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Unexpected Depths	By : betsanne Category: S through Z > Sentinel Views: 1677 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own The Sentinel, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Unexpected Depths
- 1
Disclaimer: Anything here you recognize is not mine. I don't make any money off this story.

A/N: Story was previously written in November 2001. I have taken it off the shelf and dusted it. It was the very first slash story ever written by me and it needed tremendous revision. I think it's better now. I also changed the end of the story. I took the epilogue off since I've lost interest in the Sentinel fandom. This story was supposed to have a sequel, but the sequel has been sitting on my hard drive since 2001 and its not even been touched since then. I just can't motivate myself to write. I may try to force it though. It just depends.

UNEXPECTED DEPTHS

By Betsanne

Jim opened the door to the loft and walked in. Looking around he saw the open space where the furniture should've been. He had packed everything up and put in the basement storage. Sighing at the thought of unpacking the boxes and hauling the furniture out of the basement, he threw his duffel bag on the floor by the front door. Turning around he looked at Blair, who was still in the doorway of the loft. He looked exhausted and the circles under his eyes were prominent. He looked as if he would fall over any second now.

"Chief, why don't we get a hotel room for the night? That way we can get our sleep and come back tomorrow and unpack everything. I don't know about you, but I am too tired to do any heavy lifting. What do you say?" Jim asked, hoping for some response. Blair had been quiet on the plane and the ride home. No wonder, he thought, he looks ready to collapse.

"Fine, Jim" Blair responded flatly.

Sighing, Jim bent over and picked up his bag and walked towards the door. He looked at Blair then nodded beyond the door.

"Let's go."

Blair turned and walked out the door. He reached the elevator and waited. Jim turned and took one last look at the loft. He had a feeling that things would never be the same as he shut and locked the door.

He pushed the elevator button and leaned against the wall. He was tired. It had been long plane ride home. He had hardly slept on the plane. The noises were too loud and the smells too strong. The dials for his sense were acting up. Who was he trying to kid? He hadn't slept well for the last couple of weeks, especially after finding Blair lying in the fountain. He swallowed a lump in his throat. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Blair floating face down in the fountain, his hair spread out. He couldn't believe that he was dead. That his actions had gotten him killed. The guilt was eating him up inside and he had to find a way to make it up to Blair. He had to let him know that he was sorry. That he never wanted this to happen.

He had to tell him that he loved him, and that he had for years. He only hoped that Blair would forgive him. Actually, he pretty much figured that Blair would, once he had time to think about it and especially after Jim apologized. Blair always forgave him for every wrong thing he ever did to Blair. He knew that Blair loved him, that he had loved him for several months a least. He wasn't a Sentinel for nothing.

A ding brought him out of his thoughts. The elevator doors opened and he straightened up. Putting his hand on Blair's lower back, he was about to give a little nudge to get him moving when Blair stiffened at his touch and moved into the elevator. He waited for Jim to get on, never looking at him. He had a blank look on his face. Jim swallowed hard, suddenly very nervous. Maybe it would be a little harder to get Blair to forgive him than he thought.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Walking into the hotel room, Blair looked around. It had two full size beds. He was glad. He didn't think he could handle having to share the bed with Jim right now. He just couldn't handle having him that close. The rage that he was feeling right how was too great, and he had a feeling that the closer Jim was to him, the harder it would be to contain it.

He threw his backpack on the bed and sat down. He bent over to take off his shoes, but was suddenly dizzy. Damn, he cursed, I need to take that slow. Almost forgot about the ribs. He was so focused on keeping his anger hidden. He didn't have the strength right now to get into it with Jim, even though he knew that it was coming. Panting slightly, he stood up slowly.

"Hey, Chief, you alright?" he heard Jim ask in a worried voice.

"I'm fine, Jim. I'm going to go take a shower then I'm going to bed." He grabbed his backpack and started walking to the bathroom. Intent on his goal, he didn't see the frown on Jim's face. He felt a hand on his arm and stopped. Looking down, he saw that Jim had placed his hand there to restrain him. Funny, he thought, even a week ago that touch would have been comforting, but now it just seemed to be restraining him. Shaking Jim's hand off his arm, he walked towards the bathroom.

"Chief, wait," Jim called out.

"What, Jim? I'm tired and I would like to have a shower. Can't this wait?" he asked, standing completely still.

