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To Chase a Feather in the Wind	By : OpenPage Category: 1 through F > 21 Jump Street Views: 1696 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own 21JS or the characters. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. All characters and events in this story are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead is coincidental.

Chapter List
- 11
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- 13
It has been pointed out to me that my portrayal of Penhall's character is inaccurate due to his perceived homophobic remarks regarding Dennis' rape. Therefore, I would like to state the following in defense of what I have written in previous chapters and what you are about to read in this chapter.
Doug's comment about how Booker must be feeling after the rape wasn't homophobic, it was just his clumsy way of trying to explain how HE would feel if it had happened to him. Then there is Tom's preconceived idea about how Penhall will react to his secret if he ever finds out. It is his belief that Doug would be appalled, but he doesn't know that for certain and his reaction (calling Doug homophobic) was an OVERREACTION given that Doug didn't really say anything more than what most straight men would be thinking.
Finally, Tom has kept a huge secret from his best friend and when Doug eventually does finds out, it would be only natural for his reaction to be disbelief, followed by denial, hurt and anger. But that doesn't mean he wouldn't support Tom. Penhall is fiercely loyal and I like to think that once he had time to get everything straight in his head, he would accept Tom's homosexuality without bias and be his biggest supporter, thereby defending him against any bigots.
So there it is in a nutshell. I'm sorry if any of you believe I have done an injustice to Penhall's character, but this is how the story played out in my head and therefore, to remain true to myself, this is how I have written it. I adore Penhall but I believe he is far more emotional than the character that was portrayed on the TV series. Also, if we are talking about realism, best friends DO sometimes let each other down and they aren't always as supportive as they should be.
I hope my explanation has cleared up any misunderstandings and that this next chapter will help to set the record straight.
In peace

OpenPage x
Tom flicked idly through one of the magazines that Penhall had bought for him but he could not concentrate on any of the articles. His mind was on Booker and he wondered what his reaction had been when he had received the note. He hoped that he would come in and visit so that they could talk things through and start to put the past behind them. More than anything, he did not want Dennis to feel completely responsible for what had happened because he knew he had also played a role in the devastating scenario. It was his thoughtless display of affection that had unleashed the unwanted memories in Booker’s mind and it was those memories that had ultimately pushed him over the edge and caused him to lose control of his reasoning. Dennis had reacted from fear; he had become the aggressor to save himself from being a victim again. It was psychology 101 but even though Tom understood it, he doubted his friends and colleagues would identify with the premise and therefore, he had no choice but to continue with his deception and pretend he did not know who had assaulted him.
The sound of footsteps pulled him from his thoughts and turning his head, he held his breath in expectation. But when Penhall walked through the door carrying a box of chocolates, he exhaled heavily, his face a mask of disappointment.
“Not exactly the greeting I was hoping for,” Penhall stated in a voice tinged with hurt.
Tom gave his friend an apologetic smile. “Sorry, I was hoping… I thought it might be Booker.”
Placing the box of chocolates on the bedside cabinet, Penhall pulled up a chair and sitting down, his expression became serious. “Tommy, there’s something you should know,” he advised in a gentle voice.
Fear gripped at Tom’s heart and he gave his friend a frightened look. “What? What’s happened?”
Sighing heavily, Doug decided there was no point in beating around the bush. “Booker’s missing,” he replied quietly.
Sitting upright in bed, Tom’s face visibly paled. “Missing? What do you mean missing?”
Doug chewed nervously on his lower lip. “He hasn’t shown up for work and he’s not at his apartment. Then this morning, Fuller gets a phone call from the county jail advising him that Booker visited Ferris yesterday. We think he may be trying to find Maurice Keppler, you know, to seek revenge.” He paused for a moment before asking the question that had been foremost on his mind since Booker’s disappearance. “Tom, do you think Keppler might have been the one who raped you?”
Tom ran a trembling hand across his mouth. If Booker had gone looking for Keppler, he knew it was not to seek revenge but to seek penance for what he had done. The memory of his tortured screams after the rape echoed in his mind and closing his eyes, he choked back a distressed sob. Everything was unraveling and he knew that the time had come to tell the truth because if Dennis had willingly gone to find Keppler, then that also meant he was willingly offering himself as a sex slave to a deranged psychopath. His life was now in grave danger and Tom knew that if he were to be found quickly, the truth would have to be divulged so the team knew what they were dealing with, regardless of the consequences.
