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The Wrath of Caligula	By : hatochiisai Category: 1 through F > Criminal Minds Views: 3104 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, nor do I make any financial profit off of writing and posting this work.

Chapter List
- 1-The Wrath of Caligula
- 1
Quantico, Virginia
December 23rd
3:42 PM

"Aaron?" Spencer Reid called across the house. "Have you seen the cat?"
"Which one?" Hotch called back from the study.
"Kamikaze." Reid answered. Hotch scowled at the mere mention of that cat's name.
"No, Spence, I haven't. I try to avoid him, in case you haven't noticed."
"Great…" He heard Reid grump from the other room. A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door. "Got it!" Reid called, and hurried to the door. Hotch listened to it open.
"Alice!" He heard Reid greet their neighbor down the street. "You found Kaze!"
"YOUR CAT!" The woman snapped, venom in her tone. Hotch looked up, now paying close attention, and so was Blitz, Reid's German Shepherd, who was laying beside Hotch's desk. "You… your CAT!" She seethed, and Hotch watched as Reid backed passed the door of the study, the ginger cat in his arms, with wide eyes. Alice pursued him, her finger under Reid's nose. "Was in my yard DOING MY CAT!"
"Wait… what?" Reid asked, looking confused.
"That damn cat of yours mated with my cat!"
"… She's… not spayed yet?" Reid asked faintly.
"NO! Why isn't YOUR cat NEUTERED?!"
"He has an appointment to go in for it in a few days!" Reid cried, looking half panicked. He dropped the cat, who streaked up the stairs to hide in the bedroom.
"Well, in a couple of MONTHS, my cat will be having KITTENS!" Alice howled.
"You can… just get her spayed. As soon as possible. Then she—"
"I can't abort her kittens!" Alice cried, now sounding horrified.
"Alice, I'm sorry!" Reid insisted. "I didn't even know he had gotten out!"
"My poor Olive is only nine months old!" Alice cried. "She's too YOUNG to be a mother!"
"Alice, she'll be fine." Reid soothed. "Just… switch her over to kitten food until—"
"I never had a chance to switch her OFF of kitten food!"
"Alice, I am SO sorry!"
"I hope you're going to help pay for her care, and the kittens' care… Don't MAKE me sue you for Child Support!"
"… What?" Hotch blurted, finally standing and walking into the foyer, Blitz following. Alice turned and looked up at the man.
"HIS cat knocked up my cat." Alice said firmly, pointing at Reid. "As his cat is the father, HE is responsible to help care for these kittens."
"Are we seriously talking about Paternal Responsibility and Child Support for CATS?" Everyone turned and looked at the small woman in the front door, which was still wide open.
"Good afternoon, Samira." Hotch nodded, and she smiled and nodded back.
"Hello, Aaron. Sorry about Alice. She's a bit… protective of her cat."
"HIS cat—"
"I know, Alice." Samira smiled, shaking her head. "It's okay. Please don't threaten our neighbors. They're just cats. These things happen."
"And I will help pay for Olive's vet bills." Reid said quickly. "I am SO sorry, Alice."
Alice eyed Reid up and down, then nodded.
"Alright…" She grumbled. "I mean… I DID let Olive out of the house…"
"Did you know she was in heat?" Reid asked.
"No."
"Then it was just an honest mistake on everyone's part." Samira said calmly. "And this is a nice neighborhood. We can find homes for the kittens easily."
"What?!" Alice blurted, turning on her girlfriend. "We are NOT getting rid of Olive's kittens!"
"Alice—"
"NO!" Alice insisted. Samira sighed.
"We'll discuss it. But if you choose to keep the kittens, it's your CHOICE. Dr. Reid will help us financially with anything while Olive is pregnant and nursing. But once the kittens are weaned, he's off the hook." Samira said, and winked at Reid. Reid gave her a relieved smile. Hotch just shook his head and returned to the study, muttering about Feline Paternity Lawsuits and what the hell was the world coming to? Blitz followed him and lay down beside the man's desk.
Reid, Alice and Samira watched him go, then all burst out laughing. Reid followed them out the front door, and began to walk with them back to their house a few doors down, all of them smiling in amusement.