Jim had never seen Blair so still. He was getting more than a little concerned. Blair wasn't bouncing back like he was supposed too. Blair had yet to look at him in the face. The last time Blair actually looked at him was at the temple. He walked over to Blair and stopped in front of him.

"I was going to order some room service. Would like something? I don't think you ate on the plane. How about some soup?" he asked gently.

"No, Jim. I want to take a shower and go to sleep. That's all I want to do. I don't want to eat, I don't want to talk. I don't want to do anything, but shower and sleep. Understand?!? Nothing!" Blair exclaimed in a loud voice. Damn, I am so not ready to get into this yet. He took a couple of deep breaths to calm himself. I need to get out of here. He stomped to the bathroom, slammed the door and locked it. Throwing the bag on the floor, he pulled back the shower curtain and turned on the shower. After setting the temperature to hot, he tried to unbutton his shirt. His hands were shaking and couldn't get the first button undone. Damn it!!! he cursed silently. He sat down on the toilet and put his head in his hands. He had almost given into the rage that was simmering inside him. I need to be calm. I just can't do this right now. After a couple minutes of deep breaths, his hands stopped shaking. He got out of his clothes and threw them in the corner.

Walking to the sink, he looked in the mirror. He didn't recognize himself. The man looking back at him was old. The circles under his eyes were black and the lines around his eyes and mouth had increased. His face was gray with exhaustion. His eyes were filled with rage and pain. He didn't like the man in the mirror. Shutting his eyes, he turned toward the shower. Just take the damn shower then get some sleep. With that litany in mind, he stepped into the shower.

Jim stared at the bathroom door. He flinched when he heard the door being locked. Blair never locked any of the doors at the loft. Damn, this might be harder than I thought. Turning around he went to order some room service. He ordered some soup on the off chance that Blair would change his mind and eat. Putting the phone down, he looked around the room. He didn't really have anything to do. Grabbing the remote, he turned on the TV and flicked through the channels. Nothing interesting was on. Sighing, he turned off the TV and threw the remote on the bed. He got up and went to the sliding door and opened it. Stepping out, he looked out at the lights of Cascade.

I have to tell Blair that I love him. I need to tell him that I forgive him for not telling me about Alex. I need to apologize about what I said about not trusting him. How sorry I am that Alex killed him to get to me. I can't do this Sentinel thing without him. Incacha showed me that in the temple. He is my light and he needs to be protected. I have to take better care of my Guide.

He remembered the first time he saw Blair, the young curly haired man that had come bouncing in the examination room. He had been so beautiful. Hell, he still is. Time had only improved him. Working with Jim had added a new maturity that hadn't been there when they had first met. It wasn't love at first sight, but it sure was lust at first sight. If he hadn't been so scared about his senses he might have made a pass at Blair. Blair was the only person who could help him with his senses, and he didn't want to take the chance that Blair might take off if he got offended. After several months with Blair, he realized that Blair was completely straight. Well at least he had thought so. He never saw any signs of interest for guys and especially not for Jim either.

About a year ago he started noticing the little things. The side glances, the faster heartbeat when he touched Blair. There was also the time he had forgotten his robe and walked out with just a towel hanging on his hips. Blair had stood there staring at him, hearting beating wildly and pheromones leaking all over the place. He thought that it was possible that Blair might be interested. He waited for Blair to make a move, but Blair never did. He got tired of waiting and decided that he needed to know if Blair was interested in him. While Blair was at the University, he went into his room and found his journal.

Blair had been writing in this journal since before he moved in with Jim. He wrote in it faithfully every night. He trusted Jim not to invade his privacy and read it. Normally Jim would've honored that trust, but damn it he needed to know. He had skimmed through the journal and found references of his growing interest in the 'one' and his awakening desire for this person. He wrote about his turmoil of unrequited lust and love. The 'one' was never mentioned by name, but he talked about his new found desire for men, the thrill and fear of his discovery was written in the journal. The entries in the journal stopped three months ago, but Jim wasn't concerned. Now that he knew about Blair's interest, he could take his time. Make Blair come to him when Jim was ready for the relationship. He would bide his time. After all wasn't Jim everything Blair wanted and needed?

