Starting with your summary, it was really difficult to read. This is what you have:

Leroy Jethero Gibbs And His Team Get A New Agent Gibbs Falls In Love With This new Agent

This is what I would change it to for clarity:

Gibbs and his team get a new agent. Gibbs falls in love.
Now, as a summary, it falls flat. It's not enticing. But as uninteresting as it is, it's far easier to read than the one currently on your story.

Next issue: formatting. You seem to have attempted to adopt a script format. For a script, you should have every new character speaking on a new line. Depending on the formatting you use, you can either have justified paragraphs with the speaker's name centered, or you can have "name: dialogue" formatting. The way you have this, it's very difficult to read.

You move from prose to script to prose - please choose a medium for your story. I don't mind scripts. There is an accepted way to write them, however. For example:

Scene: The basement, NCIS HQ, Washington Naval Yard, Washington, D.C.

Gibbs arrives via the elevator. Standing alone is a woman of short stature. He visibly stops to take in her appearance.

Woman:Gibbs?

Gibbs:(drawled) Yes.

See how it starts by telling you where you are, to orient you. Then it moves to stage direction to bring the characters into the scene. Notice, also, how "Jackie" is not yet named. Until she introduces herself, you can leave it a mystery, or you can go ahead and write her name in. It's up to you. I also left out your comments about her hair and eye color. It's not important at this point; it can be introduced later by a line from one of the other characters.

Parenthetical speech direction is important with scripts as well; it helps the readers to imagine how the character sounds. There's a good bit of freedom allowed with this format, as you're not constantly having the "said" "asked" "questioned" "replied" etc redundancy issues. Instead, you can use the parenthetical to demonstrate the manner of speech. Had I used (clipped) instead of (drawled) you get a completely different idea of what he perceived when he took a long look at her. Just by using that one word, the scene of seduction is already beginning to unfold.

Now, there's no development to your plot. You've introduced two characters to each other who have no prior interaction, and within six paragraphs, you have the two falling in love with each other. This makes for a very weak plot, and a hard-to-follow story. I will admit to having skimmed after this point; having said that, my next biggest suggestion to you is going to be to get a beta who can help you with spelling errors (Jethro, not Jethero) and typos such as "speed up his trusts".

I can't begin to give you any type of feedback on your character development as I'm finding it hard to follow your story with it being all jumbled together. You have several characters talking in the same paragraph with only the name of the speaker and a close double-quote mark indicated a change in speaker. This type of flow is hard to follow. If you were to change the formatting so that it either all followed prose rules of writing or script rules of writing, then I would be very interested in seeing how your characters interact.

As it stands, my best advice is to look in this forum:

http://www2.adultfanfiction.net/forum/index.php/forum/83-become-a-beta/

and see if there's someone there who can help you to develop your technique so that your writing is much more fluid and easier for your reader to appreciate the story that you have to tell.

The story could have potential if the formatting issues are fixed.

Happy writing to you.
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