Angel

ANGEL

ANGEL

By
Morticia
 
40 - 42/6
****WARNING
– DEATH OF MAJOR CHARACTER ****
Part 40

THE DOCTOR
Three days before
the intended attempt to traverse the wormhole back to the Alpha Quadrant, I
sat in my office in sickbay, carefully watching Tom treating a minor injury
through the window, and contemplated my uncertain future.
The Captain had
assured me that my program had developed toh anh an extent that I would now
be considered self-aware. I would be treated as a new life form. I wouldn’t
be decompiled and replaced by a more modern program.
I wanted to believe
her, of course, but there were no guarantees. There was no way of knowing what
would happen to me. She had quoted the example of Captain Picard’s successful
legal defense of the android Data in an effort to quell my fears.
HoweHowever, the fact
that there had been people in Starfleet prepared to claim him as property in
the first place, confirmed my suspicion that everyone would not automatically
accept me as having a right to be considered a ‘person’.
When all was said
and done, I was just a computer program, by now probably a badly out of date
one. In addition to my concern regarding my continued existence, I was also
aware that our return would make me effectively redundant. I might spend the
rest of my existence as a mere curiosity. Expected to perform for an audience
just to justify my inclusion in any human gathering.
I had little expectation
of the return to the Alpha Quadrant being of benefit to my own life. I supposed
that was why I identified so closely with Tom Paris. Like me he was wandering
around in a complete daze, with obviously no hope of future happiness.

He was still technically
off duty and was registered as my patient. However I had been unable to concentrate
on my own duties as he sat silently in the corner of sickbay each day, waiting
for Alpha Shift to finish so that Harry could collect him again. It was painfully
reminiscent of the months he had spent waiting for Chakotay to fetch him after
shift when he had been paralyzed.
Yet even during
the long, terrible year of his incarceration in sickbay, his presence had been
less distracting to me. During his paralysis his mind had always been aware,
he had constantly griped and complained, he had fought my ministrations every
step of the way, and yet in retrospect that had been far easier to deal with
than his current complete apathy.
So I had put him
to work. Gently at first, just cleaning up and calibrating instruments. There
were far too many lethal opportunities in sickbay to let him do anything unattended.
But as the days went on and he showed no intention of harming himself again,
I began to give him a little more responsibility, gradually easing him back
into his role as my assistant.
For years I had
complained about his irreverent attitude, his inappropriate witticisms and his
failure to take his part-time role as my assistant seriously. Now he was the
perfect, compliant worker I had always wanted.
I hated it.

I would have given
anything just to see the smallest spark of rebellion or to hear the smallest
complaint. The Tom Paris I knew had disappeared to be replaced by a soulless
obedient automaton. Captain Picard himself would have a hard time proving that
Tom was still self-aware.
Every morning,
Tuvok took Tom for a counseling session, returning him an hour later even more
subdued. I was beginning to have severe doubts whether the counseling was a
good idea. Whatever Tom and Tuvok discussed in these sessions only seemed to
increase Tom’s general apathy.
I was positive
that Tuvok was taking the wrong approach, that Tom needed to face Chakotay and
talk things through. Everyone seemed to have forgotten the months of devotion
Chakotay had spent in this very room, cleaning and dressing Tom, forcing him
to face life as a quadriplegic, never allowing him to give up. In my opinion,
no one could be that caring of someone that they didn’t love.
I clearly remembered
the day Chakotay had proposed to Tom. I had seen the rapturous look on his face.
I had never seen such unholy joy on another face before or since. I was convinced
that Tom and Chakotay belonged together, no matter what had happened between
them.
Tuvok, on the other
hand, believed that Tom was better off without Chakotay and his reinforcing
of this opinion to the vulnerable young man only seemed to be sucking out what
little life remained in the pilot.
I had just decided
to put my foot down and make an official complaint about the treatment of Tom
when an explosion rocked the ship and the emergency medical klaxon sounded.

"Medical emergency"
screamed an unfamiliar voice from the comm. even as people started to materialize
in sickbay carrying badly burned crewmembers.
As I rushed to
help, I saw Tom hovering uncertainly, his face blank with shock.