He would take care of Blair tonight. Let him have his shower and sleep. In the morning he would apologize and tell Blair that he was ready for the relationship that they so obviously wanted. With that thought in mind he headed back into the room. Picking the duffel bag off of the table where he had placed it, he got his clothes together and waited to take a shower. There was a knock at the door. Opening the door he saw a man with a cart standing in the hallway. Ah, room service, he thought to himself. He allowed the man to push the cart in. After giving him his tip, he shut the door, and wheeled the cart to the bed.

The shower shut off in the bathroom. After a few minutes the bathroom door opened. Blair came walking out, followed by steam. He went to his bed and threw his clothes down. He placed the backpack next to the bed. Pulling down the blanket on the bed and fluffing the pillow, he sat down. He picked up his bag and went through it. With a grunt of satisfaction, he found his pick. After picking out the wet hair he put it back and threw the clothes and backpack back down on the floor.

"Chief, there's some soup on the cart. I ordered some in case you changed your mind about eating. I'm afraid all they had was chicken noodle. Is that alright? I need to go take my shower, so you go ahead and eat, and if you decide you want something else just ordered. Nothing is too good for my guide," he said gently.

Blair sat still for a few seconds and then lay down on the bed. He covered himself with the blankets.

"Goodnight, Jim" he said in the coldest voice that Jim had ever heard coming out Blair's mouth.

"Ah, Chief? I thought you might want�." Jim began only to be cut off by Blair.

"Good night, Jim!" he said in a voice that was colder than before.

"Um�night," Jim said hesitantly. Getting up he walked to the bathroom and shut the door. Leaning his head against the door, he sighed. Damn, it was going to be harder to get Blair to forgive him, longer too. Shaking his head he took off his clothes and got into the shower.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Blair waited until he heard the shower come on. He thought about it while taking his shower. There was no way he could do this. He couldn't stand to be around Jim anymore. He was seriously thinking about giving up his peace loving ways and simply killing the man.

Reaching for his backpack, he pulled out the white noise generator. He took it with him to Sierra Verde on the off chance that they might need it. He flipped the switch to turn it on. He reached for the phone and dialed the well known number. He waited for the other end to be picked up.

"Hey, it's me," Blair said wearily.

"Blair," the voice said softly. "How are you doing?"

Blair closed his eyes and laid his head down on his pillow. He sighed heavily and said, "I can't do this. I thought I could, but you were right. There's no way I can stay here and pretend that everything is alright. I was going to try for the sake of our friendship, but I realized that there is no friendship anymore, and there hasn't been one for several months. I'm this close to throwing his ass out the fucking window. Damn it, I need to get away. I think I'll take you up on the offer. If you still want me, I mean."

"Yes, Blair love, I want you here with me. I love you and I want you living here. I love the thought of coming home to you every night. Damn, Blair, come home tonight. You don't have to stay there," the gruff voice said gently.

Blair thought about it a moment and shook his head. "No, I need to talk to him tomorrow. I need to let him know that I'm not coming back to the loft. There's just no way. I do miss you though. I wish you were here, holding me. I want you to do me a favor if you would," he asked.

His lover chuckled and said, "Anything. You know that."

"God, I love you so much," Blair said with a sob. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm so glad that I finally told you about how I felt about you." Rubbing his fingers over his weary eyes, he said, "I need you to go to the motel room that I was using before I left for Sierra Verde. I have all my stuff there. I also have my car loaded up." Blair closed his eyes in pain. "Jim was kind enough to pack it up for me," he said in a bitter voice. "Take it to your place and�"

His lover interrupted him. "Our place Blair, this is our place and it has been for several months now," the voice said firmly.

Blair chuckled wearily. "Sorry, our place then. I need you to store my stuff. I'll unpack it later. With you to help, it will get done faster."

"Alright love, I'll do that," he said gently.

The shower was turned off. Blair had only a couple of minutes before Jim came out of the bathroom.

"I have to go. Jim is getting out of the shower, and I'm so not ready to get into this yet I need some serious sleep before I tackle this," he explained in a rush.

"Alright, love, I'll let you go. Call me if you need anything, and remember that I love you," his lover voice whispered softly.

Blair choked on a sob and whispered, "I love you too, and I'll dream of you. Gotta go." He reached over to hang up the phone. He grabbed the white noise generator and turned it off. He hurriedly stuck it in the backpack. Setting it next to the bed, he turned off the light. Lying down, he covered up and started to breath evenly.

