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The Journey to Love: Love and Politics	By : sissouthernink1994 Category: S through Z > West Wing Views: 2272 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: Full disclaimer below with more to follow for each chapter. This is a work of fiction. I don't own The West Wing- the building or the show. I don't know President and Mrs. Obama, I'm not getting paid for this.

Chapter List
- 11
- 12
- 13
A/N: This chapter contains a lot of language and lots of Josh bashing. Giving all you Josh fans a heads up. This chapter also contains section titles. Hope it doesn’t annoy. It will probably be a long one too. I’m predicting 7,500 words after the title. We’ll see if I’m right.

Chapter 11: The Beginning of The End?

Inauguration Night Washington, D.C.…

                Sam and Josh stood in the Inaugural Ballroom looking at all the people dancing and celebrating the changing of the guards. Josiah Bartlet, The Dark Horse, had won the election and had been inaugurated earlier that day. It was cold and snowy but the sun shone. It was a beautiful day. They stood side by side, as Jed Bartlet made his first thank you speech to the waiting crowd. They were so proud of the work they had done. And even prouder, that he wanted to keep them on as part of his staff. Josh was the Deputy Chief of Staff working under Leo and Sam the Deputy Communications Director working under Toby.
                While watching the President and First Lady, Sam felt a little jealous that they wouldn’t be able to dance with each other like the other couples would be doing shortly. Donna and Ginger offered to be their beards for the evening, which the fellas thought was sweet and kind. So they all danced together for a little bit. Leo came up to them while they were just standing and offered them a glass of champagne.
“A toast: To the two brilliant minds that helped to get Jed Bartlet elected, I, the President and First Lady would like to personally thank you. Cheers to you both.” Leo said and they all took a sip of the champagne. “Noah would be so proud of you both.”
“Thanks Leo.” Josh replied. “But I think we’ve already been thanked with the Staff positions we received.”
“I agree.” Sam said but Leo shook his head. “There’s more?”
“Gentlemen, follow me.” They looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and followed him. Leo led them to a hallway definitely behind the scenes, but not far away from the ballroom. They could still hear the music. There were Secret Service men posted at all entry points and in between.
“Our reward is the hallway?” Josh asked. Leo laughed.
“No, your reward is a chance to dance together at the world famous Inaugural Ball.”
“Really? That’s so cool.” Sam said with lots of excitement in his voice.
“Here in the hall?”
“Josh, come on; you know we can’t dance in there without giving ourselves away. This is perfect. We can still hear the music; we have privacy and the protection of the Secret Service. What more could we ask for?”
“Stay out here as long as you want. If you want, you can rejoin the party and even come back here to the hall. They’re instructed to be here until we all leave the building.” Leo said. A smiling Sam looked at his lover and held out his hand.
“May I have this dance Joshua?” Josh looked at Sam and laughed.
“Only if you promise not to call me Joshua anymore. The only person who really uses that form of my name is my mother.”
“Deal.”Sam said.
“Great. If I don’t see you anymore tonight, enjoy the rest of the night and I will see you bright and early in my office tomorrow.”
“Thanks again Leo.” Sam said.
“Yes, we appreciate it.”
“You deserve it.” Leo rejoined the party. It was just the two of them and about eight to ten Secret Service men alone in the hall.
“Shall we?” Sam asked holding his arms open for Josh.
“Yes, we shall.” When Josh entered Sam’s arms, he was immediately met with a kiss as Sam pulled him closer. “I can’t believe it. We’re at the Inaugural Ball kissing. How cool is this?”
“I know. I can’t believe it either.” Sam placed his head on Josh’s shoulder and they gently swayed to the music.
“I love you so much.” Josh whispered kissing Sam again.
“I love you too. One day, this won’t matter and gay couples will be able to dance together in political settings not have to worry about anyone looking.” Josh said.

“I hope we live to see the day.”

“Me too, Sam. Me too.”

The night my world nearly ended (Sam’s POV)

