SAVING GRACES

Chapter Eleven



He wanted to sleep. If he could sleep, the pain would stop. The pain was everywhere—in his back, his chest, his knee, his head—but if he could sleep it might stop. But someone was calling his name, pulling him away from the darkness and bringing him back to the bright light.



“No…No…” he murmured. “It…it hurts…please…”



Alex and Olivia both pleaded with him.



He fought to speak. He blinked, and the bright sunshine sent slivers of pain into his eyes. The roof felt hot against his skin; something wet and sticky covered him.



“Bobby,” Olivia said desperately. “Hang on…the EMTs are coming. Please…” She tenderly stroked his head.



Something clutched his left hand. He turned, and a wave of pain swept over him. The darkness threatened to take him.



“Bobby.” Alex’s desperate voice reached him and pulled him from the darkness. He focused on her.



“Mi…Michael?” he gasped.



“All right,” Alex assured him.



“I…I…” He gripped her hand tightly.



“Don’t talk.” Olivia’s voice was soft and soothing. “Take it easy…”



“I…I’m sorry…” His eyes moved from Alex to Olivia and back. “Thank you…both…”



In spite of the heat rising from the black roof, Bobby began to shiver.



“Hang on Bobby…Please…” Alex and Olivia’s voices again pulled him from the darkness. His head now rested in Olivia’s lap. He tried to speak. He wanted to tell Olivia how much he cared for her, how he might be in love with her, how much her kindness in the past days had meant, but he couldn’t form the words.



“Don’t try to talk…Try to stay calm…”



The EMTs appeared, blurring in and out of Bobby’s vision. He was barely aware of them as he tried to concentrate on Alex and Olivia. There was so much he wanted to tell them. About Brady and his mother; he wanted to thank Alex for her patience, her kindness, for being the best friend he’d ever had. He wanted to tell Olivia how much joy her presence gave to him. He tried to speak, but there wasn’t enough air; he could scarcely breathe. Word filtered through a painful fog; “stab…slashed…blood.” He felt pricks on his arms and saw the EMTs attach tubes and wires. The techs spoke to him. “Detective Goren…hang on.” Everyone told him to hang on. It meant so much to everyone that he tried to do it. But he was so tired, so weak, and it seemed to him that if he could only sleep that pain would stop. He saw Alex and Olivia’s mouths move as they spoke. Cragen’s worried face loomed over one of the tech’s shoulders. He was moved to a stretcher, and Bobby cried out. He weaved in and out of the darkness as the techs carried him down the stairs. They finally reached the ambulance. Pain distorted his vision, and Alex’s face hovered above him.



“Only one of us could come,” she said. He clung to her voice like a drowning man grips a life preserver. “Olivia is riding with Michael Flynn. We talked and thought that would work best.” He wondered that he could hear her so clearly above the scream of the siren. “Olivia’s dealt with kids in similar situations…She wanted to come with you, Bobby…She really did.” Her voice calmed him. He fumbled for her with his left hand; Alex caught and held it. “I got the right to ride with you…Seniority…But she cares about you, Bobby…She cares a lot.”



“I promise,” Bobby thought. “If I get through this, I promise I’ll tell them the truth.” It was his last lucid, complete thought.



Alex continued talking to Bobby throughout the ride to the hospital. She fought to keep the terror out of her voice. There was so much blood. When the EMTs arrived on the scene, they thought that Alex and Olivia must be injured. Bobby’s blood soaked them, and Alex couldn’t believe that a human body could lose that much blood and survive. The argument over who would ride with Bobby in the ambulance was very brief. Olivia deferred to Alex’s much longer association with Bobby. “Besides,” she said. “I need to ride with Michael. I need to do my job.”



Throughout the ride, Bobby drifted in and out of consciousness. At several points the techs moved Alex aside to perform some function. When they finally reached the hospital, the doctors and nurses allowed Alex to accompany Bobby to the edge of the emergency room, but gently forced her to stay outside. Alone, lost, and very afraid, Alex stood in front of the door.



