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Mine's Better Than Yours!	By : Scribe Category: S through Z > Xena Views: 2306 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Xena, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Title: Mine's Better Than Yours!
Author: Scribe
Fandom: Xena/Hercules
Summary: There's going to be a Best Love Pageant. If you think Pageant MOMS are bad...
Rating: Fan rated mature
Pairings: Implied
Characters: Just about everyone from both shows shows up briefly.
Betas: None
Notes:
Disclaimer: I did not create, and do not own the rights to, the recognizable media characters that appear in this story.
I have no legal or bindingagreement with the creators, or owners.
I do not seek, and would not accept,profit from this fiction.
I have nothing but affection and respect for the creators, and the actors and actresses who portrayed these characters.
This story is in no way meant to reflect on the actual lives or life styles of the actors and actresses who portrayed the characters
All original characters are copyrighted by the author. Do NOT use without specific permission
Warning:

Mine's Better Than Yours!

Notes: I do not own the characters or concepts herein. I do not seek, nor would I accept, any profit from this effort. And contrary to the silliness I put them through, I highly respect the actors who portrayed these characters originally, and this is in no way to be taken as reflecting actual events *snort* *sorry, couldn't say that without laughing* or lifestyle choices.
Mine's Better Than Yours!

by Scribe
*Ares sits on this throne, scowling at nothing in particular*

(FLASH!) *blue sparklies, and a pale, leather clad man appears in the Halls of War*

Strife: "Hey, Unc. Gee, yer lookin kinda dark, even fah you."

Ares: "Thank you. You're looking chipper yourself--sort of curdled instead of just skim milk." *Strife pouts* "Can it, I'm not in the mood. Why are you here?"

Strife: "I'm lookin fah Cupe. I've hardly seen 'im fah tha last two day."

*music, and many tiny voices singing "It's a small world after all*

Ares: "Quiet!"

*squeals, and music stops*

Strife: "What tha fuck was that?"

Ares: Our Beloved Author's attempt at humor. It's because the source of our present discontent is the same. I haven't seen Joxer long enough to even suck a hickey on his neck for ages."

Strife: *frowns* "Whassup?"

Ares: "They're together." *crackle* "And snuff that fireball right now! It's perfectly innocent. They're working to stop a village fued. It's between two familes called the Hatfieldae and the McCoyus. They're working on having a boy from one family and a girl from the other fall in love and get married. It isn't easy, because for some unexplained reason there's a high percentage of homosexuality in that village."

Voice: *Ahem.*

Strife: "What was that?"

Ares: "Our Beloved Author clearing her throat. Anyway, they should be done soon. I think they're trying to keep the respective in-laws from killing each other over the seating arrangements."

Strife: *sigh* "Damn, I hope so. I miss Cupie so bad. I can't wait ta run my fingah's through his silky blonde hair."

Ares: "Joxer's hair is softer than Mjau's fur."

Strife: "An' Cupid's skin is tha most beautiful honey color." *eyebrow wiggle* "All ovah. First time 'pol saw 'im sunbathin nude he almost drove his nags inta tha sea."

Ares: "Joxer's skin is as pale as cream, except when I make him blush. You know, he blushes all the way down to his little pink nipples?"

Strife: *a touch aggressively* "Yah? Well, Cupe's got big, broad shouldahs, and a six pack o' abs."

Ares: *getting pugnacious* "Joxer is slim, but sturdy, and graceful as all fuck in bed, even if he is a klutz out of it."

Strife: "Yah? Well, Cupie's cock..."

Ares: "Don't go there. I know we gods are kinda loosey-goosey on the whole incest thingy..."

Strife: "Witness our history."

Ares: *ignoring interuption.* "But I'm not comfortable discussing my son's genitalia with his lover."

Strife: "Well, I got nothin against Joxie, but let's face it--I won tha nookie sweepstakes."

Ares: "I love Cupid like a son... Wait a minute--he is... nevermind. But Joxie's the bestest bed toy in creation."

Strife: "Sez you." *Ares puts his hand on his sword* *hasitly* "Prove it."

Ares: *hand drops* "Happy to. How?"

Voice: "A pageant."

*Strife lookes around, then looks at Ares*

Strife: "Beloved Author again?" *Ares nods* "Ya know, actually, that's a good idea."

Ares: "You can't have a contest with just two contestants."

Strife: "So we call it tha 'Best Lover Pageant', an' open it ta anyone who wants ta enter their sweetie. We know that eithah Cupid or Joxie is gonna be tha winnah."

Ares: "Sounds good. We'll limit it to gods and demi-gods and their lovers, or we'll have every ambitious mortal in creation entering."

Strife: *bounces excitedly* "We'll have an emcee an' a panel of judges, an' sashes, an'..."

(FLASH!)

