SAVING GRACES

Chapter 12



The stiff plastic chair next to Bobby’s bed received a heavy workout in the coming hours. Alex replaced Olivia after a few hours. Cragen briefly spelled Olivia and Alex when Fin and Elliott left to deal with the case. Alex was curled on a waiting room couch trying to will the image of a cold and still Bobby out of her mind when Captain Danny Ross appeared.



“Captain,” Alex said as she sat up and rubbed her eyes.



“Alex.” She had never heard so much concern in Ross’ voice. “Are you ok?”



“Nothing sleep can’t solve,” Alex replied.



“And Goren?”



“He…he’s stable…The doctors are…optimistic…but…” She took a deep breath. “He lost so much blood. He was exhausted…But if he can just get through the next few hours…”



“What he did…It was remarkable,” Ross said. “The press is saying he’s a hero, and I agree.”



“Probably the same press that’s beaten him up in the past,” Alex said wearily. “He was brilliant with this case. The SVU people were great, too…”



“Don Cragen is pretty impressed with both of you,” Ross said. “Both of you did great work. This is a huge case, and the NYPD is getting credit for breaking it. Michael Flynn was the first of the disappearances that fell into our jurisdiction since Tony Genoa’s. Goren was the first detective to catch the pattern.”



“Only after over twenty boys were killed…I’m sure Bobby will be thrilled,” Alex said sadly.



“The rest of the Squad will visit here when they can. We’ve helping SVU, and things are…” Ross hesitated. “Hectic. Everyone in Major Case is proud of the two of you.”



“Tell Bobby that,” Alex said with more emotion than she intended. “It would mean a lot to him.”



“I will,” Ross promised. “Besides, if I want to keep him in Major Case, I’ll need to treat him well. The Chief of Detectives is inclined to give Goren any spot he wants. And the FBI is extremely impressed.”



“He won’t want that,” Alex said. “He’s said over and over again Major Case is where he wants to be. And can you see him working for the FBI?” Alex rubbed her eyes. “And all of this is just speculation…if he…he…” She choked.



“Alex,” Ross said softly. “He’ll be ok…He’s tough and strong…”



“You didn’t see him…He was…He lost so much blood…Olivia Benson and I were soaked in it…And now…He’s so quiet and still…”



Ross sat next to her on the couch.



“Great.” Alex furiously wiped her eyes. “I’m crying at the drop of a hat. And it’s almost time for me to get back to him.”



“I think you’re doing just fine,” Ross said. “Alex, I’m sorry, but I have to get back to the scene.” He sighed. “This case is going to give a lot of us a lot of nightmares. I’ll be back when I can…I promise…Call me…Let me know how Goren is…”



Alex walked to the ICU after Ross left. She saw Olivia leaning forward in the chair next to Bobby’s bed. One of her hands gripped Bobby’s left; the other spread protectively over Bobby. Alex recognized the posture. When she woke several times in the hospital after her attack, she discovered Bobby in the same protective stance.



“Hey,” Alex said softly as she touched Olivia on the shoulder.



Olivia started, blinked and stretched carefully. “Hey,” she answered. “I’m sorry. I fell asleep at my post.”



“I wouldn’t deny any of us any sleep right now,” Alex answered.



“The doctors have been in and out,” Olivia said. “They make encouraging noises. And I think there’s a nurse in every fifteen minutes.”



“And what kind of noises do the nurses make?” Alex asked. “They’re the ones who know what really is going on.”



Olivia half smiled. “Good ones. They like him. But, you know, nurses tend to like cops, especially cute, heroic cops.”



Alex smiled. “I think if we’re quiet and well behaved, they might let us both stay here for a while.”



Olivia yawned and stretched. “Cragen back at the scene?”



Alex nodded. “Ross…Bobby and my Captain…Showed up a while ago. I’m glad we’re away from the scene. I know I’m glad Bobby doesn’t have to deal with it, although this certainly isn’t the way I wanted that to happen.”



