Adult-FanFiction.org : Television / Streaming

Tha Birds an tha Bees an' All That Othah Good Shit	By : Scribe Category: S through Z > Xena Views: 2608 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Xena, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 9
- 10
Warnings: Male childbirth, may squick some.
Tha Birds, an' Tha Bees, an' All That Othah Good Shit
Epilogue: *sniff* I Just loveHappy Endins, An' Quit Snickerin!

I talked with Hera, an' she said that most women pretty much forget tha pain of childbirth once they get their hands on tha baby. I said that hadda be true, othawise there wouldn't be a mortal around who wasn't an only child. She gave me tha look, but it was only on half powah since I was pregs, an' it just singed my hair.

Anyways, where was I? *snigger* Yah, I remembah, but if I didn't tease ya, ye'd think I didn't love ya no more.

Flash!

Pink lightnin, and Dite was hurryin ovah ta me, hands outstretched, lookin anxious. "Strife, honey, how are you doing?"

"Mmm, maybe bettah than you, Dite. As far as I know, I ain't green."

"Green?" I pointed. "Oh." She waved her hand, an' tha green goop that had beem smeared all ovah her face disappeahed. "Spinach, parsley, and cucumber facial. Does wonders for the pores, and if you get peckish you can eat it."

"No thanks, had enough greens ta last me till... say, tha Renaissance. Don't want no more."
Flash!

Cupid was sittin nexta me. "Breast feeding."

I sighed. "Okay, a few more months. Ow!!" I grabbed Cupid's hand an' put a few fingahnail marks in it. When tha spasm passed, I panted, "Sorry."

Cupid looked at Asclepius. "Isn't there some sort of a pain transference spell you could use? It isn't fair that he should have to take all of it."

Flash!

"Women will be saying the same thing for centuries to come," said Hera, "but it never happens--that just isn't how it works." She came ovah an' stroked my hair up off my sweaty forehead, "Though some of them find a way to make hubbie participate in the pain."

She'd nevah used such a gentle tone with me, an' I grinned up at her. "I'm savin everythin up fah tha next time I need ta lay some major guilt on him."

She nodded in approval. "It works well with kids, too."

Flash!

Joxer was back with Demeter. Demeter came ovah an' hugged me. "I'll babysit anytime you want, you know that, right?"

"Not necessary. Aftah all this, I ain't lettin this kid outta my sight till he's shavin... um, or..." I looked at Dite. "Shavin works for girls, too, huh?"

She nodded firmly. "Definitely, but with different body parts."

Cupid whispahed ta Demeter, "He'll change his mind."

Asclepius said, "There are too many people on that bed. Strife and Cupid can stay." Mom scowled at him, but he didn't back down. Gotta give tha dude credit--when it comes ta doin his thing, he stands firm. Ma got up. "Aphrodite, did you bring that elasticity cream I asked you to make up?"

Ya know, tha sorta outfits Dite wears, ya'd nevah think she had enough space ta store a peanut, but she pulled a jar outta somewhere and handed it ta Ace. Asclepius handed it ovah ta Cupe. "This is something along the lines of what you've already been using to prevent stretch marks, but it's much more potent." Alluva sudden Cupe was wearing gloves. "That's so your fingers don't droop off your bones like taffy. Just massage that into Strife's skin all over his belly, but in particular around the bellybutton."

cupe looked worried. "You're the healer--shouldn't you be doing this?"

"It's not philosophy, Cupid--you don't need a lot of training to do it. Just rub it in. In this case the comfort factor of having someone he loves do it is going to be more beneficial than whatever teeny bit of skill I could provide would be. But don't push too hard around the apex. Baby's skulls are still soft, you know."

I could feel Cupe shakin nexta me, an' I rubbed his arm. "G'wan, Feathahs. You're wunna tha gentlest people I know, ya ain't gonna hurt me or Lump."

He raised my tunic, dipped up somma tha cream, an' started rubbin it inta my skin. He started right around tha bellybutton an' slowly worked his way out. I wiggled my eyebrows at him. "Ya know, sport, if we didn't have an audience... Wait, screw tha audience. If I wasn't in tha process of poppin this kid out, I'd jump yer ass."

He laughed, an' a little of tha tension went outta him. It came back when I whooped an' tore at tha sheets again. When that contraction was ovah, I dropped some rags, pantin, "Well, we'll have confetti ta throw when Lump finally arrives." I looked at Ace. "I feel like I should be pushin, but there's nothin ta push with."