*pink and blue sparklies, and fluttering hearts*

*Cupid and Joxer, both looking tired and relieved, appear*

*Cupid hugs Strife, and Joxer flops down on Ares's lap*

Joxer: *groans* "Thank Gods that's over with! Those hill people are so stubborn." *tweaks Ares's beard playfully* "Almost like certain Gods of War I could name."

*Ares give Joxer a tonsil tickling kiss*

Ares: "Tired, my little cream cake?"

*Joxer bats his eyelashes. Ares lookes to make sure Strife noticed how long they are*

Joxer: "Not too tired for you, my hunk of lustful aggression."

Strife: "How 'bout you, Cupe?"

*Cupid grabs Strife's ass and kneads like he's trying to make dinner rolls*

Cupid: "What Jox said."

*Strife turns sideways so Ares is sure to notice how adept Cupid is at butt caressing. Ares turnes the loveliest shade of pale green.*

Ares: "Glad to hear it, boys. Because after Strife and I get through screwing you two through the mattress, we have something planned."

*There is the sound of near maniacal giggles* *everyone looks at Strife*

Strife: "Ain't me. Must be our Beloved Author."

*Joxer and Cupid turn pale, exchanging worried glances.*

Cupid: "Uh-oh. The last time I heard that sound we all ended up on the Jerry Springer Show."

Part Two

*heavily filled arena, stands bulging with assorted gods and godesses from all the worldwide pantheons, unnumbered demi-gods, brave and/or foolish mortals, and a huge contengency of nymphs, satyrs and creatures who still haven't been identifed, except by a few people currently sitting in padded rooms, wearing jackets with sleeves that buckle in the back*

*A tall bearded man, handsome, but with the smooth, untrustworthy look of a professional thief or used car salesman is shoved out onto the stage*

Auto: "No! I don't wanna! I'm telling you, however this turns out I know someone is going to find an excuse to whip my ass! There's just too many divine egos involved."

*low, threatening God of War Growl (t).*

Auto: "Okay, okay!" *spreads arms wide, gives big, cheesy smile* "Helloooooo, Greece." *happy hometown roar* *pissed off, snubbed visitors roar* *hastily* "and all our awesome out of town visitors! I'm your host for tonight--Autolycus. Hey, it's a great day here at The Apollo. As you know, the regular blues and comedy review has been cancelled for the first ever Best Lover Pageant. We have a full house tonight--they stopped counting when they reached MMMMM. That doesn't cover all the millions watching this event on scrying pool or mirror. There are rowdy Pageant Parties right now in taverns and temples all over the globe, with people rooting for their favorites. The betting is kinda like the contestants--hot. We'll see if we can get odds later from Jimmie the Greek, the famous handicapper, bur right now it's time to explain the rules and introduce the contestants."

*looks serious*

Auto: "The contestants will compete by appearing in swimsuits and evening wear. There will be a talent competition and a question and answer session to test their poise, because we all know that this is not a beauty contest alone..."

*catcalls* *Mjau runs across the stage, looking around for who wants him* *Joxer runs out and picks him up, taking him back stage*

Ares voice: "Did you see that? He's good with animals."

Strife's voice: "Woof, woof! So's Cupe."

Gabrielle's voice: "Xena, you told me this would be a poetry review, and I could read some of my verse."

Xena's voice: "You will, you will. Hold still while I put this lip gloss on you."

Iolaus's voice: "Hey, lip gloss!"

Hercules voice: "No! One of these days I'm going to learn not to make bets with you, but for now, no lip gloss."

Iolaus's voice: "Aw, Herky. I'll do that trick with the sponge that you like."

*Pause*

Hercules voice: "Give me the damn lip gloss."

Auto: *louder* "The winner will be chosen by a distinguished panel of judges. First off, head judge and King of the Gods--Zeus."

*Zeus stands and bows* *lukewarm applause* *Zeus starts to form a fireball* *Cheers!*

Auto: "Next, one of the glam gods, that Solar Roller himself--Apollo."

*Apollo stands, throwing kisses to his screaming, fainting fans--male and female* *Zeus pouts because Apollo didn't even have to threaten anybody.*

Auto: "Then we have that expert of purple passion, that lady of love, that expert of the erotic and, may I say so, one hot chick..."

*zap* *small lightening bolt hits Auto in the butt* *small, psychotic brunette sitting on judges panel shakes red sparklies off her index finger*

Auto: "Ow! Eris, bubeleh, it's part of the speil, I promise! The Goddess of Love, Aphrodite."

*Aphrodite stands, giggling and wiggling*

Auto: "We'll wait a moment for you men to adjust yourselfs." *pause* "Next we have the baddest chick I've ever known, and I mean that in a good way. Let's hear it (and I mean it, folks, please applaud) for the Goddess of Discord--Eris."

