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Suit up or Man up	By : Dawn_223 Category: G through L > How I Met Your Mother Views: 4865 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own How I Met Your Mother, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Suit up or Man up
- 1
Authors Notes: Originally published 2011 on my fanfiction.net account. Updated 2015. I am still really proud of this story so I hope you enjoy it too!

Kids, before I met your mother I watched Barney go through many different stages in his life: meeting him.
"Hey, I'm Barney. We met at the urinal."
Meeting Robin.
"Oh damn, you can just tell she likes it dirty"
Falling in love with Robin.
"Yes, the suit is Robin."
Breaking up with Robin.
"If you're watching this and I'm in a committed relationship, please, for god's sake, get me out of it!"
I'm sure there are many more, but that's all that stuck out to me when reminiscing about this one night.

September 2009
'Ted, you're so lucky you're single like me," Barney drawled over his beer, tipping some of it down himself, "Oh shit."
"Barney, when are you going to give this up?" I asked exasperated. I was so sick of Barney's depression right now I was wondering if him and Robin had switched bodies, "Wendy the Waitress is over you. You can't win her back, you never even had a connection with her to begin with."
But he did. You see, Barney had been hooking up with Wendy the Waitress on a regular basis. None of us knew about it of course, except Marshall, who had the unfortunate experience of walking in on them.
"OH GOD!"
"Marshall, no, no, no.” Barney had cooed from the bed, “Don't worry. You've met before. Wendy, this is Marshall. Marshall this is Wendy."
Marshall quickly regained his composure, blushing.
"Please do not explain how you two got together. I've heard enough of Barney's nightmarish stories."
"Oh, it’s not a problem." Wendy smiled, covering herself with the doona, "You see, I had been keeping a watchful eye on Barney, and I realized what kind of person he was."
"And she realized as much as she wanted me to be her boyfriend, it was clear that was never going to happen."
"And so?" Marshall questioned.
"And so we became fuck buddies." Wendy and Barney said together.
Well. Certainly didn't see that one coming.
I pat Barney on the shoulder awkwardly. "Dude, she never loved you, you never loved her."
"No," Barney shook his head, sobbing, "she understood my deep desire to get satisfied. She understood, Ted!"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down."
And mastering all the manliness and dignity I had left, I hugged him. I tried to forget about all my problems concerning women by focusing on his. See, life is funny like that: if you want to forget your own problems, try and help someone else with his or hers.
She understood me, Ted!
And I didn't see the next night coming either.

The next night:
Lily put a hand comfortingly but firmly on the shoulder, urging me to wake up. It was our usual meeting place at the bar, and Marshall had gone to throw up in the bathrooms, which wasn't uncommon nowadays. Whenever we mentioned Barney he had to go vomit. Lily looked me deep in the face, caring like she always was.
"Ted, you have to understand Barney was deeply troubled. You can't blame it on yourself. You had nothing to do with it."
But I did.
"Lily, you don't get it."
"Ted, I feel your pain." Marshall sat down beside me and looked solemnly at the glass in front of us, "I really do."
"I kissed Barney."
Marshall gave me a wide-eyed look and banged his head on the table.
"Sorry!" he said in a rush.
Truth is I only told a little bit of the story. There was a lot more kids, and I don't even think I can tell you.
"What? You did more than kiss Barney?" my son demanded from the sofa.
"Yes."
"Did you give him a blow job?"
"NO, dream on, Clarissa!"

