done.

    Oh, and his slip about "starting on the rug" was a cute way to imply how much he was hoping to do with her that evening.

    Kudos also for mentioning how many men in the past (and probably still too many today) don't value giving that kind of pleasure. Perhaps you didn't need to mention that the first time since it fit very nicely when she explained the difference between her first and second husbands. The only down side here was when she used the expression "wham, bam, thank you ma’am" because it seems anachronistic (at least to me).

    Either way I really appreciated the way she explained that their sexual encounters were really just a temporary thing and that he should find someone he really loves (and is closer to his own age, I'd assume). Then the line "If I find her ten times as exciting as I find you, it’s going to be pretty hard." gave me a good laugh, even if the double-meaning wasn't intended on his part. :)

    The way you wrote that epilogue, showing that he took her words to heart, was very sweet.

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