*Immediate, frantic applause!*

*Eris stands for a second, smirking*

Auto: "And last but not least, someone who actually has experience at judging. Mister 'Hey, I'm as inevitable as taxes'--Hades, God of the Underworld."

*Hades stands briefly*

Hades: "Can we get on with this? They're paving the road to Tartarus, and I need to keep an eye on them. They won't get it done with good intentions alone."

Auto: "Right you are! First up, the swimwear competition. Ah, won't it be wonderul to see all that pulchritude, both male and female, revealed before our bulging eyes..."

*Hermes runs out and whispers in Auto's ear.*

Auto: "What do you mean, they refused?"

Hermes: "Well, the bard said that it was sexist and exploitative and promoted the view of woman as a sex object. The others just said 'what the Tartarus is swimwear? We always skinnydip'." *Hermes blushes* "The mental images were a little too much for Strife, and Ares had to dump ice water on him to get him off Cupid. Strife wasn't pleased. I'd stay out from under heavy lighting fixtures for awhile."

Auto: "Well, what the fuck are we supposed to do now?"

Hermes: "Go straight to the evening wear competition."

Auto: "Fine." *Hermes runs off* "Sorry, no swimwear competiton. We'll just have to hope for plunging toga lines and short chitons. So, we'll bring out the contestants, and their proud partners. First up, Joxer..."

Ares voice: "Joxer the Mighty."

Auto: "Joxer the Mighty." *Joxer edges shyly out on stage, nudged along by Ares. Joxer is wearing a mini-toga that only comes halfway down his thighs, and a long, spectacular cape of peacock feathers. There is a coronet and a matching belt of golden leaves, and his sandals lace up past his knee.* "Whoa, Joxer. New look for you."

Joxer: "My brother Jace designed it for me. You should have seen it before I talked him out of the sequins and beads."

Ares: "Do the turn, do the turn."

Joxer: *sigh* "All right." *Joxer walks down the catwalk that extends out into the crowd. At the end he poses, hand on one hip, chin tipped down, then turns with a swirl of the cape and swings back up the walk, cape flowing behind*

Auto: *fans self* "Wow, not bad at all, Mighty One."

Ares: *God of War Growl (t)*

Auto: *raises hands* "Hey, you want people to think he's sexy, right? Next up, Cupid."

*Cupid walks out, pausing long enough to shake Strife off his leg. Cupid wears tight black leather pants with a strip of pink hearts running down the side of each leg. He wears a pink silk shirt, open to the navel, with cut outs in back for his wings.*

Cupid: "A piece of advice? Never let your lover and your mother get together to dress you."

Auto: "Hey, I like it. Pink and black--very fifties color scheme."

Cupid: *blank* "What?" *suspicious* "Auto, did you sneak into the Halls of Time again?"

Auto: "Moving right along we have our first non-Olympian contestant. Hey, maybe he didn't get a double dose of the ol' ambrosia flavored blood, but there are a lot of people who think he's simply divine, including the lover who entered him in this fiasco... I mean festive event. Here we have the Golden Hunter's entrant--Hercules."

*Hercules shuffles out onstage wearing an open shirt with billowing sleeves and lots of lace, and a plaid kilt. He glares at Iolaus.* *Auto stares, and opens his mouth*

Hercules: "Don't ask. Something to do with time travel and an immortal named Duncan he met while he was on vacation."

Auto: "Lastly we have this competitions only female entrant, who also happens to be the only full blooded mortal. But according to her lover, Xena, the Warrior Princess, this girl's blood is not only full, but hot. Welcome Gabrielle."

*Gabrielle, arms crossed over her chest, comes out in something that resembles a strapless seafoam green 1960's prom dress. Xena follows, beaming proudly.* *Gabrielle stares at Auto sullenly*

Gabrielle: "She made me wear crinoline petticoats. Two of them."

Auto: *shrugs* "Well, they should be an effective defense mechanism. I don't see how anyone could get anywhere near you while you're wearing those."

Strife: "Can't see why anyone would wanna get near her, rustlies or not."

Gabrielle: "Xena, my staff is in the corner. Get it and bop him for me."

Xena: "Why can't you do it yourself?"

Gabby: "Because if I uncross my arms this dress will fall off."

Xena: "Gabrielle, will you quit getting distracted? And smile! Smile! What do you think I rubbed olive oil on you teeth for if not to have them glisten?"

Auto: "Aren't they lovely, people?" *whistles, stamps, hoots, drool, howls, and shouts of both 'show us your tits' and 'show us your naughty bits'. Security goes to find out how the Monty Python crew managed to crash this fiction.*

Joxer: *eyeing Gabrielle's dress* "Tell me, did you ever do anything to personally offend the Beloved Author?" *Gabrielle scowls, shaking her head.*

Author's voice: "No, but I'm firmly convinced that a certain person named Michelle was her direct descendant, and I still haven't forgiven her for what she painted on my forehead in drama make-up class."

