RELEASE TO OBLIVION

Alex, briefly confused, woke up to the sunlight streaming through Bobby's window. She moved tentatively and realized she couldn't quite determine where she began and Bobby ended, or where he ended and she began. She reluctantly disconnected herself from Bobby's arms and legs and raised her body to look down at him. She had never seen him so quiet, so peaceful. Part of the illusion was that his eyes, usually so intense and alive, were closed, but Alex believed the serenity emanated from deep within Bobby. His large, expressive hands were still, and Alex yearned for their touch. "I wish he hadn't been tired," she thought, "I wish we had..." The

proper part of her brain, the section trained by nuns and that had the NYPD regulations memorized, raised its gly head and shouted, "No...he's your partner...it's orbidden!"



But a larger, stronger section of her brain noted, You've already probably violated an entire chapter of egulations...and you know, girl, you know what he is." Alex frowned. "Soulmate...you're lucky girl...you've got one and you've found him...and he's a

available...he may be royally screwed up, but he's a good man..." Alex's mind rewound a dinner she had recently with her sister and sisters-in-law--the "Eames Sewing and Drinking Club" they called it, although very little sewing occurred and the drinking was regulated by who was pregnant and/or driving--where the discussion centered on whether men could be friends with women. Bobby had dropped her off and spent a few moments at the restaurant, long enough to playfully flirt with her female relatives. At the end of a long debate on their husbands and brothers' male and female friends, Alex's sister declared that some lucky people had soulmates and that relationship had nothing to do with gender or sex. "But for the really, really lucky people," she said, "it is the person you love and want to spend all day in bed with." One of her sisters in law insisted that Bobby was Alex's soulmate. Alex had dismissed the idea at the time, but now, staring at Bobby, she realized it was true. "And I'm one of the really lucky ones," she thought. "I love him."



Bobby stirred and rolled onto his back. "Move, girl," Alex's inner voice told her, and she carefully slipped out of bed. She tiptoed into the bathroom, took care of her body's requirements, and moved to the living room. She opened the blinds and door of the large

window, and then began opening doors in the kitchen. "Where's the coffee," Alex thought with the impatience of the caffeine addict, and looked in the refrigerator. There wasn't much there, but the cinnamon flavored brew Bobby had given her several months earlier, or at least another package of it, fortunately was in temporary residence. Alex grabbed it and started the coffeemaker.



Soon after both realized their partnership would work, in addition to exchanging emergency use keys, Alex and Bobby had placed a change of clothes at each other's apartments. Alex found her gymn bag where she had left it in Bobby's hall closet. She retrieved it, glanced in at Bobby, and headed into the shower.



Bobby felt Alex's warm, soft, pliant body beneath his hands. They were moaning into each other's mouths, their hands roaming over their bodies. They were near a waterfall...a beach...no...where was that smell of cinnamon coming from? Bobby opened his eyes to the sight of Alex Eames placing a cop of coffee on his bedside table.



"Good morning, you policeman."



Bobby pulled himself with some effort to a sitting position. His back still hurt and the memory of last night struck him. He couldn't meet Alex's eyes.



"Hey, drink up...you're as addicted to this as I am." Alex plopped on the bed.



Bobby took a careful sip of the coffee. "He's retreating," Alex thought. "He's putting the fences up..."



"Bobby, look at me." She put her hand on his arm-he started. "You did nothing wrong...well, putting youself in danger was...but nothing else, ok? It's all right."



He cautiously looked at her over his cup. "I...it's..."



"I know...what you said last night...one night doesn't change everything...but it's a start...it is a start?" Alex found herself holding her breath for his answer.



Bobby exhaled and looked her in the eye. "Yea...it's a start...thank you."



She smiled at him and Bobby felt his heart open. "Get moving...we both have the day off and I'll take breakfast in lieu of some of those margaritas you owe me."



While Bobby showered Alex called her father to report on the status of his Mustang.



"Lex, good to hear from you. How's my baby?" Her father was cheerful.



"The car is fine, Dad," Alex replied and heard her father chuckle. "Bobby was extremely

impressed...didn't even mind being folded like an accordion in the seat."



"How was the banquet? Your partner behave himself?"



"He was extremely good," Alex replied. Her father had met Bobby only a few times, but had been very impressed by her partner's intelligence and reassured by his size. "He gave everyone credit but himself."