"Lieutenant
Paris" I snapped furiously "Help these people"
He blinked in confusion
and then his gaze cleared and he was suddenly galvanized into action at my side.
Between us we got the worst of the victims into bio-beds and then as I dealt
with the worst injuries, he began to quietly administer first aid to the rest.

"What happened?"
I asked Joe Carrey furiously as he materialised with another patient. The side
of his face was blistered and his hair and uniform were singed. He was carrying
Jenny Delanney; her body was just a congealed mass of third-degree burns.

"The plasma
injector coils blew as we made the last adjustments to the warp engines. The
whole of engineering went up in flames and a wall of fire just blew through
Jeffries tube 19. The maintenance crew inside were incinerated" he gasped
through burnt lips.
"How many
casualties are there?" I asked
"I’m not sure,
maybe a dozen. Dalby and Rogers were killed instantly, B’Elanna was trapped
in Jeffries tube 22 and Chakotay went in to rescue her but neither of them came
back." Carrey cried helplessly. "I think they’re dead too!"

I looked anxiously
to see whether Tom had heard, but he was too busy running a regenerator over
Sue Nicolletti.
As I lifted Jenny
out of Carrey’s arms, I noted that it was too late, the young woman was dead.
Sadly I placed her gently on a gurney and then rushed to help the next patient.

By the time I had
managed to stabilize all of the other burn victims, the Captain had arrived.

"How many?"
She asked quietly
"Apparently
Dalby and Rogers although their bodies were completely incinerated. Jenny Delaney,
Hugh Richardson and Chell. The other patients’ injuries are treatable."
I replied
"B’Elanna
and Chakotay are still missing, Captain" Carrey said.
The Captain looked
at us both in horror but before she could speak the air shimmered with a transporter
beam and Seven materialised with B’Elanna in her arms.
The ex-Borg was
smeared with soot and blood. B’Elanna’s body dangled lifelessly from Seven’s
torn and blistered arms.
"You will
regenerate this drone," she ordered, her eyes blank with evident shock.

It was pitifully
obvious that B’Elanna was long past any help that we could give her.

"It’s too
late, Seven, B’Elanna is dead," The captain soothed
Seven backed away
in violent denial, completely maddened with grief
"This drone
will be repaired," she hissed threateningly
I reached forwards
to take the body but Seven jerked backwards out of my reach, keening plaintively.

"Please give
her to me, Seven," I murmured softly
"I will not
comply," Seven gasped desperately, tears pouring down her face, smearing
her blackened cheeks.
She didn’t see
Tom slip behind her and place the hypospray to her neck. As she collapsed, I
leapt forwards and caught B’Elanna’s body as it fell from her arms.

"Thank you,
Tom," the Captain said in surprise at his swift and positive action but
he just looked straight through her, his eyes as blank as Seven’s had been.

I had hardly placed
B’Elanna down when the sickbay doors opened and Angel staggered in with Chakotay.
For a moment, looking at the savage burns on the Commander’s face, I feared
that he too was dead.
"Quickly,
please," Angel gasped. "He’s dying"
Rushing forwards
with a tricorder I registered that Chakotay was still alive, if only just. Heat
and smoke had seared his lungs and he was barely breathing.
"Get him on
that bed" I ordered and Tom rushed forward to help Angel carry the commander.
As I quickly worked to repair Chakotay’s lungs, Tom grabbed two regenerators
and giving one to Angel showed him how to use it.
Even as I struggled
to save Chakotay’s life I was struck by the pathos of the scene. Both the men
who loved him were working side by side in an effort to repair the horrendous
burns on his hands and arms.
When I was sure
he was stabilized, I left the commander to their tender ministrations and concentrated
on my other patients.
Finally the battlefield
conditions eased. The crew with minor injuries left. Five injured people were
now safely attached to bio-beds and were stable and healing. Seven was sedated
on the sixth bed. Four covered bodies lay on gurneys in my office.