"Would you have really sued over Feline Paternity for Kitten Child Support?" Reid asked, looking at Alice.
"Damn right I would have." She announced.
"Why?" Reid asked, grinning. "There's no precedence!"
"Exactly!" Alice announced, looking delighted at the idea.
"Oh Lord, don't encourage her." Samira laughed, and Reid grinned.
"Why am I not surprised." The doctor said, looking down at Alice. She just had a mischievous smirk on her lips. "Remind me to introduce you to my friend and co-worker, Garcia." He said, and Alice looked up at him from behind her black frame glasses and dark red bangs. "You two would get along brilliantly." She smiled up at Reid.
"Would we, now?"
"You two are surprisingly similar in a lot of ways." Reid said.
"Is she hot?" Alice asked, and Samira rolled her eyes. Reid blinked.
"Uhhh…"
"Oh, sorry. I'm asking the wrong guy." Alice snickered. "You prefer hotdogs over tacos."
"ALICE!" Samira cried out, trying not to laugh. Reid just frowned and mulled this over in his mind, trying to figure out what hotdogs and tacos had to do with anything. Seeing this, Alice rolled her eyes with a smile, and Samira sighed and shook her head.
Finally, they had reached Alice and Samira's home. A cat was sitting on the windowsill, watching them.
"Is she okay?" Reid asked, staring at the cat.
"Yeah, yeah… she's fine…" Alice snorted, glaring at the cat. "… Little slut. Lifts her tail for the first furball with a penis that comes by."
"Classy, Alice." Samira groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose
"Well… keep me informed." Reid said. "And again, I apologize for my cat's behavior."
"Oh, no big deal." Alice snorted, waving a hand. "He was hoping for one more night before you chop his balls off. Offer him my sympathies." Reid grinned at that, and waved as the two women headed into their house. Then he shivered in the cold December air, and turned to head back home.
But he had only taken one step when he froze. He stared down the side walk, eyes wide. Standing there, blocking Reid's path home, was his archnemesis…
"… Caligula…" Reid breathed, and the dog bared his teeth.
"Hurrrrrrrr…" Growled the fluffy black poodle. Slowly, Reid moved to cross the street to try and get around the little ten pound terror. But Caligula wasn't allowing it. He moved too, matching Reid. Reid gulped, and took a step back. Caligula tensed… and then he charged.
"YARF! ARF ARF ARF ARP YAPYAPYAPYAPYAP!"
"AAAAAUUUUGGGH!" Reid howled, turned and ran. A neighbor carrying in groceries stopped and watched the lanky young man run by her house, the little poodle on his heels. And then they ran around the corner.
"That was awesome." Her husband laughed.
"Kyle!" She scolded, shaking her head and shoving shopping bags into his arms.
Around the corner, Caligula had caught up with Reid and was snapping at his heels.
"Go away, Caligula!" Reid shouted, angry, frustrated and embarrassed. "Stop it! BAD DOG! BAD!"
"YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP!"
"STOP IT! Leave me alone! Just go home you stupid dog!" Reid pleaded, leaping up into the air to try and keep the dog from seizing his pant-leg or his socks or shoelace. "I swear, if I had my gun on me…!"
"AARRRRARF!" Caligula shot back, lunging and seizing Reid's left sock in his teeth.
"AAAH!" Reid howled, and crashed to the snow. "Get OFF, Caligula! GET OFF!" He thrashed his legs, trying to kick the dog away from him, but Caligula was relentless. "Stop it! You're ruining my sock!"
RRRRIP!
"AH! MY SOCK!" Reid cried, watching the dog snarl and shake his head, clutching the scrap of the sock in his teeth. But then he lunged again and Reid yelped, scuttling away on all fours. He didn't get far. Teeth seized his shoelace and tugged. Reid kicked back, not noticing the audience that had gathered in the windows of the surrounding houses.
"GET OFF OF ME, CALIGULA!" He shouted, aiming a kick at the dog. His shoe, whose laces had come loose, flew off of his foot. The dog turned and seized the shoe, picked it up… and RAN AWAY!
"… HEY!" Reid yelped, staring after the dog. "MY SHOE!" He stumbled to his feet and gave chase.