Gunshots. That’s all I could hear. I remember a Secret Service Agent pushing me down. I didn’t even know what was happening. It was so chaotic and so much screaming. People were running everywhere. I looked to see if I could see who shot at us…who shot at the President. I tried but that agent kept pushing my head down. My thought was Josh.
“Josh?!” I didn’t see him. I didn’t hear him. We usually walk side by side but tonight we didn’t. I can’t remember why…we just didn’t. It’s not like we would have been able to hold hands or anything. There were so many people outside, in the cold. Waiting to get a glimpse of the current Commander in Chief. The Secret Service starting moving us to cars and I still couldn’t see Josh. “Where’s Josh? Has anyone seen Josh?” As soon as I said that, I heard…
“WE NEED AN AMBULANCE NOW!!”
The agents were scrambling trying to get us to safety. My heart stopped. Was the President shot? Was he hurt? It wasn’t his body on the cold ground bleeding and barely breathing. It was Josh. My Josh. Suddenly I can’t breathe. Tears blur my vision. I’m trying to get to him but they’re holding me back.
“Josh! Joshua!!” I keep calling his name but there’s no response.
“We need you in the car now Mr. Seaborn!”
“I can’t leave Josh! Josh!! Hang on I’m coming!”
“Can’t let you do that!”
“No, I have to get to him! You don’t understand. You don’t…” I find myself breaking free and running to his side. He’s covered in blood and my heart sinks into my stomach. Oh my God!! “Josh, can you hear me? Josh, I’m here.” I reach for his hand, he squeezes mine a little, and I hear him whisper my name, barely.
“Please hang in there Josh,” I whisper. His eyes begin to roll into the back on his skull. “Josh, I love you. Please hang in there. Please.” The paramedics move me out of their way and at that moment, I felt two, maybe three Secret Service Men grab me and force me into the car.
“No, I need to stay with him, please let me ride with him!”
“There’s not enough room.”
“Please, please.” I beg and beg them.
“Let the paramedics to their job. They have to get him to the hospital.” I try to watch from the back window of the car as the ambulance speeds off with my heart, my love in the back. Our car speeds off and all I can do is cry.
While in the waiting room, I can’t sit down. Everyone tries to get me to, but I can’t. I can’t sit while Josh’s life hangs in the balance. I can’t. I cannot imagine my adult life without him. I pace and pace. Finally, they let me walk the hall with the Secret Service standing guard. I can’t sit down. Every time I move, I hear “Princeton is on the move”. I cannot sit still. Josh. As I pace I feel a hand on my shoulder and realize that I am standing outside the nearby chapel. It’s Mallory’s hand. Her voice is gentle.
“We can go in if you want.” I shake my head.
“I want to but I can’t. No, what if there’s news. I want to be there. I need t-”
“They know where we are Sam.” She opens the door and we walk in together.
“Mal, this is a waste. He’ll never hear my prayer. I’m bisexual, I rarely go to church. Josh doesn’t go to temple. We should just go back.”
“Sam, God will hear everything you say to Him,” came a voice from behind us. It was the President. “He hears every prayer loud and clear. Go ahead and say what you want. I know I will.”
“Does He know how much I love Josh? Does He even care?”
“Yes to both questions.” Mallory replied.
“I agree.” Jed agreed. Mallory led me to a pew and we sat down. I can’t do anything but cry at first. My head is in my hands and my tears flow through my fingers. But eventually I feel like I can say what I want, what I need to say.
I pray that everyone in that operating room is the real deal. I pray they know exactly what they are doing. I pray Oh, God please, save him. I love him. I love him so much. I pray God hears my prayer.


                After a while, we all feel able to walk back to the waiting room. CJ tells us his mom is on the way. Leo is waiting for an update from the Secret Service. We all want to turn the TV off because the only thing that’s on is the news. And it’s all about Josh. At this point, we’ve all had enough of the bad coffee and hospital food available after midnight. I know I am. It’s a few hours more and Dr. Bartlet gives us an update on Josh; everything looks good. It looks like he will pull through. Again, my head is in my hands and the tears flow through my fingers.

The Broken Promise (back to regular POV)

                It was after midnight on a Friday, Josh and Sam were cuddled together in Sam’s bed after making love. They’re facing each other and Josh was nibbling on Sam’s ear trying to feel out if either of them had enough stamina for round three. Sam couldn’t help but run his finger through Josh’s hair and laugh at his efforts.
“You know, I was thinking.” Sam said.
“Hmmm, about what?” Josh said as Sam giggles a little from the ticklish feeling.
“We should move in together.” Josh stopped his nibbling.
“Really? You want to?”
“Yeah. It makes so much sense when you think about it. Half of your clothes are here, half of mine are your place. If we moved in, our clothes would all be in one place. I could help you pay off the townhouse. We would save precious quality time together by just coming home to one place and not stopping separate places to get something we forgot.”
“Oh.”
“And, I think between the two of us we have enough cooking skills that we won’t starve. Or have to order pizza or Chinese every night.”
“True.” Josh said. He was silent a moment and Sam could tell he was thinking.
“So, what do you think?”
“I think, I need to think about it.”
“Ok.” Sam said and kissed Josh passionately on the lips. “Mmmm…round three?” Josh smirked.
“Round three it is.”