Tom and Angel were
sat either side of Chakotay’s bed, each holding one of the Commander’s hands
in quiet desperation.
The Captain turned
a tear-streaked face to me.
"How could
it happen now?" She asked, "So close to home? How could they have
survived so long only to die now? What happened? What went wrong?"

"It was my
fault, Captain" Carrey said, tears of grief and shame pouring down his
cheeks. "I ran the diagnostics on the new system. I killed them. I killed
them all. It was my fault."
I expected the
Captain to explode in anger. Instead she put a comforting hand on the engineer’s
shaking shoulders.
"If it WAS
your fault, and until we check we won’t know, then you made a mistake, Joe.
That’s all. You were dealing with an unfamiliar technology on an engine that
has been patched together for years. We need you Joe, now B’Elanna is – is gone;
we need you to get the engines back on line. You need to concentrate on that
now if we are going to get home." She replied urgently as though she could
simply order him to cease his grief.
I looked at her
in shock
"I’ve heard
the engine room has been destroyed." I reminded her.
"Most of the
damage was contained before it affected critical systems. The casualties were
due to a backdraft from the explosion. The only real damage was to flesh and
bone." She replied sadly "The new warp core is still usable."

I looked at her
in disbelief. The only way she could know those facts was if she had checked
before she arrived in sickbay. I couldn’t believe that she had actually checked
on the engine room before finding out how the crew were.
As though reading
my thoughts, she explained
"I made a
promise to get everyone home, Doctor. Despite today’s tragedy, that is exactly
what I intend to do."
"Not everyone,
Captain" I said, nodding at the gurneys significantly.
"No, not everyone"
She agreed sadly, then she shrugged and left sickbay.
I watched the doors
close behind her and simply stood in contemplation for a long time.

I was beginning
to think I was the only sane crewmember left on the ship.
 

ANGEL

 

"You saved
him"
I jerked in surprise
at Tom’s soft words. For a moment I contemplated lying, but I just couldn’t
do it.
"No I didn’t.
It was Seven. She broke though the bulkhead into the Jeffries tube to rescue
B’Elanna. I just followed her through." I admitted, remembering how I had
been frozen in terror at the sound of B’Elanna and Chakotay’s screams of anguish
as they burned.
"Oh"
he said. He was quiet for a long time before he added "Still, you brought
him back here."
"Yes"
I agreed quietly
We lapsed into
silence again, maintaining our vigil over Chakotay.
"You’re hurt,"
Tom said vaguely, some time later
I looked down in
surprise at the burns on my hands and arms. As soon as I became aware of them,
they immediately began to ache.
"Yes"
I said
He reached over
Chakotay with the regenerator and silently began to heal my burns.

"Thank you"
I said, surprised at his actions
"It’s my job."
He replied softly
"I thought
you were a pilot," I said thoughtlessly
"Not anymore"
he said sadly and I felt a dart of regret that I had inadvertently wounded him
so badly. It had been more than enough that I had returned to reclaim my beloved.
It was a shame that I had destroyed Tom’s life in the process.
"I’m sorry,"
I said, and I didn’t just mean about his job, I meant about everything.

Tom shrugged carelessly
although his face was a mask of grief.
"S’Okay. It’s
not your fault."
I couldn’t think
of an answer and Tom didn’t seem to expect one so we just sat there silently
as the hours passed. Eventually I dozed, waking to see Tom running a hand lovingly
over Chakotay’s face, tracing his tattoo with his delicate fingers. Instead
of the expected jealousy as I saw my rival stroking my beloved, I just felt
an overwhelming sense of sadness.
Tom looked at me
furtively, I feigned sleep and then watched him bend down and give Chakotay
a soft, tender kiss on the forehead and then another on his lips. I was just
deciding enough was enough when Chakotay began to stir and Tom jerked back in
guilty shock.
Chakotay’s eyes
began to flutter as he struggled back to consciousness. Tom abruptly let go
of his hand and stood up, backing slowly away from his bed. I looked at the
young man in surprise. His secret kisses had completely proven to me that his
vocal rejection of Chakotay had been just an act.
"Where are
you going, Tom?" I asked in confusion.
He looked at me
with miserable, apologetic eyes.
"I just needed
to know he was okay. I’ll go now." He mumbled and quickly walked out of
the room.
As he left, relinquishing
my beloved to me, giving up all claim, I was surprised at how hollow my victory
felt.
Especially when
Chakotay’s first waking word was "Tom?"
 