"Joxer?" Joxer went to Ace. "You're the God of Peace--try to make him as peaceful as possible."

Joxer nodded. "Cupid, raise him up a little." Cupid slipped an arm undah me an' helped me sit up a little. I was kinda afraid that it would give Lump ideas, an' she'd start shovin again. Joxer slipped behind me, an' when I was lowahed my head an' shouldahs were supported in his lap, an' he started rubbin little circles on my temples.

"Hera, see if you can't feed Strife a little power. Childbirth is hard enough on women, he can use all the extra energy he can get." Hera materiealized a chair at tha foot of tha bed, flexed her fingahs, an' spread 'em toward me. I felt an all ovah tingle, an' suddenly I felt like I could kick my way through tha wall. Might notta been tha best idea, though, cause when tha next contraction hit I dug in my heels, bowed my back, an' almost levitated off tha bed.

Cupid cried out, "Ace!"

I felt a trickle of warmth curvin ovah tha bottom of my stomach, an' looked down. Blood had welled up in tha dimple of my belly button, seeped out, an' was drippin. "Oh, fuck."

I felt Joxer reachin out with his power to both Cupe an' me, an' Ace was sayin, "Don't worry. A little blood is natural for this."

"Natural by what standards?! Shit!" I didn't have long ta worry about tha blood, cause it had thinned ta pink, an' then clear, an' alluva sudden my bellybutton was a freakin' spring. My butt was in tha biggest wet spot I'd evah seen, an' I hadn't even had tha fun of makin it tha old fashioned way.

"It's all right--your water just broke," Asclepius said calmly. He waved his hand an' I had a dry bed again. "Hang on, Strife, it's really going to start now."

"It gets worse? Oh, shit!"

It got worse. I felt like I was gonna explode. I've done pain, 'kay? This took it ta a whole different level. But somehow it was easiah ta stand than all tha crap that had come before in my life, cause I knew that when this was ovah, I was gonna have a miracle.

I looked at Cupid, an' said, "Cupe, don't cry!"

"I can't help it. Babe, I'm so sorry. I'm the one who did this to you."

"Yah." He was wearing those sexy straps that cross ovah his chest, so he can sling his quivah on, an' I caught them an' dragged him down for a kiss. "An' I love ya for it, but you're carryin tha next one, stud."

"You're dilating, Strife," Ace said.

I peeked down. Tha bellybutton had spread, an' I saw somethin dark an' wet appear in tha center, then disappeahed. "Ooo." My eyelids flickahed. Hera materialized a glass of wine an' offahed it ta me. "I can't--I'm pregnant."

"Not for long, and you need this. Drink it." I gulped it down. It helped a little.

Demeter brought a basin, an' Asclepius washed all around tha spot. "Not much longer, Strife. I need you to relax as much as possible." I started ta open my mouth, an' he said, "I know, I know--this isn't a relaxing situation. Just try."

I tried. I think I only screamed half-volume when tha next pain came. When it was ovah I said, "Someone but a silence barrier around this room. I don't want Bliss bein scared."

"I'm sure Dad took care of it, love," Cupid soothed.

Tha little space opened up about tha size of a dinar tha next time, an' I could see that tha dark object pushin up was coated with dark, wet hair. I panted like Cerebus durin a heat wave. Ace said that was good--somethin he called 'locomotive breathin'. I swore that he'd bettah get his followahs workin on somethin safe ta kill tha pain fah whoevah else had kids in centuries ta come.

This time a little dome pushed up. It looked kinda like I had half a coconut shell sittin on my belly. "I think one or two more, Strife. Once the head is free, I can ease the rest of the baby out."

"Don't you go jerkin my kid around, Ace," I gasped. "I'll kick yer ass when I can stand again if ya ain't careful."

"He doesn't mean it," murmured Joxer.

"The fuck he doesn't," growled Eris.

Then came anothah big contraction. I could feel Lump pushin up, an' I yelled, closin my eyes. But when Ace cried, "Here it comes!", I looked again.

It was weird. A little head, about tha size of both of my fists pressed tagetha, slowly oozed up inta sight. I couldn't see tha face, cause Lump's back was ta me, but it looked like tha bellybutton pulled tight again right undah Lump's chin. "Hurry up, before Lump strangles," I cried.

"Calm down, Strife. Lump is still breathing through the umbilical cord." Ace gently put his hands on eithah side of tha little head. Anothah contraction came, an' tiny shouldahs appeahed.