"He's a good cop...hey, you should invite him to the cookout this afternoon...There'll be enough cops to make him feel at home...and enough guys talking about cars to make him happy."



Alex frowned. "Well...I'll ask him, Dad, but I'm not promising anything..."



As Alex said goodby Bobby emerged from the bedroom. He hadn't bothered to shave, and his still wet hair was rumpled. He was dressed in jeans and a plaid shirt, and Alex thought he looked wonderful.



"You look great," she said.



He looked at her shyly. "So...do you...sleep really helps..." Alex could see Bobby fighting between locking the fences to his mind and opening them to her. She took a deep breath.



"I got a proposal for you, Bobby."



"What?"



"There's a cookout today at my brother's...lots of the Eames horde and their friends...my Dad would like to see you again...and I'd like the company."



Bobby stood frozen. One side of his head wanted to follow Alex anywhere, while the other wanted to retreat into its darkest corners.



"C'mon, Bobby...you need to get out...I need the company..." Alex had an inspiration. "And you can drive the Mustang."



Bobby's eyes lit up.



The day went well. Bobby slid behind the Mustang's wheel with the joy of a child on Christmas morning and drove it reverently. At her brother's Bobby moved with the flow, listening to her father's and siblings' stories, wrestling with her nieces and nephews, and even taking a turn behind the grill. He admired the two cars in states of repair and renovation in the garage and impressed Alex's family with his suggestions for them. He took his turn wheeling her mother around the yard and sat patiently with her for a long conversaton. Bobby appeared uncomfortable only when his recent award was mentioned, but even Alex's father kept his congratulatory comments to a minimum.



Bobby seemed to genuinely regret their departure. "So," Alex asked as she steered on to the highway, "are you upset at leaving my family or at not having the Mustang?"



Bobby gave a half smile. "I had...had a good time, Alex. Thank you."



A silence, not entirely uncomfortable, settled over them. As they neared Manhattan Bobby finally spoke. "This visit...it kept us from having to talk about..."



"Us," Alex said quietly.



"Us." Bobby couldn't bring himself to look at her. "Alex...leaving aside all the problems we ...we have with the department...There's me...I..." He struggled.



Alex carefully switched lanes and pulled to the side of the road. "Bobby," she said quietly. "I think it's worth fighting for...you're worth it...I think..." Alex gripped the steering wheel. "I think this is more than just romance or sex or ...or love...I think...as stupid as it sounds...I think we're soulmates...I think we're connected in some way..."



Alex turned back on the highway, and Bobby remained silent throughout the trip to his apartment. Alex pulled up in front of his building and turned to him. Bobby took a moment, and with a decisive shift of his body, looked at her.



"You need to know what you're getting into," he said. "You have tomorrow off, too?"



"Yes," Alex said.



"Will...will you come with me to see my Mom tomorrow?"



______________________________________________________



Alex gazed out of her window for the hundreth time. She paced back and forth, wondering if she was about to make one of the greatest mistakes of her life. "I'm afraid," Alex thought. "I'm afraid...afraid of what this could do to Bobby...to me...I'm afraid of his mom..." Alex sighed. She knew something about mental illness--the department provided her with a basic knowledge and in her years on the force Alex had seen relentless examples of troubled minds. And Bobby's

knowledge had spread to her. She knew mentally ill people were much more likely to be the victims of crimes then the instigators; she knew that most mentally ill people could be helped by medications. But logic and knowledge failed to drown the spark of fear in her mind.



"It's worse for him," Alex thought. "What it took for Bobby to ask me to do this...if he can do that...I can do this." For the hundreth and first time she looked out the window. This time she saw Bobby drive up. Fearing that he might still change his mind, Alex grabbed her coat and purse and ran out of her apartment.



Bobby sat in his car, the engine running, in front of Alex's apartment. His mood was as dark as the day was beautiful. He had gotten very little sleep the night before and had nearly called Alex a dozen times to tell her to forget the whole thing. He had considered turning away from her apartment at every corner on the drive to her place, and now, even after buying her a coffee and roll, he was seriously contemplating gunning the engine and getting out of town.



Before he could put the plan in action, Alex, breathless and anxious, appeared at the passenger

door. Bobby reached over and opened it, and Alex dropped into her seat. He put the car in drive.