                Sam either liked to sleep with his head on Josh’s chest or Josh’s arms completely around him. But it really didn’t matter because by morning they would be in completely different positions. That night had been a head to chest night. Sam turned over in his sleep and didn’t feel Josh next to him. He listened for a few seconds to see if he was in the bathroom, but Sam heard no running water. He yawned and thought that maybe Josh was in the living room watching TV.
“And I thought I was the one who had trouble sleeping.”
                Occasionally when Josh couldn’t sleep, he would catch up on Sports Center on ESPN or maybe watch an old movie he hadn’t seen in a long time. Usually after an hour, the TV would be watching Josh. Sometimes Sam would go in to find him and they would both end up sleeping on the couch.
                He walked into the living room expecting to see the light from the TV cast upon the wall but found only darkness. Sam called out for his lover but only received silence as a response.
“Maybe he went for a walk or a drive.” He yawned again and looked out at the street to see if he could see Josh walking in front of the building. No sign of him. “Did my statement bother him that much?” Sam shrugged and shuffled back into the bedroom. “He’ll be back by sunrise.”
                It was rare when the White House Senior staff had a Saturday to sleep in, even rarer when they had a Saturday off. Out of habit, Sam woke up at 8:15. That was his usually Saturday office time to wake up. When he opened his eyes, he expected to see Josh, begging for ten more minutes of sleep. His side of the bed was empty. Sam had the bathroom and the whole apartment to himself. Josh was nowhere to be seen. Thinking he had stepped out (or stayed out) to get breakfast, Sam paged him to see where he was. Josh usually answered his pages within ten minutes, no matter where he was or what he was doing. So, Sam made coffee while he waited. Still no answer. He called Josh’s house and the phone rang until the machine picked up. Sam felt silly leaving a message but he did it anyway.
                Sam took the elevator downstairs to get his morning paper and decided to look in the garage and sure enough, the second parking space for his apartment was indeed empty. He immediately called the White House switchboard to see if there had been an emergency that Josh needed to be in for but not Sam.
“Thank you for calling the White House Switchboard Helen speaking.”
“Hi Helen, this is Sam Seaborn. Could you connect me to Josh Lyman’s office please?”
“One moment please Mr. Seaborn.” A minute later, she came back on the line. “I’m sorry Mr. Seaborn but there is no answer at that line. Would you like me to ring it back to leave a message?”
“That’s strange. No, I don’t want to leave a message. Could you connect me to Leo McGarry’s office instead?”
“One moment please.” A few seconds later, Leo came on the line.
“Leo McGarry?”
“Hey Leo, it’s Sam.”
“Morning.”
“Is there something going on at the White House that I wasn’t invited to?”
“Not that I know of. Plenty of tourists visiting today I hear. You think we would purposely leave you out of something?”
“I don’t know. Just wondering.”
“What’s this about Sam?” Sam could image that Leo was putting down whatever he had been reading and had probably taken off his glasses.
“It’s probably nothing. Don’t worry about it. Forget I called; go back to reading whatever it was you were reading.”
“Sam...”
“Yes?”
“I won’t ask you again to tell me what’s going on.” Sam sighed.
“I can’t find Josh. Something’s not right. He always tells me where he’s going. He’s not answering any pages, he’s not at home or the office and I’m a little concerned.”
“Has he been having any flashbacks or episodes?” Leo asked this referring to Josh’s near death experience.
“Not that he’s told me. And I haven’t seen any.”
“When did you last see him?”
“After midnight when we went to sleep. He wasn’t there when I woke up and I don’t know where he is.”
“Ok, let me do some checking and I’ll get back to you, ok?”
“Thanks Leo.”
                Three hours later, Sam tried calling Josh again at home. Still no answer. His worry level jumped about twenty levels. He jumped when the phone rang.
“Josh?” He asked answering.
“No, just me.” Leo said.
“Did you find him?”
“Well he answered the test page we sent out. From a payphone, the Secret Service said. But that’s all. I put in a message for him to call me about something work related but I haven’t heard back yet.”
“You don’t think he’s in trouble do you?”
“No. Did something happen between you two?”
“No, everything’s fine.”
“For some reason I don’t believe you. Anyway, the Secret Service will keep a look out. They have their ways of looking. I’ve put a call into Stanley and he promised to call if he heard from Josh. If he doesn’t show up by Monday…”
“Yeah, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”
                Throughout the rest of the night and all day Sunday, Sam tried calling Josh. He never got an answer. He was trying to avoid going to the house, because he figured the Secret Service would have already done that. But he was anxious and needed to do something to calm his fears. So he drove to the townhouse they kind of shared. He used the key Josh had given him and entered. The place looked clean, which was unusual for Josh. The kitchen was clean except for the coffee cup from Friday morning. The bed didn’t look slept in. The mail was on the front table like always. Sam checked the stamps to see if Saturday’s mail was there, and it was.
“So he’s been here.” Sam then checked the answering machine. There were only two messages. “I know I left more than two messages.” The two calls were from that Sunday morning. Sam didn’t know how to feel after discovering that Josh had listened to his messages, erased them but didn’t call him back. He reset the machine so the messages would seem new. He felt the TV so see if it was warm. It wasn’t.
“So now what?” He contemplated leaving Josh a note, letting him know that he had been there, concerned –no worried- and looking for him. He grabbed a piece of paper from the desk and a pen. Then left the note on the bed.