Part 41

 

TOM

"You’re still
evading my question," Tuvok said, his voice finally giving away a tinge
of irritation.
"No, I’m not,"
I replied defensively. "I just don’t see the relevance. It didn’t happen
so what’s the point of discussing it?"
"The relevance
should be obvious. In just under two hours we will be entering the wormhole.
You wish to be at the helm. I am responsible for judging whether you are fit
for duty."
"I can fly,
Tuvok. Dammit, I am the best pilot on board. No one else has even half as much
chance of getting us through, including Chakotay." I argued since he was
the Captain’s other choice for the helm.
"So, since
we are back on the topic of Chakotay, perhaps you will answer my question now."
Tuvok replied smoothly
I looked at him
with pure hate and despair.
"What the
hell do you WANT me to say?"
"Just the
truth, Tom. If the memorial service yesterday had been for him, if he had died
with B’Elanna, what would you have done? How would you have felt?"

"He didn’t
die" I repeated desperately, as I had several times already.

Why couldn’t he
understand that Chakotay’s brush with death had made no essential difference
to my own situation? I didn’t see my suicide attempt as a weakness anymore.
My life was intolerable without Chakotay. I had the right to choose to end it
if I wanted. If the only way for me to survive were to learn to hate Chakotay,
then I would rather be dead.
"But if he
had?"
"I DON’T KNOW"
I screamed
"Would you
have attempted to end your own life again?" he demanded, his hateful chain
of questioning inexorable.
I felt like I would
collapse under the unfair weight of his question. He had no right to ask me,
he had no right to make me even consider the answer. Why didn’t he realise that
the only reason I had made myself survive these past weeks was the knowledge
that I was still needed, if only for one last act. Nothing mattered to me anymore
save that one small thing.
I wanted to fly
Voyager home.
I wanted to make
sure that Chakotay was safely back in the Alpha Quadrant. I wanted to know that
he was happy. And then, well, then I would end my miserable existence.

But if I could
fly, at least I could prove to everyone that I had some value. That, in the
end, my life had had some meaning. And in convincing them with that one last
act, perhaps I could convince myself.
Everybody already
knew that I was not worthy of being loved, possibly no one would mourn my passing
but they would at least remember that I had taken them home.
Only it wasn’t
going to happen.
Looking at Tuvok’s
face I knew that now. He was a telepath; I couldn’t lie to him. I had to admit
that had Chakotay died in the fire I would not have been alive to attend the
memorial. Although I cared about the rest of the crew, it would not have been
enough reason for me to hold on any longer.
"Yes"
I admitted sadly
"Then I have
no choice but to deny your request to return to duty. The lives of the crew
cannot be put in your hands while you are still so obviously unwell."

I looked at him
angrily, I knew he was wrong. It wasn’t an illness to love someone. Even if
the pain of it felt like a festering open wound that couldn’t heal.

"There would
be no risk. Do you really think I would let anything happen to Chakotay, to
any of you?" I cried angrily
"Yes I do,
subconsciously perhaps, but yes. It would only take a moment of distraction
for a tragedy to occur. Despite my efforts to help you regain your equilibrium,
you are still unwilling to put this unhealthy relationship behind you."

"Why the hell
should I? Just because I have accepted that Chakotay and I can’t be together
doesn’t mean I can’t still love him. You’ve spent weeks trying to convince me
that I should forget he even exists and I nearly let you do it. But when he
nearly died, I had to accept that I would never stop loving him. He’s the best
thing that ever happened to me."
"I fail to
understand your logic, Tom" Tuvok scoffed and I finally snapped.