*Hercules shivers*

Hercules: "I'd consider tossing in the towel, Gabby."

*Gabrielle squares her shoulders. The prom gown slips to half mast* *wild applause* *Gabby snatches the gown back up*

Gabby: "No way. I'm not a quitter. Besides, do you have ANY idea how much shit I'd have to take from Xena?"

Iolaus: "As bad as missing an anneversary?"

Gabby: "Let me put it this way--suppose a woman could have her period, menopause, and labor all at once, and have it last for about six months."

*Massive shiver by every male within hearing*

Strife: "Ya know, that would explain a hell of a lot about Mom."

Auto: "Well, they're all lovely, aren't they, but only one can be the winner. After this break for a short message, we'll return for the talent competion, and the all important poise section."

*Everyone leaves the stage to change clothes, and Salmoneus takes the stage*

Salmoneus: "Friends, don't miss the chance to support your favorite. Vendors are passing among you right now with togas advertising your choice for Best Lover, Also available are souvenier scrolls containing candid bios and sketches of each contestant. We also have vendors with a wide assortment of refreshing beverages and snacks. Figs, grapes, honeycakes, fried locust, and for the more refined, candied lark's tongues. All you gods, ambrosia is available at Demeter's stand on the third level. For you mortals there's a refreshing choice of wine, mead, or ale. For those on a budget we have the Tavern Leftover Special. You know that. It's what the wenches empty out of the tankards after the barbarians fall into a drunken slumber. Guaranteed to contain only a tiny percentage of drool, and only one copper for all you can drink..."

Part Three

Auto: "All you people on chamber pot breaks--two minute warning!

Gabrielle's voice: *scream!* "My scroll!"

Strife's voice: "Hey, ain't my fault they didn't leave enough rags near tha facilities."

Gabby's voice: "You're a god! You could have created some more!"

Strife's voice: *snicker* "Hey, I just thought tha papah could be put ta bettah use."

Xena's voice: "Calm down, Gabby."

Gabby's voice: "You think I'm scared of that skinny, pigment deprived maniac?"

Xena's voice: "Have you been taking drugs? You should be scared of him. And if not Strife, check out how Cupid is scoping you right now." *Gabrielle notices the laser look Cupid is giving her. He's fingering an arrow.* "I happen to know that that particular arrow causes the one hit to fall in lust with the first person to use a cheesy pick-up line. For some reason he calls it his 'Disco Special', and it's wicked. Do you really want to find yourself doing the nasty with some barbarian who says, 'Hey baby, you look like an VIII. Let's get together and make XVIII'?"

Gabby's voice: *whine that causes goblets in the upper levels of the stadium to shatter* "But Xeeeee-na! That was my best poem, and I don't have it memorized! What am I going to do for the talent?"

Xena's voice: "You'll just have to improvise."

Gabby's voice: "I suppose I could do some impromptu verse, but that's so unprofessional."

Xena's voice: "Gabby, this is the Best Lover Pageant, not the Best Courtesan contest, it's supposed to be amature. Anyway, your on the spot poetry couldn't be any worse than some of the other talents. I hear Hercules is planning to make maple syrup by squeezing a tree."

Auto: *very loud* "Welcome back! On to the talent competition now. First up we have Strife's entrant, Cupid." *Cupid, back in his usual attire and followed by Strife, comes out on stage* "Cupid, what terrific talent will you demonstrate for us today?"

Cupid: "Well, Auto, Strife had some suggestions, but since this event might be viewed by children, I vetoed them." *Cupid makes a 'shame, shame' motion at Strife, who shrugs* "So I decided to stretch myself and show off my archery skills."

Apollo: *snort* "There's a surprise."

Strife: "Shaddup, jealous."

Cupid: "I will shoot an apple off my lover's head."

Apollo: "Big woo."

*Strife stands on the far side of the stage and balances a golden apple on his head.*

Strife: "Ta make things more interestin, Cupie will be usin tha 'instant uncontrolable lust' arrow. Whoeveah it strikes will have tha hots fah tha first creature he sees--man, woman, in-between, or beast."

Apollo: "Huge sacrifice for you, since you'll be staring directly at Cupid."

Strife: "Shaddup, or alla yer nags get tha runs. Won't it be fun flyin behind 'em then?"

*Dramatic music as Cupid draws his bow. Well, as dramatic as you can get with lyres and flutes.* *Cupid's finger twitches as he prepares to release the arrow.*

Gabby's voice: "Cough!"

*zing*

*The arrow narrowly misses Strife's right ear and flys off stage. There is a loud whinny.*

Xena's voice: "Argo!"