Jim walked out of the bathroom and noticed that the light next to Blair's bed was out. He also noticed that Blair didn't touch his soup. Looking over at Blair, he listened and realized that Blair was still awake, but was pretending to be asleep. Deciding to let him get away with it, he walked over to the cart and started eating. After he finished eating, he stuck the cart in the hallway for the cleaning crew.

He went over to his bed and pulled down the blankets. He yawned widely and laid down on the bed. Lying there, he listened to Blair's heartbeat and even breathing and slowly fell asleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Blair waited until he heard Jim snore then looked over at the man who used to be his best friend. The knowledge that this man was never really his friend left a large hole in his heart. The knowledge that Jim only wanted him on his terms and that the "friendship" was not an equal partnership left his soul hurting.

He'd once had a crush on Jim that started several months ago, but that went nowhere fast. He was just starting to acknowledge that he was interested in men and Jim seemed like the safest person to have a crush on. Someone who he knew would never be interested in him, someone harmless to be fixated on while sorting out his feelings. The crush didn't last very long after he found the "one". He must admit he never would've thought he would've felt this way about him, but he took that chance and told him how he felt. He was elated when he found out his feelings were returned. His lover had thought that he had no chance with Blair. He had known about Blair's crush on Jim. His feelings for his lover were greater than the crush he'd had on Jim.

After several months of dating and huge fight with Jim over some small thing, his lover asked him to move in with him. Blair had decided that he needed to be with Jim, to help him with his senses. He explained to his lover that he wasn't quite ready to live together yet. His lover had accepted his excuse, but let him know that he would always be welcomed. After all that happened lately, with Alex, being kicked out of the loft, dying, he knew that he needed to be somewhere where he was loved and where he was an equal. He needed to be with someone who thought that he mattered because of who he was and not what he could do for that person. Hell, he hadn't slept with his lover yet. They were taking it slow because of Blair's lack of experience.

Rolling over in the bed, he snuggled up to his pillow. He closed his eyes and thinking of his lover, he drifted off to sleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Jim woke with the sun shining on his face. He groaned in irritation and rolled over. Opening his eyes, he looked around and for a minute his mind was blank. Where the hell was he? Oh yea that's right. Empty loft, hotel room, he thought with a sigh. Looking at the clock on the night table, his eyes widen in surprise. It was after twelve. He couldn't believe that he had slept so long. Blair! Looking over at the next bed, he noticed that it was empty. Sitting up fast, he looked around the room. He found Blair, sitting in the chair by the window. He had opened the curtains, which explained the sun shining in his eyes.

"Hey, Chief, did you sleep ok?" he asked carefully.

"Yes, fine," Blair answered his voice low and flat. "Jim, we need to talk."

"Alright, just let me go to the bathroom and we can talk all you want," Jim said rising from the bed. He stared at Blair, looking him over. He still looked tired, but not as bad as before. He still had the blank look on his face.

Jim was suddenly very nervous. He couldn't seem to get rid of the ball of dread that seemed to be forming in his stomach. He didn't understand why he was suddenly dreading the talk. He knew that he was about to give Blair everything he wanted. He knew that Blair loved him. He said that he was the "one" in his journal. It didn't exactly name him, but he was the only person that Blair spent that much time with.

He turned around and walked into the bathroom. Shutting the door, he leaned against it and closed his eyes. He needed to just relax. Everything was going to be just fine. Blair wasn't going to leave him and they would become lovers now that Jim decided that he was ready. All would be well.

Blair turned and watched Jim go into the bathroom. Once the door closed he turned back to look out the window. He could see his lover waiting for him in his car. Blair sighed heavily; he was ready for this talk. Hell, he was ready for this fight. He had nothing to lose anymore. Sad to realize, but he never really had anything to lose when it came to Jim. It was always Jim's way, Jim's rules, Jim, Jim, Jim. Frankly, he was tired of it. He was losing himself. He was losing the joy he used to have for life because of Jim. He needed to leave and he needed to leave soon.

He almost left as soon as he woke, but knew that Jim would just follow him. He called his lover and asked him to wait in the parking lot for him. He needed this resolved quick so he could go home with his lover. I guess it just wasn't in me to be a Guide, he thought sadly. He felt a vague guilt about leaving Jim, but he also had vague hopes that this split would eventually put everything on equal footing. If not, then there was nothing that Blair could do. He needed to leave. He had to leave.

