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Flickering
By : Bucken-Berry
Category: G through L > Law & Order
Views: 1523 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own SVU; no profit is being made.
Chapter List
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A/N: So I've had this idea since May and finally started it today. (I know, I know, I should be updating my other fics. But I just can't focus! It's either these new stories while they capture my attention or nothing.) Basically, it's going to be a series of extended scenes or deleted scenes and other similar additions to my Fading Away 'verse. I already got about 30 ideas, I will come up with more as time goes on, and I'm definitely open to your suggestions though I can't guarantee I'll write all of them.
Chapter one takes place after the park scene in Fading Away, where Olivia and Rafael end up holding hands. I will try to add chapter two reasonably soon (as far as my updates go, haha) though I don't know which scene I'll be writing. Please let me know what you think! A lot of you seemed to like Fading Away even if it made you cry, and I hope to transfer a lot of that here. I'm starting off with a scene that's very sad but NOT heart-wrenching like the main story.

Joy was flowing through his entire body, filling him with warmth. He hadn't been happy ever since he'd been diagnosed; forget feeling over the moon like this.
His fingers were being squeezed by Olivia, only occasionally let go so she could trace his palm. Their arms were linked. They were walking slowly, looking at the sights Central Park had to offer, coffees lying almost forgotten in their spare hands.
Best of all, Olivia was talking to him softly, words of comfort and encouragement. He was tough, she was telling him, and she knew he could beat this. He'd been doubting it ever since he'd started treatment, but if anything could convince him he'd live, it was her voice.
Even when he felt exhaustion creep up through his body, knew he'd pushed himself too hard and would regret pushing himself tomorrow, he didn't say a word. He didn't want this to end. He felt like the moment Olivia left his line of sight, the scene would melt away and he'd realize he was in a dream. He'd rather a nightmare; at least when he woke up, he would be glad to know it wasn't real.
Eventually he stopped paying attention to the park, instead keeping his eyes on the road in front of him and focusing on Olivia's voice. He could listen forever if she kept talking like that.
Olivia stopped suddenly, frowning at him.
"Hmm?" he muttered distractedly.
"You haven't said a word for fifteen minutes," Olivia informed him.
"Sorry," Rafael said, looking at his watch to confirm her words. "I was… kind of lost in my thoughts." Which was close enough to the truth, he supposed.
"You do have a lot to think about," Olivia said, eying him. "Want to get anything off your chest?"
"No," he said honestly. "I want to pretend nothing's wrong, just for a few hours. Pretend this-" he gestured around the park with one arm- "is all there is to it."
He waited for Olivia to prod, or worse, for her to leave and shatter the day. But she didn't. She just made her way to a bench and motioned for him to sit down again.
Leaning back, he closed his eyes, already feeling the consequences of the last hour. His muscles were starting to ache and he found himself wanting to return home and sleep.
"You okay?" Olivia said, worry clear in her voice.
He smiled faintly and opened his eyes. "Yes," he said, and meant it.
Olivia moved closer to him and then, looking at him carefully, wrapped one arm around his shoulders. His smile grew as he leaned into her, hesitating only briefly before removing his hat and resting his head on her shoulder.
Maybe they were moving too fast, whatever they were now. But he couldn't make himself care enough to slow down himself and Olivia didn't seem interested in slow either. They didn't do slow. It wasn't who they were. Everything was a race, like they'd lose it if they didn't take it fast enough. They probably would, given who they were. That had been true for him even before getting sick, and now…
Now he couldn't imagine taking anything slow again, not knowing time was so limited even if he did get better. He was in his forties. Even if he made a full recovery, there were so many things he needed to do, and he couldn't take his time on any of them.
She stroked his head gently, massaging his temple. He heard a wistful noise escape her and asked, "what?"
"I thought…" she began, but trailed off. Her fingers stilled on his forehead.
"Thought what?" Rafael prompted, then grabbed her hand to encourage her to move again. She smiled down at him and obliged, and he felt calm flooding him.
"I imagined, when I thought about… this…" she said slowly. Her next words came in a rush, like ripping off a band-aid. "I thought about doing this. And I thought- I thought I'd be running my fingers through your hair."
"Oh."
And there was nothing he could say to that. He wanted that too. He wanted his hair back, and he wanted to feel Olivia's fingers stroking through it. He didn't just want his hair, he wanted his health back too. It was finally starting to hit him, how drastically different the rest of his life would be. He usually pushed the thought to the back of his mind, telling himself he needed to focus on now, but it was still there.
He wanted a lot of things. He wasn't sure he was going to get them. Everything felt so uncertain.
"I'm sorry," Olivia said softly, looking down at him.
"Why?" he asked, shifting his head slightly.
"That was insensitive of me."
Rafael laughed. "Olivia, do you remember who I am? Do you think I care about sensitivity?"
Olivia didn't smile. "I'm serious. I shouldn't be thinking about your hair."
Sighing, he told her, "Better that than asking me if I'm going to die. Looking at me like I'm going to collapse any second. And besides…" He paused, knowing he was taking a risk, knowing he was taking their friendship past a point of no return for better or worse. "I like that you want to touch my hair." He smiled faintly. "I want you to. When it comes back."
"Yeah?" Her thumb strayed, finally coming to rest on his cheek.
He nodded, head rubbing against her shoulder. "I like this." He inhaled. There was so much more he wanted to say, but he couldn't yet, even if that part of him that hated slowness wanted to rush on. He couldn't, not while Olivia was still technically with Cassidy. After two years, he couldn't expect her to toss him aside no matter how much she liked him, and he wasn't sure how much that was yet.
"I like it too," Olivia said. "So… it's a date."
Chuckling wryly, Rafael said, "Good. So we know how we'll celebrate when I get better. Who needs dinner?"
"You don't strike me as that kind of man," Olivia teased.
"No, I am. Any excuse to wear a suit," Rafael said.
She snorted. "You don't need an excuse. If anything, you need an excuse not to wear one."
"What do you call this?" Rafael asked, gesturing down at himself. "I'm wearing a sweatshirt and jeans, for God's sake."
"Fair enough," Olivia said. Silence fell for a few moments and then she sighed. "Rafael…"
"Don't," he interrupted. "I don't… I don't want to hear…" He shook his head. "I don't want to figure out where we'll go from here. I don't want to talk about any of it. I just want to enjoy it. Later? Please?"
He sounded so desperate that Olivia couldn't help but give in. "Okay," she whispered. "But we need to talk later."
Rafael nodded. "I know." So many things he had to do, and almost none of them were things he wanted to face. All he wanted was this, here, now. He wanted Olivia. He didn't want to have to think about things. Didn't want to think that Olivia was either going to tell him she wanted Cassidy or at best, needed time to think about it. Didn't want to think about how he had to go back to his doctor tomorrow, and then he had to talk to his boss about cutting down his workload even more. Didn't want to think that eventually he was going to have to leave this park. He wanted this to last forever- he didn't want to go back to what had been his reality for the last few months. This was so much nicer.
Rafael buried his face in Olivia's neck. He dreaded opening his eyes, dreaded surfacing to reality again. He would lose himself in her for as long as he could.
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Flickering	By : Bucken-Berry Category: G through L > Law & Order Views: 1523 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own SVU; no profit is being made.

Flickering