“I’ve never seen him so still,” Olivia said. She tenderly brushed Bobby’s curls. She looked shyly at Alex. “The one place where he feels warm…alive…is his face.”



“Yea…He’s so still…”



“Here,” Olivia said after a moment. “You sit for a while.” She stepped to the door. “Thank you, Alex…for letting me be here…be with him…”



“You have the right,” Alex answered.



“A lot of people might not think so…I mean…Bobby and I…We haven’t even kissed. There isn’t really a word to describe what we are…All I know is that I feel like I need to be with him.”



“I’m glad you’re here,” Alex said. “It’s not just Bobby and me in this.”



Bobby lay still and quiet for another day. Alex and Olivia refused to contemplate going home, and other cops arranged deliveries of food and clothing to them. Members of the SVU and Major Case squad visited during rare breaks from the case. In the hospital’s cocoon, the storm of the case left Alex and Olivia relatively untouched, although it was impossible to completely ignore the case. The Flynn family, surrounded by cameras, attempted to visit Bobby, but the ICU unit turned them away. Michael Flynn managed to whisper a few words of thanks to Olivia and request that she let him know how Bobby was. The Chief of Detectives, accompanied by his own entourage of reporters, also made a foray, and was also thwarted by the ICU staff. Alex and Olivia hastily retreated from the waiting room when the Chief arrived, and the reporters unhappily settled for footage of the Chief speaking in front of the hospital.



One visitor was much more welcome. As Alex held vigil at Bobby’s side in the afternoon, Olivia curled on a waiting room couch and tried to will Bobby to get better. A slender man with silver hair entered the room, and Olivia sat up. The hospital staff and the many cops prevented any unauthorized person from getting near to Bobby, and the man certainly didn’t look like a reporter, but Olivia was on full alert. The man’s face was vaguely familiar, and Olivia tried to place it as she stood.



“Jimmy Deakins,” the man said quietly. “I’m looking for Alex Eames.”



Olivia recognized the name of Major Case’s former captain, who had resigned under a shadow Alex insisted wasn’t deserved. Olivia knew that Don Cragen was furious about the department’s treatment of Deakins—another in the long list of the things Cragen held the department responsible for. Aside from seeing Deakins at various department functions, Olivia had little contact with him, but Cragen and Alex’s high opinion of him carried a great deal of weight with Olivia.



“Alex is with Bobby,” Olivia said. “I’m Detective Olivia Benson from SVU…I think I can sneak you back to see Bobby...It looks a little scary.” She guided Deakins past the nurse’s station. “He’s very pale, and there’re a lot of machines.”



In spite of the warning, Bobby’s condition shocked Deakins. He stood for a moment looking into the room. Alex sat next to Bobby, one of her hands resting on his as she read the morning’s paper to him. She glanced up, saw her former captain, and smiled warmly. She stood and walked to the door.



“Captain,” she said. “Oh…sorry…”



“It’s all right, Alex,” Deakins said gently. “Half the people I know still call me that.” He nodded at Bobby. “How is he?”



“The doctors say he’s getting better…Better than that, the nurses say he’s doing well,” Alex answered. “But…he’s so quiet…”



“Alex,” Olivia suggested. “Why don’t you go to the waiting room? I don’t mind taking my turn early.”



As he turned to go, Deakins watched Olivia take her place next to Bobby. She picked up the newspaper, taking up where Alex stopped. One of her hands reached for Bobby’s and held it as she read. “Good,” Deakins thought. “She’d be good for him…but I hope she knows what she’s getting into.”



“It’s good to see you again,” Alex said when they reached the waiting room.



“I wish the circumstances were better,” Deakins said. “I think I last saw you at the funeral.”



Alex nodded. “It’s…it’s been hectic…”



“That’s an understatement,” Deakins said dryly. “How is he?”



“Like I said…He’s a lot better…He looked a lot worse…” Alex bit her lip. Aside from Ross, she hadn’t confessed to anyone about how frightened she was by Bobby’s injuries. “He…he crashed on the operating table…He lost so much blood…In the ambulance…I…I thought…” She shivered.



