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Cosmic Hiccups	By : Scribe Category: S through Z > Xena Views: 2825 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Xena, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Title: Cosmic Hiccups
Author: Scribe
Summary: Strife gets the hiccups at a family gathering, and every hic brings fresh madness.
Rating: Adults only
Pairings: Cupid/Strife, Ares/Joxer, Zeus/flora--you'll see
Characters: Cupid, Strife, Bliss, Xena, Gabrielle, Hercules, Iolaus, Zeus, Aphrodite, and various other gods and goddesses.
Betas:
Author's Notes: Notes: Strife and Cupid do not have Imp in this universe. Inspired by a recorded chat session posted to the AJCS list. Thanks Qsmistress and Janelle, for sharing your particular brand of loopiness.
Disclaimer: I did not create, and do not own the rights to, the recognizable media characters that appear in this story. I have no legal or binding agreement with the creators, or owners. I do not seek, and would not accept, profit from this fiction. I have nothing but affection and respect for the creators, and the actors and actresses who portrayed these characters. This story is in no way meant to reflect on the actual lives or life styles of the actors and actresses who portrayed the characters.

Cosmic Hiccups

"Odd things happen occasionally in the universe. This was one of them."--Scribe

Part One, Uh-oh
"Tell me again what tha hell this is called an' why tha hell I should be givin up my weekend?"

Cupid sighed, straightening his kilt. He frowned down at the white linen, and it became brown leather. Much better. "It's a family reunion, and Hera, being the Goddess of Family, has decided that it's time for us all to bond, mend fences, lay to rest grudges, bury hatchets..."

Strife was sprawled on their rumpled bed. "Hate ta tell her this, Cupe, bha hha hatchets will most likely be buried in someone's skull. I mean, we got enough grudges an' feuds in tha immediate family without her haulin in all tha distant relations." He sat up, shaking his head. "Everyone who has a drop of divine blood? Tartarus, Olympus is gonna be like a freakin stirred up ant hill." He laid a hand on his chest. "I should know.--I've stirred up enough of 'em."

Cupid came over and sat beside his husband. "Demi-gods, and even the ones with a quarter divinity I can understand, but mortals?" He sighed. "It all started with Mom inviting Joxer. She claims it's just so he wouldn't feel neglected, what with Xena being allowed to bring the bard with her."

Strife laughed. "Oh, c'mon! It is so obvious that she's tryin ta fix yer dad up with Jox. An' it's not like Ares isn't interested. He's just bein stubborn, 'cause he don't wanna think that he's been set up by his sister."

Cupid didn't comment on this. Even though he was the Love God, he still got a little oogie thinking about his dad having sex. It wasn't the same with Mom because, well, she was the Goddess of Love, after all. But Dad? He continued, "Then since Mom got to invite a mortal, Apollo wanted to, and he brought Jayce, since he's one of his favorite performers. Then Dad had to get in on it, and he wanted Jett, since he's such a bad ass assassin."

"Well, that's kinda keepin it in tha family, I guess. They've gotta teensy bit of divine blood, about four or five generations back."

Cupid looked surprised. "Really? I hadn't heard that. I suppose Granddad did get around a lot..." Strife was shaking his head. "No? Then who? Bacchus? He snagged a lot of mortals during his orgies."

"Um..." Strife was scratching at the sheet, not looking at him. "Actually, they're kinda mine."

"What?

Strife winced. "Don't be like that, Cupe. It was, like, their great-great-greatsomethin grandma. I was young. I hadn't figured out what I wanted yet. It was way before we got tagetha."

Cupid sighed, rubbing his face. houlhould have known there was some reason why those three's prayers always seemed to resonate a little more. Do they know this?"