Salmoneus's voice: "She's okay, Xena! The arrow barely nicked her, it's just a scratch. Yes, you're okay, aren't you girl? You... you... Argo, why are you looking at me like that? Why are you licking your lips? You aren't going to bite...? Oh, my gods!" *Salmoneus races across stage, followed closely by a cantering Argo, tail swishing flirtateously.* "Cupid! How long will that damn arrow last?"

Cupid: *calls after the disappearing pair* "There's no set time limit. Since she's in heat, just try not to get between her and any stallions. It could be messy."

Auto: "Next up, the sonnet stylings of that noted bard, Gabrielle."

*some groans, lukewarm applause* *Gabrielle comes out on stage with Xena*

Gabby: "I am unable to perform my chosen work due to what I consider to be sabotage by another pageant participant." *glares at Strife*

Strife: *making an 'isn't it just awful?' face* "Awwww."

Gabby: "Therefore I must resort to extemporaneous poetry. I will take a suggestion from the audience and compose a poem from it."

Aphrodite: *bouncing excitedly, causing several men to get whiplash* "Oo, oo! Nipples!"

Gabby: *pained* "Perhaps something a little less frivolous?"

Zeus: *puzzled* "Nipples are frivolous?"

Gabby: "Well, on guys, they are."

Strife: "Well, ain't that just a sexually prejudiced remark!"

Gabby: "Come on. They serve no purpose."

Iolaus's voice: "They're nature's thermometer. If they pop, put on more clothes."

Cupid: "They're great lie detectors in certain situations. Watch." *turns to Strife.* "Strife, do I turn you on?"

Strife: "Nah."

*Cupid grabs Strife and kisses him stupid, then rips open his shirt and points.*

Cupid: "See? His lips say 'nah', but his nipples say 'oh, baby!'"

Gabby: "No, no, no! They serve no natural purpose on a male. They were designed specifically to nurse babies!"

Strife: "An' just how tha fuck d'ya think I been feedin' my lil Impetua tha last two months, ya ditz?"

*Gabrielle turns green, shrieks, and tries to run off stage* *Xena holds on to her*

Auto: "Quit trying to dodge the issue, Gabby. The subject is 'nipples'. Versify us.

*Gabrielle collects herself*

Gabby: "Okay, I'm a bard. I can do this. Give me a minute." *Strife materializes an hour glass and upends it, staring at the trickling sand. "I meant that figuratively."

Strife: "As Xena prob'ly said tha first time she groped ya, 'tough titty'. Get on with it."

Gabby: "Oh! Ooo, you..." *ahem* "Nipples, nipples... Okay. 'When Nature made her finest creatures, male and female made she them. Strength and grace in harmony, yin and yang, butch and femme. Copper, brown, or sweet rose pink, they adorn each chest. Bared on naked, smooth skin, or hidden in a furry nest. They pout when passion rises, eager for a touch, a kiss, a lick, a gentle squeeze, but pinching is too much..."

Strife: "Sez who? Depends on who, when, and..."

Cupid: *Cupid pinches him, guess where?* "Shut up, babe."

Strife: "Ooooo. 'kay."

Gabby: "Whenever we start love play, they add a special zing. All hail the lovely nipple! Let us its... uh their praises sing!"

Aphrodite: *blows nose* "That's so beautiful."

Author's Voice: "Why the heck didn't y'all choose nipple rings? I could've probably come up with something better."

Gabby: "What do you mean 'you' could've? This was my work!"

Strife: *whispers to Cupid* "She's claimin it?"

Gabby: *stamps foot* "Mine, I tell you! I created it!"

Author's voice: "Hasn't anyone explained to Blondie yet how this fanfiction thing works?"

Xena: "It's not like we haven't tried. I thought she would've gotten the message after the Jerry Springer fic, but her head is as hard as that damn staff she carries."

Author's voice: "We don't have time for this now." *very patient voice, as if speaking to a slow five year old* "Whatever you say, Gabby. Just step aside so Joxer can have his turn."

Joxer's voice: "Um, that's all right."

Gabby: "Oh, Tartarus no. If I had to go through this humiliation, so do you. Get your ass out here."

*Ares comes out, dragging Joxer*

Joxer: "Rees, please! I haven't done this for ages! Besides, I'm the God of Peace now, it doesn't apply! Let me juggle instead."

Ares: "Last time you tried that you were knocked unconscious by an apple and almost lost a toe to a dagger." *He pushes Joxer to center stage* "Sing."

*a large portion of the audience rises and starts to leave.* "Excuse me." "Pardon me." "Scuse." "Comin' through!" "I wanna get to my chariot before the traffic gets too bad."

*krackle* *Ares blasts a hole in the stage* "I'd advise anyone who isn't leaving to grab and hold onto anyone who IS, because I'm not going to bother to pick and choose my targets." *everyone sits down again* *Ares repairs the stage* "Do it for me, Joxer. Sing to me, baby!"