Josh, I tried calling. Is everything ok? Did I do or say something wrong? We need to talk. See you tomorrow.
I Love You, Sam

                Sam came in a little earlier Monday morning, hoping to catch Josh before things got busy. No such luck. Their paths never crossed that Monday after the Senior Staff Meeting. Not so unusual for a Monday. When Sam was leaving for the day, Josh was still in a meeting. Leo saw him and called out to him.
“Mind some company?” Leo asked.
“Nope. Can’t believe you’re done for the day.”
“I wish. Waiting for Josh to get out of a meeting. Did you get a chance to talk today?”
“No. Haven’t seen him since we left your office this morning.”
“And you’re sure nothing is going on?”
“As far as I know, everything is ok. Maybe he was just really busy. You know how Monday’s are.”
“Yeah, but I’m concerned that he hasn’t called you.”
“Me too.”
                Sam went home that night, grabbed a beer and reheated spaghetti that he’d made the day before. It was baffling and disturbing to him that Josh wouldn’t call him, or make time to see him. Over the next week, Sam tried to talk to him. Even after they were in meetings together. Josh was all business. Nothing was out of the ordinary with that. But when workweeks were hectic and overwhelming, Josh would come into Sam’s office for a little relief. Always. He would close the blinds between his and Toby’s office and lock the door with a devilish grin on his face. Josh hadn’t been in all week. Sam even left word with Donna. If nothing else, Donna would nag him about it until he did it. Donna was true to form, Josh wasn’t.
                The next three weeks were hard on Sam. Not only was Josh not talking him (for reasons he didn’t know), he seemed to be obviously avoiding him. Pretending as if he didn’t hear Sam’s voice across the parking lot or in the hall. On top of his love life turning upside down, he found out that his father was cheating on his mother. It wasn’t just a few months or a year or so affair. Twenty-eight years. Twenty-eight years that his dad had been cheating on his mom; almost all of Sam’s life. When they thought he was away on business, he wasn’t. He was with his other family. Yes, Sam found out he had some siblings that he didn’t know about. The oldest was just a few years younger than Sam, the rest younger than that. His sisters Camille and Charlotte cried for an hour when they found out. His brother Nathan wanted to hit his father for making them all suffer, especially their mother. She was basically raising four children on her own as much as he was “out of town on business.” He felt betrayed. Everything he ever knew or felt about his dad was all false. A big lie. And the added salt to an already gaping wound? Josh wasn’t around for Sam to talk to. He talked to Leo and the President about it and they sent him to see Dr. Stanley Keyworth. The same man who helped Josh. This was going to be interesting.
                People were beginning to notice that things weren’t right between Josh and Sam. Only a select few knew they were a couple. Everyone else knew they were best friends and came to appreciate the “Josh and Sam Banter” they spoke in. Some people thought it was an act but it was just how they were. Jed noticed it as well and after talking with Leo, he asked them to meet him in his office. Sam didn’t feel good about it. Mrs. Landingham and Charlie tried to make light conversation with them, but it wasn’t working. Then Leo came down the hall with CJ in tow.
“Charlie, is he available?” Leo asked.
“Yes, you can go in now.” He turned to the troubled couple.
“Josh, Sam.” They stood and followed them into the Oval Office. Jed was signing some papers that he handed to Charlie as he left.
“Gentlemen, please have a seat.” They each sat on couches, opposite of each other. Sam sat with his back to the couch and his legs crossed. Josh had his arms across his chest. Leo had pulled a chair for himself and CJ so they could sit next to the President. Jed sat down and looked at both men. “Just so you know and in case anyone asks, you two have officially been called into the Principal’s Office. I’ve been hearing some disturbing things about the two of you for the past few weeks and I have observed some things myself. We’re here to get things straightened out before anything gets out of hand. So, who wants to go first?” Neither of them spoke.
“Now, I’m no shrink but I can tell from your body language that this is uncomfortable. Believe me when I say this that calling you in here is no picnic for me either. Something has come between you two and it’s affecting your work. Now, what in God’s green Earth is going on?” Still no answer. “For the sake of all our lives, somebody please start.” Josh sighed.
“One night after being intimate, Sam asked-”
“It was a statement. I didn’t ask a question Josh, I made a statement.”
“One night after being intimate, Sam made a statement, that we should move in together. I told him I would think about it.”
“And?” Jed asked.
“I thought about it and I don’t think we should.”
“When did you decide this?” Sam asked.
“A while ago.” Josh replied.
“A while ago? A while ago meaning when you left me by myself and didn’t answer any of my calls or pages for two days straight?”
“Yeah, something like that.” Josh was avoiding eye contact with Sam at the moment.
“You could have told me this three weeks ago and we could have avoided all this foolishness.” Sam said.
“You guys haven’t talked in three weeks?” Leo asked.
“How could we? He hasn’t returned any of my calls since he left me alone that night. I’ve left messages, pages, notes. I even got Donna to nag him. How he avoided that I don’t know. Purposely going the opposite direction in the hall, pretending that it’s not my voice in the parking lot. Just to avoid me?”
“Josh is this true?” Jed asked.
“Pretty much.” He replied.
“I’m a big boy Josh, I can take no for an answer. What I cannot take is this disrespect for our relationship and our friendship. This is the first time we’ve never not talked since we’ve known each other. Was it that hard to tell me no? It’s not like I would have thrown a fit or something Josh. I merely made a statement that things would be easier on us. Nothing would have changed. And now you’ve turned it into a three-week long silent treatment.”
“I know.”
“Well, can you at least tell me why? Why the wait?”
“There are things going on that you don’t understand.”
“Try me.” Sam asked.
“I think people know about us. People who shouldn’t know and they could do things. So to avoid anything happening I don’t think we should live together. As a matter of fact I don’t think we should be together anymore at all.” Sam’s mouth dropped as well as everyone else’s in the office.
“You what?” Sam uncrossed his legs, sat forward and looked Josh right in his eyes. “You think we should break up? For what? Just because somebody knows we’re bisexual? So what? Josh that’s a bullshit excuse!”
“It’s not a bullshit excuse Sam! There are people out there who could hurt us or the President and if we’re not together then we all have a chance of surviving.”
“Josh if you know of a threat the Secret Service needs to know; it’s your duty to tell. It’s their job to keep us all safe.” Jed said.
“I…I don’t have any specifics and no concrete proof but I just know. I hear stuff, talk and gossip. But it’s more than gossip. Trust me; it’s safer for all of us if you and I are apart.”
“My life has been falling apart for three weeks wondering what’s going on between us and this shit with my dad and you’re worried about someone finding out that we’re a couple? This is so screwed up.” Sam was blinking back tears, but it was clear to everyone that it wouldn’t be long before they saw them.
“And you think someone is coming after you?” Leo asked.
“They came after Charlie didn’t they?”
“Josh, have you talked with Stanley about this?” Jed asked.
“No, and I don’t need to. I know what you’re thinking, I’m not paranoid, and I’m not having a mental breakdown. I’m not. I just know, someone is after us and I need to keep everyone safe.”
“So you’re throwing our life, our love away like trash Josh? You’re saying the last two and half years didn’t exist for us. You are saying we never were. That every single word and feeling of love between us doesn’t exist for you?” Josh sighed and CJ could see his tears brimming.
“They did, but they can’t anymore. We have to be apart. That’s all there is to it.”
“Maybe you two can get some counseling, talk things out.”
“There’s no talking to be done Sir.” Josh said. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He then took a ring off that had three keys on it and slid them across the table. Sam’s mouth dropped again. “These are to your apartment. I’ve gotten all of my stuff and I think I’ve put all yours back. I think you still have a couple of shirts at the cleaners, but other than that everything is back where it belongs.”
“Josh what are you doing? Why are you doing this?” The tears finally began streaming down Sam’s face and his voice was filled with sadness and confusion.
“I’m giving you back your keys. And I think you should give me back mine. It’s better this way Sam.”
“For who Josh? I love you and I thought you loved me. You’re saying that there is no more us? This is it?”

