In My Life

I'd like to respectfully dedicate the rest of this story to the memory of George Carlin, a funny man whose wit will be missed by all who like to use their own minds.



It's been a hard day's night, and I been working like a dog

It's been a hard day's night, I should be sleeping like a log

But when I get home to you I'll find the things that you do

Will make me feel alright

--John Lennon & Paul McCartney





"Well, in 1961, I was in Liverpool, England looking for work when I found out this guy named Norman Rossington was looking to hire a bodyguard. That sounded up my alley, so I went to his office to apply. Well, 'Norm' was out to lunch, but his secretary said I could have a seat. Norm was looking pretty harried and rushed. He sat down before I had a chance to stand up and introduce myself. Norm just sat at his desk, propped his feet up, finished his lunch and asked me some questions. He was so sharp and quick I forgot which alias I was using. I had been fond of the name 'William', since it means 'protector'. I saw a pair of scissors on the desk and came up with the last name 'Shears'. He asked me if I had any experience with large crowds, would I mind traveling, did loud noises bother me, a lot of questions I wasn't prepared for, but answered honestly. Then, he told me I was hired. As soon as I stood so we could shake on it, Norm gave me this look that made me think I was fired already. He snapped 'Stop being taller than me!' and stalked out of the room."



"What a weirdo." commented Autolycus.



"Later, I found that I wasn't hired to be Norm's bodyguard. He wanted me to be the bodyguard for a rock band he was managing. It was The Beatles, before they really became worldwide famous. I just saw them as four friendly kids from Liverpool. They asked if they could call me 'Billy'. That suited me fine."



"So you were the Beatles' bodyguard." Autolycus said with a smile. "You were the only thing standing between them and mobs of screaming girls."



"Yeah." Hercules laughed. "Well, I've had experience with crazy, lovesick girls before. Usually, they were coming after me. You know I'm on one of there albums?"



"No way!" said Autolycus. "You're telling me you were the fifth Beatle?"



"Not really." said Hercules. "See, I was in the recording studio when they were recording 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand'. Well, it's a catchy song, so I started clapping with it. The lads decided that the song could use some clapping in the back ground, so they put in front of a mike. That's my hands clapping on the song.



"My cover story was I was originally from Wisconsin, came to England on vacation and decided to stay permanently. Since I had lived in Wisconsin for a while, I had perfected the accent. Same one I use as Kevin Sorbo. Know what one of the little annoyances of immortality is? Sometimes you forget your own cover story. One time, I walked in while John was taking a bath to tell him to hurry up so we didn't miss the plane. John loved baths. Had a bunch of water toys he'd play with, like a little kid. When I walked in he shouted 'Enemy ship on the starboard bow! Fire at Will!' and threw a bar of soap at me. I told him I was actually on his port bow. He wanted to know how a Wisconsin boy knew so much about boats. I quickly made up something about a man who went to sea who lived in the town where I was born. I told him to put the yellow submarine down, we had a plane to catch."



"Yellow submarine." Autolycus chuckled. "Funny. Say, you said you were going by the name William Shears. You're not by any chance the 'one and only Billy Shears', are you?"



Hercules smiled. "Well, I sort of gave John the idea for the song 'With a Little Help From my Friends'. See, Strife had been trying to break up the band. First he tried the plain old killing them approach, but I put a halt to that. Then he tried disguising himself as Paul's grandfather. That made things more difficult. Paul walked in one day and asked me why I was trying to strangle his grandfather. I proved it wasn't his grandfather by asking Paul to ask him a question only a family member could answer. Paul asked 'What's my middle name?' Strife didn't know the answer."



"What was his middle name?" Autolycus asked.



"It was a trick question. Paul /is/ his middle name. His full name is James Paul McCartney."



"Tell me the truth, Hercules." said Autolycus. "Is Paul really dead?"



"If he is, then Elizabeth knighted a corpse. No, Paul is alive. People were just reading into things that weren't there. It was a rumor started by Strife. He started targeting Ringo too. He'd go invisible and start whispering things in Ringo's ear, telling him the others didn't give him the respect he deserved, that he was being ignored. Ringo had low self esteem to start with. A lot of drummers do. It's hard sitting at the back of the stage when the rest of the band is out there with guitars and singing. We were afraid Ringo was going to quit the band.