"There's some coffee and one of those cinnamon rolls you like," Bobby said.



"Thanks," Alex replied. She busied herself with the roll and the coffee as Bobby drove and

occasionally took a sip from his own cup.



"No roll for you?" she asked trying to break the awkward silence.



Bobby shook his head. "I...usually don't feel like eating much on these trips..."



A heavy blanket of silence fell over the car. Alex had no idea what to say. Several miles went by before Bobby finally spoke.



"I'm sorry, Alex...I'm not used to having company..."



Alex turned to look at him. "Maybe...you could tell me what to expect?"



Bobby locked the steering wheel in a death grip. "That's the biggest problem...I don't know what to expect..."



Several more miles of silence went by before he spoke again. "Sometimes... she's, she's sedated or exhausted from a bad night. Sometimes she's listening to or screaming at the voices in her head...Sometimes she thinks I'm my brother...or my dad...that can be bad if she thinks I'm my dad just before he left and just uncomfortable when she thinks I'm my dad when they first met...Sometimes she begs me to take her home..." He stared down the road. "The worst times are when she knows who she is and who I am and where she is and why she's there..."



Alex asked softly, "Is she violent?"



Bobby shook his head. "Not often...and rarely against anyone else...although she's taken some swings at me..."



Bobby slowed down for the exit. "I usually stop up here." He indicated a gas station just up the road. "When I leave...I don't want to waste time getting gas..."



At the station Alex replenished her coffee and wondered if she should buy a gift for Bobby's mother. Bobby was about to pay for the gas, and she turned to him. "I feel bad--I'm empty handed."



"Don't worry," he said quietly. "There's stuff in the trunk, including some flowers."



"Are we very close?" Alex asked when they were in the car.



Bobby nodded. Alex thought he had the haunted look of a prisoner.



"What...what's it like, Bobby? Carmel Ridge?"



A few moments passed before he answered. "It's an institution...as these places go it's a good

one...it's more like a hospital than anything else...the staff is very good and they try...but it's an institution and no one wants to be there."



____________________________________________________



"Bobby, please! Slow down!" Alex finally exploded after a half hour of enduring Bobby's driving. He glared at her, but eased his foot off the gas. "Now I don't ever want to let you drive," Alex said.



"Don't, Alex...just don't..."



"Look..." Alex struggled to find something to say to ease the atmosphere. "Look, it wasn't the easiest time I've had...but it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be."



Bobby jerked the wheel and pulled the car to a stop in a shower of rocks and dirt. He yanked the door open and bolted from the car. Alex followed him. Bobby strode back and forth on the roadside. He alternated rubbing the back of his neck with his hand with driving his palms into his eyes.



"Bobby...look...you can trust me...two nights ago..." Alex felt she was grabbing at straws. "The other night you opened up to me...I didn't hurt or judge you then...I'm not going to now."



He turned to her. "Sometimes...I hate her so much...the things she did...the things she didn't do." Bobby was in agony. "And then...I hate myself...it's not her fault...she doesn't want to be..." He tried to spin away, stumbled, and fell to his knees.



Alex rushed to him but was stopped by his outstretched hand. "Bobby," she said cautiously, "your hand is bleeding---you've scraped it on the pavement."



He stared at the hand and staggered to his feet. Alex stepped up to him and gently took his arm. "C'mon," she said, "it's cold out here." She guided him back to the car and sat him in the passenger seat.



"You got a first aid kit in here, Bobby?" He jerked his head to the back seat. Alex found the kit and cleaned and bandaged his hand. Bobby sat with his eyes closed.



"The pain," Alex whispered, "you're using it again..."



Bobby's eyes jerked awake. "It's ok...remember..." Alex placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'm not

judging...I'm your partner...your friend..."



He looked at her for a long time and then handed the car keys to her. "Can you drive?"



The car was silent during the drive to the city. Alex pulled into an alley behind her building and parked Bobby's car in a spot. Bobby gave her a puzzled look. "Secret spot--the super likes the fact I'm a cop," Alex said. Bobby reached into the back seat and picked up a box.



"You...you forgot this at my place." Bobby held the box out to her.



Alex recognized the box containing Bobby's medal. She stared into his eyes. "Robert Goren," she said as evenly as she could, "if you want to give me that, you've got to come up to my apartment."



End Chapter Ten