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Early Morning Thoughts & Loving	By : Forever Category: M through R > Queer As Folk Views: 1190 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Queer As Folk, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Early Morning Thoughts & Loving
- 1
EARLY MORNING THOUGHTS AND LOVING

I reach over to brush a lock of hair out of Michael�s eyes as he slept. He moved and I stopped, not wanting to wake him but he just sighed softly and snuggled deeper into the bed.
I looked at the clock - 2.00am. I�ve been waking up a lot during the night recently, for no apparent reason. Sometimes for 5 minutes, other times, on nights like this, an hour has passed without me being aware of it.
I watch Michael and see a smile twitch at his lips and I wonder what he is dreaming. I�m pleased that whatever it is makes him smile in his sleep. His waking hours are filled with enough dark thoughts and I hate the thought that these might be intruding into his sleeping hours.
I move slightly to get more comfortable, knowing that sleep is going to elude for me for some time yet. My movements must have disturbed Michael as his eyelids flutter slightly and I watch as his hand reaches out looking for mine. I let him find it and hear a contented sigh escape from him as he lets sleep overcome him once again.
That lock of dark hair falls over his face again and I restrain myself from reaching out and pushing it back off his face. I study his sleeping form; watching the rise and fall of his chest and I think how lucky I am to have this man as my husband. I know I have a silly grin on my face when I say those words, I just can�t help it. It is something that I never thought would happen - that I would find someone who was prepared to commit to me like this; to enter into a relationship where the future is uncertain. Michael was. I remember back 4 years ago when he said the words that I had been longing to hear from him "I am sure".
He said them with such certainty, no hesitation in his voice and the love that shone from his eyes left me in no doubt that this was the man I was destined to spend the rest of my life with.
�The rest of my life�- usually when those words come into my head I push them away. I do what I am always telling Michael to do, to �live in the now�. But perhaps because I know sleep will be a long time coming I allow myself the luxury of letting the thoughts linger.
I let myself imagine what Michael will be like in 20 years. I know there will some grey in his dark hair, there will be wrinkles around those beautiful brown eyes, but I also know that he will still have that childlike innocence about him. It was what drew me to him in the first place. People think that it is naivety, but if that is what it ever was, he lost it when he made the decision to become my lover.
There were too many daily reminders for it to last long. I remember how his eyes would darken every time I coughed or sneezed. The way they clouded over every morning when he opened the medicine cabinet and was confronted by row after row of pill bottles that I needed to help keep myself alive. I decided one day to remove them, to hide them away - so it was one less thing for him to worry about. But he must have searched them out because the next morning they were back. It was as if he was telling me that they were part of me and that he accepted this and there was no reason to hide them away. That action of his said more to me of the love and commitment that he had made to me than words ever could.
I know he still worries about me, but he has gotten better at hiding it over the years.
I feel the bed move as Michael kicks the blanket off, exposing more of his body to me. He reaches up and pushes that lock of hair that has been tempting me for so long off his face and his hand lets go of mine, but only for a moment, until he finds a more comfortable position and then his grip tightens again.
I desperately want to wake him, to make love to him - but I need to clear my head first. He can read me so well. Sometimes it scares me; the way he can look into my eyes and know exactly what my thoughts are.
He always knows when something is worrying me. Sometimes it is something minor, like when my writing isn�t going as planned. He never says anything; he just waits until I am ready to talk to him about it. He knows that I eventually will and that we will discuss what�s bothering me about it.
I listen to his thoughts, about how it could read better. I remember back to a time when I showed him something I had written and his answer was not what I had wanted to hear. I accused him of �not having a literary background�. The hurt in his eyes when I said those words hit me hard but I could not take them back. They hung between us for days. I think he knew it was not him that I was angry at; that rejection after rejection of my novel made me say those hurtful words. I know now that, although he does not have the education that I have, that he can see things more clearly than I - that what I have captured in 1000 words, he can simplify and say so much better in just a few.
It is good that we can talk now about what is bothering us. Some things I still try to keep to myself, mainly about my health but he knows when I�m concerned; when a cold I have is not clearing up as fast as it should, leaving me with nagging doubts.
I can feel his eyes on me, following me all the time. I don�t even think he is aware he is doing this. It drives me nuts sometimes but I know it is his way of coping so I try to ignore it. This constant struggle to stay healthy wears me out some days; endless sessions at the gym leave me exhausted but I know he will be there when I get home - with that smile that lights up my life, his arms ready to hold me when it all gets too much. He makes love to me at those times so gently and tenderly that it brings tears to my eyes. He is the one constant in my life. My health may go up and down; my moods vary sometimes and become dark but he is always there and for that I give thanks daily.
There is one thought that I keep buried away so deeply that, even with that uncanny ability he has to read me, he cannot find it. I let that thought come into my head, knowing he is sleeping soundly, knowing he will not waken and see it in my eyes.
I worry about how he will cope when I am gone. I know he will put on a brave face to the world, convince everyone that he is doing fine. He will continue to run his store and be there for Hunter. But I also know that once he thinks Hunter has grown up and no longer needs him that he will give up on life and love. I�ve tried to talk to him about life after I�ve gone but he shuts down and won�t listen to me. I�ve told him to find someone else to love, not to cling onto the past; that he deserves happiness but he just walks away from me, shuts himself in our room - sometimes for hours on end.
When he finally emerges, he is quiet and I can tell that he has been crying. I leave him to his own thoughts knowing that eventually he will come back to me. Our lovemaking after times like these is desperate in its intent; it can go on for hours, leaving us both exhausted physically and mentally.
