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Occupation of the Mind	By : Jack-O-Lantern Category: Star Trek > Deep Space 9 Views: 666 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: DS9, nor the characters from it (save for the OC I created within the bounds of the established universe). I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Chapter Nine
I felt dreamy and light. Brightness blinded me as my eyes drifted open.
“He’s coming ‘round,” a soft voice said. A face came into focus above me. “Thank god. You gave us quite a scare.” Dr. Bashir gave a close-lipped smile, but it didn’t look happy.
I sat up. “Take it easy. Slowly now.” I gazed around the infirmary. Down at my hands. They were shaking. My breath came faster. I sobbed. The doctor hushed me. “It’s alright. Deep breaths. You’re going to be fine.” I was still here. How did I fail? After all the trouble I went through…
Doctor Bashir was talking to me, but my thoughts were racing so fast, my emotions so turbulent, I couldn’t focus. He sounded like white noise far away as the confusion and despair welled up, trickled down over my cheeks, and moaned into my hands.
“No, I—What did I do wrong? I should be—” My own sobbing interrupted me.
“The Cardassian implant I found previously…it’s not just a tracker. It appears that it monitors your vitals and signals when you’re in mortal danger. It’s synced up to the Commander’s station and personal quarters—we didn’t draw the connection last time, because the initial location showed the holosuite and it was assumed it had something to do with the failed safeties, not your implant. This time, when your vitals diminished due to low oxygen count, it sent out an alert to the Commander’s quarters. It provided your location so we were able to respond barely in time. We were lucky you chose not to remove it.” If only I had chosen to remove it… If only I had not been so overcome by apathy at my ownership, I could have succeeded. If it sent an alert to the Commander’s Quarters…that meant Gul Dukat knew about it. He must have had me chipped to ensure my safety when he was here…
“Why won’t you just let me go? This could have been over for everybody…”
“We’re going to help you.” I wasn’t worth any of this. My embarrassment was unspeakable.
“Why would you do this? I was ready to go, I made all the preparations. I’m not worth anything. There is no one to miss me. Why would you save me?”
“Because. We all think you’re worth saving.”
“You don’t know me,” I sobbed, “and there’s nothing to know. I’m just a place holder. There’s nothing to me.”
“That’s not true. And life is a precious gift. It’s not my area of expertise, but I think you’re just struggling to move on after everything you’ve been through. It takes time to heal and it’s not always easy.”
“My story is the story of the planet. If that was so, then everyone should be exactly as I am.”
“Everyone’s experiences are different and everyone’s unique. You can’t judge yourself based on others. You deserve a life, a chance to experience this newfound freedom. It’s finally yours. Let us help you find a new path for yourself. Don’t give up,” he pleaded with me.
“But I don’t belong here.”
“You do. It’s just going to take some work to finally feel that way.”
“I’m not worth the effort.” He didn’t understand. I’d already given up. It didn’t matter if he was right. I was far beyond saving. I just wanted to go and have it all be over.
“That’s not true. And it’s our goal to be even more stubborn than you on this subject.” He tried to offer me an encouraging smile, but I was too far away for it to reach. “Now rest. For your safety, we’re going to have you under observation for a little while.” I looked away.
“Okay.”
-*-
I lied in my cell under the fluorescent lighting for hours disturbed intermittently by medical staff. I was offered food, but had no appetite. I felt completely lost. I had written my final chapter only for it to be extended. I was living endless blank pages, nothing more to write on them, wondering what I was going to do now.
As I stared at the wall on my side, gently stroking it with my fingertips, Odo’s voice spoke up behind me, “Are you up for a visitor?” I rolled over to look at him. “It’s Quark.” I shook my head.
“Just tell him I’m sorry I didn’t succeed. If I hadn’t had been saved, this would all be over and I wouldn’t be trouble to anyone anymore.” Odo paused and finally gave a nod before disappearing. I turned back towards the wall.
I heard raised voices, muffled in another room. I recognized one as Quark. Then the yelling became much clearer as I heard rapid footsteps.
“What the hell were you thinking?” I flinched and turned to see Quark glaring at me from the other side of the force field.
“Quark!” Odo stalked up as he got right next to the field. “He said,” Odo grabbed him, “he doesn’t want to see you.” Quark shrugged and jerked against Odo’s hold.