“Alex,” Olivia asked in frightened but concerned voice. “What’s happening…”



“I…I don’t know…they just took him in…”



“Michael…We just got here…I think he’ll be ok…They’re examining him now. Cragen is dealing with the scene, but he’ll be here as soon as he can.” Olivia stared at Alex. “Oh God, Alex…You’re covered in blood.”



“So…so are you…” Alex blinked.



Olivia stared at her clothes. “No wonder Michael kept staring at me and asking me if I was all right. He’s a sweet kid, Alex…Very brave…very worried about Bobby…He said he looked in Bobby’s eyes and knew he could trust him…That he’d be all right…”



“He’ll be all right,” Alex said.



“He has to be,” Olivia said. “I have to be able to tell him…” She trembled.



“C’mon,” Alex said. “Over there.”



They stumbled together to the waiting area. For a few moments neither spoke.”



“The ambulance,” Olivia finally asked. “What happened?”



Alex rubbed her eyes and was suddenly aware she left bloody streaks on her face. “He…There was so much blood,” she said. “He was trying so hard to hang on, but…but…he was in so much pain.”



“He had to be so damn brave,” Olivia said.



“I know,” Alex agreed. “But that’s what he is.”



“Yea,” Olivia said. “I guess…I know…It’s why we love him.”



“Yea,” Alex said.



“Olivia…Detective Eames…My God…Are you all right?” Captain Cragen stood and stared at them.



“We’re fine, Captain.” Olivia stood.



“You’re both covered in blood,” Cragen said in awe.



“It’s…it’s Bobby’s,” Alex said and began to shake.



Olivia sat quickly next to her. “Alex…”



Cragen disappeared but returned in seconds with a cup of water. “Here…”



Alex drank it quickly. “Thank you…Sorry…Sorry…It was all a little too much.”



“It’s all right,” Cragen said. “This case is costing a lot. I’ll see if I can’t get someone to bring you a change of clothes. There should be some place where you can get cleaned up.”



“Someone should call Ross,” Alex said.



“Ross knows,” Cragen said gently. “Major Case is offering us a great deal of help. I left him in charge at the scene. Elliott and Fin and Munch are dealing with Bertelli.’



A rush of voices and lights exploded at the ER entrance. Surrounded by lights, cameras, and reporters, George and Maria Flynn appeared.



“Don’t worry,” Cragen said. He straightened his shoulders and prepared to do battle. “I’ll keep the Flynns and the press away. Your assignment is to let me know how Goren is doing…Both of you…That’s your order.”



“Think he knows we couldn’t do much else right now?” Alex asked as Cragen left.



Olivia smiled wearily. “He’s pretty perceptive.”



An impossibly young nurse with mahogany colored skin appeared. “Are you…” She looked at Alex and Olivia in shock. “Are you all right?”



“Yes.” Olivia stood. “We were with Robert Goren…”



“The detective who was hurt,” Alex added. She stood on shaky legs.



The nurse looked at them with dark, sympathetic eyes. “Mr. Goren is stable. He’s being taken up to surgery.”



“Can we see him?” Alex failed to hide her anxiety.



“I’m afraid not,” the nurse said gently. “He needs to get there fairly quickly. But I can show you to the surgical unit’s waiting room…And if you’d like…I can also show you where some showers are and get you some scrubs to wear…”



“We…don’t want to miss any news,” Olivia said.



“You won’t,” the young woman assured them. “Mr. Goren will be in surgery for some time.”



“How…how bad is it?” Alex asked, fearing the answer.



The nurse hesitated. “I don’t want to frighten you…Mr. Goren lost a lot of blood…One of his lungs collapsed…But our doctors are the best…And he’s obviously very strong…There’s a lot of reason to be optimistic.”



Olivia and Alex stood digesting the information.



“Ok,” Olivia said. “Alex, we might as well get cleaned up…”



“And then we can buy each other lousy cups of coffee,” Alex said.



“I understand” the nurse said. “That Mr. Goren saved the life of a boy? That he got in the way of a man trying to stab him?”



“Yes,” Alex said softly.