Strife shrugged. "Nah, an' I didn't feel it was a good idea ta make it known. Ya know what their father was like. Can ya imagine what kind of a power trip he woulda gone on if he knew that he had someone with even a touch of dity ity undah his thumb? I been kinda lookin aftah 'em. Didn'tcha evah wondah how Joxer managed ta survive this long? Why Jett always manages ta escape from whatevah prison they stick 'im in? Why Jayce hasn't been beaten ta death by a buncha Spartans?" He made a face. "I hate those assholes. They're so fuckin intolerant of anyone tha least bit wispy, an' they're tha biggest buncha repressed closet cases I evah saw. 'Shield mates' my ass." He giggled. "An' theirs--a lot."

Cupid thought about it a minute, then dragged Strife in for a kiss. He was too confident in their love to worry about some brief fling Strife had had a century or so before they had gotten together. "This won't be so bad, babe. It's going to be big enough and busy enough that you won't have to hang with anyone boring for long." Strife pouted. Cupid poked him. "You can get piss drunk in the middle of the day, and we'll fuck each other silly somewhere semi-private."

"We can do that every day, Cupe," Strife said archly. He studied his husband. "Yer actually lookin forward to this, aintcha?"

"It'll be nice to see some fresh faces around here, and I might be able to get some matchmaking done without having to run all over creation and really exert myself."

Strife gave him a smacking kiss. "I love ya when yer lazy. Awright, let's go get tha brat an' boogie."

They walked to Bliss's room and found the godling practically bouncing off the wall in excitement. There was a good chance that there'd be some children at the gathering. Bliss was currently the only child god on Olympus. The heonheon, most of them, anyway, tried to make time to play with him, but, well... Being a god or goddess was a busy job, and when they had free time, most of them wanted to pursue other... pursuits. Or other gods and goddesses, or mortals. Bliss didn't complain much, but Strife knew that he was lonely sometime. Cupid hooked Bliss up onto one hip and they strolled out into Olympus proper.

Bliss stared around in wide-eyed delight and, truth be told, his daddies weren't much different. Olympus was usually a fairly quiet, peaceful place (most gods goddgoddesses kept their fracases inside their temples). Now the broad streets between the dwelling places of the gods were as packed as the largest marketplace in Athens on a high festival day.

There were stands offering all sorts of items to the crowd. The mostly mortal were babbling happily after having learned that there was no charge for anything. If it hadn't been created by the various gods, then the mortals who were offering it were hoping to inspire patronage, or have the gathering visitors spread word of their goods back in Greece. There were trinkets, t and and clothing items of all kinds, each with some symbol to remind one of the momentous, first ever gathering. There were tents set up here and there where the guests could relax and refresh themselves with food and drink and, in the case of the closed tent sponsored by Aphrodite... other things.

Beings of a widectrectrum of divinity milled about, most of them complete strangers to Strife and Cupid. Strife nudged Cupid. "I had no idea we'd pitched our wild oats quite so far an' wide."

"That's for sure." A handsome winged centaur clopped past, talking to a wood nymph. "What the...?" He shook his head. "Granddad has had some strange bedfellows."

They came to a stand that was offering shirts and vest in finest Chin silk. Iolaus was watching Hercules trying to get a too-small vest to lace shut. "I don't know why you bother. You know you're just going to wear it open, anyway." He saw the approaching gods and smiled in welcome. "Hey! Love, Mischief, and Joy! How are you guys?"

"Doin good, Goldilocks," Strife said cheerfully. "Hiya, Herkimer."

Hercules frowned, but apparently didn't want to be drawn into anything at such a special occasion. "Strife, Cupid. Nice day for the gathering."

"Well, duh! We're gods, ya think we can't figure out tagethah how ta keep away tha rain?" He pointed upwards. Everyone looked up. There was a shimmer a couple of hundred feet overhead. "Everyone kicked in on tha energy fah tha shield."

Hercules, as he did when confronted with almost anything having to do with the Pantheon, frowned. "A shield? How do you expect anyone to get in and out?"

