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.Reno 9.2	By : keithcompany Category: M through R > Reno 911 Views: 1296 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Reno 911, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Reno 9.2
- 1
Disclaimer: This work is my own. Do not repost this story beyond the limits of the Fair Use standards of Copyright Law (quotes, examples, ‘you gotta read this’ excerpts, the usual).
The author is not making any kind of profit from this story.
This story contributes to the Featherstone cycle, which includes Therapy I and II, Reno 9.1, Pygmy and Pygmies, Reversal and Re-Reversal, Dolly and Dolled.
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Roll Call: Squad room
Dangle: Okay, people, let’s get started. You all remember Agent Leiter, of the CIA. He was with us a while back, part of the inter-agency effort to locate and arrest the very real ‘mad scientist’ (does the Eagle Claw thing with his hands) Doctor Featherstone.
Johnson: Which we did.
Williams: Which _I_ did.
Dangle: That’s very true, Raineesha. Your can of mace was the weapon that brought him down.
Junior: So, what, he’s shrinking people again?
Jones: When we were at OSI, getting unshrunk, I heard that –
Garcia: Why do you say unshrunk? Is that a word?
Jones: We were eight inches tall. They made us big again. What word would you use?
Garcia: Well, Featherstone shrunk us. You could say they restored us, or grew us, or something like that.
Wiegel: Yeah, unshrunk seems like an inelegant wording of a simple event.
Jones: Hey, Wiegel? Shut up.
Johnson: Yeah, anyone that wasn’t small enough to fit in a shoe box? No opinion on how simple the process was to ‘restore’ (eagle claws) us to our ‘unshrunk’ (eagle claws) status.
Dangle: People, people, people! Let’s get back on track here. Now. Agent Leiter is here to brief us on the status of Featherstone.
Williams: If it was up to me, you’d have shrunk him down to the size of a grasshopper and thrown him on an anthill.
Johnson: Red ants.
Williams: Nice. Nice touch.
Leiter: Well, that was a thought, actually. The director of the NSA wanted to have him kept in an ant farm in maximum security.
Junior: What kind of ants?
Leiter: I’m not sure if actual ants were envisioned in the plan?
Jones: What if he’d gotten out? Does the ACLU object to using Raid on escaped felons? ‘Cause that’s what I was saying earlier, I heard he keeps escaping.
Leiter: Exactly. Various contacts and clients of his contribute to his escapes. So the actual internment plan utilized was something different.
Johnson: Give him a scuba suit and throw him in with sea monkeys?
Leiter: No, we ended up using an idea from a former victim of his, and blew him up to thirty foot tall.
Garcia: Now THAT is a big anthill.
Leiter: The plan was that he’d be confined into a Titan missile silo, and if he escaped, he’d be easy to find.
Williams: Kind of hard to disappear into a crowd when you outweigh the crowd, isn’t it?
Wiegel: So, you locked a giant man in a Titan tube? Isn’t that a little ironic, even for the government?
Leiter: Uh, maybe. A little.
Dangle: So, how come you’re here, Agent Leiter? Did this plan work, or not?
Leiter: Well, the Doc has managed to escape again. He’s somewhere in the area and we wanted your people to be aware of it. And prepared in case he showed up in your jurisdiction.
Dangle: How long has he been loose?
Leiter: Uh, um, well, three days.
Jones: You’ve had a man the size of a first down on the loose for three days and haven’t found him?
Dangle: Surely you’re using satellites? Infra red?
Leiter: Yeah, but unless he’s standing next to another person, or something to provide the scale, then on the screen it just looks like a person in the desert. We’re checking out every hit, but we’re just turning up a lot of lost tourists, hermits,prospectors, extreme hikers, and a man scouting locations for the next ‘Survivor’ series.
Garcia: What, tropical islands getting too easy? Now they want a Nevada Desert?
Dangle: Okay, okay, let’s not go down that road again. We have a threat to the area, a possible felon on the loose in the county. Let’s get out there, find him, then we-.(turns to Leiter) What the hell would we do next?
Leiter: Well, once he’s in the city, we can find him on the screen.
Johnson: So, again, what do _WE_ do?
Leiter: I, uh…well, uh …keep… the area clear?
Williams: I’m going to need some more mace.
----
Squad Car, Garcia Driving, Jones Riding
Garcia: So, thirty foot tall, huh?
Jones: Yeah.
Garcia: That makes him, what, ten times the size of a normal man?
Jones: Um, no. No, Thirty divided by six is five. He’s five times the size of a normal man.
Garcia: Five?
Jones: Yeah. Yeah.
Garcia: So, that would make his Johnson about?
{Squad Car, Wiegel Driving, Johnson Riding}
Johnson: Thirty inches?
Wiegel: Let’s see, um, the average man in America is four inches-
Johnson: Not in my experience.
Wiegel: Well, I was talking the national average, which would be about 150 million men.
Johnson: So what are you saying?
Wiegel: Oh, I just figure your sample rate is going to have more data. The more measurements taken, the more accurate the conclusion.