What really happened:
Again, at the bar, I saw Barney sitting by himself with no intention of picking up any other women. It was ridiculous, and so sad to see him like this, so I picked up my drink, reached his table, and passed it to him.
"For the team." I murmured, and Barney burst into thick sobs.
"Oh, Ted!," he skulled the drink, "Thank you for your contribution to society."
"Um," I prepared myself for one of Barney's ridiculous theories, "are you society?"
"No. I'm the ruler of society, saying thank you for your worthy contribution." Barney smashed the glass down and yelled, directing his comments at the crowd, "All of you never contribute to society!"
He burst into tears. They were so believably real it was quite frightening. I wasn't sure what to do, but his tantrum was making the ladies leave, and that wasn't a good thing. I realized I wasn't going to be the reason Barney lost all chances with the opposite sex. Even though Wendy broke up with Barney to save her reputation, Barney still had a soul. He was capable of feeling emotion, and he had to get over her fast, or his whole life was going to be ruined.
I bit my lip and stood up on the table.
"Ladies, this man needs more than just a drink. Please consider him as a worthy choice.” I waved my arms around extravagantly, as though I was doing one of my college lectures, “Even though he is crying, I've heard he is very good at what he does. Please do not miss out."
Most girls laughed, but most gave Barney uneasy looks and stayed away. It wasn't the fact Barney was an unattractive guy, but none of the girls wanted to touch him when he would only cry on them.
Fine. That was it.
"Barney, wake up!" I hissed in his ear, "If you don't stop crying all the girls are going to leave! No one forgets a crying face."
"You're right," Barney seemed to regain some of his usual spark. He raised his head from the table, "None of these girls are officially allowed to leave the building."
I knew what was going to happen a split second before he did. If I didn't do anything, this is what would have happened.
"No! Nobody is allowed to leave this bar!" Barney yelled in the door way, raising his fists "If you want hit me, I can take it! No one is allowed to leave, no one…"
And then some security guys would pull him out the bar, Barney screaming.
"NO! Wendy lives in there! I can't leave, don't make me go!"
"Sorry, Barney, you're no longer welcome here. You were causing too much distress to our women."
"NO! NOooooooo."

Back in the present:
"Barney! Don't!"
I tackled him to the ground, and he fell asleep instantly.
Hours later:
"Ted, what do you mean he's knocked out?" Lily demanded, worried, in the middle of walking grocery bags to the apartment. "Well what do you want me to do?"
"What's going on?" Marshall asked, knowing it was me and pressing his head closer to Lily's ear by ducking down.
"It's Barney."
"Barney?" Marshall asked, and the flashbacks started again, "Excuse me."
And he was gone. He ducked into the bushes to vomit.
"What's happening?" I asked from in the bar.
"Nothing, just Marshall has a little stomach ache." Lily was obviously oblivious to what had happened, "its food poisoning. I don't' know what it is. Nothing in our fridge is out of date."
"Goodbye Lily." I cut across her.
"Ted!"
Beep, beep, beep, beep...
Lily walked into the bushes where Marshall was.
"Hey honey, I think we need to take you to the hospital."

"Barney, Barney, Barney…"
I said to myself, pacing up to Barney's apartment to let him sleep. I had found his keys in his pocket, and was now cradling one of my best friends in my arms. He was heavy, and my arms felt like they would collapse, but he looked so different asleep. So peaceful and childlike, not the Barney I knew at all.
I had to kick the door open to get inside, only the force made me topple over in surprise.
"Ah!"
"Owwww" Barney moaned, clutching his head and rolling up into a ball "Mummy?"
"No, Barney, it's me," I said, quickly bending down to see if he was alright.
"Wendy?" Barney said hopefully.
I frowned. "No, I am not Wendy, Barney"
"Robin?"
I froze. Yes, Robin was the closest woman he had ever gotten to, excluding Wendy. I had almost forgotten within this drama. In the moments I reminisced about Robin, I remembered how good of a friend Barney had been to me, how light hearted he was, how dedicated he was to completing any mission he set his sights on, no matter how absurd.
"Barney, I think we need to get you to bed." I said calmly, and attempted to pick him up.
Barney chuckled, still sounding sad. "Hehe. Bed." and he sobbed, "I want bed!"
"Okay, okay. We'll get you to bed. Now just hold on."
I attempted to lift him many times. I think I dropped him once or twice, and by the end, I expected him to hate me. But given the messed up state he was in, he didn't care. He just wanted bed.
"WHY AM I NOT IN BED YET?!" the drunk yelped.
Back on the streets:
"No, Lily, I'm fine. Just turn back now. I don't need to go to the hospital." Marshall said impatiently, forced in the car next to Lily, who had fire in her eyes.
"No. You said that the last few times you vomited. This time it’s gone too far. I don't want you vomiting all over the bed like I did the time I got food poisoning."
"But honey!"
"Don't say another word until we've gotten your results."
Marshall sighed in a 'I guess you win' sort of way, but deeply resented Lily and her driver's license at that moment.