He heard the bathroom door open and Jim walked over to him. Jim stopped and waited. Blair opened his mouth to say something, but Jim put his hand up.

"Wait, before you say anything, I need to tell you something. Something that I know will make you happy. I've known for several months that you were in love with me. I just wasn't ready for the relationship. After all that has happened lately, I realized I needed to tell you. I love you, Blair. I'm in love with you. I have been for several years. I thought that you were straight and that you had no interest in men. Several months ago I noticed that you were watching me. I also noticed that you were turned on every time I came out of the shower with just my towel on. I knew then that you wanted me."

Jim took a glance at Blair's face. He was looking at Jim with an expression of shock. He was sitting absolutely still. Jim started to pace.

"What I'm about to tell you will probably make you angry, but I need you to understand that I just needed to know. I looked in your journal and found that you were in love. I know you didn't give a name, you only called him the 'one', but I know that it's me. You talk about him being around the station and coming to visit you at the University. That could only be me. I decided that I wasn't ready for a relationship with you then. I mean I knew that you loved me, but I couldn't start a relationship yet. It would've been too inconvenient. I needed you as my Guide without the distractions of love and lust and all the emotions of being lovers," Jim explained.

Bending down in front of Blair, Jim continued earnestly. "Things have changed since then. I realized that I need a lot more from you that what we have. I realized that I could lose you. It had never really occurred to me that I could lose you to death, but once I realized that, I also realized that all my concerns were nothing. I'm ready now Blair, ready to be lovers. I know that sometimes it'll interfere with you being my Guide, but I'm ready to overlook that. I just need you. I love you. I'm so sorry about what happened with Alex. I never meant for you to get hurt. I just needed to get you out of the loft. I felt closed in and trapped. It could've a Sentinel thing, I don't know. Just say you'll forgive me. Please? That way we can be together like we were meant to be," Jim pleaded.

Jim leaned back and waited for Blair's response. He was pretty sure he covered everything. He just had to believe that Blair loved him enough to forgive him. Blair got up from the chair and stepped around Jim. He walked to the middle of the room and stopped. He was still for several seconds then he turned around and walked back to Jim. He stopped in front of Jim and looked at Jim. Staring back into Blair's eyes, he never saw the fist that punched in the face.

Blair stared at stunned figure that was lying on the floor in front of him. He couldn't believe that the man in front of him was someone he had considered a friend. Wanted a relationship now that it was convenient did he? Went through his journal did he? Thought he was in love with him did he? That arrogant ass!

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" he hissed out coldly. "You want a relationship now? Because suddenly it's more convenient for you now? You asshole!" he snarled. "I was never fucking in love with you. Right now, I'm seriously beginning to hate you."

"Blair? What? Why?" stammered Jim from his position on the floor. "Why did you hit me? What do mean you aren't in love with me? You're lying," Jim said in anger as he rose to his knees and shook his head. Damn, he's a lot stronger than he looks. My ears are ringing.

Blair crossed his arms and glared at Jim. "I was never in love with you. Yes, I had a crush on you, but I never wanted a relationship. I love someone else. I love someone who considers me an equal partner. I love someone who cares for me, and doesn't criticize me when they don't agree with me, or if my opinions don't fit in his narrow view of the world. I love someone who thinks that I contribute something to the relationship. I love someone that doesn't believe that I'm just a convenient tool to be used only when I am needed, and then put back in his nice little box. Trust me Jim; I'm in love, but it sure in hell is not you!" he snarled in anger.

"There is no fucking way that you're my 'one'," Blair said in the cold voice. The look in his eyes was scaring Jim. This wasn't turning out how he had predicted and he didn't like it. He didn't like it one bit. There was no way that Blair was going to screw things up for him.

Grabbing Blair by arms, he threw him against the wall. "You know you love me and I'm going to show you just how much," Jim hissed out. He grabbed Blair's hair in one hand and held him in place with the other. He captured Blair's lips in a savage kiss. Oh yea. I should have done this a long time ago, he thought to himself. He licked Blair's bottom lip, trying to get him to open up. Damn it. What the hell is his problem? He knows this was meant to be. He shoved tongue into Blair's mouth and moaned with ecstasy. God, he tastes so sweet. Mmmm, he moaned to himself.