" Just because
it didn’t work out doesn’t mean I will agree to forget the love we shared. You’re
a Vulcan, Tuvok. You don’t even comprehend what love really is. I’m sick and
tired of you telling me to get over him. I don’t WANT to get over him! Don’t
you understand that the thought of flying Voyager home is the only thing that
has made me pretend that I still want to live? " I yelled
Tuvok blinked slowly

"Your comments
are illogical, Tom. Your failure to respond to my attempts to counsel you is
regrettable. I have no choice but to recommend that you are transferred to a
medical facility on our return to the Alpha Quadrant."
"You can stick
your fucking medical facility up your ass, Tuvok." I snarled furiously.

He merely raised
an eyebrow at my abuse.
"You will
be confined to sickbay for the duration of the Voyage." He said.

So now I finally
had lost everything. I wouldn’t even be on the bridge for our return home.

 

CHAKOTAY

 

I was as nervous
as hell about navigating the wormhole. I had argued vehemently against the Captain’s
decision that I should pilot the ship instead of Tom. Somehow, I just KNEW that
Tom wouldn’t let us down if he were given the chance to take the helm.

Tuvok’s suggestion
that Tom might take the opportunity to destroy the ship in a bizarre suicide
attempt was unfair and damned bloody insulting to Tom.
I may not have
always trusted Tom with my heart, but I had never failed to believe implicitly
that I could trust him with my life. Even all those years ago on Ocampa, when
we had both hated each other with such passion, he had risked his own life to
save me. And I knew, without any doubt, that now he loved me he would be doubly
certain to ensure my safety.
Yes, I knew that
he still loved me.
When I had come
to in sickbay, the Doctor had made sure that I knew every detail of how Tom
had nursed me only to run away as I woke up. I knew that there was nothing I
could say to him to make him believe that I loved him too, particularly since
Tuvok had spent the last two days keeping him away from me.
Between my own
weakness from my injuries, the grief of the memorial service and the preparations
for the journey home, I had not found a way to circumvent Tuvok’s security and
talk to Tom.
All I could do
was wait until we arrived home and then prove my feelings by refusing to let
him disembark without me. If I had to kidnap him again at that point, I would.

Assuming, of course,
that I could manage to fly us home.
Our success depended
on our being able to widen the opening with the explosion of one of our two
remaining shuttles. Gravity would immediately force the opening to close again.
In the few minutes available I would have to get Voyager from where she would
be waiting a safe distance from the explosion, through the opening and down
the worm hole before it closed like a vice and crushed us.
If Tom were flying,
I knew that he would not take it from a dead stop as I was going to do. He would
pull Voyager back and come in at breakneck speed, timing the entrance perfectly
and then "shoot the rapids" through the wormhole. It would be horrifically
dangerous but would be our best chance of success.
I was a pilot,
a damned good one to be honest, but I couldn’t achieve Tom’s death-defying wizardry
at the helm. I would have to take her slow and steady and pray that we didn’t
run out of time.
 

ANGEL

As I made the last
adjustments to the new warp coils I was painfully aware of the subdued atmosphere
in the Engine room. The absence of B’Elanna Torres was like a dark shadow over
everyone. Joe Carrey was like a wraith, flitting silently from station to stain,
grief etched in his features. He blamed himself for the accident.

Personally I was
pretty certain, in fact, that I was to blame. Although Joe had made the error,
it was I who had brought the new technology to them in the first place. My all-consuming
need to be with Chakotay had tempted me to take a prototype system and race
to the rescue. Had I waited another few months and allowed for more testing
of the technology, perhaps the explosion would never have happened.

And now, as though
the deaths of six crewmembers didn’t weigh heavily enough on me, I was going
to experience the destruction of Voyager.
Chakotay was going
to die and it would be my fault.
There was no way
that Voyager could traverse the wormhole with my beloved at the helm. As much
as I loved and admired him, I couldn’t fool myself into believing otherwise.
The only pilots who were quick enough were Tom Paris and myself.

I had the superhuman
reactions needed to travel through. I had proved that by arriving in the first
place, but it was one thing to put my own life at risk and another completely
to do it with a whole starship of people depending on me.
 