"Ted, I want tea!" Barney cried, milking this for all it was worth, "Where's my drinkie?"
"Right here." I said, pointing to the bedside table. Barney had gotten a bruise or two from my constant lack of strength, but apart from that, he had become whinier than ever.
"But Ted!" he sobbed, tears going down his face, "Why doesn't anyone love me?"
"What?"
"Nobody loves me. You don't, Lily doesn't, Marshall doesn't, Robin doesn't…"
"Hey man, you're talking crazy. I may not have known Robin in the same way you did, but she does really care about you, I'll give you that much. She loves you as a friend, and Lily and Marshall both do too, and I'm sure Wendy cared about you in some regard, even if it wasn't love."
"But… but…" Barney struggled to find words, "why do I feel so alone?"
"Maybe because you're out of the bar?" I suggested, looking here and there, "I don't know, Barney, you have some pretty cool stuff here. Like furniture, and… windows, dust and suits."
"I love my suits." Barney smiled. He seemed comforted a little. "Ted, do you love my suits?"
"I do" I said, forcing a smile, "I love every suit you own."
"Do you love them more than me?"
What was I supposed to say? In his eyes I saw two truths, two possibilities. To play along with his drunken conversation I could say I loved them more than him, but realistically I didn't care much for suits, I cared about Barney a lot more. But which one did Barney want me to play?
"I don't know." I speculated, "Which one do you love more?"
I didn't know what to expect, but something about Barney stopped me from recoiling from the next thing I just did. With an innocent gleam in his eyes, Barney pulled my head forwards and longingly kissed my lips with his. It was uplifting and touching, and for a second I forgot I was kissing a boy, let alone Barney. I lost myself in the sensation. Feeling light headed, I tried to pull away, but Barney pushed me further, sliding his tongue in my mouth he tried to search my soul, and now I finally understood how Barney got to understand people, or make some sort of emotional connection. He would understand their soul from inside out.
"I love you, Ted." Barney whispered in my ear, and he pushed me onto the bed with him. I did, feeling blissful and submissive. I tried to push him off me, but Barney interpreted that as that I wanted him. He kissed me down the neck, using his other hand to rub my crotch, which quickly responded. I had to force my mouth shut.
"Oh Ted, don't try to resist me." Barney whispered, in the most attractive of voices, "Surrender to me instead."
"I don't know if I want to." I murmured, unable to stop the increasing blood flow away from my head, making me dizzy. "Please stop it."
"But it’s good for you, good for your health, Ted."
Don't resist me!
But the more I tried to resist him, the more he managed to keep me captivated and go lose. God he had gotten good at this!
"I want you." Barney murmured, pushing my pelvis onto his own, and I now knew I was dry humping him, "I want every part of your wonderful Mosby designs."
I snorted, but in this process, Barney kissed me again, pushing further, tasting every inch of saliva he could, savouring it.
"Hold on, my friend," his playful grimace had returned, and I realized I had just saved him from losing all the women alive. "The night is just starting."
No! I wanted to yell stop this! Stop it now!
But Barney had held onto the inside of my pants and began to teasingly rub my arousal, starting and stopping at regular intervals.
"You sure you want me to stop?" he asked, rubbing quickly then stopping, "Are you really sure? Really, really, really sure? My dear Ted, you know nothing."
I moaned out of mental frustration, "You're horrible."
"I know." Barney flashed a smile, "But why else have I seduced so many women? It's because I'm bad, Ted Mosby. Bad, bad, bad."
"So very, very bad," I grinned, and I gasped. Barney had increased his game; his grip had got tighter, firmer. I grabbed onto him out of being overwhelmed.
"I can't do this, Barney," I muttered, "You know I can't"
"No, I know you can. Just stop resisting, Ted. It doesn't do anyone any good."
Was that really a good idea? I thought to the possibility of Barney getting depressed again and now there was no way I could turn back. I didn't want Barney to get lost again.
Instead, I got lost inside him. Overwhelmed with emotion, I let go.
"I love you." I smiled, and I kissed him back for the first time, trying to make him feel just how much I appreciated him. I think he understood the message. He began to unbuckle his belt.
"Suck me off, Ted!" he commanded.
I went red in the face. "Is that a …?"
Barney hit me. "Come on, what kind of bro attitude is that? Man up, Ted! Take off those clothes and get down and dirty with it."
What a great idea. Sarcasm, of course. I watched as Barney undressed and I saw the one thing all women wanted from him. So it was this that they all got wet dreams and screamed over. Hard and sturdy, this thing had sailed many oceans. My god it was magnificent.