*sigh* *Joxer straightens, then throws his chest out boldly*

*sings* "He's Joxer, the Mighty, known both far and wide! When they're choosing teams he's picked for the first side. A maverick and a loner, but he doesn't have to be! He could have a million friends, or even thirty-three. Joxer the Mighty, he goes from town to town, righting wrongs and saving lives, the toughest guy around..."

*sound of pattering feet* *several dozen teenage and pre-teen girls come thundering down the aisle and throw themselves against the stage* *Joxer blinks, but keeps singing*

"He's Joxer the Mighty, a bold and brassy dude! But he's polite to ladies, and never, never rude. Unless you are a bandit or warlord on a tear. Then he'll kick your sorry butt and never muss his hair."

*squeals and sighs* *lots of bouncing up and down, but not as much as there could be, since most of the teenboppers haven't grown boobs yet* *Someone yells* "Dance!"

*Joxer throws a helpless look at Ares, who gives him a 'go on' motion* *Joxer starts to dance.* *lots of clanking from 'armor'*

"Joxer, the Mighty! So handsome it's a crime. When he chats the ladies up, they always have the time..."

*Everyone, except the girls and Ares, is watching, open mouthed* *Cupid and Strife exchange glances* *They move up on either side of Joxer, and the three of them start doing choreographed dance moves*

*screams!*

*Joxer is a little surprised about his sudden back-up, but takes it in stride*

"Hangin' with his posse, you ladies best beware! Hang on to your hearts and knickers, we will soon be there!"

*free style boogie by all three*

*pandemonium among the teenyboppers* *they swarm the stage* *somene stuffs a dinar down Joxer's pants* *Joxer yelps. It's a coin--it's cold* *one of the smaller girls tries to climb Strife*

Strife: "Censor alert! Come get tha jailbait!"

*Praetorian guards, who are moonlighting as security, peel the sobbing girl off Strife and begin to haul off the other hysterical fans* *one of the girls steals Joxer's helmet as a souvenier* *she is chased off by a jealous, screaming pack of friends* *Cupid materializes a quill and signs an older girl's bare shoulder*

*as the last girls are hustled from the stage, they call back* "You guys have a fan club, right? Right? I'll start one!" "Ohmygawds! Cupid smiled at me!" "He did not, you skank! He smiled at me!" "They're so cute!" "Are they gonna play the marketplaces? I won't mind going for my Mom if they do!" "They're hotter than Pythagoras and the Triangles!" "I'm gonna get my dad to hire them for my sweet XVI party!"

*finally the stage is clear of hormonally hyped females*

Beloved Author: "Huh? No, no. Aphrodite and Eris aren't on the stage, they're on the panel. Pay attention."

Auto: "Well!" *cups a hand to his ear* "That noise you hear is the Muses, having fits. Our final contestant is Hercules."

Hercules's voice: "If you think I'm following that, you're nuts!"

Iolaus's voice: "C'mon, Herk. We put you in a loincloth, you shimmy to some lyre music. Flip the hips at some of the matrons. Joxer got a dinar, for heaven's sake, Think of the money we could make."

Hercules's voice: "No!"

Iolaus's voice: "All right, but the next time we can't afford a room, I'm going to remind you of this."

Auto: "Okay, one contestant opts out of the talent competition. Judging from some of the participants, I'm not sure if that shouldn't count in his favor. The last section is coming up next--the poise competition!"

Joxer: *groan* "Can I go home now?"

Ares: "Joxer, chill. You've done fine so far."

Joxer: "All right. But so help me, if they ask me what I'd do to promote world peace..."

Part Four

Autolycus: "Okay, our contestants are taking a few moments to change back into their usual outfits..." *boos* "Yes, I must agree that there were some tasty knees on display, but all good things must come to an end."

Strife's voice: "Sez you!"

Cupid's voice: "Hon, you have to quit humping me so I can get dressed again."

Auto: "Ooooh-kay. Now then, each competitor will be asked a different question, which is designed to showcase their characters, their ethics, their hopes, their dreams, an' all that othah good shit."

Strife's voice: "Plug accomplished. You'll find yer dinars back at yer inn room."

Auto: "Everybody back on stage now, or Salmoneus may try for another commercial break."

Xena's voice: "Not likely. Argo has him cornered up a tree. Sheesh, I always thought she had better taste." *the contestants and sponsors troop out on stage* "Contestants, please take a seat on these impracticably high stools, which will give the judges and the audience one more chance to get a good gander at your legs." *everyone settles* "All right. Our contestants will now be questioned by our distinguished panel of judges. First contestant--Cupid."

Cupid: *Cupid stands up and goes to the front of the stage* "Please don't ask me about promoting world peace. I can only think of one way, and if I shot that many arrows my arm would fall off."

Zeus: "Me first."

Practically everyone, all over, whispering under their breath: "Big surprise."