“Yes.” His answer was short and definitive. The Oval Office was still and silent. CJ was sure she could hear Sam’s heart breaking in a million pieces next to her. With tears blurring his vision, Sam reached into his pocket and removed the key ring that held the keys to Josh’s townhouse. His other home. His slid them across the table and Josh quickly grabbed them. Sam couldn’t form any words. He was too shocked and hurt to even think. Jed looked at Sam and felt for the young man who had become like a son to him. And Josh too.
“Josh, are you absolutely sure that this is what you want?” He asked.
“Yes sir, Mr. President.” Jed’s shoulders dropped. He didn’t know what else to do. Josh looked at his watch. “I don’t mean to be rude sir, but I have a meeting in ten minutes.” Josh picked up his folders, note pad, and quietly left the office. Sam sat on the couch, staring at his keys. He reached out to grab them. He tried hooking them onto his keys but couldn’t because of his tears.
“Sam, I’m so sorry. I had no idea what was going on with Josh.” Leo said.
“No need for apologies Leo. It’s not your fault.” Sam replied sniffing. “Apparently, I didn’t know what was going on either. We’ve never not talked. I knew Josh could be a bastard and an asshole, I just never thought he’d be one to me.” Sam stood as if he was going to leave, but couldn’t and sat back down. He tried standing again but ended up sitting. CJ placed her hand on his shoulder to keep him sitting until he was really ready to leave.
“And he’s said nothing about who might be after you two?” Jed asked. Sam shook his head.
“It’s the first I’ve heard of it.” Sam was bewildered.
“I’ll check into what I can.” CJ said. “See what I can find out.” She stood to leave.
“Thank you CJ.” Jed said.
“I’ll talk with Secret Service and see what they know.” Jed nodded.
“Sam have you been keeping your appointments with Stan?”
“Yes sir. Had one yesterday. Next one will be Tuesday.”
“Were you planning on going to the Rage Party this weekend?”
“I was going to go and support people.”
“I think you need to participate. With everything that’s going on with your dad and now Josh. I’ll talk to Stan and have him set up a place just for you, ok?”
“Ok.” Sam replied and stood to leave.
“Take little bit if you need to.” Leo said.
“I can’t really. I’m supposed to be in the same meeting as Josh.”
“Oh.” Jed replied. “If you need to skip it, skip it. I’m sure they’ll understand.”
“I’ll be fine sir.” Sam replied as he wiped the remainder of his tears and headed out of the Oval Office.

                That afternoon’s meeting had to have been the longest Sam had ever been in. He couldn’t even look at Josh. They had had some heated arguments in these meetings with Congressional Representatives and Senators. There were always fireworks in their arguments. Today, just duds. The meeting actually ended long before it usually did, always extended by their arguments. A meeting without the Josh and Sam banter? It baffled everyone in attendance. The duo was as out of character as they could be.
                At the end of the day, Sam gathered his things and made his way to the parking lot. He saw Josh’s car and wondered if Josh was purposely waiting for him to leave first so they wouldn’t have to talk or see each other. Sam picked up fast food on his way home. He didn’t feel like cooking. He really didn’t feel like eating but with all that had happened that day, he couldn’t remember when he had eaten or if he had eaten. He turned on Sports Center just for the noise; didn’t really care about the scores. Not that night anyway. He wanted to drown his sorrows in alcohol, but he had too much to do in the following days to deal with a hangover. Or a bad breakup. As he lay alone in his bed, Sam wanted to cry but couldn’t. He knew he would cry all night and not sleep. Red, puffy eyes would not be a good look in the morning.
                Across town, Josh wasn’t faring any better. All he could see as he tried to sleep was the pain and shock on Sam’s face. The memory of tears steaming down Sam’s pink, embarrassed cheeks now made him sick to his stomach. He couldn’t believe what he had done. He broke Sam’s heart. It was hard for them to go from best friends to lovers; they dared to cross that line and now there was no way to fix it.
“There’s no way in hell Sam will ever trust me to be his friend again. I’ve thrown away over ten years of friendship and the best relationship I’ve ever been in on a hunch. What is wrong with me? I’ve fucked up this time.” He said to the silent space in his bedroom. Josh sat up and felt the empty side of the bed, feeling the coolness on the sheets then realized that Sam would ever be there again. Josh ran to the bathroom and threw up.
                The next morning Sam found Senator Cup before even going to his office.
“Senator Cup, do you have a minute?” He asked. The Senator was grabbing a cup of coffee from the cart outside his office building. He looked up.
“Morning Sam. What brings you here this early?”
“I feel I need to apologize for my behavior in the meeting yesterday.”
“Apologize? My staff was so surprised when I walked back in my office early from a meeting with Josh and Sam. I probably walked in on some stuff I probably shouldn’t have. Why are you apologizing?”
“I wasn’t myself yesterday.”
“I’ll say. Some days I actually look for to the arguments just to see what you two will say.”
“I had just received some bad news, I let it affect my work and I shoudn’t have. For that I am truly sorry.” Senator Cup looked at Sam’s face.
“You’re serious aren’t you?”
“Yes sir I am.”
“Well, this is a first for me. Apology accepted Sam.”
“Thank you sir. I really appreciate it.”

