Cold Feet | By : katelai47 Category: G through L > Gilmore Girls Views: 16781 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0 |
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Chapter 12 - All You Have to Do is Breath
Luke leaned against the back counter in the diner, drying a high ball glass with a rag, as he watched Dean drive through town, heading towards the highway. He had to hand it to the kid, Dean didn’t even look through the window of Luke’s, or back at Stars Hollow, as he drove toward Maine.
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Slowly she approached the diner, and slid through the door, trying to avoid making physical contact. Her arms were crossed, and her posture showed her insecurity. Luke grabbed her upper arm, forcefully, to stop her from moving out of his reach. Without letting her go, he locked the door pulled her to the back and hit the lights.
“You’ve been crying,” he said to her in the dark, and didn’t make a move to let her go or lead her upstairs. “I...” she stated, and dropped her head. He put a hand on the top of her head, and pulled her close. “You miss Rory,” he stated. He had no idea of the internal struggle she went through that day. If Lorelai were truthful with herself, she’d admit that she hadn’t even thought about Rory since mid day. “I’m dumping you,” she whispered. She knew it was wrong, did not want to do it, but for the sake of her kid, she would do anything. Luke pulled back sharply, breaking contact. “What?” he croaked out. Lorelai realized he had turned the lights out for a reason, she could make out his silhouette, but not much else. She squeezed her eyes tight with an intensity that made her see stars. “I saw you.” She heard Luke swallow. “Saw me?” he asked quietly. “With Dean,” she got out before her voice broke into a sob. She covered her mouth and her shoulders shook. “Shit,” Luke whispered, and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. “When?” he asked. “Today,” she told him. “On the beach.” She heard Luke’s sharp intake of breath. “What. The. Fuck?” He asked her, louder and angrier than she expected. Wasn’t she the spurned one? “DEAN, Luke!” Lorelai shouted, suddenly angry. “That was fucking private!” he hissed, looked around the diner, grabbed her arm, tight, and dragged her up the stairs. “You had no right!” he shouted, once he knew no one could see them. “You were fucking my daughters boyfriend!” Lorelai shot back, stomping her foot, as they came to a stop in the upstairs hallway. “You were fucking your dad’s business partner!” Luke shouted back. In the light of the hallway, she could see a vein bulge in his neck. “Dean was seeing Rory!” “With half of the Yale campus!” Luke retorted, realized what he had said, and stepped back to lean against the wall. Lorelai’s sudden intake of air made him flinch. “None of us were faithful, Lorelai,” Luke told her softly, trying to adopt a calming tone, but it ended up sounded strained. “It’s not the same,” she cried. “Yes, it fucking is!” “Luke, Dean is eighteen years old! You could be his father!” Lorelai shouted. “I didn’t break the fucking law,” he groused back, reaching up to rub his eyes. “You don’t think I thought about that every time something happened?” “Then why did you do it?” she cried, sliding down the wall to sit, suddenly feeling defeated. “I fucking liked it!” He shouted. When he saw her flinch, he sighed and scrubbed his hands through his hair. “That was there,” he whispered. “Inside of me, buried, deep, but it was there. He made me realize that I like... I like being with another man.” “Are you gay?” Lorelai asked, her voice shaky with tears, terrified of what he’d say. “No, how you can think that?” Luke asked quietly, hadn’t she felt his passion? “But I am bisexual,” he gave her, turning away. “Ah,” she said, like that explained everything. “I just... I wasn’t sure, with him you were so--I haven’t seen Jason since that day on my porch.” Luke swallowed and his jaw hardened. “Why didn’t you say anything? I told you I love you. That hasn’t changed.” He crossed his arms and looking up, Lorelai could see Luke’s knuckles turn white as they bit into his arms. “I wasn’t sure then, but I know now... Dean gave you something I couldn’t,” she cried, dropping her head to her arms. “I didn’t know it was him, then, but I couldn’t let you stop, I couldn’t take that away from you.” “I told you--” “I know! I knew you’d give up, if I told you to, but I didn’t want to be the one that made you do it.” Luke signed and slumped to the ground, so that he could see Lorelai eye to eye. “I don’t need it to survive,” he explained quietly. “I did enjoy it, a lot, but Lorelai... if I didn’t have you... even as a friend, my world wouldn’t be so bright.” At that she looked up and lost herself for a moment in the blue of his eyes. “Give me your hat,” she whispered. Without hesitation Luke took it off and placed it in her hands. She hugged it close. “You cut your hair,” she remarked, it had been a lot longer earlier in the day. Luke roughed it up a bit. “Yeah, I wanted to put my best foot forward tomorrow when I went to talk to you. I some got new clothes, too.” “I saw some of them...” “Right,” he sighed, dropped his head to his bent