"We don't," Cupid tried to hang onto Bliss, who was crawling all over him in an effort to see everything. Iolaus raised an eyebrow, and Cupid shrugged. "Zeus is determined that no one is leaving till he's sure that there's been some serious bonding going on."

"What about stragglers?" asked Iolaus. "Hey, I know that some of you guys couldn't get somewhere on time unless ol' Thunderbutt laid a lightning bolt upside your asses."

"They just hafta stand at tha shield an' try ta attract someone's attention, get 'em ta send word ta Zeus, then hope that tha old goat ain't too drunk, or in tha process of screwin somebody," Strife explained. He didn't feel like he could play any really good pranks during the gathering (well, not without risking a stint of cleaning Apollo's stables and Cerberus' kennel in shmeshment), and he was starting to get bored. There was no point in talking to Hercules if he couldn't torment him. He tugged at Cupid's arm. "Hey, look! They've got an 'Adults Only' scroll stall!"

"Strife!" Cupid pointedly bounced Bliss.

"Damn!"

Iolaus held out his arms. "I'll watch him for a little while."

Cupid was thinking about it, even as Bliss leaned toward Iolaus, plump arms outstretched and baby wings flapping. "But we might lose each other in this crowd. I'm not sure even I would be able to focus on Bliss's energy signature in a mob like this."

"Look, if you're not back in a little while, Demeter is running a child watch tent over by her place. Some of the nymphs and Muses are helping her out. I think she even has a petting zoo set up." Cupid looked doubtful. Strife stroked his ass, and he handed Bliss over.

Hercules, Iolaus, and Bliss wandered around, seeing the sights, remarking on the visitors, and stuffing themselves. Bliss tried to explain some of the snacks Strife had brought back from the Halls of Time. Hercules looked a little green about corn dogs, but Iolaus seemed really interested in nachos.

They bumped into Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer. Xena and Gabrielle were armed as usual, but Joxer had forgone his usual clap-trap armor and was dressed in simple pants and a tunic. Iolaus couldn't help but notice that the wannabe warrior actually had a kind of goofy handsomeness.

Greetings were exchanged. Hercules said, "I expected to see you, Xena, but how did you get them to let Gabby and Joxer in?"

Xena shrugged, "Janus tried to bar them when we came in, but Gabby insisted that there had been no restrictions on bringing a date, so he allowed her." She looked puzzled. "He just sort of smiled at Joxer, checked something off on a scroll, and waved us in." Everyone looked at Joxer.

He shrugged. "Why should I understand this any more than anything else?" He looked around. His voice was almost shy as he said, "Is, um, Ares anywhere around?"

Hercules, Xena, and Gabrielle gave almost identicle scowls. Iolaus smiled, Bli Bliss giggled. "I'm sure he's around here somewhere, Jox," Iolaus assured him. "Zeus isn't likely to let a major deity escape a family duty like this. Although..." he looked around, "Hades doesn't seem to be here."

At their questioning l, he, he shrugged. "I've spent so much time in his domain that I've kinda developed a sense for underworldly beings."

Apollo, a wood nymph on one arm and a Muse on the other, was strolling past. He paused and drawled, "Uncle H. is late, as usual. He'll be along, but probably not till he sorts out the latest crop." He moved on, telling the giggling women, "Yes, as I was saying, while I'm not officially connected with plants, where would they be without the sun, right? I'm very fond of them. I've got a few little pocket gardens around Olympus with some of the prettiest flowers you've ever seen outside Gaia's valley. Have you two ever done it on a bed of flower petals?"

"Well, well, well." The voice was sardonic. Everyone turned to find a tall, dark, bearded man standing nearby. He crossed his arms casually, muscles flexing smoothly under the open vest. "I must say I'm surprised, Xena, Hercules. You two have never been overly concerned with these family shindigs."