Zeus: *glares* "There's too many of you to zap at once, so I'll let it go--this time." *clears throat* "Okay, Cupid, let's hear just why bestiality isn't such a bad thing."

Cupid: "Grandpa!"

Salmoneus's voice: "No, please! Don't you sanction it! I'm..." *crack* "Oh shit!" *thump* *thunder of hoofbeats* *Salmoneus bolts across the stage, Argo in close pursuit* *housekeeping rushes out and mops damp spots up off stage*

Aphrodite: "Stop it, you old goat! Just because you like to run around as a swan or bull boinking anything with an innie instead of an outie..."

Zeus: "All right, all right! Um..."

Cupid: "No, uh-uh, no way I'm answering anything now. I have to sit down while my stomach settles."

Eris: *looking alert* "Morning sickness?"

Strife: *hugging Cupid* "Ma! Aintcha evah heard of family plannin? We know what causes it, an' Imp ain't gettin anothah sib for some time. Right, Scribe?"

Beloved Author: "Geez, Eris, I've only done the first couple chapters of What a Difference a Deity makes. I've got this one and Stranger in a Strange Land, and that's just in the Xenaverse. If you go into my Dracula or Sentinel fic..."

Strife: "I thought we had an agreement, Toots. You write our stuff first--I don't crash yer computah."

Beloved Author: "Yeah, well, what about this month long forceful separation from the net, huh? What about that?"

Strife: "That one ain't mine. Quit downloadin' shit without scannin it first."

Auto: "Getting back to the matter at hand. Second contestant--Joxer. Step up and face off."

*Joxer rises, helped along by a goose from Ares*

Joxer: "Arry! What's gotten into you?"

Ares: "This whole thing has just reminded me very forcefully of what a sweet little stud muffin you are, Joxie. When this is over and I get you home, Greece is going to have a period of unparralleled peace, because I'm going to be busy fucking you into oblivion. I've located some Mesopotanian pottery that has some very interesting variations we haven't tried yet."

Joxer: *blinks* *gets dreamy look on his face*

Apollo: *sounding bored* "Okay, my turn. Uh, um... Oh, hell, let's go with a cliche. What would you do to stop war?"

Joxer: "Are you fucking kidding? Absolutely nothin'!"

Aphrodite: *nods vigorously* "Works for me."

Auto: "Contestant three--Hercules. Stand up so we can benefit from your sparkling personal observations."

Hercules: *stands up* *suspicious* "Auto, are you being sarcastic?"

Auto: "Moi?"

Hades: "I'm next. If I'm going to take this much time off from work, I want a chance to put someone on the spot. Hercules, as you know I exist to judge people when they come to the end of their mortal span. You've just appeared before me. Tell me why I should let you into Elysium instead of kicking your butt into Tartarus?"

Hercules: "Oh. Uh. Well, I'm neat, punctual, respectful to my parents, temperate..."

Strife: "Hah! I got scryin mirror records of a numbah of tavern incidents."

Hercules: *protesting* "I hardly ever pass out! I protect the vulnerable, fight evil at every opportunity, try to end violence..."

Ares: "By the usual method of whooping someone's ass."

Hercules: *ignoring him* "I help old ladies across the road so they won't be run down by chariots. I don't take rewards for my assistance. I'm kind to animals."

Gabrielle: "As long as they're cute and fuzzy. How many minotaurs, hydras, harpies, wolves and such have you killed?"

Hercules: *doing what most people do--ignoring her* "I'm upright, and filled with moral rectitude..."

Strife: "Upright? Try uptight 'cause of that stick up your rectumtude."

Hercules: "And I provide a shining example for the young people of Greece."

*violent gagging noises from Ares, Strife, and Eris*

Hades: "I have to check my records when I get back home. I must have sent him through the Void at some point--no one could possibly get that prissy in one lifetime."

Auto: "And last, but not least..." *pause* *looks at Gabrielle* "Or possibly not. Gabrielle."

*Gabrielle, long suffering look firmly in place, gets up* *panel of judges whisper together*

Eris: "Acting as designated spokesbitch for the judges, I'd like to say that we decline to ask the Blabbster a question. Apollo is of the opinion, and I agree, that listening to her too much would make even an immortal's ears bleed."

Gabrielle: "Hey!"

*glass shatters* *a harpie thumps to the ground, stunned* *Argo stampedes across the stage, a dazed and rumpled Salmoneus clinging to her back*

Xena: "Argo, you slut! You know he won't cough up any colt support!"

*Xena dashes off after Argo*

Gabrielle: "Wait! This may be the perfect case to strike a blow against speciesism!" *trots after Xena*

Auto: "Looks like Xena's entrant forfeits her chance to be named Best Lover. Anybody out there lose any money on her?" *silence* *sound of lonely wind rushing through arena* "What a surprise. Okay, judges, it's time to make your decision. Retire to the decision room to discuss your picks. You'll find plenty of beverages and a nice grape and fig platter if you feel the need to nosh." *Gods and goddesses adjourn to adjacent room* "In the meantime we have an Etruscan dance troupe imported from Rome to entertain."