knees. “It was for you, ya know,” he told the ground. “I didn’t get them for him, but I was going to dump him, thought dressing up would soften the blow.” “You dumped him?” Lorelai asked, shocked. “Yeah, he went to live with his Uncle in Maine today. I felt like an ass, but I asked him to leave,” Luke told her. “I told him it would be harder if he didn’t, and I guess that’s true, but I didn’t want to... even though you didn’t know, I didn’t want you to have to see him.” “It’ll be good for him to get away,” she whispered quietly, thinking of the smart 16-year-old Doose’s bag boy that her daughter had originally fallen for. “Yeah.” “Do you miss him?” Lorelai asked, even though she was afraid of the answer. “No,” Luke told her, looking up to see her eyes. “He was in love with me, it was nice to have that something, but... No, I didn’t love him like that, and I’m glad he’s off doing something good for himself.” “No feelings at all, Luke?” Lorelai prompted softly. “Feelings yeah, strong feelings... Breaking it off hurt a lot more than I thought. Lorelai... if I am going to be honest with you, with myself--he wasn’t my type. He whined a lot, he was so young, he--he... he couldn’t make up his mind for shit and he didn’t know how to take control of a situation. It was a nice first time, first guy--boyfriend,” he admitted grudgingly. “He coaxed me out, and I’ll never forget it, but it wasn’t going to last.” “How did it happen,” Lorelai asked him, so quietly she wasn’t sure if he heard her. “Night before the wedding--” Lorelai gasped. Luke sighed. “Not proud of it, Lorelai...” he admitted, his voice breaking. He hid his face behind his arms. “Tell me,” she pleaded, her heart starting to pound. She’d never seen him break down like this before. “He was drunk, his bachelor party...” He said. “Fuck.... he said, he loved Rory.” Lorelai gasped again, and cringed. She covered her mouth to hide any more involuntary intakes of breath. “The other guys with him were all wasted, so I got Dean upstairs and put him in Jess’s old bed. The next morning, I forgot he was there, got up, took my clothes off... I had been having a dream,” he coughed. “About a woman, and, well, I was hard. I went to the bathroom and got in the shower. I was about to take care of myself when I remembered Dean was there, so I didn’t. “When I got out, I went over to the bed with my towel around my waist, to see if he was still there... and he was on top of the covers, his pants and underwear off, jerking off with his eyes closed. I was half mast, and when I saw him... I don’t know, I got a thrill out of it. I was pissed... but I liked it. “But I said something, Dean’s eyes snapped open... he looked guilty and I realized he had been thinking about me, that he probably saw me naked earlier. He saw my erection, grabbed hold and I let go. We fucked.” When Luke stopped talking and didn’t say any more, Lorelai looked up. “And that’s why he called off the wedding.” “Yeah,” Luke said. “I think he was having second thoughts anyway. I was pissed about it all, I told him to never expect that again, to get the fuck out, but he kept coming back. I was so pissed, so angry that I would see red and we’d end up fucking again. I hated myself... it took me a while to accept. I wouldn’t have, I would have just ended it when I told you I was going to, but after you had encouraged me to keep seeing him... I knew I didn’t want to stop.” “I slept with Christopher when he was still seeing Sherry,” Lorelai told him, her expression going soft. “I’m not perfect, either.” “What are we gonna do?” Luke asked, unable to break eye contact. “I don’t want to lose you,” Lorelai whispered in response. “Thought you dumped me,” Luke replied, sounding slightly aggravated. “I wanted to... for Rory,” Lorelai told him quietly. “My brain says it’s the right thing to do... but my heart disagrees.” “I want you, and I was thinking of trying to date other guys...” Luke admitted and looked at his boots. “If it’s too hard for you, I’ll do anything to keep you. I wanted to talk to you about it. See what you thought.” “I...” Lorelai started, confused with her own feelings. It wasn’t really jealousy she felt. “I know you love me... I doubted that earlier, when I saw how you were with Dean... After everything--you asked him to leave--I know you love me. And it...,” Lorelai looked away. “I liked watching you.” Luke’s head shot up. “You did?” Lorelai smiled and her eyes met his. “I wanted to be a part of it, but I really liked seeing you so passionate, seeing you look so--seeing you with someone else. I think it would have stabbed me in the heart if it had been a woman, but since it was a man... I don’t think I have anything to worry about. I know you’ll come to me, when it’s done.” She looked away and blushed. “I’ve watched men, together, before, online. I liked it.” Luke laughed and crawled across the floor, opened his arms and enveloped Lorelai in them. “The thought of you watching... although I’m not happy that you saw me with Dean, the thought of you watching makes me crazy.” Lorelai looked up to see his face. “Crazy good?” “Crazy fucking good,” responded, his voice deepy, rough and raspy.
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