I shiver slightly, not sure if it is from the chill of the early morning air or the thoughts that are filling my mind. I run my hand over my eyes and I am surprised to find my face wet.
Michael moves beside me, turning to face me and I reach down and run my fingers down his cheek. He doesn�t waken so I bend down and run my tongue over his lips. I hear a soft sigh from him and his eyes open, still unfocused from sleep and then the light that always appears when he looks at me comes into them. He brings his hands up, cupping my face and looks deeply into my eyes, trying to read my thoughts. Whatever he saw there must have satisfied him as I felt his body relax.
I leaned in and began to kiss him deeply, letting my tongue explore his mouth. His soft moans echoed through my mouth and went all the way to my rock hard dick. I felt him lift his hands and run his fingers through my hair, pulling me closer. I pushed him onto his back and pinned his arms to his sides and began kissing down his neck, nipping at it, leaving my mark on his pale skin. I kissed my way down his chest until I reached his nipples. I took one into my mouth and nibbled and bit at it, making it rock hard before moving onto the other. I could hear his moans get louder as he tried to free himself from my grasp.
I let go of his arms and worked my way further down his body, kissing and licking and tasting every part of him - watching as the sweat began to glisten on his skin in the soft morning light.
I reached his cock and ran my tongue over the head, tasting the pre-cum that had gathered there before taking his balls into my mouth and sucking on them slowly. I felt the bed move as he sat up, his hands reaching out for me and I felt his fingers digging into my shoulders as I continued to lavish attention on his balls. I began kissing and licking along the length of his cock before taking it into my mouth and sucking on it deeply.

His moans have now turned to gasps; his fingers digging harder and harder into my flesh as I take him deeper and deeper into my mouth, hollowing out my cheeks and I heard him scream out my name as he came, shooting load after load of cum into my mouth. I held him tightly, keeping his cock in my mouth - wanting to taste every bit of him.
I felt his body begin to relax as I crawled up the bed and looked down at him. His eyes are glazed and he is making those noises in his throat that drive me wild. I move on top of him, his still sweat covered body against every part of mine and I rub myself against him and feel his cock spring back to life.
I watch as his eyes open and the lust that is in them takes my breath away. I cover his mouth with mine, exploring it with my tongue and I sense rather than hear his whimpers and know I have to take him now.
I sit up and push him onto his stomach more roughly than I intended and heard his surprised cry. I begin to kiss down his spine at the same time running my hands over his delicious body. I reach his ass and part his cheeks slightly and run my tongue up his crack and he almost jumps off the bed.
I give him a nudge and he scoots up onto his knees, his hands reaching for the headboard as I grab the lube and squeeze some onto my fingers. I guide a finger into him and he turns his head, his eyes pleading with me for more. I enter another, and then a third; opening him up more and more, I see his knuckles are white as he grips the headboard tighter, pushing himself back onto my fingers and I know he is ready for me.
I withdraw my fingers, holding onto him to stop him falling forward. I reach for a condom, ripping the packet open with my teeth, and roll it onto my throbbing cock. I pull him to me and guide myself into him. I hear him wince from the initial pain and then feel his body relax against mine. I run my hands down his chest, pinching gently his already rock hard nipples, then further down until I reach his cock. I run my thumb over the head, which is already oozing pre-cum before taking it into my hand and squeezing it gently.
He reaches around; threading his fingers through my hair and pulls me to him. He nibbles and bites gently on my lips then forces my mouth open, sucking my tongue into his and begins to slowly fuck my mouth with his. I stop moving and grab his hips to stop myself from falling as he continues to work his magic on my mouth, bringing me closer and closer to losing all control.
Our mouths part and we both groan loudly from the loss of contact. I turn my attention back to his cock, running my hand slowly up and down the shaft and am rewarded by the moans of pleasure coming from him. He brings his hands around and grabs hold of my hips, trying to push me deeper and deeper into him and I pick up my pace, managing to hit his prostate time after time, while continuing to pump his cock in rhythm with my thrusts.
In a distant part of my mind I hear him yelling my name, telling me to go harder, faster as I continue to ram into him, bringing us closer and closer. Then it happens, we come together, his warm cum shooting over my hand as I explode safely into the latex protection.
We collapse onto the bed; my body wrapped around his, holding him tight until I feel him relax and my own body stops trembling. I remove the condom and throw it into the bin and lie on my back and he snuggles up to me, his head resting on my chest in a way that belongs only to him.
I wrap my arms around him, holding him close and I listen as his breathing eventually becomes slow and steady, until I know once again he is asleep.
I wanted to tell him of the thoughts that were in my head as I watched him sleep but I know I won�t. He sees me as this strong and capable man, someone who can handle whatever life throws my way and I don�t want to dash that illusion for him. But I know that he is so much stronger than I will ever be.
He let me into his heart, and his life and I don�t think anyone knows just how much courage it took for him to do that. I would like to tell him of the times - when he thinks that I am teaching - that I am actually sitting somewhere quietly, lost in my own thoughts, reliving every moment we have spent together.
He doesn�t need to hear of my self-doubts and insecurities; how not knowing how much time we have together, can bring me to tears. The way every morning when I waken, I say a silent prayer for being alive and knowing I will have another day with him; to be able to add to the vault of precious memories that I keep in my head.
All he really needs to know is that I love him more than life itself. I will love him until my last breath leaves my body and beyond even that.
I reach for his hand and wrap my fingers in his and close my eyes; my last thought before I let sleep overtake is me is that I have loved and have been loved more in the years we have had together than most people could achieve in a lifetime and for that I will always give thanks and be eternally grateful.
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Early Morning Thoughts & Loving