*Etruscan dancers come out and do very provocative dance. Six out of every seven veils hit the boards* *Cupid and Strife do not notice. They are making out under the judges's table*

*door to judges's room opens*

Apollo's voice: "Yo, we need a little more supplies."

Auto: "Parchment? Quills?"

Apollo's voice: "Wine, mead, and ale." *whisper* "Oh, and Aphrodite needs a double helping of Preatorian guards."

Auto: "Oh. Okay." *Praetorian guards carry in supplies* *intense giggles*

Guard's voice: "Lady, please! At least let me set down the tray!"

*more dancing* *Ares pulls Joxer onto his lap*

Joxer: *squeak* "Ares! Let me up!"

Ares: "Just for a second."

*Joxer stands up, blocking the audience's view of Ares.*

Ares: *untie, adjust* *Ares grabs the hem of Joxer's tunic* *flip* *jerk* *Ares pulls Joxer down on his lap again* *somehow Joxer seems to settle a lot farther down*

Joxer: *eyes wide* "Yip!"

*Strife peers out from under table*

Strife: "Floor show! Floor show!"

Joxer: *panting* "Not on the floor! This stage is fucking splintery."

*door to judges's room opens again* *grunts, groans, moans, yelps, whines, whimpers, and lots of slapping sounds*

Zeus's voice: "Ares! Get Joxer in here, right now! He's the God of Peace, not the God of Piece, and we have little enough respect from the mortals as it is."

Ares: *gets up, holding Joxer in place, and staggers into the judges's room* "What respect? Make do with fear and envy, like I do."

Aphrodite's voice: "Send in the Etruscan dancers!"

Auto: "But what about the audience?"

Aphrodite's voice: "Let 'em make their own entertainment."

Zeus's voice: "Hey! Hades found a keg of nectar in the mini bar, and he isn't sharing!"

Hades's voice: *very slurred* "Screw sharin! *hic* "Hermes! C'mere, cutie! Let's knock winged boots!"

Apollo's voice: "Uncle Hades... I think you've had a little too much, man. Let me help you to this sofa and..." *mmmph* "Hey! Look, I got a dancer waiting for me, and I don't..." *mmmmmmmmph*

*lick* *nibble*

Apollo's voice: *muffled* "Screw it. I can get Etruscan dancers anytime, but this..."

Zeus's voice: *fascinated* "Hades, is that an entirely sanitary way to eat grapes?"

Eris's voice: "Oh, wow. That is so... so... Auto! Get your butt in here! now!"

Auto: *wincing, but adjusting a sizeable boner as he walks* "That's a strap-on tone of voice if I ever heard one. Coming, Mistress!" *enters judges's room*

*Cupid and Strife exchange looks* *both get up and hustle into the judges's room* *various bits of brown and black leather come flying back out, along with a couple of feathers*

*The stage is now empty, save for Hercules and Iolaus*

Iolaus: "Do we win by default?"

Hercules: "I don't think so. I think a decision has to be declared, but judging from what seems to be going on in there, it may be some time, and they may all have forgotten why they went in there in the first place."

Iolaus: "So now what?"

Hercules: "You promised me the sponge trick."

Iolaus: *grinning* "So I did." *throws arm around Hercules and they stroll off together* "There's a nice inn just across the street that provides private baths. Let's see... I'll need soap-on-a-rope, a rubber duckie, and a big, soft bath sponge..."

*the stage is empty* *crowd mutters discontentedly*

*clop clop clop*

*Salmoneus leads Argo back onto the stage. He's weaving* *If horses can grin, Argo is grinning* *Salmoneus throws an arm over Argo's neck* *Argo nuzzles his cheek*

Salmoneus: "The First Annual Best Lover Contest is declared null and void due to desertion by all participants. All are invited to re-enter next year in the Second Annual World's Best Lover Contest, and Invitation Only Orgy. It is expected that next year the contest will focus more logically on what makes a good lover, such as Thoughtfulness, Gift Choosing, Important Dates Remembering, Losing an Argument Gracefully, Finding Your Partner's Erogenous Zones, and Doing the Wild Thing. We hope by then to have initiated changes in who is allowed to compete. Don't we, pookie bear?"

Argo: "Neigh."

Salmoneus: *disappointed* "But I thought you wanted to compete."

*Argo and Salmoneus exit*

*credits roll while the Muses sing 'Love Is a Many Gendered Thing'*

Beloved Author: "I wonder if the bit with Argo and Salmoneus will get me banned from ff.n?" *thinks* "Nah. If the Winnie-the-Pooh slash didn't do it, nothing will."
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