Wordlessly, Deakins stepped forward and put his hands on her shoulders. “I’m not here as your captain, Alex. I’m here as a friend. You don’t have to put on any act.”



Alex shook and struggled. “Oh, Damn!” She began to cry. Deakins guided her to one of the couches, sat her there, and grabbed a fistful of tissues from one of the many boxes. “Here,” he gently said and handed them to her. He sat next to her and rubbed her back as she cried for several minutes. Her tears ended, and she wiped her eyes and blew her nose.



“Sorry,” she said with a mixture of anger and embarrassment.



“It’s all right,” Deakins said calmly. “When I called Ross for details about Bobby, he said you might need a shoulder.”



“I…I don’t…” Alex began. She stared at the soggy tissues. “Or maybe I do,” she said in resignation. “Thank you.”



“He’ll be all right, Alex,” Deakins said. “He’s too stubborn…And someone has to challenge Danny Ross for the title of smartest guy on the force.”



Alex smiled wanly. “That’s been an interesting competition to be in the middle of.”



“How’s Bobby handled this case?” Deakins asked cautiously.



“He’s been brilliant…Top of his game,” Alex answered. “You know how stunning that can be.”



Deakins nodded.



“But…It started the day he came back from leave…That’s bad enough…But the Brady case…” Alex pushed the tissues into a ball in her hands. “Brady picked him…”



A shiver ran up Deakins’ spine. From what he knew, no one would want to be picked for anything by Mark Ford Brady.



“Bobby’s Mom,” Alex said deliberately. “She may have been one of Brady’s victims.”



“Oh, God,” Deakins said in a rush of air.



“Bobby went to see Brady the day before the execution. He wouldn’t let me go with him…”



Deakins’ mind reeled. The thought of a distressed Bobby Goren facing a vicious psychopath like Brady without the support of Alex Eames was not a pleasant one.



“He told me he had to go alone…That I had to trust him…I had to do that…I had to give him that trust.” Alex pleaded for understanding. “I’m not sure what happened in that last interview…Bobby hasn’t told me anything. He went directly from the prison to the hospital. His Mom died the next day. Brady sent that…that “confession” as some sort of gift to Bobby.”



“Did it say anything about Bobby’s mother?” Deakins asked, unsure if he wanted to know the answer.



Alex shook her head. “Not a thing…the passages around that time show signs of heavy editing…The only parts that seem to be…Bobby…when I told him about it…I told him there was no mention of his mom.” Alex stared at the floor. “Bobby never looked at any of it. Nothing…He’s getting all this praise for breaking Brady and all those cases…And he feels like a fake…He doesn’t say anything, but I can see it.”



“And this case,” Deakins said thoughtfully. “All the publicity…The praise…It’s not going to help him…I remember that he hid in a side room after he received his Medal of Honor. I found him there sitting by himself. He was just turning it over and over in his hands.”



“Yea,” Alex sighed. “The only good thing…At least I think it’s a good thing…is…”



“Olivia Benson?” Deakins asked gently.



“They…they might be very good for each other,” Alex said. “And they might be terrible…”



“Well, I hope it’s a good thing,” Deakins said firmly. “He deserves something good in his life.”



The vigils for Bobby continued through the next day. Cops from Major Case and SVU drifted in and out, many of them welcoming the chance to support Bobby and take a break from the case. (“It’s pretty awful,” one of the Major Case detectives told Alex. “Those poor kids…and we’re getting calls from everywhere from families with missing boys.”) Cragen and Ross made regular appearances. Doctors and nurses roamed in and out of Bobby’s room, all of them making cheerful and optimistic sounds. Alex and Olivia gained some sense of the hysteria surrounding the case from the other detectives and occasional views of the television. At one point they saw a press conference where the Chief of Detectives threw a few pieces of news to the ravenous reporters. The Chief praised the SVU and Major Case for their cooperation and singled out Detective Robert Goren for his brilliant work and heroism.