Without thinking, I covered my mouth over it, trying to make it disappear. This time it was Barney's turn to understand what I did to make Robin scream.
Barney was sure skilled in his trade. He did not react too much, although his breathing did get heavier, it was controlled.
"You'll have to go harder than that, Ted." he muttered, eyes shut.
I did, trying to complete a hundred things at once. It sort of worked, and failed at the same time, but I was quick to react. If I was bad at this, Barney would make fun of me for the rest of my life.
"Turn around, you jerk," Barney got there first. He put his hands on my shoulders, "Turn around."
I stared at him in disbelieve. Was he serious? Or was he just failing to recite the starting lyrics to ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’?
"What did I just say to you…?"
"Okay, okay, give me a break."
We switched places and my face was resting on a pillow. Barney was quick to pull down my pants, at a record breaking speed.
Please don't do it, I prayed to myself. But this was Barney we were talking about.
"Oh god!" I muffled my voice in the pillow so no one would hear. I gasped for air "You're killing me. Almost literally. Barney!"
Barney smirked, "I know."
"Aah!" I squirmed, gripping onto the pillow, "You're so horrible."
"Aren't I?" Barney questioned, and he gave another mind throbbing thrust downwards. "Or am I?"
"Shut up" I growled, trying to get up on all fours, but Barney pushed me down "I can take this. Give me all you've got."
Barney laughed, but then became stony.
"Oh I thought you weren't serious. Okay then…" He grabbed onto my thighs and squeezed them. "I hope you don't resent me for this."
He thrust again, this time making go silent out of an inability to express how I felt about anything. it was like all the sound being cut out, like I had suddenly gone deaf, only I heard a magnificent noise: Barney had begun to shake all over.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" he groaned, and he shuddered from waist up "Teeeeddd" he moaned, a little like a child again.
"I'm sorry, Barney." I murmured, and I thrust upwards into him, and he came so magnificently. I felt every vibration and emotion he was feeling as I felt liquids spurt over my back, dripping everywhere. This very thought, the smell, all of it, convinced me to finish in reverse. I turned around, pulled Barney's legs apart, rest them on my head, and balanced his hips on mine, sliding easily in. it was tight yet incredibly flexible, capable of melding to anything. Barney moaned again, pushing my back.
"Don't." he shuddered, breathing out of control. Was he going to multi?
"Yes, I do think so." I returned the same coy tone, and thrust into him as hard as I could. Barney couldn't take it, and neither could I.
"Oh, Ted," Barney murmured under his breath, "You're so wonderful."
"You're horrible" I grinned, pushing myself deeper inside, the friction driving me insane "I… I don't resent you at all, bro."
"No, I don't either." Barney grinned, eyes rolling into his head, "I'm just being stupid… oh god."
He swore multiple times, before screaming out my name, and I was left with him in my arms. As his fluids went over me again, I pushed Barney's head down onto me. He understood, and sucked very enthusiastically, as tired as he was, I felt pressure rising, higher and higher, and I lost myself in my breathing patterns and racing mind. This time when I was done I hardly made a sound, too exhausted by the whole ordeal.
Little did we know what was going to happen once we got back….

"Ted, I don't know what to do," Marshall explained hurriedly to me, "I talked in the car when Lily said not to and now she wants to hear the story from you. She wants to know if I'm telling the truth."
"About you throwing up over Barney?" I asked, pacing happily. "I don't see why she's so mad. (SARCASM) Probably because you lied to her."
"Yeah, I think so too."
We looked solemnly at the ground for a second, and Barney came strolling towards us, arms out wide, wearing the most magical suit of all, one with cum stains all over it.
"Marshall! So good to see you again." he hugged Marshall, "See, what you saw was nothing as to what I saw last night."
"What? Two guys table dancing and making out with each other?"
"Not quite, but I'll give you a few points." he made that weird clicking noise with his mouth and walked off, confident as ever. Marshall watched nauseated, and whispered in my ear.
"Um, what are points?" He asked, "Is it anything I should…."
"No." I smiled, brushing it away, "I don't have a clue what it is. Probably something stupid."
But I forgot to mention the glint in Barney's eye as he approached us, or even the wink he gave me as he hugged Marshall.
Something told me Barney's gay streak was not over.
- 1
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Suit up or Man up