When a gentle hand touched his shoulder, he jumped involuntarily and looking up, he stared at Penhall with tormented eyes. “No,” he choked, “Keppler didn’t do it... it was... it was Booker.”
Penhall’s eyes grew wide with shock. “What? WHAT?!”
Tom’s eyes pleaded with his friend to understand. “He didn’t mean it Doug, I did something stupid and—”
“HE DIDN’T MEAN IT? HE DIDN’T MEAN IT?” Doug shouted hysterically. “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? YOU’RE DEFENDING HIM AFTER EVERYTHING HE DID TO YOU? JESUS CHRIST HANSON, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?”
Tears spilled from Tom’s eyes and covering his face with his hands, he started to cry. “It’s my fault, it’s all my fault and now he’s gone searching for Keppler and that maniac is going to hurt him Doug, he’s going to hurt—”
Doug stood up so violently, his chair crashed loudly to the floor. “FUCK BOOKER!” he screamed as he paced agitatedly around the small room. “He deserves to be tortured. He raped you Tom! He fucking raped you!”
Tom’s head shook violently from side to side. “No, no, no! You don’t understand! It was my fault, I came on to him and—”
At Tom’s confession, Doug stopped dead in his tracks and stared at his friend. “You did what?” he asked incredulously.
It was then that Tom realized what he had said and his heart missed a beat. But there was no turning back, his secret was out and he had no choice but to tell the truth. Clenching his hands into tight fists, he tried to control the panic that was constricting his chest, making it difficult for him to breathe. “Doug,” he began in a shaky voice, “there’s something you should know about me… I'm attracted to men.”
Penhall held out his hands and took a step backwards. “No,” he muttered, his head refusing to believe what his heart now knew to be true. “Tom I don’t believe—”
“It’s true!” Tom cried out in anguish. “Please Doug, don’t push me away… please! You’re my best friend, I don’t want to lose you… I can’t lose you!”
The impact of Tom’s words hit Doug like a freight train and rushing forward, he gathered Tom in his arms and held him close. “Of course you won’t lose me,” he soothed in a soft voice. “Jesus Tommy, why didn’t you tell me before?”
Wiping the tears from his eyes, Tom pulled away from Doug’s embrace. “Because of that look in your eyes,” he muttered.
Doug’s mouth twitched nervously. “What look?”
Tom lowered his gaze. “That look of disgust,” he whispered.
Running a hand through his hair, Doug tried to gather his thoughts. His best friend had just admitted that he slept with men and he could not deny it, it was a huge shock. He was accepting of people’s life choices but as a straight man, the thought of two men engaging in sexual intercourse made him cringe. However, because he loved Tom like a brother, he was prepared to do everything in his power to make things right between them.
Sighing heavily, he reached out and took Tom’s hand in his. “I’m not disgusted Tommy,” he explained quietly, “I’m just shocked, that’s all.”
Tom’s head jerked up and his lower lip pushed into a petulant pout. “Don’t lie to me Doug,” he muttered sulkily, “I can see it in your eyes, I repulse you.”
Snatching his hand away, Doug stood up. “So that’s how it’s gonna be, huh?” he snapped, forgetting his previous vow to make everything right with Tom. “You drop this huge bombshell confession on me and I’m not allowed to react? Well fuck you Hanson, I’ve every right to be shocked and I've every right to be pissed off. I’m your best friend and you didn’t trust me enough to confide in me!”
It was then that Tom realized he was being unfair. He had just revealed a massive secret and it was only logical that Penhall would need time to come to terms with it. Lowering his head again, he began to pick nervously at the thin blanket on his bed. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “I know I should have told you but…” His voice trailed off and sighing miserably, he lay back against his pillows. “I was afraid it would ruin our friendship.”
Sitting back down on the bed, Doug gave his friend a measured look. “Lies ruin friendships Tom,” he replied quietly. When Hanson remained silent, he exhaled wearily and stood up. “Maybe I should go.”
As he turned to walk away, he felt a warm hand grasp his wrist. “No, Doug, please,” Tom pleaded, “I need you to find Booker.”