Johnson: Are you saying....?
Wiegel: I’m just saying that on this topic, you really know what you’re talking about.
Johnson: Are you calling me a slut?
Wiegel: Noooooooooo.
Johnson: Good.
Wiegel: Not without a qualifier, anyway. Super slut, or macroslut, or ‘god-damn that woman is a slut.’ You know, far and above a simple ‘slut.’
----
In the squad room, Junior and Williams being interviewed
Junior: Yeah, I was shrunk down to eight inches before.
Williams: And I faced the Doc down when he was nine or ten times my normal size. So now, when he’s only six times normal size-
Junior: Five. Leiter says he’s five times normal.
Williams: Five? You sure?
Junior: Yeah. Yeah, he’s normally six feet tall.
Williams: Oh. He’s five times HIS normal size.
Junior: Yeah. And you know what they say, a man’s size isn’t important.
Williams: Travis, shut up before you embarrass yourself.
-----
Squad Car, Garcia and Jones
Garcia: What’s that?
Jones: Looks like an accident. (Takes radio as Garcia pulls over) Central, this is Jones. We have an accident on Fourth and… Hey, it’s one of our cars!
----
Johnson, Garcia and Jones are standing beside a sheriff’s department car that’s wrapped around a telephone pole. Trudy crouches at the sidewalk, holding her head.
Johnson: Well, she was talking, you know how she gets.
Garcia: Yeah.
Johnson: And I was about this close to pulling out my gun.
Jones: Yeah. Yeah.
Johnson: Then, suddenly, she realizes she said something really stupid and offensive.
Garcia: She realized it?
Johnson: Yeah, and she felt guilty about it and started beating her head against the steering wheel.
Jones: So, overcome by a fit of remorse, she tried to punish herself.
Johnson: Yeah. I was just so surprised about it.
Garcia: You know, your knuckles are bloody.
Johnson: Well, before she wrecked us, I tried to stop her from hurting herself.
Jones: By placing your fist between her face and the steering wheel?
Johnson: Exactly. And then she hit the telephone pole.
Garcia: You know, Wiegel has done this exact same thing before.
Jones: Really? When?
Garcia: The very last time she rode with me.
Jones: The last time.
Garcia: The very last time.
----
In a Home Depot, Williams wheels in a dolly with a barrel on it, calling for some help.
Clerk: Yes? Can I help you?
Williams: I hope so. I have this barrel, and need a method of distributing the contents.
Clerk: You mean, like a seed broadcaster?
Williams: Raineesha does NOT want to get in trouble with the FCC.
Clerk: Oh, no, no, it’s for spreading seeds around. Casting. Casting them broadly, as it were.
Williams: Oh. Like casting bread upon the waters?
Clerk: Why would you want to do that?
Williams: Never mind. I want to spray this fluid.
Clerk: What is it?
Williams: Mace.
Clerk: And, uh, how much do you want to come out at once?
Williams: I’m thinking somewhere in the range between 99 and 100 percent. And I need to get it at least thirty feet up.
Clerk: Oh. Well, let’s check the riot control aisle.
Williams: That sounds good.
----
Wiegel (with a neck brace) is riding and Dangle driving.
Wiegel: We were having a talk, and then I was bleeding on the sidewalk.
Dangle: And as usual, you don’t remember what you or Clementine was saying right before you had the accident.
Wiegel: No, not at all. OH! There he is!
Dangle: Where?
Wiegel: In front of that gas station! Doctor Featherstone, big as life!
Dangle: Trudy, that’s a fiberglass statue. He’s a muffler man. They’re all over the country.
Wiegel: NO, look, he’s just standing really, really still!
Dangle: (leans over to point) No, see, his skin is exactly as shiny as his shirt? And up there, his-
Wiegel: (pointing ahead) Watch out for the-(view lost in ballooning safety bags)
Wiegel: (somewhere out of sight) Okay, now THIS I remember.
----
Jones and Garcia stand on a sidewalk in front of a Muffler Man statue.
Garcia: (into radio) Agent Leiter, we’re at the Tire and Auto.
----
Leiter (in squad room): Well, we were getting about three calls an hour, after the news leak about the giant man on the loose, all connected to either a billboard, or a statue or something like that. So I ordered a survey of anything that could be confused for our convict. (points to map of city with little flags sticking out of it)
----
Back to Jones and Garcia at the Tire and Auto shop.
Garcia: Sir?
Mechanic: What?
Garcia: Sir, we’re having a bit of a state of emergency right now. We were wondering if we could talk you into taking your advertising down for a day or two.
Mechanic: What? Why? (he steps inside, they follow, new angle shows the fiberglass giant outside the window)
Jones: Just so people don’t get confused.
Mechanic: Did Dobbs ask you to do this?
Garcia: We, no, we don’t know any Dobbs, sir. We just want your big display taken down.
Mechanic: Do you have any idea how much of my business is from walk-ins? If I don’t advertise, I don’t eat. And Dobbs gets all my business.