A few hours later found Josh standing outside Senator Cup’s office, waiting to see if he had an extra minute.
“Josh?”
“Thank you for seeing me on such short notice. It will only take a minute, I promise.”
“What’s this about Josh?”
“My behavior in the meeting yesterday.” The Senator couldn’t believe it. “I let some personal things get in the way of my job and I apologize for not being in the meeting as I should have been.” Cup didn’t know if he should mention that Sam had done the same thing. He decided against it.
“I must say this is a surprise. I was beginning to think you two were playing a prank on us. Never seen either of you so quiet.”
“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.”
“Apology accepted Josh.”
                Just before evening, Senator Cup was outside the Oval Office, waiting to see if the President had a moment for him. Charlie nodded that he could go in.
“Well, Senator Cup I’m surprised to see you. How are Barbara and the girls?” Jed asked.
“Just fine, sir, just fine.” He replied as they shook.
“Have a seat.”
“Thanks but no. I won’t be here long.”
“Mind if I sit?”
“No sir, it’s your office.”
“So what brings you by here?”
“I’ve had two unusual things happen to me today involving two members of your Senior Staff.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes, Josh and Sam came to me today, separately, and apologized for not being Josh and Sam in the meeting yesterday.”
“Arguing too much?”
“I wish. I would have recognized them then. The two men in that meeting yesterday looked like Josh and Sam, but they definitely were not acting like them. They were quiet.” Jed leaned forward in the chair.
“How quiet?”
“It was like we met without them. Didn’t even seem like they were in the room. What’s going on with them?”
“Not sure I follow.”
“They are never quiet in any meeting thery’re both in. Never. If you want to get your agenda passed or get re-elected, you must fix what’s broken. Those Senators and Congress men and women won’t believe in a Bartlet administration without the two of them.”
“And here I thought I was the administration.”
“You are. But Josh is your guard dog and as gifted as you are, everyone knows Sam’s words and your voice are almost one.”
“I see.”
“I don’t know what the fight was about but it was epic. And if I noticed it, the people in the room noticed it. How much longer before everyone else notices it?” Jed stood.
“Thank you for your concern, Ray. I appreciate it. Let me talk with them and see what we can do.”

“Thank you for your time Mr. President.”

The Rage Party…

                It was Saturday morning and Sam was looking for a parking spot so he could park his car. He was at the Rage Party that the White House therapists had set up. It was a chance for everyone to relieve stress. There were sections, all separate from each other where staffers could throw ceramic, glassware and pottery items against walls to release frustration. There were also several automobiles and sledge hammers available for those who wanted that.
                Sam walked over to Stan to show that he was there. There was so much going through his mind. He hadn’t been able to comfortably sleep since he and Josh had broken up. It has been a rough couple of nights. Stan showed him what he had set up. There was a wall like all the others with plenty of things to throw at it. There was also an old car.
“I’m glad you’re here Sam.”
“So the President talked you?”
“Yes, he did and I’d like to talk a little bit about how you feel before we get to the release through rage.”
“Talk about what?”
“What exactly was going through you mind while Josh was talking?”
“I don’t know if I had any real thoughts.” He replied as he leaned against the car. “I was just shocked and hurt. I know I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I couldn’t believe he was breaking up with me.”
“Have you talked since that day?” Sam shook his head. “Why not?”
“There’s nothing to me to say, nothing I can say. He says he doesn’t want us in a relationship anymore, wouldn’t even consider it.”
“How does that make you feel after all we’ve already been discussing?” Sam was trying to hold back his tears. “Sam, we’re in a safe place. It’s ok to let your feelings out. The press is on the other side of the field; no one will be asking you questions.”
“I’m so angry and pissed. After this shit with my dad, I feel abandoned. There is no decent male love in my life. What I thought I knew about love is… they’re both assholes for doing this to me!” Sam grabbed the sledgehammer so quickly Stan had to jump back. The smashing of the headlights sent glass everywhere. He took another swing and hit the hood.
“That’s good Sam. Talk it out as you go.”
“Fucking bastards! How could they? They don’t know shit about love!” He was smashing the hood again. “All the times I wanted to talk to my dad and he was with his other family. Claiming it was business. Business my ass!”
*SLAM*
“Where were you when I needed you? Huh? Where were you? When I was trying to figure out who I was…who I wanted to be…?”
*SLAM*
“Where were you fucking coward?!” Sam began hitting the doors on the right side of the car. “You didn’t want to raise us so you raised your other children instead. I made the toughest decision of my life without you and all you could say was that you were disappointed? You could’ve cared less. You only cared that I didn’t mess up the family name. What’s that name worth now? Not much huh!”
* Another slam to the door*
“You’re no father. You’re not a man. I can’t believe I ever wanted to be. like. you!”
                Across the field, the bus had arrived with the press core. The President thought it would be a good idea to have a press conference there and to let the press core see what was going on. There would be some comments from the American Psychiatric Journal presenting the various form of anger management release. Before everyone was seated and ready, Danny Concannon came up to CJ.
“Got a minute CJ?”
“If by a minute you literally mean one minute then yes. What’s up?”
“Can I get an off the record confirmation?”
“Off the record?”
“I have a source that says Josh and Sam are together.”
“Together as in-”
“Come on CJ, together as in together. Boyfriends. Any truth to it?”
“Well, you know the White House doesn’t comment on the personal lives of the Senior Staff or any other staff for that matter. What is your source saying?”
“Now, you know I can’t reveal that.”
“I didn’t ask who it was; I asked what did they tell you?”
“That they’ve been in a secret relationship that the President didn’t tell anybody about. What’s with all the secrets?”
“Well, if they were in a relationship wouldn’t it be up to them comment on it? If the President had knowledge of such a relationship and felt that the American people needed to know about it or that it was a threat to national security, then I guess he would comment on it. But since he doesn’t, he hasn’t. And since I have no knowledge of such a relationship I can’t comment on it either.”
“Wait I know that look.”
“What look?”
“The look that says you know something.”
“You’re right; I do know a lot of things. I also know that in about fifteen minutes the President will be addressing all of you.”
“Oh come on CJ. That’s not fair.”
“I know, sucks doesn’t it?”
                She walked away from Danny and over to where Stan was working with Sam. CJ felt sorry for the car; it wouldn’t even be worthy of the scrap yard when he was done with. She was actually trying to see if Stan was going to address the press as the White House therapist but the Assistant Therapist stopped her and told her that she would be addressing them. Stan was stilling working with Sam. CJ stood still and listened to Sam for a few minutes while waiting for Lynn to get her notes. Sam had worked his way around to the other side of the car, going at the windows and left doors.
“Fuck YOU!”
*SHATTERING GLASS*
“How dare you break my heart you asshole?! I give you my heart and my love and you…you do this?” The dent on the rear left door was getting bigger and bigger with each blow of the sledgehammer.
“JOSHUA AVERY LYMAN I HATE YOU!!
FUCK YOU!!
    BASTARD!
ASSHOLE!
I HATE YOU, YOU PRICK!
DO YA HEAR THAT? I HATE YOU!”

