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Reviews for Break

By : moonshape
  • From Spiraling on April 23, 2012
    Yet another fabulous one-shot! I'm impressed. Again, this was very well written and in character. There were only two mistakes I saw, the first of which being this section:

    _______________________________________________________

    For the first time, his partner looks at him, his eyebrows raised. ‘I thought you’d know by now I’m not the sitting down type. I drink while I work. I eat when I need to.’

    ‘People need breaks, Sherlock.’

    ‘I don’t.’

    ‘Even you, Sherlock.’

    Sherlock shakes his head once and his eyes drop down again, examining the sample that lies underneath the lens of the microscope. I look around in frustration and spot the power source that feeds the microscopes lamp. I pull the plug. Sherlock’s microscope goes dark.

    I hear him huff with annoyance and he looks up at me again. For a moment we stare at each other, the plug still in my hand. He brings his hands together, fingertips touching and brings his index finger to his mouth.

    ‘And what exactly, do you think you will achieve with this, John?’

    ‘A bit of attention, maybe?’ John says as he finally lets go of the plug. ‘I want to be able to sit down with you – have tea at noon and just – sit with you.’

    _______________________________________________________

    It switches from third person, to first person, back to third person. Just for those few lines you use 'I' instead of 'he'. The other mistake was in the sentence "Their lips never part and it is when Sherlock pushes his jumper up so far his nipples are almost exposed that their finally end the kiss." You say 'their finally end the kiss' instead of 'they finally end the kiss.' But that was really the only grammatical mistake I noticed, other than the point of view change. You write both Sherlock and John fabulously! I particularly love the ending. I can just visualize it and hear it so clearly, it's so perfectly in character and it's a perfect ending.

    I should probably bring to your attention that your story 'The Amazing John Watson' is a big block of text. All of the line breaks have been removed (probably through no fault of yours, but rather the updated coding on the website. It happened to my stories as well) and it really makes it troublesome to read the story. Just letting you know that it may discourage potential readers. ^^

    Anyway, I really hope that you are still actively writing. I have really enjoyed the two stories I've read so far and I plan on reading 'The Return of Sherlock' tomorrow. Good night and good wishes!
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