Blair was stunned. Whatever reaction he had expected from Jim, it wasn't this. Actually he shouldn't be surprised. Jim didn't like to be told no, and if he didn't agree with something he either changed it or ignored it. Just like he was ignoring the fact that Blair said that he didn't love him. It didn't fit in Jim's view of the world. He couldn't suppress a shudder when Jim shoved his tongue in his mouth. He knew that there was no way he could push Jim away. Jim was a lot stronger than him. He thought frantically, maybe if he�yea that would work.

Pulling his head back slightly and letting Jim nibble on his neck, he started to moan, softly uttering, "Jim" under his breath. Talking softly, waiting for Jim to pay attention, he started to muttering, "Jim. Please, Jim."

Hearing his name being said by Blair, he stopped and looked at Blair's face. He head was bent back, exposing his neck. Hmmm� another place that tasted sweet. Trying to hear what Blair was saying, he dialed up his hearing and leaned forward. He heard "Jim. Please Jim" being uttered along with moans.

Leaning into Blair's ear he asked, "What, Chief? What do you need? Hm?" while nibbling on his ear.

Blair turned his head and whispered in Jim's ear, to low to be heard. Jim dialed his hearing higher and asked Blair to repeat it.

"Jim�aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Blair screamed into his ear, while at same time kneeing him in the groin. Jim fell, screaming in agony, both from the screaming in his ear and the knee in his groin.

Blair rushed over to the dresser and grabbed Jim's gun and handcuffs. Turning around he stared at Jim, who was rocking on the floor, weeping in pain, all the while muttering threats on Blair's life. After a few minutes the rocking stopped and Jim looked up at Blair with anger. "Why the fuck did you do that?" he snarled, his eyes filled with pain.

Blair raised the gun and pointed it a Jim's head and in the coldest voice ever heard coming out of Blair's mouth he said, "Get the fuck up and go to the bed. I want you to lay down and grab the headboard. Now!" he commanded.

Jim looked at Blair, then the gun in his hand in shock and disbelief. "What the fuck?! What are you doing with my gun? Blair, you know you don't mess with guns. Put it back on the dresser," he said.

"I said now, Jim," Blair said firmly, the rage in his eyes flickering hotly.

"Chief, do you expect me to seriously believe that you even know how to use that, hell let alone shoot it. You know that you don't do guns," Jim said in annoyance.

Blair smiled at Jim grimly and replied, "I said that I don't like guns, Jim. I never said I didn't know how to shoot one. Trust me, I know how to shoot one and I am perfect shot." He smirked at Jim. "Do you want to try me on this?" he asked.

Jim looked at Blair's face and swallowed hard. He had never been afraid of Blair before, but the look in Blair's eyes told him that Blair would have no problem pulling the trigger. He had never seen that much rage in Blair's eyes before. He slowly rose to his feet and walked over to the bed and laid down. Putting his hands on the headboard, he looked at Blair.

"Now what?" he inquired.

Blair threw the hand cuffs to Jim. "Put the handcuffs around the middle post and attach it to one hand."

Jim did as Blair said while Blair watched him carefully. Once the handcuff was on, Blair walked over to the bed he looked down at Jim. "Make a sudden move and I will have no problem shooting you. Please, just give me an excuse," he snarled, his eyes burning bright with his rage. Leaning down he grabbed the other hand and attached the handcuff to it. Pulling back, he nodded in satisfaction. There was no way Jim could get loose. Looking around, he found Jim's shirt and belt. Getting them, he straddled Jim's chest and leaned down to look at him.

"I told you I wanted to talk this morning. I had things I needed to say. There are things that need to be gotten out into the open. I had vague hopes that our friendship could be salvaged. I realize now, that there is no friendship to salvage. There never was. I still have things that need to be said and I don't want you to interrupt. I know I could tell you to not interrupt me, but you and I both know that you don't listen to a damn thing I say, so I'm going to gag you," Blair said with smirk. He placed the t-shirt over Jim's mouth, making sure that it wasn't covering his nose. He wrapped the belt around Jim's head and buckled it.

"There, that should keep you quiet," Blair said in satisfaction.

Getting off Jim's chest, he walked over to the dresser and put the gun back. It was too tempting. He felt out of control and he really didn't want the gun that close to him in fear he might actually use it. He closed his eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. He turned and looked back at Jim.