The woman and her husband carrying in groceries stopped and watched as Reid ran past them again, this time chasing the poodle, who had one of his shoes. "Dude, that's awesome." The man said, grinning down at his wife.
"Uhg… Just… put the toilet paper away." She snorted, and carried another bag into the house.
Down the street, Caligula darted across the street, Reid following. Slowly but surely, he was falling behind the little dog. Honestly, if it weren't for his shoe weighing the poodle down, he would have lost the dog already. When he reached his own home, he let his heavy feet slow to a halt, and watched the dog disappear down the street.
"… AAAAAAAARRRRRHHHG!" He let out, his scream echoing down the snowy street. Moments later, the front door flew open.
"Spencer?!" Hotch called, standing there with wide eyes and his Glock in his hand. Blitz was by his side, and the dog ran to Reid and nudged his hand. Hotch was on the dog's tail. "Are you alright? What's wrong? … Where's your shoe?"
"Where do you THINK?!" Reid snapped, glaring at his lover. Hotch blinked.
"Spence… what happened?" Hotch asked gently.
"Caligula happened!" Reid snapped, shoving past the man and stomping into the house. Hotch sighed and followed, Blitz by his side. When he got in, he wrapped an arm around Reid and guided him upstairs to their bedroom. "Get out of those clothes." He said gently. "I'll run you a warm bath. Okay?"
"… Okay." Reid mumbled, pouting. Hotch gently kissed the pout away and went to start the bath. A few minutes later, and Reid was lounging in the warm water.
"I'll go make you some coffee." Hotch told him. As he headed down the stairs, the doorbell rang. He headed to the door, having a feeling that he knew who was on the other side. And sure enough, when he opened the door, his greeting was Caligula, barking.
"Good afternoon, Ruth." Hotch greeted the old woman who lived down the block.
"Hello, Aaron." She said with a guilty smile, clutching the black poodle under one arm, and holding a converse sneaker in the other hand. "Matisse just brought this home… I think it's Spencer's?"
"Yes, it is." Hotch nodded, taking the shoe.
"I just don't know what has gotten into him!" Ruth Calahan insisted, glaring down at her dog. The dog began wiggling, trying to get to the shoe and ended up falling to the ground, where he bounced up and down at Hotch, trying to reach the shoe. "Stop that! Mr. Henri Matisse, you know better!" She cried.
"Thank you for returning his shoe, Ruth." Hotch smiled. "Get yourself back home… it's cold and it's starting to get dark."
"It's gonna snow again soon, too. I yell you, one of these days, I'm gonna drag these old bones down to live in a condo on the beach in Florida."
"Now, Ruth… you're a Virginia girl. You know that." Hotch teased with a warm smile.
"Through and through, Aaron!" She cackled. "Through and through!"
"Thank you again, Ruth." Hotch said, kicking away Caligula, who had been humping his leg. Again. Like always. The old woman waved, and Hotch closed the door. He made Reid a mug of coffee, and carried it up the stairs and into the bathroom.
"Here." Hotch said, offering Reid the mug. Reid smiled and accepted it. "And uh… Ruth brought your shoe back." And he held up the shoe, which Blitz was now sniffing at eagerly. Reid scowled.
"… Stupid dog." He grumbled, then sipped his coffee and sunk deeper into the water. Hotch smiled, shaking his head. "I am never leaving this house without Blitz or my gun again."
"You are NOT killing the neighbor's dogs!"
"I'm NOT! Just Caligula."
"Spencer…" Hotch said in a scolding tone.
Reid grumbled under his breath and continued drinking his coffee. Hotch just shook his head, the turned and stripped naked before stepping into the shower. He bathed, and then headed downstairs to make dinner. Reid joined him, and the pair curled up on the sofa to watch a movie while they ate, and after the food was done, Hotch lovingly rubbed his beloved's feet, which were sore from the chase with Caligula in the snow.
And then they went to bed, Reid swearing vengeance on the little black poodle down the street. Hotch just rolled his eyes, and went to sleep.
And down the block, a little black poodle dreamed of his taste of victory… the taste of the Screaming Thing's shoe… He WOULD taste them again… by any means necessary…
- 1
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The Wrath of Caligula