Knowing Chakotay
was stood behind me, his life in my hands, I would inevitably freeze, my damned
Heran genes would trip in and I would be incapable of flying.
So the only person
who could save us all was Tom Paris and he had been grounded.
I had inadvertently
destroyed him and in doing so had condemned us all to death.
Of course I had
shared my concerns with the Captain. Hell, I had begged her not to proceed.
But she had dismissed my fears, citing her absolute faith in Chakotay. I think
she actually believed I was talking out of spite because of the way he had ordered
me forcibly removed from sickbay when he woke after the explosion.

She didn’t realise
that there was nothing Chakotay could do that would make me hate him. No more
than Tom could do anything to harm him. Surely I thought my own vote of confidence
in Tom’s abilities would have made her listen, but she instead accused me of
wanting to set Tom up to fail so that Chakotay would turn away from him in disgust.

Since his failure
would result in everyone’s deaths it seemed a very illogical argument to me.
Yet my arrival seemed to have triggered an almost manic desire in her to get
home at all costs and no one was listening to my arguments. I knew that Chakotay
would understand and believe me if only I could talk to him but he had point
blank refused to speak to me.
If only the Captain
would put back the attempt a few days to resolve the problem. Somehow there
had to be a way to give us more time to get through the wormhole. But I could
hear the engines humming to life around me, the shuttle had already been launched
and it was too late to stop the horror from unfolding.
 

TOM

I felt the warp
engines coming on line. The whole ship was humming and vibrating with the power
of the new drive. The Doctor had patched the sickbay viewscreen into the bridge
systems so that we could see the remotely controlled shuttle on route to its
planned suicide in the mouth of the wormhole.
I waited expectantly
for the reverse thrusters to come on line. Chakotay needed at least another
50,000km to get up enough speed to get us through.
Still we just hovered
at a standstill and a feeling of dread flooded through my veins like ice water.

"Move back,
you stupid bastard!" I screamed at the screen
As though in slow
motion I saw the shuttle explode, saw the entrance to the wormhole begin to
expand and then felt the rumble as Voyager moved forwards far too slowly.

And that’s when
I knew, beyond doubt, that we were all going to die.
Chakotay was going
to die.
  

CHAKOTAY

As the shuttle
exploded I pushed Voyager towards the expanding rift. Like a bird released from
a cage she surged forwards on the wings of the new warp drive. In seconds we
passed through the debris of the shuttle and into the twisting tunnel of energy.

We were moving
so quickly that I could barely keep up with the twists and turns of the wormhole
and yet as the seconds ticked past and the walls of the tunnel grew tighter
and tighter, I knew that we were too slow.
We were all going
to die.
Tom was going to
die.
 

ANGEL

The wormhole was
folding in on us. The walls were now pressing on Voyager’s shields and the friction
was slowing us down.
According to the
sensors we were a little more than halfway through. It would take eight more
minutes to reach the Alpha Quadrant. In six more minutes the hull would buckle
and collapse, killing us all.
A flashing light
on the maintenance console broke into my grief. I noted with disgust that someone
had begun to activate the shuttle bay doors.
Some stupid fool
was trying to escape.
Then it hit me.

Of course.

The only way that
Voyager could be saved would be another explosion behind us, to force the wormhole
open again and push us forwards with the blast.
Whoever was in
the shuttlebay had realised that.
Obviously, someone
else had also had the same thought and was preparing to act on it.

And I had a feeling
that I knew exactly who that person was.
I didn’t have time
to stop, if I let myself think I would freeze in panic, so I just started running,
praying I would arrive in time to stop Tom from launching.
 

CHAKOTAY

The ship was ricocheting
down the tunnel, it was all I could do to keep at the helm, and I had lost all
ability to steer.
"Shields at
35% and falling" Harry squeaked, unable to hide his terror.

"Four minutes
to the end of the wormhole" Tuvok stated calmly
I snorted in disbelief
at his emotionless words. In less than two minutes Voyager would be ripped apart.

