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4 Different ways Rodney goes nuts (Humor)	By : LadyyLux Category: Stargate: SG-1 > Stargate Atlantis Views: 2471 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-4 Different ways Rodney goes nuts (Humor)
- 1
Title: 4 Different ways
Rodney goes nuts (and three of them are John's fault)

Author: Luxuria_Oceanus (LJ)

Disclaimer: I don't own SGA or any of the characters in it or else I'd
be too busy turning what I write into my own personal reality.

Rating: NC-17

Genre: Humor and Smut

Pairing: McShep (Slash)

Word count: 2840 (According to MW)

Time line: Could be set some time after Season 3. Spoilers for S3's
episode "Sunday" (I know why) and a tiny character spoiler
for Season 4

A/N: This was recently posted in my livejournal,
so I wanted to see if I gave a AFF.net account a try. This
is unbeta'd, so I hope I didn't put too many grammar mistakes (I did re-read it
like 5 times) and I can actually say I did good on humor, at least. The smut? I don't know. My first time writing slash, we'll
see!
1 - When people who are supposed to be dead don't
STAY dead

Rodney stares at the image before him, eyes as wide as crystals and skin as
pale as the dead. Unlike the person who's supposed to be dead.

Carson Beckett stands in front of him, in the dark cell, waiting for the moment
that Rodney explodes.

"You're supposed to be dead," Rodney squeaks.

Carson sighs,
his eyebrows raised as he awaits to see if his dear
friend has any more squeaks to let out, "Aye, Rodney, but I'm not."

"No, no, you are. I saw you. You're dead. We had a funeral-"

"-Rodney-"

"-You were in the casket-"

"-RODNEY-"

"-We took you to Earth-"

Carson watches his friend pace back and forth in the small cell, muttering all
the impossibilities of the situation and he finally gives up trying to make him
shut up. He just hopes whoever is going to rescue Rodney doesn't have the same
screw loose.

Suddenly, Rodney stops in front of him, his finger pointed directly at Carson's nose while he
keeps his lips pursed, "Hallucination! That's it! My oh-so
brilliant mind trying to keep me sane and alive by hallucinating while Sheppard
figures out a way to get me out of here."

"Rodney, no offense, but don't you think hallucinations are more
likely signs of an unhealthy mind?" Carson
asks, leaning his back on the wall.

Rodney steps back in horror, "You're right. You can't be a hallucination,
why would I be hallucinating you?"

"Oh, gee, thanks," Carson
barks at the comment as his friend continues to pace back and forth.

"Sorry, but the last hallucination had more appeal."

"Rodney, I am not a hallucination! Now stop thinking so loud, you're
giving me a headache," Carson
groans, pressing his hand over his forehead.

Rodney stops pacing to look at Carson, a face convinced of the fact that Carson
is more than just a ghost/hallucination, he adds the term 'insane' to the
equation.

"What? You're hearing my thoughts now? Very appropriate for a
hallucination," Rodney mocks, his voice a little
frantic.

Carson walks up
to Rodney, who moves back instinctively until his back meets the wall, and
pinches him.

"OW! What'd you do that FOR!?" Rodney yells, grabbing his arm.

"I am NOT a hallucination! You don't think I'd tell you if I was?"

Rodney doesn't even think about it as he keeps holding on to his arm,
"No!"

Carson groans
in defeat, "For God's sake Rodney, would you please believe me?"

"Maybe, if you start by telling me how you're alive, Mr. not a hallucination," Rodney mocks.

"I," Carson sighs, "I don't know."

"HA!"

Carson gives
him a glare and scoffs, "If you want to talk about impossibilities, let's
not exclude the image of a naked Colonel Sheppard popping into your head every
so often!"

Rodney's eyes widen, since it is true that he does think of John whenever
impending doom is close by, and he squeaks again, "You *are* my
hallucination!"

2 - When sexual frustration reaches it's peak and
it's all John's fault, really.

Sexual frustration is not Rodney's friend. Not that Rodney
couldn't get any. He got some. A lot. From his hand, in particular. His hand is his friend. His
very dear friend, but Rodney's hand wants something else to grab, or rather,
someone else.