Jones: No, sir, we don’t want you to take all your signs down, just the giant man.
Mechanic: What giant man?
(Behind them, the figure kicks the squad car and takes off running down the street.)
Garcia: The big muffler man…(points, sees the felon)…Holy Bleep! It’s him!
-----
Leiter in squad room
Jones (on radio): …last seen running south on Beechwood, from the corner of Beechwood and Ellis.
Leiter (runs finger on map, finds a flag): Deputy, be advised you’re in pursuit of an advertising gimmick.
Jones (on radio): Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! You Bleep! Bleep! the time! Bleep! Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
----
Junior and Williams approach a delivery van laying on its side in the road, back door torn off.
Junior: Sir, can you tell me what happened?
Driver: I don’t know, really. I was driving along and I saw this giant foot out of the corner of my eye.
Williams: A giant foot? How giant? Like, do you mean a size thirteen? Or a thirty?
Driver: I’d estimate that the limb was, in all respects, approximately six times the normal size of a six-foot tall man.
Junior: Sure it wasn’t five times normal? ‘Cause we may have two suspects, then.
Williams: What, you mean the OTHER giant escaped felon?
Junior: Well, if he’s right, and THIS guy was six times normal, that’s 36 feet.
Driver: Can you take prints?
Williams: Off of what?
Driver: The doors. He ripped them off and stole all my load!
Williams: What were you hauling?
Driver: Beef.
Junior: So, now the question is?
Williams: Don’t you say it!
Junior: Where’s the beef?
----
(Leiter in squad room with Dangle)
Leiter: I suppose we should have expected this.
Dangle: Yes. There just aren’t many places a man that large can get decent service. Not in Reno, anyway.
Leiter: I wonder if we can use this? Set up a trap, some way?
Dangle: That’s not really necessary, Agent Leiter. If he keeps this up, he’s going to pick a truck that’s hauling something that isn’t exactly what the sign on the side would indicate.
Leiter: Like what?
Dangle: Like, he’s going to end up with a handful of migrant workers, or fireworks or…
----
Jones and Garcia approach a delivery van ripped in half and on both sides of the road. Two hippy-looking individuals lean against one half.
Garcia: How did you two manage to do this?
Hippy1: Man, I know how it looks, but I did NOT do this. I was straight, man. And this man, this giant man?
Hippy2: A giant, man.
Hippy1: Yeah, a giant man, man. He grabbed the car and ripped it open and ate our whole load in like two bites, man.
Garcia: Your whole load.
Jones (climbing up on wreckage to read the side of the truck): Your whole load of…herbs?
Hippy2: Herb products, man. For cooking.
Hippy1: And glaucoma.
Garcia: Basil helps with your glaucoma?
Hippy2: Some highly promising experiments suggest?
Jones: Look, we want the giant man more than we want you guys. Just tell us what he got. And ate.
Hippy1: Uh…about six kilos of weed.
Garcia (on radio): Hey, dispatch? We got a probable giant case of the munchies. Can you tell me the nearest candy store to my location?
---
(Junior and Williams walk into a Krispy Kreme. Shattered glass covers the floor.)
Williams: Where is he?
Counterman: He came busting in here, I mean literally busting in here! (waves to gesture at all the glass)
Junior: Yes, sir. Then what?
Counterman: Well, he ate every single donut in the place. Then he wanted more.
Williams: What happened then?
Counterman: I said the dough had to rise. He said he’d wait.
Junior: Wait?
Counterman: Yeah, he’s out back.
------
(Curled up in the parking lot, Featherstone sleeps it off. He has a Frederick’s of Hollywood mannequin cuddled close as a doll.)
Counterman: He’s been snoring back here for half an hour.
Junior: He looks so…so peaceful.
Williams: Yep. (turns away) I’m going to get my mace.
Junior: Mace? What about all those water balloons in the trunk.
Williams: Those aren’t water. Those are full of mace.
Junior: Really? How many you think we can get in his mouth before he wakes up?
----
(Outside Sheriff’s office, Leiter and Dangle shake hands.)
Leiter: Well, Lieutenant, Uncle Sam thanks you and your people for more outstanding work.
Dangle: And we thank you for another outstanding chapter for our memoirs.
(Leiter turns to a flatbed truck, climbs up into cab. A large tarp covers a humanoid figure on the truck.)
Leiter: Okay, let’s move it out.
(Truck pulls out, cop cars as escort in front and behind. Behind last car, a fire truck follows. Williams stands on top of the truck, manning a large hose. She waves at Dangle as they pass.)
Dangle: Raineesha! Don’t mace anyone! That stuff’s for escape attempts, ONLY!
(Johnson steps up beside Dangle as the convoy drives out of sight)
Johnson: She’s gonna spray hitchhikers, isn’t she?
Dangle: Yeah. Wouldn’t you?
Johnson: I think I’d be spraying motorcyclists that pass on the right.
Dangle: Well, that’d be good, too..
The end....
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.Reno 9.2