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Cupid's Little Helper	By : Scribe Category: S through Z > Xena Views: 3620 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Xena, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Cupid's Little Helper
Chapter Fourteen
Tha Dawn of Strategy
Tha next mornin I untangled myself from Cupe an' got
up, dressin with a thought. Then I started ta prod
his butt, change min mind, an� pinched it instead.
His yelp was half muffled bs pis pillow, an� he rolled
ovah, rubbin tha pink patch. �That�s it. I�m
reporting you to Hera for abuse.�

�Only works if yer inna oh-ficial re-lationship,
cuz.�

�Oh.� He sat up, lookin sad.

I leaned ovah an� planted a firm kiss on his mouth.
�We ain�t official yet, babe.�

He started ta smile. �Yet? As in �to happen at a
future date�?�

�You betcha.� I kissed him again. �If ya still want
me aftah tha embarrent ent I�m probably gonna cause ya
before this mess is ovah.�

I was still leanin ovah him, an' he wrapped his arms
around my neck an' pulled me back on toppa him. "What
do you think?" He lifted his hips, an' I felt a firm
nudge against my belly.

�I�d say that�s a fair indicatah.� I moved ta
straddle him an� started slidin slowly back an� forth.

�Strife, look at my other relations. Do you honestly
think I can�t handle a little scandal? Oo, that�s
nice.�

We were movin tagethah, findin a nice rhythm, when...

FLASH

squeal �Daddy!�

�Oh, crap!� I rolled offa him just in time ta miss
bein� Bliss-creamed.

There was a titter, then �Oops!�

�For crying out loud, Mom! Haven�t you ever heard of
knocking?� Cupe struggled up undah a weight of
Bliss, then kissed him on tha tip of his nose. �Hey,
baby boy. Did you have a good time with Grandma
�Dite?�

�Yeah! She lemme play with her potions.�

�Mom!�

She waved her hand, �Oh, don�t get ruffled, sweetie.
I denatured them before I handed them over. The worst
he could have done was inspire a 24 hour crush.� She
bounced ovah an� sat on tha edge of thd. �d. �Hi,
Strife.�

�Hey, Dite.� I looked at Cupid. �Ya know, I think
they have, like, kiddie doors, but I got no idea what
we�re gonna do about tha in-laws.�

Dite an� Cupe smiled like sunshine breakin through thloudlouds, but Bliss threw his arms around me an� said,
worried, �Stwife! You got laws after you?�

I laughed. �Uh, probably, brat, but don�t worry about
it.�

He put his hands on my belly with a look of
concentration on his face. �Well, you better be
careful. You don�t got a baby yet, but when you do
you don�t want laws after you.�

�Blissy-baby, I don�t wanna disappoint ya, but even if
I esd preggers it�d be quite a while before ya could
feel tha little booger kickin.�

�Yeah, but I�m not feeling for a kick.�

Maybe I shouldn�ta pushed it, but I couldn�t resist.
�Well, then what are ya feelin for?�

�Mm...� He thought. �Kind of a tickle. Uh, you know
sometimes on a cold day when things are all crackly?�

Cupid piped up. �Static. Makes my feathers go every
which way.�

Bliss nodded. �What he said.�

�He�s talking about life force.� Dite petted Bliss�s
curls. �Sweetie, only the big gods can detect that,
and it isn�t easy.�

He shrugged. �I knowed with Joxie.�

�Can�t argue with that.� Cupid grins. �You know that
tendency Joxer has to faint? Keeled right over when
Bliss asked him how the baby went to the bathroom in
his tummy. Dad caught him before he hit the ground,
but he still almost had a fit. Say,� he bent down to
whisper in Bliss�s ear. �Did you have another dream
last night, Bliss?�

He nodded vigorously. �Uh huh.�

We all leaned forward. He looked at us, round eyed,
an� popped a thumb in his mouth. I pulled it out.
�Okay, spill it.�

He looked indignant. �Did not spill it! I told
Granpa Ares that Mjau did it!�

�Tell us about your dream, honey,� Cupid urged.

He giggled. �It was funny!� We held our breath. He
giggled again. �Pink bunnies! With funny dark things
over their eyes, and playing a drum, and going, and
going, and going...�

I looked at him curiously. �Ya know, I�ll haftemememember that. I bet a lot of those little boogers
could drive people batty. So...� I cleared my
throat. �Was, uh, was I in tha dream?� He shook his
head, and I wilted in relief. Well, I wouldn�t have
been, would I? We hadn�t done that.