“Get off me, you busybody!”
“You’ll leave unless you want to be thrown in here with him.”
“Just leave him,” I said loud enough to be heard. “It’s fine.” Odo looked at Quark, then released him.
“If you change your mind, just call me.” Quark stared after him then turned to me again.
“Why would you do that?” The answer was obvious to me, but I could not put it into words, so I said nothing. “I told you not to pull a stunt like this and what do you do?” he throws his hands up.
“I told you. You’re not liable for me. And this is exactly why I need to go away. I made you mad. I’m disappointing. I can’t be like a normal person. I never will be. I feel hollow and empty and I realized: that will never change. I thought I’d find the answer here. But the answer is: I’m not supposed to be anywhere anymore. I’m worthless Quark. Surely you can see that… You just took pity on me, and I truly thank you for everything. You gave me far more than I deserved.” The tears started again. They seemed endless.
“Listen, if I thought you were worthless, I wouldn’t have hired you. I can’t get Rom to do half as well as you. You might not be Ferengi, but you’re a good employee. You’re also loyal and honest. Think I find that anywhere else? My own brother would stab me in the back in given the chance!” I pressed my forehead against the heel of my palm. “Look. You can have your job back at any time. Please come back. Good help is so hard to find.”
“Quark…I don’t think I can. I want to make you happy, but I just can’t. I’ve got nothing left to give. I don’t know what I’m going to do. This is the only path I can see for myself. But if you all don’t let me die, then…I don’t know.” I clasped my hands between my knees. “I was going to give your money back. When I died.” He pointed to his chest.
“My money?”
“The money I earned working for you. It was yours to begin with. I left a note telling them to return it to you, but they came too early. I didn’t know they were monitoring my life signs, and I’m not brave enough to do significant damage myself. I know what you said about your holosuites, so I didn’t do it there. Though it would have been easier.” Quark turned to look at an adjoining wall and backed up until his back touched the opposite one.
“I don’t think I’ve ever had to turn down an offer for free money before. I’m having an identity crisis…” He glanced down and shook his head. “Why do you wanna do it so bad?” I picked at the hem of my vest. “It’s Dukat, isn’t it?” I stopped. “I noticed he likes to meet up with you on his rendezvous here. Not that it’s my business.” How could he know? I never told him anything about my troubles with him. I hadn’t even told Dr. Bashir much. He couldn’t possibly know. He’s just guessing. “I know you were one of his favorites. I used to see him walking around with you.” My heart squeezed. He can’t. Did that mean…he knew? Did he really know what he’d been doing to me? “C’mon…talk to me.” I shook my head, and hugged myself, sniffling. “Let us help you.”
“There’s nothing to help… Just let me go.” Quark looked over his shoulder at Odo.
“Come on,” he hissed, slapping his hand against the wall.
The field fell. Quark slid onto the cot opposite me. “Give us a chance to help you.”
“There’s nothing to help. I don’t matter. Nobody understands that but, I have no worth. I’m hardly a person. Stop wasting your time on me. Just let me go. Please.”
“What did he do to you? Why do you want to die so badly? Huh?” He wrestled my hands away from my arms and into his own.
“I’m just a worthless person. I have no future.”
“That’s not true.”
“You don’t have to pretend. It’s okay,” I sniffle. I flinch as he hisses.
“Fool. You think I’d be going through all this trouble over someone that didn’t matter?” I glanced up at him. “I have better things I could be doing. The bar’s probably burning down as we speak. I’m here because this matters.” My fingers twitch against his.
“Why..? I should mean nothing to you…” He sighs and pats my hand.
“Tell me what I can do.” He said such nice thing, but somehow he still seemed so far away.
“I don’t know…”
It occurred to me the next day that Gul Dukat had likely tried to contact me. And of course, I wasn’t there to answer. I couldn’t let him to go on, trying in vain to get in touch wiht me, inventing all sorts of reasons for my absence in his head which would bear heavy consequences.
I spoke with Odo. I asked him to pass the message along: that I couldn’t be contacted, that I wasn’t ignoring him. I wondered what sort of questions Gul Dukat might have. I wondered what they might tell him. I wondered what I’d do now that I’d been stopped. They’d never let me follow through, but I have no more use for this life.
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Occupation of the Mind