“He’s a real hero,” the young woman said admiringly.



“Yea,” Olivia agreed. “But he probably thinks he was only doing his job.”



“We’ll take very good care of him,” the nurse said as she guided them to the showers.



“Thank we can salvage any of our clothes?” Alex called from her stall.



“I doubt it,” Olivia said as she peeled off her bloody garments. “And I know we won’t get the cost back.”



“Ah, the joys of the New York City detective,” Alex said.



Olivia smiled and stepped under the hot water. She struggled not to dwell on the fact that in another part of the hospital Bobby fought for his life. “Oh, God,” she prayed. “Please…please take care of him. Please let him be all right…He’s a good man…He’s suffered so much…He’s tried to do good and done so much good…I know you don’t make deals…But I’ll take care of him…Please.”



In her shower, Alex allowed the hot water to pound her aching muscles. She also tried not to think of Bobby lying helplessly on an operating table. The mess of feelings in her mind was familiar, and Alex nearly fell to her knees when she realized that it was very much like what she felt when she waited for news of her dying husband. “No,” she thought. “Not again…I can’t…” She leaned against the wet tile and shook with the effort of trying to control her emotions.



Olivia dragged her body from the shower. The promised scrubs waited for her and Alex. They made a comfortable temporary uniform. Olivia heard the water in Alex’s shower stop, and the smaller detective soon joined Olivia, who tried not to smile. Alex swam in the scrubs and had rolled up the pants to keep from tripping on them.



“Don’t,” Alex warned.



“I’m trying not to,” Olivia said. “For one thing, if I start laughing, I probably won’t stop until I cry.”



“Yea.”



They pinned their shields to the scrubs—their guns were safely in the hospital’s safe—and made their way to the surgical waiting room. Cops already filled the halls. Those who knew Alex and/or Olivia asked about Bobby. Many of them bore the rolled up sleeves and bandage of a blood donor. In the waiting room, a long silence settled between the two women. They were too exhausted and frightened to speak. Another young nurse—Olivia thought that the hospital staff all looked as if they’d just graduated high school—entered the room, and the two detectives viewed him with dread and anticipation.



“Mr. Goren’s not out of surgery yet,” he said gently. “I just need to confirm some information.”



Alex and Olivia sagged.



“Ms. Eames,” the nurse continued. “You’re Mr. Goren’s medical representative?”



Alex nodded.



“There’s no family?”



“There’s a brother…but I don’t know where he is…Bobby isn’t close to him.”



“All right,” the nurse said. “But you might want to try to find him.”



Alex sighed. “Believe me, we don’t.”



“He…he really is alone,” Olivia said as the nurse left. “He hasn’t mentioned his brother…Of course, I haven’t known him that long…”



Alex fixed her eyes on the drab carpet. “He…he’s always been alone…and he doesn’t deserve it…”



“He has you,” Olivia said gently.



Alex looked up. “And you…”



Olivia sat next to her. “Yea.”



They were exhausted and full of worry. They drifted in and out of light sleep, desperately needing it but unable to keep images of Bobby out of their minds. Time lost shape and meaning, and neither Alex or Olivia knew if two, three, or even four hours had passed when Elliott and Fin walked in the room.



“How’s Goren?” Fin asked immediately.



Olivia shook her head wearily. “We don’t know. He’s in surgery. It’s been a while…How long has it been, Alex?”



“I…I don’t know,” Alex answered. “I can’t remember when they took him in…”



Elliott sat carefully across from Olivia and Alex. “Have you heard anything?”



“No,” Alex said. “But…but he lost a lot of blood…He was so white…and pale.” She buried her face in her hands.



“He’ll be ok, Eames,” Fin said as he sat across from her. “He’s tough…he’s strong…”



“But…Fin,” Alex said. “He was so tired…Exhausted…And there was so much blood…Olivia and I…We were soaked in it…Our clothes…” She choked.



“He’ll be all right. We have to believe that,” Elliott said, looking at Olivia as he spoke.



“What’s going on with Bertelli?” Olivia asked, desperate to get away from her dark thoughts about Bobby.