Once again, Doug felt his anger rising and turning around, he stared down at Tom with narrowed eyes. “And why would I do that?” he asked through gritted teeth. “He raped you Tom and he deserves to be punished. I hope he does find Keppler because then he’ll get what's coming to him... a world of pain.”
Tom’s dark eyes filled with grief. “Don’t say that,” he whispered wretchedly.
“Why the hell not?” Doug asked impassively. “After what he did to you, why do you keep defending him?”
A single tear trickled down Tom’s face. “Because I love him.”
**
Tears streamed down Dennis’ face and he cried out in pain as Conan rotated a fist deep inside his anus. “Have you been a bad boy, baby doll?” the deranged man asked, his voice dripping with arousal.
“Yes,” Dennis gasped, his head hanging low and his arms and legs shaking uncontrollably as he struggled to remain on all fours. “I’m bad… I’m bad… I’m bad…”
Conan suppressed a laugh but he continued to grin manically at the sight of the blood oozing from Dennis’ damaged anus. “Did you hurt Officer Hanson?” he taunted and shifting his position, he began to pump his fist inside Dennis’ body. “Did you make him cry?”
Dennis screwed his eyes closed and concentrated on not passing out. “Yes,” he sobbed. “Oh God! I didn’t mean to hurt him… I didn’t—”
“But you did,” Conan admonished in a stern voice whilst continuing to fist the young officer. “You hurt him… then you killed him.”
Booker’s eyes flew open and he shook his head violently back and forth. “NO! I didn’t! I didn’t kill him… I didn’t kill him!”
“Oh but you did baby doll,” Conan crooned softly and picking up a knife with his free hand he pressed it against Dennis’ stomach and drew the tip of the blade against the taut skin. “I heard it on the news, he died and it’s all… your… fault.”
Dennis cried out in pain as the knife penetrated his belly and looking down he could see dark red blood dripping onto the wooden floorboards beneath him. “Oh God, I killed him!” he sobbed and his grief was so overwhelming that he no longer felt the hot searing pain that coursed through his damaged body. “Oh Tommy I’m sorry! I’m SORRY!”
Conan’s ice-blue eyes glinted with pleasure. He had been surprised to find Booker on his doorstep and even more astounded when the dark haired officer had begged for punishment. But the opportunity was too good to pass up and he would feed Dennis any bullshit lie that popped into his mind just so he would continue to beg to be punished, because punishing his baby doll was what Conan did best.
**
Pulling up a chair, Doug sat down and stared at Tom incredulously. “You’re in love with Booker?”
A deep blush stained Tom’s cheeks and he quickly averted his eyes. “Yes,” he muttered. A long silence hung in the air between the two men before Tom turned his head and gazed at Doug with pain-filled eyes. “I made a huge mistake Doug,” he confessed quietly. “I don’t know why I did it but I told him how beautiful he was and he… well… he just snapped.”
A large vein protruded from Doug’s forehead as he systematically clenched and unclenched his jaw. “And that’s when he raped you?” he asked coldly.
Tom nodded miserably. “But it wasn’t him Doug, it was almost like he was possessed. The things he said… I think he was reliving what was done to him.”
Doug’s voice remained frosty. “So what you’re saying is, you forgive him because he wasn’t himself, is that it?” Before Tom could answer, Doug continued in a soft voice, “Or maybe you forgive him because it’s what you wanted.”
Tom’s mouth dropped open and he stared at Penhall in shock. “You think I wanted to be raped? Jesus Christ Doug, how can you say that?”
Burying his face in his hands, Doug let out an anguished moan. “I don’t know!” he cried, his normally happy voice now filled with torment. “This whole situation is so fucked up I don’t know what to think!”
Reaching out a hand, Tom rested it on Penhall’s bowed head. “I know it is,” he muttered, “but I need you Doug, I need you to find Booker.”
Lifting his head, Doug studied his friend’s face. “Is that what you really want?” he asked quietly.
“Yes,” Tom replied simply. “It is.”
Sighing heavily, Doug nodded his head. “Okay Hanson, but I’m only doing this because you asked me to. I still think Booker should be—”
“Doug don’t,” Tom pleaded softly, his face now showing signs of weariness, "I don't want to hear it."
Penhall’s expression softened and he gave his friend a half-hearted smile. “Okay buddy, whatever you want.”
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To Chase a Feather in the Wind