John Sheppard.

At first the good Colonel just gave Rodney a good reason to do hand exercises,
but now Rodney's going mad. Sexually insane, and it's all John's fault.

John, who keeps hooking up with every female alien who bats her eyelashes at
him thanks to his little Captain Kirk complex.

John, who keeps giving him that little dimpled grin that just makes Rodney want
to do all sorts of things to him that haven't even been invented yet.

John, who keeps training with Ronon, sweating,
groaning, yelling... and THAT's what made him reach
the peak of his insanity.

What used to be night dreams of John Sheppard blowing him has
become night dreams of John Sheppard being fucked by Ronon
Dex.

Is every existent galaxy mocking him? Torturing him? For
being smarter than everyone else?

He needs sex. He needs John. If they have any intention of him saving any more
lives or keeping Atlantis in one piece, they'd give him John Sheppard, on a
silver platter, gay or not gay.

"Rodney," a voice asks.

Rodney's head suddenly jumps up to realize he's in a meeting with Sam Carter, Teyla, Ronon and John. He looks
around blankly, still a little dazed by his previous thoughts.

Sam had been the one to call him. "Hmm," he asks, pretending to play
it cool.

"I asked you what you thought about P90-SR00's technology?"

"It's good," he states, his mind completely wiped clean of any
technological knowledge and busy with the 'other' thoughts.

"Good? McKay, you okay," John noticed something was wrong with Rodney
as soon as the word good left his mouth. He knows Rodney well enough to know
that isn't his real answer. He'd say something like, 'Cavemans
would point their fingers and laugh,' about the planet's technology.

Rodney meets John's eyes and is instantly reminded of the dream where Ronon fucks John's mouth mercilessly.

Rodney stands up in alarm, looks down at Teyla who is
sitting next to him and grabs her mouth, kissing her fiercely for 2 good
seconds before stopping.

"HA!" He yells, pointing a finger at John.

He looks around in horror realizing what he has just done and how everyone is
looking at him, especially Teyla who seems torn
between hurting him or checking to see if he's okay.

"I'm going to go see Dr. Heightmeyer."

And without a second thought, he leaves, with the full intention of telling Dr.
Heightmeyer of how John Sheppard is screwing with his
mental health.

3 - When one of Rodney's 'red' movies goes missing
and it's John's fault, again!

Rodney McKay is in his room, sitting on the bed with the laptop on his lap. A
few moments ago he'd been at the lab when John had popped in and Rodney just
had to leave.

He still hadn't forgiven the Colonel for letting him get a bullet in his butt.

"C'mon, Rodney, bullet wounds are manly."

"Yeah, right, a few inches to the left and I would've lost my MANhood!"

Although, Rodney still doesn't hate the good Colonel. Nope, the man can get him
shot in all the body parts Rodney has available and he would still want him.

Rodney hears a knock on his door. He groans as he stops his valuable work
consisting of ways to try to conserve ZPM energy, "Someone better be about
to die!"

"Dr. McKay? It's Major Lorne."

Rodney cocks an eyebrow in wonder as he mouths, 'Lorne?'

He gets up from his bed to open the door and sees Major Lorne, looking as good
as ever in his uniform, but not quite as good as John. But John isn't there.

"Hey, Colonel Sheppard told me you have a stack of movies, I was wondering
if maybe I could borrow one?"

Rodney rolls his eyes, "Oh he did, did he? Okay, red or blue?"

Lorne stares at him blankly, "Uh, what?"

Okay, so John didn't tell him about those movies. Rodney does have a
stack of movies, most of them bootlegged copies that he stores in alphabetical
order in little paper CD cases (like envelopes, but a nicer fit). The blue ones
are all kinds of movies, but the red ones are just pure porn.

"Never mind," he says with a wave of his hand as he invites Lorne in,
who just shrugs as he watches Rodney crouch down in front of a book case full
of DVDs, "Which one do you want?"

"Do you have 'The Notebook'?"

Rodney looks up at Lorne in horror.

"What? Hey, you'd be surprised what that movie does to women," Lorne
says with a shrug.