“We got him booked,” Fin said. “Cragen told us to get out of the squad room when got that done. I think he hoped we’d go home, but knew we’d come here.”



“The scene…is horrible,” Elliott said. “At least ten bodies…They’re in better shape than the ones where the fire was. We found Bertelli’s records…names, dates, what…what they did to the boys…their “sins”…” He turned a ghastly green.



“There.” Alex pointed in the direction of the rest rooms.



Elliott lurched away.



“That bad,” Olivia muttered. “It takes a lot to get Elliott physically ill.”



“It…it’s awful,” Fin said. “Bertelli is so methodical, so organized.”



A weary John Munch walked in. “I’m off duty,” he declared. “I don’t want to talk about it. But I might as well since it’s going to give me nightmares for the rest of my life.” He looked at his fellow detectives. “Cragen wants you all to get some rest. Nothing can be done until the CSU guys finish…And that may take some time.”



Elliott, his face the color of ash, slipped in the room.



“C’mon, Munch,” Fin said. “Let’s go give some blood for a brother…”



“I don’t think I’m Goren’s type,” Munch replied.



“Lord, I hope not,” Fin retorted.



For the next two hours, the detectives gave blood, ate or tried to eat the tasteless sandwiches provided by the blood bank, drank lousy coffee, and talked of everything except what dominated their minds. And they waited. Cragen, with rolled up sleeves and looking as if the weight of the world crushed his shoulders, appeared.



“I’m sorry,” he said as he saw Alex and Olivia in the scrubs. “I…I forgot…”



“It’s ok, Captain,” Olivia quickly assured him. “There’s a lot going on…”



“It’s a feeding frenzy.” Cragen sat heavily. “The press is all over this. We’re getting calls from everywhere from families with missing sons. Major Case is giving us help.” He looked at Alex. “I talked to Ross. He’ll be here as soon as he can.”



“Excuse me.” Another young member of the staff entered the waiting room. “You’re waiting for news on Robert Goren?”



Alex sprang to her feet. “Yes! Do you…”



“I’m Dr. Wang…I’m one of the surgeons who operated on Mr. Goren.”



“One of,” Olivia thought. “How many did it take?”



“He came through the surgery well, and his condition is stable now. There are a lot of reasons to be optimistic…But…”



“I hate “Buts”,” Munch muttered.



“Mr. Goren lost a lot of blood,” Wang continued. “His heart failed briefly while he was on the table.



Alex and Olivia blanched and wavered; Fin and Elliott stood to steady them.



“But we got him back immediately…We managed to get blood to stay in him…One of his lungs collapsed and there was damage to several major blood vessels. But we were able to repair the damage. He seems to be very strong and to have a great will to live. But he’s also seemed to be exhausted.”



“Can we see him?” Alex asked eagerly.



“He’s in critical care,” Wang replied. “Only one person at a time.”



Alex turned to Olivia. “You go first, Olivia. I rode with him in the bus. It’s only fair.



“Thank you,” Olivia said softly.



“I have to warn you,” Wang said as he led Olivia to Bobby. “He looks pretty awful…He’s on a ventilator to take some stress off his lung. As soon as we’re sure the lung won’t collapse again, we’ll get him off of that. He’s heavily sedated and bandaged.”



Wang stopped at the first glass room in the unit. Olivia’s heart jumped. Bobby was propped up in bed; tubes snaked in and out of his body. Olivia had never seen anyone so white who was still alive. Heavy white bandages covered his chest and shoulders. Olivia had never seen Bobby so still. Even in his recent exhausted state, Bobby was in almost constant motion, his eyes flying across reports, his finger—those beautiful, long, elegant fingers—tapping nervously as he talked on the phone, or pacing restlessly as he organized his thoughts. Now only the rising and falling of his chest and the occasional flutter of his eyelashes revealed that he was alive.



“Oh, Bobby,” Olivia whispered as she sat in the stiff plastic chair next to the bed. “I barely know you, and I’m in love with you…” She gripped his right hand. It was terribly cold.



END CHAPTER 11