Oh spirits, if
only Tom had been at the helm we would have been home by now. My thoughtless
destruction of the man I loved had finally cost him his life and that of the
rest of the crew too.
"Shields at
20%" Harry gasped
"A shuttle
has been launched from the shuttle bay" Tuvok said, his voice stunned,
it was the first real emotion I had ever heard from him.
"What?"
Kathryn gasped
Then abruptly the
tunnel widened and a pressure wave shot us out into normal space and we came
to a full stop.
"Shields holding"
Harry said in relieved disbelief.
"Sensors indicate
that we are in the Alpha Quadrant" Tuvok advised
"How? What
the hell happened?" Kathryn demanded
"It appears
that whoever launched the shuttle, immediately activated its self-destruct.
The resultant explosion widened the wormhole and the force of the explosion
pushed us through."
And that’s when
it hit me, when I knew.
"TOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!"

 

Part 42

THE DOCTOR

 

"I don’t understand
how you knew what was going on" I said to Angel as I ran a regenerator
over the vicious bruise that darkened his left eye.
Despite his much
slighter frame, Tom had apparently attacked Angel like a cornered animal when
he had been apprehended in the shuttle bay. In addition to the black eye, Angel’s
jaw had been fractured in three places.
"As soon as
I saw the light on the maintenance console, I realised what he was trying to
do." Angel mumbled through his swollen lips, "Tom’s was the only possible
action that could save Voyager."
"How did you
know it was Tom?" I asked curiously. Personally I had been so engrossed
in watching the wormhole; I hadn’t even noticed Tom limping out of sickbay towards
the shuttle bay to implement his desperate plan.
"I didn’t,
except that I couldn’t imagine anyone else understanding the danger we were
in and having the skill and courage to act on it."
I appreciated his
description Tom’s actions as being courageous. I had never had any time for
the Heran, seeing him only as an obstacle in the way of Tom’s happiness. It
was odd to hear him defending the pilot, particularly since I had heard a number
of people uttering less charitable interpretations of the incident.

"So what were
you planning to do when you stopped him?" I asked
"I was going
to fly the shuttle myself. I knew how much Tom meant to Chakotay. All I could
think was that if Tom died because of the wormhole, Chakotay would never forgive
me. So then we would both end up losing him."
I was surprised
to hear Chakotay speak up in reply to Angel’s sorrowful words. He had been sitting
in a daze for so long that I had almost forgotten that he was with us.

"I wouldn’t
have forgiven myself if you had died either, Angel. I’m so sorry about how things
have worked out. I never meant to betray you. I waited five years. I tried not
to fall in love with Tom, but I just couldn’t stop myself." He admitted
sadly.
For a moment I
thought I saw something dark glitter in Angel’s golden eyes and his mouth twisted
as though he had tasted something bitter but then he smiled forgivingly at Chakotay.

"And once
you fell in love with Tom there was no way for you to come back to me."
Angel replied understandingly.
Chakotay’s face
showed his gratitude at Angel’s generous forgiveness.
"I wanted
to walk away from him, Angel, I tried so many times to give him up, but I just
couldn’t." Chakotay apologized.
"I never meant
to hurt either of you."
Angel looked Chakotay
with a strange combination of love and regret.
"When Tom
refused to take you back, I still hoped that you would turn to me. I thought
that eventually you would give up on him and remember what we had once meant
to each other." Angel admitted quietly "But I realised after the fire
that he still loved you. Only I didn’t understand why he still seemed prepared
to let you go."
"He didn’t
believe I loved him. He wasn’t prepared to give us another chance. He just wanted
to run away from our relationship. That’s why he decided to kill himself on
the shuttle." Chakotay said bitterly.
"No, Chakotay,
you’re wrong." I snapped furiously, angry that he still failed to fully
appreciate Tom’s bravery. How could the Commander claim to truly love Tom and
yet always fail to look beneath Tom’s actions and understand his motivations
when they were so obvious to me?
"If it was
only that he wanted to die, he could have just let the ship be destroyed. The
important thing was that he wanted the rest of us to live, or to be more accurate,
for YOU to live." I stated firmly.
Chakotay considered
this for a moment and then slowly nodded his acceptance of my argument but oddly
it did not seem to comfort him, instead he turned his sad eyes toward Angel