"John asked me for advice and I told him about a friend I had a long time ago. A friend who I cared about very much, who sometimes felt overshadowed by me and didn't always get the respect and recognition he deserved. I told John that sometimes I had to remind my friend just how special he was, and how I just couldn't get by without him, just like a band can't get by without a drummer. So, John decided to write a song about friendship and have Ringo sing it so he'd be in the spotlight for a change.



"Ringo loved the idea of being in the spotlight. Until he read the first lines of the song. Originally, John wrote 'What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you throw a tomato at me?' Ringo didn't want to do that line because he was afraid some joker really would throw a tomato at him. I suggested changing it to 'Would you stand up and walk out on me?'. Well, Strife continued to be a Blue Meanie, but he failed time and time again."



"Then Yoko came and did the job for him."



"I was there when they met." said Hercules. "John and I went to this art museum together. He wanted to see the new modern installations they put up. I wanted to see the Ancient Greece exhibit. They had some amphorae that I recognized as Ani's work and they had a recently discovered statue done by Thanos, a sculptor Iolaus and I used to know. The sculpture was of Iolaus, but it had been misidentified as Apollo." Hercules frowned. "Like those two looked anything alike.



"Anyway, John dragged me into the modern art show room and started rhapsodizing on these pieces that looked like junk to me. I didn't get modern art. Still don't. John said the difference between the ancient art and the modern art was ancient art was kept in climate controlled glass cases and fenced off with velvet rope. Modern art invited you to interact. He demonstrated by climbing a ladder that didn't look like art to me. He found a magnifying glass at the top and used it to read a message written on the ceiling. It said 'Hello'. John thought it was genius and wanted to meet the artist right away. Well, she was there. And it was love at first sight.



"I don't think it's fair to blame the Beatles' break up on Yoko. John maybe should've thought things through a little better. I'm not sure exactly what caused the break up. I had to quit being the Beatles' bodyguard when I heard Ares was causing trouble in Vietnam. It was a shock to the boys when I told them I was joining the U.S. Army. They tried to talk me out of it, but I knew what I had to do."



"You were in 'Nam?" said Autolycus. "I'm sorry."



"I came out of it better than most guys did. Having fighting experience helped. You know, I've thought about finding some way to contact Paul and Ringo and tell them I'm still around. I changed my name to Harold Lees before joining the Army, so William Shears isn't on any M.I.A. or K.I.A. lists. But, how would I explain it to them? Plus, I feel bad about not being there for John in 1980."



"What would you have done, Hercules?" asked Autolycus. "Taken the bullet for him?"



"I would've done something to save him."



"So, how'd things go for you in 'Nam?"



Hercules sighed. "If I told you, I'd just be retelling every Vietnam War film ever made. War was Hell two thousand years ago, and it's still Hell. War can just kill more people in a shorter amount of time now. Sometimes innocents get in the crossfire. Like, when I was in Vietnam, I knew this school teacher named Yen Chau. Many of her students had lost their parents so she took them in. When Yen Chau stepped on a land mine, I took over her duties. Harold Lees was declared M.I.A. By 1975, I was ready to go back to America. Some of the kids weren't orphans, they were just separated from their parents by the war. Some of them had aunts, uncles or grandparents to take them in. And some just felt like striking out on their own."



There was a lull as Hercules began to think of Yen Chau, so beautiful, so young, so brave. She was in his life for a brief amount of time, but she still indelibly touched it. And then the children he loved enough to give away.



"Yo, Hercules!" Autolycus waved a hand in front of him. "What happened then?"



"Oh, not much." Hercules shrugged. "I just spent the next few years trying to find myself. In 1980, this guy asked me if I had any experience modeling. Well, I did some a long, long time ago for this art show Salmoneous was doing. Didn't mention that of course. Well, the modeling turned out to be for advertisement rather than art, but I went along with it anyway. I had changed my name to Kevin Sorbo by that time. Kevin means 'handsome' in Gaelic, so I thought it would be a good name for a model."



"Didn't tell anyone you were a war vet?"



"Nah. Didn't feel like I needed to. What I needed was to move on."