"First thing, I won't be moving back into the loft. I will never be returning to the loft. Ever! I have told my lover to get my things from the basement storage and put them in our home. He's waiting for me, ready to help me unpack. I knew I should have said yes to him last month when he asked me to move in with him, but I decided that I needed to help you. I had to stay with my Sentinel, my friend. I just couldn't leave you in a lurch. I knew that you counted on me to help you and I stupidly thought that we were friends, that you respected me. I see now that I was wrong. I was never really your friend. I was only your tool, something that was necessary to help you keep control of your senses," Blair said sadly.

"This thing with Alex showed me how little you really think of me. You tried to fuck the woman who killed me. No fucking way does a friend do that. It took you several seconds to decide to make her put her gun down. What were you doing? Thinking that maybe it would be convenient if she shot me. That way, I would be out of the way? Out of your life? It must've sucked to realize that you still needed me to help you control your senses," Blair said bitterly as he started to pace, arms waving in the air.

"I can't believe you. You sat there earlier and told me you were in love with me. You think how you treat me is love? And what the fuck was that with the kiss? Trying to prove to me how much I wanted you? Man, I was nothing, but repulsed. Any attraction I had for you died a long time ago. What would you have done if I hadn't screamed in your ear? Rape me? Oh yea, that would have proven your love," Blair snarled and rage flared brightly in his eyes once again.

Looking at Jim, he felt his rage fade. Left behind was a sense of sadness, a sense of loss. Jim the Sentinel, he would always remember with wonder and joy at finding his Holy Grail. Jim the Cop he would remember with awe and pride. Jim the Friend, well he would rather not remember. There was nothing but pain and disappointment for him.

"Jim, this is the way it's going to be. I don't love you. I love someone else. I'm moving in with my lover. I know you're wondering who it could be so I'll tell you. It's Simon," he said.

Ignoring the muffled shout of denial coming from the bed, he continued, "We've been dating for three months now and let me tell you it's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I never thought I could love someone that much. He listens to me like no one else, especially not you. He values my opinions. He supports me in whatever I do. He loves me because I'm me and not some inconvenient tool. He doesn't get upset if something takes my attention from him a couple of day. He just takes care of me and feeds me and supports me. He makes me feel totally loved and secure. He gives me things that you never can or could, Jim," Blair explained. His eyes were shining with love as he explained how important Simon was to him.

"I don't know why you think you love me, but you really don't. If you did, we would've been together long before now. I fell in love with Simon months before I ever told him. He is the person I talk about in my journal. It was never you, it had always been Simon. You thought I loved you, but I didn't. I never have," Blair said quietly.

"If you were in love with me Jim, then why are you just now getting around to telling me? I'll tell you why. Because all of the sudden you needed a way to keep me here. All of the sudden it didn't seem inconvenient anymore to be in love with me as long as I stayed with you and didn't mess up your perfect little world. That's not love, that's fear of losing control of your perfect world. And trust me Jim, you've lost me."

"I don't ever want to see you; I don't want any phone calls, or attempts to get through to me by faking something wrong with your senses. I'll teach Megan to help guide you, but I will no longer do it. I'm going to write my dissertation on the Thin Blue Line. I don't want to have anything to do with you. I've been shot, beaten up, kidnapped, hit over the head, belittled, criticized, all because of you. I've died because you were an asshole and wouldn't listen to me. I've had it, Jim. Enough is enough. No more! It ends today," Blair said with determination.

Turning around, he went to the chair that he had been sitting in only a few hours before and picked up his backpack. Shouldering it, he looked at Jim. Jim just glared at him. Nothing he had said was even heard by Jim. He sighed, shook his head and turned towards the door.

"Simon is waiting outside for me. I told him not to bother us. I needed to talk to you, but I can also see that it's pointless. Nothing I say is going to be heard. Joel will be here in a couple of hours to undo the handcuffs. I'm not stupid enough to try it on my own. Not after what happened earlier," Blair said with a grimace.

"Goodbye, Jim. I'm sorry things ended the way they did, and I'll miss you even though I know we weren't really friends. I really wish that we had been," Blair said sadly as he looked at the angry man on the bed.

Opening the door, Blair stepped out and with deep breath closed the door behind him and walked down the hall to the elevator. He was ready to begin his new life with Simon. It would be hard because he really would miss the Jim he had thought was his friend, but with Simon's support he could do it. With love, a lot can happen.

The End
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Unexpected Depths

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UNEXPECTED DEPTHS