"And what
about you, Angel? Did you want to die too? Is that why you tried to take his
place?" He asked guiltily.
"No, I … I
just knew that I couldn’t bear to watch you grieve over him, hating yourself,
hating me." Angel said quietly
"I could never
hate you, Angel." Chakotay said in surprise
"But you love
Tom more. That’s why you refused to see me or speak to me. You didn’t want to
admit that you were secretly planning to leave me and follow Tom if we got home,
weren’t you?" Angel accused although his tone was softer than his words
implied.
Chakotay nodded
in shameful acknowledgement.
"I never thought
you would understand, Angel. Let alone agree to let me go."

"No, I don’t
suppose I would have. Not then, anyway. I couldn’t see past my own selfish needs."
Angel admitted "But everything seems clearer to me now. I’ve already caused
enough harm. It’s time I stopped trying to reclaim something that was never
really mine. Tom couldn’t bear to live without you but he wanted his death to
mean something. I stole his chance to sacrifice his life for you. I was so busy
trying to stop him getting on the shuttle that it was too late to stop her taking
it. I didn’t even see her enter the shuttlebay." He added with regret.

For a moment I
wondered whether his regret was more for having stopped Tom after all, but I
decided that my suspicion was unworthy. Angel’s actions had been exemplary and
he was accepting Chakotay’s decision to choose Tom with dignity and good grace.

"She never
wanted to return to Earth and after B’Elanna died she felt there was nowhere
for her to go." I said softly "Seven gave us all the chance to live.
We will all mourn her, but at least she died saving the ship that B’Elanna loved
so much."
I finished running
the bone-knitter over Angel’s jaw and went to check on Tom again. He was still
unconscious.
"Did you have
to hit him quite so hard?" I asked waspishly
"I didn’t
hit him at all. I’ve never been able to fight. I just grabbed him and then Tom
was so busy pounding me that we didn’t see Seven get on the shuttle."

"So what happened?
How did he get knocked unconscious?"
"When the
outer doors opened the internal force-field took a second to seal the vacuum.
Tom was slammed into a bulkhead by the drop in pressure."
"He should
get a medal for trying to save us" Chakotay murmured, stroking Tom’s forehead
lovingly.
"I doubt that
will happen. In fact Tuvok has cited his actions as further proof of his insanity
and has instead recommended that he be transferred to a hospital for psychiatric
evaluation. I will, of course, register my protest, but I’m only an EMH, they
may not listen to me."
"Tom’s not
insane." Chakotay spluttered furiously "Although by the time they
have finished fucking with his head he probably will be."
"So what are
you going to do, Chakotay?" Angel asked
"I am going
to take him to Dorvan instead. When we get within communications range of DS9,
I’m sure I will be able to get hold of one of my old contacts and arrange a
ship. I’ll transport us off Voyager straight onboard and be gone before anyone
knows we are missing."
"We could
use my ship, Chakotay" Angel offered "I’ll get you both off Voyager.
My ship has a cloaking device. They will never be able to track us."

"You’ll help
us?" Chakotay asked in obvious amazement
"Of course
I will. I love you. Nothing will change that. Tom has taught me what love really
means. Your happiness always meant more to him than his own. My love has always
been more selfish. I realise that now. Besides, I want the chance to say goodbye
to your family. They mean a lot to me Chakotay, and anyway, it will let them
know that I have given you and Tom my blessings."
I think that I
was even more stunned than Chakotay. What was it about the Commander that made
these two men willing to sacrifice their own lives and happiness just to please
him?
And yet, there
was something about Angel’s sudden complete change of heart that didn’t ring
quite true. Perhaps I was just a cynic, but I had a feeling that there was some
ulterior motive in Angel’s generous offer of help.
Maybe what happened
next was not deliberate on Angel’s part.
Perhaps it was
just unfortunate timing that Tom woke at exactly the wrong moment, just in time
to see Angel throw his arms around Chakotay and say exuberantly

"I can’t wait
to get home to Dorvan with you, Chakotay."
 

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to Part 43