Cupe got up, dressin with a thought. �Mom, could you
take Bliss by Demeter�s place for the day?�

Bliss�s bottom lip trembled. �D-a-d!�

I patted Blischeecheek. �Hang in there, kiddo. This
should be ovah soon, then you �n me �n your daddy�ll
hang tagethah, huh? Maybe have a picnic? I can
promise that tha ants an� flies will stay away. Aftah
all, they work for me.�

Bliss gave us all sloppy kisses, an� waved goodbye as
Dite flashed off with him. Cupe looked at me an�
said, �Okay. Now what?�

�Geez, cuz,� I twitched wunna his feathahs. �I�m
wingin it here.� He groaned, and rolled his eyes.
�Damara is gonna be takin up her ususal chores taday.
That�ll give me a chance ta visit her as myself
instead of as a broad.�

�Okay. Hera�s temple.�

He reached for me, an� I said, �Whoa. It ain�t that I
don�t enjoy tha first class ride, Cupe, but I really
need ta learn how ta do this right on my own. Ya
ain�t gonna be around all tha time.�

�I intend to be around most of the time.�

�I hope so, too, babe, but we gotta be practical.� I
held out my hand. �Let�s just latch on, hun?� He
looked a little petulant. I took a breath. �Look, I
know ya wanna protect me, but some things I hafta do
myself, okay? Now come on an� lemme try. Ya don�t
want me ta embarrass myself by whoopsing in front of
Bliss or Unc, do ya?�

He smiled as he took and.and. �What about Joxer?
You�re not worried about whoopsing in front of him?�

I shrugged. �With tha amount of upchucking he did tha
first two months he was preggeHe�dHe�d understand.�

FLASH

I took one step when we materialized, an� that was
all. There was only tha tiniest lift in my guts, an�
I didn�t come anywhere near spewin. I was proud of
myself.

If tha women waitin in tha outah room at tha temple
thought it was odd ta see two gods materialize holdin
hands, they didn�t say anythin. Well, they wouldn�t,
would they? Not if they had good sense, since I was
wunna tha gods involved.

Cupid started toward tha innAH door, but I went ovah
an� took a seat on wunna tha benches. Cupid hesitated
an� came back, lookin questionin. �I think I oughta
wait my turn. They�re gonna be miffed enough as it is
without me tryin ta barge in.�

Cupid looked around tha waitin room, and all tha women
looked back at him. I don�t blame �em. Even though
they were there for mAn troubles, Cupid sorta
transcended tha whole male/female thing. �It looks
like it may be awhile. Would you mind if I went and
took care of a few things?�

I waved. �G�wan. Check back by. If I�m not here,
I�ll be at tha tavern, talkin ta Anieli.�

�Hmph. Well, make sure that he dhe does is talk.� He
sparkled outta there.

I met a few curious stares with level looks an� it
wasn�t long before they lost interest in me. Well,
mosta them, anyway. Tha little old bird sittin nexta
me said, �I think your young man is jealous.�

�Ya think?�

�Yes, but of course he has no reason to be.�

Now I was curious. �Ya think?�

She nodded. �Why, yes. It�s so obvious that you love
him.�

Now I was blushin, an� I could tell that my voice was
shy. �Ya think?�

She laughed. �I know you can say something other than
that.�

I grinned at her. �Ya think?� She laughed again.
�Yah, I guess I do love �im.� I lowered my voice.
�Keep it undah yer toga, though, huh? It�s s�posed
ta be a secret.�

She lowered her voice, too. �You can trust me, dear.
I�ve keplot lot of secrets in my life.� She cocked
her head. �Why are you here? We don�t get many men
in here. Usually... uh...� She looked embarrassed.

�Yah, I know. Usually tha men are tha troubles.�

�So, why are you here?�

I crossed my legs at tha knee, claspin my hands ovah
them. �My time of tha month has been kinda painful
lately. I thought maybe they could gimme some
advice.�

She looked confused for a moment, but perfectly
willing ta believe me. �Oh.�

�How about you?�

�Oh. Um...� She nervously rubbed her arm. �Well,
you see...�

�Wouldn�t happen ta be wunna those secrets ya keep,
huh?�

�Um, not exactly...�

I flipped up her sleeve. There were dark marks on her
pale skin, almost bracelettin it. I flipped up tha
othah sleeve, an� it was tha same. My eyes narrowed.
I�ve sported those same sorta marks enough ta
recognize them--fingermarks. Someone had grabbed tha
old bird hard. Those sorta marks usually meant that
tha bruisee had been given a good shake, too. I said
quietly, �Who?�

�I... Well... I really shouldn�t have said anything to
my daughter�s husband, but we�d beevingving that money
for milk for the baby, and... and he never wins when
he plays dice, he knows that.�

I materialized a quill an� a sheet of parchment.
�What�s his name an� where does he live?� I was
already plannin a list of things ta do to him.

