A Bit Not Good

To my dear friend,

It's been two months since I went with Mrs. Hudson to see your grave for the first time. I was supposed to say goodbye then, but I didn't. Instead I begged you to still be alive, I suppose I'm still doing that.

You would have hated the funeral service. It was dull, and emotional. Mycroft and your mother insisted that I sat at the front with them. Would you have wanted that?

I just moved back into the flat this week, it was too hard at first, just being here without you. I was surprised when I called Mrs. Hudson to see if she had new tenants, to see where she'd put everything I'd just left there… all of our things I mean. Well it turns out Mycroft paid for the flat while I was gone, so everything stayed exactly as I'd left it. Does he know you're still alive too? Or does he just feel bad for me? I can never tell.

When I got back to the flat Mrs. Hudson had organized all the mail for me. I think she threw out the terrible ones. Enough mail made it to Harry's, I know exactly what most people think... but she left all the nice ones. I'll put my favorites in this box after I've finished going through them. Not to mention I have enough frozen casseroles to feed me through the rest of the year. Which is good, because I rather don't feel like cooking.

I stayed with Harry for a while, before I moved back into the flat I mean. She's cleaned up a lot. Kinda funny, once I needed her she stepped up. I don't know what I would have done without her through all of this. I told her I'm sure you're out there. She didn't tell me I was crazy or anything, just asked what you could be doing that was so important that you couldn't let me know you were okay.

I couldn't answer her. Moriarty is dead, I don't know what you could be doing. Hopefully I don't have to wait too long to find out.

This had to be a plan…. it just had to be. The fake call about Mrs. Hudson, making me stay where I was out on the street. You're just too clever for that bastard to have beaten you that easily, not after everything I've seen you do. And don't worry, I didn't believe a word of what you said on the phone. You're a hero Sherlock. You always have been and it kills me that no one told you that before you left.

I'm not sure what I should do with this letter. I know you're still out there. You have to be. I thought about giving it to Mycroft. He checks up on me quite a bit, I'm pretty sure he knows you're alive, but if he doesn't… I don't want it getting lost. I suppose I'll just hold onto it, put it in the box till you come home.

So, there's not much else to say I suppose. I'm carrying on, it's what we do right? I suppose if you don't come back, one day I'll have admit you may be gone. But I'm not saying goodbye. I won't do it.

God please Sherlock. Just… For me… Come back… Come back so I can give you this ridiculous letter, so I can show the whole damn world that you are as brilliant as I see you. You can leave body parts wherever you like, well not wherever, but I'll try not to complain when you leave them next to the leftovers. I really will.

And Sherlock, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry for everything I said before I left you that day. You are not a machine, you are brilliant and human and the most wonderful person I have ever known. I just want to be able to tell you that.

Come home soon so I can. Please.

Yours always,