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Reviews for A New Beginning

By : MarianTheBlackadder
  • From ANON - Raymon on November 20, 2013
    Cover the asshole in blood and give him to the carno's. Have a nice day.
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  • From ANON - kurahieiritr on July 06, 2013
    This chapter (2nd) has better focus than the first so is easier to follow. I like how you continue to mix up the scenarios and keep a decent pace going to entertain your readers. You do need to do a bit of work with your grammar since you bounce back and forth between passive and active voice. You still bounce between character P.O.V. within a specific scene. Perhaps you would be more comfortable writing in the God view?
    I also noticed a smattering of redundant phrases on occasion. Also, if one character speaks, you want to have the following information focused upon the speaker if it is attached to the dialog. The following paragraph should open with the other character's actions.
    This was the most bothersome of the redundant passages. "Jason looked at her another moment before giving a nod and getting back into line. He turned back glancing at her once again before returning to the lines." You have the introduced character of Jason returning to the line two times. The second return is not necessary as it is already established that he has moved.

    You do have a group of memorable characters, and the father/son battle royal going on behind the scenes is well worth the reading. In fact, it is the mystery surrounding the conflict that makes the read most memorable. Once the awkward phrases and excess prepositional phrases, or run on sentences are corrected, you will have a more polished story. I hope you continue to work on this as it has a lot of potential which will shine in time.
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  • From ANON - kurahieieitr on July 06, 2013
    You have a nice descriptive flow. Although I am not familiar with the series you are writing, I can see that you have a specific setting that I define as futuristic feeling in the first 4 paragraphs I read. I get the impression that your female character spends a lot of time away from home which you later verify during conversation.

    You do have a number of problem spots top consider in making this a stronger reading story with extra punch to draw the reader into the character's position. I would advise adding the character names sooner to solidify which characters are interacting. I did not know what her name was for several paragraphs so it felt disconnected until you had "Rayne said" entry. Not providing a name makes it difficult to sit upon the character's shoulders for the journey to some. Other problems include awkwardly phrased sentences, with tense shifts and punctuation problems. Those need to be corrected whenever possible to clarify the story a bit more. A spell check and Grammar check will help you to shift from passive voice & tense verbs into active tense and voice. Such a move will improve the flow of the dialog and actions of both characters to bring out their strengths. Watch which character you are using for the reader's ability to follow the story. You switch between the two character's control in this chapter. Revise so only one character holds sway, or use God View so that it is not as confusing.

    One example of predominately passive voice paragraph with a muddled point of view: Getting some water he walked over and sat down with his glass at the table handing her the other glass. She took a drink before looking down a moment. “It’s nice to just turn on the water and get a clean drink.” She said with a smile.

    Example of correcting the paragraph so the passage is action oriented: Taylor poured them glasses of water, and walked over to her table. Sitting with his glass, he handed Rayne the other. She took a drink before looking down. (a moment- omit this as it clutters the sentence and feels awkward.) “It’s nice to just turn on the water and get a clean drink.” She said with a smile.

    I like how you have shown Rayne's discomfort in her actions. I can see that something is bothering her. You can strengthen this story considerably through increasing the actions, without telling people that she is pensive. Let the readers decide if she is pensive through her expressions, and silence. You have those elements so do not need to repeat the mood in words. It is conveyed well in how she responds, and from Taylor's dialog that she drops off data and leaves. Let Rayne's actions express her emotional upheaval, since it already is doing so nicely.

    Overstating things feels redundant, and there is little need for additional "telling" statements in your story. You have a nice way of showing the emotions with your characters, and that makes the reading more interesting. Once the passive uses and tense shifts are repaired, this will become a much nicer, tighter reading experience that will draw readers firmly into your characters' world. Good luck and continue writing.
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