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Reviews for The Deal Definative

By : SpecialFX
  • From Sweetlittlebumblebee on January 17, 2013
    First of all; I'd like to express that this is my favorite BBT fiction with mature themes that I've really enjoyed and would like to read again. This is also my first time reviewing a story, but I hope you'll forgive me in doing so. I have a few criticisms for you, but keep an open mind that I really love this story.

    Alright, so the only real glaring problem is the dialog. It's run-on and makes it very difficult to tell who's talking. An example would be when both characters talk at the same time in the same paragraph; this makes it hard to engage in the story completely, and therefore takes one out of the experience that would otherwise be incredibly pleasant. An example of how to fix this with simple editing is thus:

    "...." Said Penny.

    "...." Replied Sheldon.

    "...."

    "...."

    Spacing things out is how professional writing and novels are done, and it makes it very clear that what was said on the previous line compared to the next is by different people. Putting speech in the same paragraph makes the reader automatically think that the same character is speaking it, so when it is describe to be the other, it throws the mind off and causes just enough confusion to wrench the reader out of the story.

    On the flip-side, the dialog was very well done aside from the formatting issues, it was in character for most of it and very well placed. Personally I found the way you played Sheldon to be delightful.

    Besides that, the other formatting issue is all of your paragraphs are almost all the same size. This gives a tedious feel to the whole thing. this is much harder to sort out, it comes with a natural 'feel' of writing, once you get hold of when you feel a space is needed, you are able to fall into the niche easily. This is different than novel/printed work, because it's obvious your readers are going to be doing so on a screen. Spacing out with two lines between paragraphs is perfect; you just need to work on making your paragraphs feel more natural; getting hold of the speech format will aid in this exceedingly.

    Overall it has great spelling and structure, it drags on a little but in a pleasing, satisfying kind of way. It feels real and solid. There's a little out of character issues but they can easily be forgiven with how well you pick up in-character afterwards. Impressive to say the least.

    I think my favorite part, and this is an odd thing indeed, is when Sheldon first opens the door and Penny is face-to-chest with him. Something about that visual and the dialog that goes with it just tickles me pink and it's a perfect way to set the mood. I love that part to pieces, as odd as it may seem.

    So yeah, I hope I was helpful and that you write more!
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  • From ANON - SweetAle4U on August 20, 2012
    Loved this story, would love to read more!!
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  • From ANON - RevDorothyL on July 20, 2012
    Definitely "More, please!" :)
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  • From ANON - Frust-sheep on June 18, 2012
    Yep, so much more, please. :D Anyway this was really awesome hot, HOT and so wonderful written! Loved it! :)
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  • From ANON - me on June 13, 2012
    more mre more

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  • From ANON - Yuchan124 on June 04, 2012
    Hell yeah! Please continue! I love your writing! Hot stuff and also amazing word flow! ;)
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  • From ANON - serasvictoria666 on May 11, 2012
    definitely more. loved it!
    i love the sheldon/penny pairing so I really hope you do decide to make it into a longer fic.
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  • From ANON - 4654 on May 08, 2012
    more
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