Sam’s face was red with anger; his sweat and tears were intermingled, no distinction between the two. Sam was frustrated; the car wasn’t being destroyed fast enough for him. Each blow that made contact he imagined it as a blow to his father or to Josh. He opened the car door, stood on the seat and starting slamming the hammer into the roof. The fact that he was hurting, hurt CJ. When Lynn was ready, they walked back to the Senior Staff and towards the press core. She pointed Lynn in the direction of her staffer and promised to join them in a minute.
                CJ walked over to where Josh, Toby and Leo were standing. They were trying not to stare at Sam’s destruction project but couldn’t help but look in that direction every time they heard glass or the sound of hammer hitting metal.
“Have any of you had a turn yet?” She asked.
“Twice.” Toby replied. “The more I look at Sam I feel like I need to go again.”
“I’ve been.” Leo said.
“I haven’t.”
“Why not?” Toby asked. Josh shrugged.
“I don’t feel I need to.”
“Bullshit Josh.” CJ said as her anger rose. “Look at him! Look at what you’ve done. That poor man is over there literally calling you everything but a Child of God and you refuse to get angry at the fact that you two aren’t together anymore? You refuse to get pissed off that someone is trying to control your life, trying to control who you love? That doesn’t piss you off?” Josh just stood there with his arms crossed in front of him. “Well damn it, it’s pissing me off and I’m just a bystander!”
“What do you want me to do CJ? The situation is what it is.”
“I want you to get mad; I want you to fight for your relationship.”
“You think I’m not mad? You think I want to be apart from him? Well I don’t CJ; I love him.”
“Who are you trying to convince us or you?”
“Whatever CJ, I love him with all my heart.”
“You sure have a funny way of showing it.” CJ retorted.
“It’s because I love him and all of you that I did what I did. He’s not the only one suffering CJ. I’m hurting too.”
“Good luck proving that to the rest of us. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to let off some rage before I face the reporters.”
“I’m coming right behind you.” Toby said. Josh walked away trying to find a secluded place.
                Sam had finally spent all his energy and he could no longer lift the heavy sledgehammer. He slid down the side of the car, sitting in the dirt. His hair was disheveled; face all dirty and caked with mud made from his sweat and tears. His muscles were sore and he was breathless from crying. Sam’s voice was almost gone from releasing his anger in words. Stan took the hammer from him and knelt beside him.
“Sam, you have now released the majority of the negativity and anger you felt.”
“I’m so tired.” He said.
“As well as you should be. When we don’t release that pent up anger and frustration in our bodies it makes us sick. It manifests itself into something as simple as a cold or something as serious as a heart attack or a stroke. You haven’t been sleeping, what you did today should help. You’ve released the initial anger and this should help you be able to deal with the next steps.”
“Now what do I do?”
“The next step will be the pain and heartache. You’ve shed some tears today but nothing like what is coming. Don’t stop them from coming. If you cry for ten minutes or ten hours, let the tears flow. The pain will come out and eventually it will cleanse your soul. When you go to bed tonight, you will be completely drained physically and emotionally. That’s what these exercises do. When you are at your most vulnerable, you can begin to heal.”
“I’m tried of crying.”
“Oh, Sam you haven’t really cried yet. My doctor’s orders for today are for you to go home and shower. Use some muscle cream of you have it. Sit in a quiet place, think about your pain and let the tears come. If you have any thoughts, you can write them down and we’ll talk about them Tuesday. Ok?” Sam shrugged.
“Ok.” Stan stood and put out his hand to help Sam up.
“I know it doesn’t seem like it, but today was good Sam. Trust me.”
                President Bartlet had a few minutes to observe Sam before he had to address the press core. The strength that Sam was using to beat up the car was impressive. It let Jed know just how much Sam was hurting. Once the press core was seated, the conference began. CJ was nervous. She knew Danny wouldn’t ask the President what he asked her, but she didn’t know who else might. She silently prayed. The first question was about Sam.
“Mr. President, your Deputy Communications Director is giving that car the who-done-it-and-what-for. Care to comment?” He looked over in that direction as Sam was slamming the roof of the car.

“Well, I know he and Toby had some difference of opinions on a couple of speeches yesterday but I didn’t think the difference was that bad.” The reporters laughed a bit. “We’re laughing ladies and gentlemen but that is a perfect example of what can happen when we let stress get to us. Now in a few minutes Dr. Lynn Greenbrier who is the Assistant Therapist for the White House Staff will address you with the specifics of today.”