I started gigglin. Everyone looked at me funny. "I can't help it! Lump's ticklin me!"

Ace peered closah. "Ah, yes. That would be the wings."

"Wings?" Cupe grinned. I punched him on tha arm.

Ace pressed one fingah down at tha side, an' hooked it undah one little arm, an' tugged gently, an' tha baby slid out as smooth as spittin out a greased melon seed. One second Lump was between my insides an' this world--tha next I was deflated, an' had a warm, moist little mass wigglin face down on my belly.

I sorta melted inta tha mattress, dimly hearin cheers from tha othahs in tha room. My hands came up an' I touched my baby fah tha first time. I felt that slippery, stickiness, an' all at once what Hera had said about fergettin tha pain made sense. I looked ovah at Cupe, an' I know I had a huge, dumb-ass grin on my face. "Cupe, I did it!"

He kissed me, hard. "You sure did, baby! You sure did."

Asclepius said, "Strife, Cupid, Eris... Listen carefully. I have to make the baby cry to help clear out the lungs. Do not, repeat, do not blast me!" He spatted Lump on tha little pink butt, an' there was an immediate, indignant wail. Tiny wings unfurled an' flapped angrily.

We all started laughin. "That's my kid, all right," I gasped.

"We need to get the cord cut, then get the afterbirth out. I hope you expell naturally Strife, but I suppose I can pull it out if I have to."

Aphrodite had materialized a silver cord an' a little pair of real sharp gold scissors. "Ready."

"I'm going to tie it off, then Cupid, would you like to cut the cord?"

He looked a little anxious. "I won't mess it up?"

"It's simple. Just snip where I show you." Ace had tha warm, wet cloth again, an' was wipin Lump down. Tha little wings turned out ta be silvery grey, an' tha hair (lotsa hair) was dark brown, but... There was somethin else I couldn't quite put my fingah on, cause I was a little distracted. Ace turned Lump ovah, an' smiled at me. "Strife, you have a daughter."

Aphrodite squealed an' clapped her hands. She loved Bliss ta distraction, but let's face it--every grandma wants a little girl ta dress up. Cupid leaned down an' kissed me again. He whispered, "I love you, Strife."

I caught tha back of his neck an' whispahed inta his mouth, "Love ya, too, Cupe. I didn't mean it about you havin ta have tha next one. Course I don't think we need any more for a century or two."

Asclepius had tied tha silver cord tightly around tha ropey thing that ran from where Lump's belly button would be back ta mine. He handed tha scissors ta Cupid an' pointed ta a spot a couple of inches from tha knot. "One clean snip." Cupe did it as neat as ya please, an' Lump was officially a separate little person in her own right.

I let Demeter take Lump just long enough ta get her tha rest of tha way cleaned up, While that was happenin, tha rest of the birth stuff kinda pooped out. I'd really like ta ferget that part, but it was ovah pretty quick, an' Ace said it all went accordin ta schedule. By tha time Demeter brought tha baby back, wrapped in a clean cloth, my belly button was already shrinkin back toward normal size, an' there was no bleedin or leakin.

Joxer moved away, a bunch pillows were materialized, an I was propped up against 'em, then they laid Lump in my arms.

I'm a god, so technically, I deal with miracles all tha time, right? No contest here.

This was, without a doubt, tha most beautiful infant tha world had evah seen. Well, okay, Bliss tied. I just stared at Lump in awe. Ace was sayin somethin about how she didn't have that squashed newborn look, since she hadn't had ta push her way through any boney passages. Yah, her skull was pretty an' round, not that slightly lopsided thing most new babies have. At least I thought it was. Tha actual head shape was kinda hard ta see for all tha hair. It fell ovah her ears an down tha back of her neck, as soft an' silky as milkweed, but it was a deep brown, an'... Now I realized what it was that I hadn't been able ta grasp when she was being born. There was a faint green tinge to it. An' the silvery wings had a little bit of a green sheen to 'em, too. Then she opened her eyes an' looked at me solemnly. "Ace, ain't all babies s'posed ta have blue eyes?"

"Yes, at first. If they're going to be a different color, they change gradually."

"Tell that ta Lump. Look."

He bent ovah. "Well, I'll be damned. I've never seen that before."

"What is it?" Cupe asked anxiously. "Is there something wrong with her eyes?"

"Nah. I, fah one, like green eyes. You have green eyes--sometimes."