The ill will radiating off three of the other five adults was so palpable that the more sensitive in the crowd looked around, then began edging away. Hercules (probably unconsciously) imitated his elder brother's stance. He might have been bigger, but somehow he wasn't as impressive. "I don't know about everyone else, but I look upon this as a chance to keep an eye on whatever machinations you people are up to."

Gabrielle nodded vigorously. When Xena just stood there, she poked her. Xena sighed, "Actually, I'm kinda hoping to get some of Demeter's fish fricasse. No one does it like her."

"You are obsessed!" Gabby hissed.

"Hey, I'm not the one who started pouting when she found out that the poetry stall didn't carry any of her scrolls."

"Fine," said Ares. "It isn't like I thought you two would actually show any familial attachments."

"What do you want, Ares?" Gabriella asked agressively, taking her staff in both hands. It wasn't exactly a battle-ready stance--more of an 'I'd better act like I mean business' pre-battle stance.

"Untwist your panties, Blondie. I'm just having a good time today. I thought I'd invite some of my followers to have a friendly drink."

Xena stood straighter. "I've told you a hundred times--I no longer follow you, I never will again."

Ares looked bored. "Actually it's more like ousaousand times you've told me that, and I don't think I've actually asked you more than twenty or twenty-five times. I didn't mean you." He looked at Joxer. "Care to go lift a few, Joxer?"

Joxer's mouth dropped open. Bliss giggled again, flapping his wings. Iolaus poked Joxer, whispering, "Answer, Jox. Sure, he can read your mind, but it isn't polite to make him, and do you really want him wandering around in there right now?"

Joxer closed his mouth with an almost audible snap, a red tide sweeping up his face. He tried for nonchalant, and managed a squeak, "I'm a little dry. I could use a little one."

Ares moved in close, right into his personal space, smiling down at him. "How about a big one?"

Joxer blinked rapidly, then whispered, "Yeah, sounds good."

"Dwink!" said Bliss.

"Sure," said Iolaus. "I see a nectar stand right over there."

"Dwink wi' Granpa!"

Ares sighed. Iolaus said, "Um, kiddo, I think your grandpa is going to be kind of busy for..."

"Dwink wi' Gwanpa!"

Everyone around them winced. "Dang!" Joxer wiggled a finger in his ear.

Gabrielle was clutching her forehead. "Are you sure that kid isn't part harpy?"

Everyone cringed, looking toward Ares. He just said, "I'd think you would know, and considering who his mother is, I wouldn't entirely rule it out, but Cupid's influence would overwhelm it, anyway." He reached over and tousled Bliss's curls. "Sure, you can come, Bliss. Iolaus will bring you," Ares gave Iolaus a very meaningful look. "And after you have your drink, he'll take you to see Demeter's petting zoo."

Iolaus nodded. "He sure will."

"Good." Ares looped an arm around Joxer and led him away, Iolaus and Bliss in tow. Joxer had a stunned, happy expression that is usually managed only by femgeeks when the captain of the football team asks them to sit with him at the 'cool kids' table.

There was a nice, open refreshment tent set up next to the screened pavillion where Aphrodite was overseeing another sort of refreshment. Hephastus was sitting at a small table close to the entrance, probably waiting for his wife to take a break. There were several empty goblets in front of him, and Iolaus sincerely hoped that he'd sober up before he went back to the forge and started getting creative.

Ares nodded to a few acquaintances, but led them to a table in the corner. He edged Joxer down onto a bench and sat beside him, leaving the opposite bench to Iolaus and Bliss. He waved one of the waitresses over and ordered, "Two of Dionysis's finest, and two fruit juices." Iolaus opened his mouth, and the god said pointedly, "Does my grandson's babysitter want to say something?"

Iolaus shrugged. "Can I have cherry-peach?"

Bliss slapped the table. "An' cookies!"

Iolaus slapped the table, too. "Yeah, and cookies."