"I'm slightly less curious about what it does for you. Nope, don't have
it, but I could get it for you on a later date. Anything else
in mind?"

"Got anything that guarantees a lay?"

"I'm surprised you need a movie to help you with that," Rodney
snorts.

"Hey, it's Cadman, she's not easy to break," Lorne whines.

The corners of Rodney's mouth turns up as he grabs a DVD and hands it to Lorne.

"Splendor," Lorne asks, curiously.

"Trust me, that'll work," Rodney insists, looking over his stack and
he notices there's a gap in his red stack, letter R. He figures he probably
left it at the lab and everyone there knows not to touch anything of his.

"O-kay. Well, hey, are
you heading to the lounge? I heard John was going to put 'Robin Hood' for Teyla and Ronon to watch."

Rodney stands up, "No, I have to-" Suddenly he stops, his face
freezing into the 'Oh-my-God' expression as he kneels down in front of the book
case. He doesn't have the movie "Robin Hood" and while it's possible
someone who isn't him has it, he doubts it's a coincidence that the missing
porn movie starts with an R, that he does remember having titled 'Robin Hood'
since it involves a lot of men in tights and a 'Cockwood Forest'

"Oh my GOD!"

He doesn't even look behind him to see if Lorne is following him, but once he
stands a few feet outside the lounge, he doesn't have to because Lorne is
standing behind him trying to see what apocalyptic event has Rodney sweating
now.

Rodney doesn't need to have telescopic vision to see that what the team is
watching is definitely not Kevin Costner or Cary Elwes.

"Whoa, that's," Lorne tilts his head to the side,
"Interesting."

Rodney covers his face with his palms as he groans. He's going to kill him. Definitely going to kill John Sheppard.

Somehow. Someway. Someday.

He looks through his fingers to scan the room again. Ronon
doesn't look that disturbed, Teyla's head is tilted
(probably trying to figure out how three man can do THAT), and oh GOD, even Sam
is there, her eyes a little wider than Rodney would like.

Great, now everyone in Atlantis would officially know he was gay. Well, the
only 10% that don't already know.

And John... John's looking at Rodney! His hand over
his mouth and Rodney doesn't need him to lower his hand to know John's smiling.

"If anyone asks, I'm in Dr. Heightmeyer's
office," he groans, and thinks silently, 'Contemplating on suicide or
homicide.'

4 - When Cadman gives John some of her 'toys' and
Rodney becomes the Colonel's own personal playground.

Rodney's lying on the bed naked, hands above his head, handcuffed in pink fuzzy
cuffs and John made sure to have the chain tied to something so that Rodney
didn't try to move his arms. His legs were separated too and tied to the feet
of the bed with sheets because the cuffs wouldn't reach that far.

"Hmmm," he hears John say, but doesn't see him, thanks to Cadman's
padded leather blindfold. Rodney is officially convinced, the woman's a freak.

"What," asks Rodney, trying to keep his panic in check.

"Just reading," John says, as he sits naked on the floor, a black
trash bag on the floor next to him as he reads the label on a very peculiar
box.

"Oh, okay, so I'll just lie here fucking the air while you READ,"
Rodney barks.

"Patience, McKay, all comes to those who wait," John says with
a dimpled grin that Rodney doesn't have to see to know it's there.

"Well, I'm sorry if my butt's freezing from all the
patient lying," Rodney mutters.

"I think I found something to warm it up," John says, finally
kneeling on the bed, in between Rodney's openly stretched legs.

"What," Rodney asks and it makes him hate the fact he let John talk
him into wearing a blindfold. Whips, paddles, chains, handcuffs; that he can
do, but not being able to see what his lover's planning... that, he's
beginning to have trouble with.

John opens the box as he reads, "Domestic Partner Ass Force One. Domestic
Partner Army, Navy and Air Force dildos have been designed with anal pleasure
in mind and are guaranteed to please even the most hard-core butts."

Rodney swallows hard, "My ass is hard core?"

John's smile widens as he applies some lube to the plug, "Take it from
someone's who's been there buddy, your ass is very hard core."

"Hmmm," Rodney smiles and then moans when he feels John push the butt
plug into his ass, "Ohhh."