“That’s not going to make Bobby happy,” Alex said to Olivia.



“Yea,” Olivia agreed. “But I just want him to wake up.”



He was thirsty—terribly thirsty. His head hurt, his chest was on fire, his arms stung—everything in his body hurt. Light pressed against his closed eyes. He didn’t want to open them; he knew it would hurt more if he let in the light. And he was cold, bone chilling cold. He wanted to pull the covers over him, but he couldn’t move his arms. With a rising panic, he realized something was in his mouth and throat and that it was breathing for him. He feebly struggled against his restraints, and, in spite of the painful light, opened his eyes.



“Bobby…It’s all right.” Olivia’s soft, calm voice soothed him. “You’re in the hospital…A machine is helping you breathe…If you can…Relax…”



He stopped struggling. He felt her warm, gentle hand on his. He looked up into her eyes and took refuge in them.



“I’ve buzzed the nurses.” She brushed the curls from his forehead. “Alex is going to be furious…She’s in the waiting room getting some rest…Michael Flynn is ok…He was scared, and they drugged him, but he wasn’t badly hurt.” She told him everything he needed to hear. He tried to show her his gratitude by squeezing her hand.



Led by Dr. Wang, a squadron of nurses and doctors rushed in. They started to push Olivia aside, but Bobby clung to her hand. “Just for a little while,” Olivia said. “I’ll be right back after they help you…And I’ll be right outside the door…I promise.” He reluctantly released her hand.



“Ok, Mr. Goren,” one of the doctors said. “Let’s see if you can breathe without this.”



Bobby had never swallowed a sword, but as the doctors and nurses pulled the tube from his throat he thought might have some idea of what it was like to have one pulled out. He coughed and nearly passed out from the fierce, slashing pain.



“Take it easy,” someone said. “Breathe as deeply as you can.”



It hurt terribly, but every breath was easier and caused less pain. Someone brought a cop to him and bent a straw so that he could take a drink. The water was wonderfully cool and soothing on his parched throat.



The words of the doctors and nurses, like their faces, blurred in and out of focus. He heard something about “pain medication…Don’t move too quickly…Stitches…Take it easy…” His attention was on Olivia. He could see her standing just outside the door, her eyes centered on him as if she willed him to stay conscious. The doctors and nurses finished their work and wheeled away several machines. One of the nurses remained to carefully adjust his IV poll and tubes.



“It’s good to see you awake, Mr. Goren,” she said. “You’ve got a lot of people who care about you. Don’t be afraid to use your pain medication. And call us if you need anything.” She smiled at him warmly and nodded at Olivia, who had stepped back into the room. “He’ll probably go back to sleep now…But this is a very good sign.”



Olivia sat next to Bobby. “It’s good to see you awake,” she said softly. She hoped her voice didn’t betray her worry and relief. “Can I get you anything?”



“Eames…Is she ok?” Bobby’s voice was very soft and weak.



“Yes…And she’ll be even better when she knows you’re better.” Olivia gripped Bobby’s hand, which finally felt warm.



“I…I’m a little cold…Could you…”



“Of course.” Carefully avoiding the tubes and wires, she pulled the sheet and blanket over him. She rested her hand against her cheek.



“Are…are you ok?” Bobby asked. He struggled to stay awake.



“I am now,” Olivia smiled. “It’s ok…You can go to sleep. Someone will be here. Probably either Alex or me. You haven’t been and won’t be alone.”



“Now,” Bobby thought. “Tell her now…Don’t make her waste any more of her time on you…Tell her what you really are…What you may be…Tell her the truth…” But he was so tired and weak. Exhaustion shadowed the edge of his mind.



Olivia carefully tucked the sheet and blanket around Bobby. “There,” she said tenderly. “That should be warmer.” She laid her hand against his cheek, and its warmth spread throughout his body as he fell asleep.



END Chapter 12