As he sipped and munched, Iolaus listened to the various sounds (groans, moans, whimpers, whines, grunts, and pleas) coming from the pavillion, and decided that they most definitely were not the result of torture. Joxer kept blinking, but Bliss and Ares didn't seem to notice the sounds. Must not be all that unusual on Olympus.

Bliss rambled on, telling him about the war dog puppies Ares had shown him, and the very large green beetle he'd found in Grea'Gran'Ma's garden, and how she was so please that she gave him one of heacocacock's feathers, and he had it over his bed now.

Iolaus nodded and made an occasional remark, but mostly he was watching Ares chat up his friend Joxer. By the time there were three empty goblets in front of them, Ares was plastered up against the wannabe warrior's side, his arm around him, telling him about some of the more exotic talents arioarious camp followers. Joxer seemed to have taken on a permanent rose complexion. He wasn't snuggling, but he wasn't trying to get away, either.

There was an earsplitting shriek from the pavillion. It trailed off into a string of maniacle giggles. Strife burst from the pavillion, wearing only about half his leather pants and an assortment of body jewelry. Cupid was in hot pursuit, arms outstretched and a smile on his face just as crazy as any Strife had ever managed. "Come baere,ere, you!" he bellowed. Strife dashed into the tent and started darting between tables, using them as blockades between him and his obviously randy husband. "You know damn good and well that when I said 'blow' I meant 'suck'."

"Semantics, semantics!" Strife gasped. "Ya gotta learn ta be specific."

"I'll give you specific!" Cupid launched himself. Strife squealed and back peddaled, but Cupid was over the blocking table with one big flap of his wings, and he tackled Strife, bearing the Mischief god to the rug that had been spread under the tent.

He straddled Strife, pinning him to the ground with one big hand on the slender god's chest. He brandished his hand high. "Beg for mercy!"

Iolaus noticed that Cupid was clutching what looked like several of his own feathers. Strife stuck his tongue out at Cupid. "You asked for it." He started stroking the feathers over Strife's bare torso.

The result was immediate giggles. "Stop it, Cupe!" Cupid kept tickling. "Stoppit, stoppit, stoppit!" Cupid kept it up. Strife was gasping now. "Dammit, I'm gonna be sick, or wet my drawers."

"Say uncle."

Strife spotted the group and called pleadingly, "Ares!"

"That isn't what he meant, and you know it," replied Ares, rubbing Joxer's arm.

"Won't surrender, huh? This calls for more drastic measures." Cupid tossed the feathers, then curled his fingers and dug them into Strife's ribs. The giggles rose to howls. "Give it up!"

"Cupe!"

"Who's your daddy?"

Bliss looked at Iolaus, confused. "I thought nobody knew?" Iolaus tried not to choke.

Cupid had reached up under Strife's armpits, tickling ferociously, "Ooh, Tartarus!"
Strife moaned. "Please!"

"Nah. Tickletickletickle."

The giggles, instead of getting weaker, seemed to be rising in intensity. "I mean it! Somethins gonna happen, an' it prob'ly won't be pretty."

"Threats! More punishment! Tickletickle!"

Ares looked at Joxer. "You know, tickling is a much neglected form of torture."

Strife screamed, "I ain't gonna be responsible!"

"Tickle!"

The laughter rose into a crescendo, and...

*hic*

The candles that had been placed on all the tables in anticipation of evening, suddenly lit. That hardly got a flicker of interest from the gods in the tent, but Iolaus blinked at it.

More laughter.

*hic*

The candles all snuffed out in the same instant. The smoke that rose from them was pink, and smelled of something that wouldn't be recognizable for several dozen centuries. Modern mortals would have identified it as Chanel No.5. Iolaus said, "Uh, Ares? The candles?"

Ares waved negligently. "Dite's idea."

"Are you sure?"

"Pink, perfumed smoke? Who else could it be?"

*hic*

Bliss's feathers were suddenly a mixture of ebony black and bright orange. "I dunno," said Iolaus, "but I have a bad feeling about this."
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Cosmic Hiccups