John smiles as he watches Rodney's cock shoot a little bit of precum, so he bends down to lick the head. He moves back
when Rodney tries to thrust his cock into John's mouth.

"Now, what'd I say about patience Rodney?"

"That it's not your friend," Rodney asks, almost pleading.

"Okidoky." John
leans forward again, but this time keeps one hand over Rodney's stomach to keep
him down while his other hand works on Rodney's new butt friend.

Rodney's breathing is hitched, hard, as he feels John's tongue trail a perfect
line on the base of his cock. He moans even louder when John takes him in, not
completely, but far enough and the butt plug isn't making things easy for him.

Rodney's moans soon become whimpers as he tries to push his hips up, his cock
into John's mouth, but John has a very firm hand on Rodney's stomach, letting
his mouth do with Rodney what it does oh so very well.

"John," Rodney croaks, and John knows what this means, so he pulls
out the butt plug and gives Rodney's cock a few more licks before stopping,
"John?"

John smiles, as he (unlike Rodney) has full control of his hard on and intends
to make sure Rodney doesn't come without him. He moves onto Rodney's chest,
teasing his nipples with his fingers before he lets his tongue do circles
around them.

"Do you get some twisted sick pleasure out of getting my balls blue,"
Rodney hisses.

"Me? No," John says, giving a mock tone of amazement to his
confession before he bites into Rodney's nipple lightly.

"Oh, that's going to leave a bruise," Rodney moans.

"I know," John admits, giving it a little wet kiss before moving onto
the one place he was intending to go to all along, Rodney's lips.

The kiss is hungry, angry and that's why John likes to build him up. Teasing
Rodney turns him into the perfect kisser, desperate and hungry, sucking and
biting, all the things that should always be included in a kiss.

John lets his cock rub itself against Rodney's, making the man whimper inside
John's mouth.

"I'm going to fuck you now, Rodney," John whispers low into his ear.

Rodney groans, "Took you long enough."

John moves back to untie Rodney's legs, and he almost considers untying his
arms, but he decides not to. He grabs the lube again, giving his cock a good
coat before pressing the tip over Rodney's ass hole. He leaves some in his
hand, knowing he plans to use it once he's in.

He puts his arms under Rodney's legs, lifting him for easy entry and then
pushes himself fully with one solid thrust. He sees Rodney biting his lower lip
and he knows it must've taken the man's whole strength not to have cum right
then and there.

He keeps his thrusts slow and steady, feeling Rodney's walls tightening around
his cock, forcing him to reach his orgasm faster and it makes him wonder if Rodney's
doing it on purpose.

He turns Rodney on his side, so that he's sitting on one of Rodney's leg while
holding the other open with one arm, still thrusting in and out, and Rodney's
moaning his name now with a very fervent need.

His moans are all John needs to come and he knows Rodney's already about to
blow so he takes his free hand, the one he had made sure to keep coated with
lube, and starts stroking Rodney while fucking him.

"John- I don't think I'm going to last," Rodney moans, "If you
keep doing that."

"That's the point," John says picking up the pace.

That's all Rodney needs to hear when he comes in the Colonel's hand and after 3
swift thrusts, John joins him, his cum spilling out of Rodney's ass. They take
a moment to actually breathe before John even moves.

He reaches for a towel they had laid out on the floor and cleans up the mess he
made in Rodney's ass before he cleans his own hand and reaches to pull off
Rodney's blindfold.

"Cadman is a very good woman," Rodney chokes. John grins, leaning on
his side next to Rodney, his hand on Rodney's stomach.

"She is special," John admits.

"John," Rodney asks, "The cuffs?"

"What about them," John asks.

"I'm still in them," Rodney notes, turning and lifting his head to
look at John.

"So," John asks teasingly.

"I thought- Didn't we- I mean, aren't we-"

"Done? No, there's still a few boxes left to
open. I kind of liked the sound of the Domestic Partner Dildo Detonator,"
he says with a very cocky grin.

Rodney groans as he lets his head hit the pillow and closes his eyes, "I'm
going to kill Cadman."
- 1
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4 Different ways Rodney goes nuts (Humor)