I heard someone clear their throat, an' looked ovah. Eris shuffled her feet. Her eyes were really big. She had her hands tucked behind her back, like she was worried she was gonna hurt somethin. I've nevah heard my mom sound humble, but she came close. "Can I see her, Strife?"

"Ya wanna hold her, Ma?"

She turned pale, then flushed. "Strife, I... I don't know if I..." I held out tha bundle. She looked at Cupid, an' he nodded. She came closer, reachin out, then pulled back, whisperin, "Are you sure?"

"Take her. She wants her gran'ma."

Eris carefully took Lump from me. As she pulled tha baby close, her armor changed inta a soft linen toga, an she brought Lump in close against her chest, then stared down at her. "So beautiful," she whispered. She glanced up at me, smilin. "She looks just like you did, Strife."

Cupid squeezed my arm. "Strife, she..."

"I know." I could see tha shiny tracks makin their way down each of my mothah's cheeks.

"You said she didn't."

"Guess she just nevah ran inta tha right situation before. Why don'tcha go tell 'Res an' Bliss? Zeus is gonna be here any minute now, an' I want them ta see Lump first."

He left an' was back in a minute. Ares came back in with his arm around Cupe, grinnin like nobodies business. I had a feelin that tha world might know a remarkably peaceful time, for at least a coupla days. Eris handed Lump back ta me, an' Bliss pattered ovah an' stood by tha bed on tiptoe, tryin for a bettah look at that baby. "Did Lump decide to be a boy or a girl?"

"Lump's a girl, kiddo. Figures, what with her bein late, huh?" All tha goddesses rolled their eyes, but I winked at them. "An' we need anothah name. We can't very well have Lump, Goddess of Whatevah. I gotta suggestion." I leaned ovah an' whispahed in Cupid's ear.

He smiled. "I like it. How did you come up with it?"

"It was an alias I used when we was *ahem* courtin." I smiled at Bliss. "Bliss, say hello ta yer new little sistah, Impetua--most likely ta be know affectionately as Imp."

Ares an' Hera shook their heads. Ares said, "Well, I suppose that's probably going to be a very appropriate nickname for your child, Strife."

Bliss leaned ovah an kissed Imp, barely brushin his lips ovah her hair. He stuck out his chest importantly. "Ise a big brother now!" He strutted. "Ise gonna take care of Imp. I'll teach her how to fly when she gets bigger, and how to swim, and how to climb trees, and..."

"Whoa, slow down, kiddo! She ain't gonna be ready for any of that for awhile. Howsabout startin out with things like helpin sing ta her an' tell stories?"

He nodded. "Oh, sure! That's important."

"You betcha."

Flash!

"I'd like to thank you all so much for informing me of the arrival of my newest great-grandchild."

Ares rolled his eyes. "We knew that if you didn't see it in the scrying pool, Apollo or Hermes would've gotten word to you."

"Be that as it may, common courtesy... ahh!" He came an' leaned ovah, chuckin Imp undah tha chin. I felt Imp's little wings wiggle undah tha blanket, an' she squinted her green eyes up at tha old goat suspiciously. Smart kid. "What have you named her?"

Cupid an' I chorused. "Impetua."

Zeus chuckled. "Very appropriate." Uh-oh.

Aftah havin a good look at Impetua, I had a good idea what was comin, but I swear, as sharp as Cupe is, I don't think he did. Zeus waved his hand, an' tha room was suddenly full. I think he musta expanded it some for tha occasion, cause he fit in everyone on Olympus, an' a few choice mortals. I saw Xena an' tha Gabster, Jerkules an' Iolaus off in tha back.

Zeus raised his voice, "Quiet, please, people. This will only take a moment. I'll be brief, because Strife needs his rest, and I'm sure the little family would like some privacy to get acquainted with their new member. I am proud to announce a new deity. Gods and Goddesses, Muses and Fates, divinities and mortals, allow me to formally present to you the child of Love and Mischief--Impetua..." He smiled, I held my breath *IhopeIhopeIhope* "...Goddess of Jealousy."

There was a stunned silence. I cackled, huggin Impetua. "That's my girl!"
I grinned at Cupid. His stunned look was givin way ta a warm smile. "So, it's gonna be kinda hard ta choose who she goes with on 'Take Yer Daughtah Ta Work Day', ain't it?"
- 9
- 10
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Tha Birds an tha Bees an' All That Othah Good Shit