The pain and the proof…

                Sam surprised himself when he parked his car in the garage of his building. He managed to make it home. He got a few looks from other tenants in the building because of how he looked. He leaned on the door once inside his apartment. His first thought was to slide to the floor, but he knew if he did, he’d be too tired to get up. He walked towards his bedroom and into his en suite bathroom. While waiting for the water to heat up, he stripped himself of his clothes and examined his battle scars. He had a few minute cuts from flying glass; they would probably burn a little when the soap hit it. But it didn’t matter; he was already full of pain.
                As the water hit his body, he felt the muscles in his arms relax some. He was still going to be sore but at least this was a start. After bathing, he put on clean clothes and headed towards the kitchen. Sam decided that he needed to eat but only because he used up so much energy at the Rage Party. A turkey sandwich hit the spot for him. He headed towards his living room with his glass of water and plopped down on the couch. And for the first time in three days, he allowed himself to realize what exactly had happened to him. Recalling the conversation from Wednesday brought the tears to his eyes and he didn’t want to cry. But Dr. Keyworth’s words came back to mind…let the tears flow, cleanse your soul. He laid down on his couch in the fetal position and as he did, he was brought face to face with the picture of him and Josh on his coffee table.
Sam reached out to touch the picture. He remembered when it was taken- a couple’s anniversary party. Despite being an “in closet” couple in the political world they did have gay, lesbian and bisexual friends who knew the importance of keeping their relationship a secret. One of their friends was a photographer, constantly taking pictures. He took one of them just standing next to each other then later took of them kissing, without their knowledge. Carlton had manipulated the picture and in-laid the kiss above and to the left of the smiling one. They were so happy at that party. So happy.
The tears burned hot as they fell. Sam finally cried the way he should have. It was a cry of mourning; appropriate because the relationship and friendship both ended. Sam did not know how they would become friends again. He didn’t know if they could. He had given Josh his heart. He had never loved anyone else, not even Lisa, with the depth he felt for Josh. Sam cried so hard that his body shook with his sobs. He cried until he fell asleep.
Hours later he was awakened by a phone call. It was the doorman downstairs calling to tell him he had a visitor. Sam told him to send them up. He was so out of it that he didn’t hear the intercom. It was evening so Sam turned on a light. He had no idea who was coming to see him. Maybe it was Josh? Maybe he had a change of heart? A few minutes later, he heard the doorbell and he opened the door. It was CJ, accompanied by two Secret Service Agents.
“Hey Sam.”
“CJ. Why are you here? And with agents?”
“I’m on official White House business Sam.”
“Good evening Mr. Seaborn. We need to do a security sweep. It will just take a minute.”
“Be my guest,” Sam said stepping aside. He watched at the agents walked through his apartment, checking all the rooms.
“Thank you sir. We’ll be outside Ms. Cregg.”
“Thanks.”
“Come in have a seat.”
“Don’t mind if I do.”
“So, official business huh? I’m not being investigated am I?”
“No. Have you done something that requires that you be investigated?”
“No, just asking. Never see you on official business. What’s up?”
“Well, it turns out there is proof to Josh’s claim.”
“What? Has someone contacted the White House?”
“No. When the press core arrived today Danny Concannon asked me about a rumor he’d heard, wanting an off the record confirmation about the two of you. I asked about the source, of course he didn’t give it. I didn’t give him the answer he wanted. However after you left, Lem Stout, a fairly new reporter, came at me with the same question.”
“Did he hear your conversation with Danny?”
“No. I asked him about the source. He says he’s never met his source. The pictures just start arriving a few months ago.”
“Pictures? There are… pictures?”
“Yes.” She handed Sam a brown envelope. He hesitantly took it and opened it, but was afraid to look inside.
“Does Josh know?”
“Not yet. He’s the next stop.” Sam reached in and took out the pictures. His shoulders dropped when he saw the first one. It was of them dancing at the Inaugural Ball. “I take it you recognize it?”
“The Inaugural Ball. The Bartlets and Leo arranged for us to dance in the hallway outside the ball, a reward for helping him get elected.”
“Was anyone else there?”
“Just us and the Secret Service.” Sam looked through the rest of the pictures. “This one is from the campaign; we were asleep on the bus. More from the campaign. And this one…” he showed it to CJ “was the night of the DNC. We were standing on the balcony of the hotel. Shelia had booked me in a room with Toby again and instead of me staying there, I just went to Josh’s room. We had a couple of beers to celebrate and we were too tired to party with everyone else. So we just went to sleep in each other’s arms.” Sam smiled a little at the pleasant memory.
“Anyone ever come up to you to ask if they could take your picture?”
“No, never. Some of these are far away shots. But it’s the ones when we were surrounded by the Secret Service that concern me. The agents were there so no one else could be.”
“So you think an agent took these?”
“It’s the only thing that makes sense. We never really paid attention to them; we were just enjoying the time we could have together. And we’re always careful not to hold hands or kiss in public ‘casue we know we can’t be out like that. We kept all out intimacies to ourselves. I don’t know who could have taken these.”
“Well, knowing that you were with the agents when some of these were taken, helps a lot. It’s quite disturbing, but it helps.”
                The conversation didn’t get much easier once she got to Josh’s.
“Was Sam ok? I mean did he seem ok?”
“You could tell he’d been crying. You could tell he’s been hurt.”
“So what brings you by?”
“If I could provide you with proof of a threat, would you get back together with Sam?”
“Proof? What proof?” She handed Josh the envelope and told him what happened earlier. Josh looked through the photos of him and Sam, smiling at the one of them dancing. “We were so happy that night.”
“Would you?”
“Can you convince me that the threat isn’t a threat?”
“Not right now. We’re not even sure who it is. Lem’s never met the person who sent the pictures.”

“Find out who it is, and maybe…well just find out who it is.”

A/N2: So word count says 23 pages and around 9,450 words. Whoa 1,950 words over. Next up chapter 13…Time Apart
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The Journey to Love: Love and Politics