I think she finally realized who I was, an her eyes
got big. �Oh, sir. Look, I know he�s not much good,
but my girl loves him, and it would be awful hard on
her with a baby and no husband.�

�Oh, all right.� I got rid of tha parchment an'
quill. �On one condition. I don�t know how much good
they can do ya here. I want ya ta go ta tha Freebitch
Tavern, tha one on tha outskirts of town. You�ll find
a buncha Amazons drinkin there. I want ya ta tell
them just exactly what ya told me. Can ya do that?�

She smiled. �Oh, yes, I can do that. I like Amazons.
They�re all such big, healthy girls.� She leaned
ovah an� gave me a kiss on tha cheek. �Thank you,
dear.�

I watched her go, an� smiled. If I couldn�t take care
of tha granny-beatin slimeball, then tha Amazons were
tha next best thing. st wst wished I could be there
ta see what they�d do ta him when they caught him.

I suddenly realized that all tha othah women were
watchin me, an' they looked nervous. Eh, it's
undahstandable, especially when I smile like that.
Damara came out inta tha waitin room and looked
around. "Right. Who's next?" Silence, an' they all
pointed at me.

I wiggled my fingahs an' got up, goin ovah to her. She
stared. "Uh... you do know that this is Hera's
temple, right?"

"I oughta know my own grandma's place."

"Oh." She cleared her throat. "How can I help you?"

"Yah mean I don't even get a private consultation,
like tha rest of tha broads?"

"Well..."

I looked at tha women an' said indignantly, "Now, is
that fair?" They all shook their heads so quick an'
so hard that hairpins went flyin.

"Oh, all right." She led me inta a little room. I
took a seat, an' she sat across from me. "Strife,
right?"

"Tha one an' only, an' I wouldn't say 'thank Zeus'
about that if I were you."

"I have better sense. What seems to be..." She
paused, and looked at me moreselysely. "Say, do you
have a sister?"

"I might. Ya can ask my old man, if ya evah locate
him, which is more than me an' Ma were evah able ta
do. If ya do find him, be sure ta let me know. He's
got a butt kickin that's been gatherin interest."

"Why are you here?"

"Ya had a visit from a broad named Impetua tha othah
night?"

She frowned. "Yes, and don't you dare do anything to
her. She's a nice girl."

I smoothed my hair. "Thanks. Anyway, ya know what
she told ya?"

"Yes. She told me that you were responsible for all
the disasters that happened at my wedding."

"And?"

"And I'd like to thank you."

"Huh?" Well, that wasn't what I'd been expectin.
"Uh, I don't wanna be rude or anythin, but what tha
fuck is that s'posed ta mean?"

"If things had proceeded smoothly, I might have been
married to that toad before I found out what a
two-timing louse he was."

"But he's not a two-timing louse. Believe me, tha
doofus isn't co-ordinated enough ta juggle two dames
at one time."

"He was doing all right juggling with one." She made
a weighing, tossing motion with both hands.

I winced. That boob-gropin bit was gonna be hard ta
get past. I looked her dead in tha eyes. "I snapped
her straps an' he was just tryin ta get things back in
place."

"Really? I might believe that, if he'd been handling
her dress. I haven't yet known any woman who was in
danger of having her chest fall off."

I thought about my falsies from last night. "Ya'd be
surprised. Anyways, ya see, it wasn't really his
fault. I set him up. Hell, he'd have had ta have had
his goodies removed ta resist that."

"Feel free to remove them now so no other woman will
have to deal with his future infidelities."

"But... but I'm tellin' ya, I practically led him
there by his pride an' joy.

"

"You can lead a man to nookie, but you can't make him
grope."

I was feelin a little desperate. "C'mon, Damara.
Haven't you evah been tempted?"

"Yes, but I never succumbed."

"Neithah did he."

"Not from lack of trying."

"Aw, he wasn't gonna do anythin else."

"Yeah, sure."

"Can't ya try ta undahstand?"

"I understand well enough." She stood up. "If you're
apologizing, I accept, but if you're trying to get me
to forgive Anieli, forget it." She went ta tha door
an' opened it. I got up an' started toward it, feelin
kinda droopy. Things weren't goin too well. "And you
can tell Anieli that if he knew how I felt, he
wouldn't prolong this farce by trying to win me back.
Good-bye."

I shuffled out. I decided ta walk ovah ta tha tavern,
rathah than flashin there. I wanted time ta think.
Somethin that she'd said was nigglin at my mind. I
thought that I might work somethin out if I could just
turn it tha right way, look at it from tha right
angle.

See it from tha othah side...
- 12
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- 14
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Cupid's Little Helper