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After the End	By : Bloodyrose82 Category: M through R > Queer As Folk Views: 2114 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Queer As Folk, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-After the End
- 2-515
- 3-516
- 4-517
- 5-518
- 6-519
- 7-520
- 8-521
- 9-522
- 10-523
- 11-524
- 12-525
- 13-526
- 12
- 13
Prologue

Some people say that after the end always comes a new beginning; that farewell doesn�t always mean goodbye.

But is it always realistic to think that there will be yet another chance? Sometimes the end does mean just that, the final closing on a chapter of your life.

Sometimes you just have to accept, however hard it may be, that sometimes doors do remain firmly shut, that yet another part of your life has passed on by.

But what does it all mean in the end? Does every single encounter teach a lesson, or are they relegated to memories, packed up in boxes like dog-eared photographs, taken out once a year to pour over and say �I remember when��?

They say that love will always come around again, for everyone, and that one day you will smile over the faces that have begun to fade, but what if your name is Brian Kinney and it took you thirty years to learn how to love in the first place?

What if you don�t want to find that again?

-*-

I. Brian

You awoke to an empty bed and buried your face into the pillow, resigning the evening before to a cruel dream your subconscious cooked up for the express purpose of taunting you with what you couldn�t have.

"Morning."

You opened one eye and looked up to see Justin hovering next to the bed, wearing his dress pants with one of your t-shirts, his button up shirt and tie bundled under one arm.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and reached over to brush your hair from your eyes.

"I have to go," he said, looking apologetic. "It�s nearly noon and I need to go back to my mom�s and pack and say goodbye to her before she leaves for work."

"She isn�t taking you to the airport?" You sat up and rubbed sleep out of your eyes.

"No. She isn�t going to be around. I�m going to take a cab."

"I�ll take you."

The words were out before you realized you had even opened your mouth, and you looked a little sheepish at your outburst.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "I don�t mind taking a cab."

"You�ll be lucky to get one at that time," you said, trying to recover yourself. "And it�s stupid paying the fare when I could drive you."

He nodded slowly, looking a bit reluctant, as if it wasn�t exactly the best idea you had ever come up with.

You supposed it wasn�t. It was one thing knowing he had gone and another to actually see him walk through that gate and disappear, leaving you standing amongst the other people who were waving goodbye.

It could almost be termed masochistic, if you were into that type of thing.

"You mentioned going to Woody�s this afternoon," you said, pulling yourself out of bed. "How about I meet you there?"

He nodded again and stood up, clutching his bundle of clothes. "That�s fine."

You stood and stared at each other for a moment, as if there was something else each of you wanted to say, but couldn�t quite bring yourselves to do so.

He smiled, although it looked a little forced, and reached up to peck you on the lips. "I�ll see you later," he said, and then he was gone.

You sat back down on the edge of the bed after you heard the loft door closing behind him, the silence echoing around your head.

So, it was back to it being strained again, the easiness of the night before vanishing with the morning light and the looming knowledge of what was to come.

It was as if you felt like strangers trying hard not to invade the other�s space.

You decided right there and then that you wouldn�t allow it to end like that.

-*-

II. Justin

A part of you felt relieved as you left the loft. You had experienced many �mornings after� with Brian, but none had felt as awkward as this.

You had wanted to roll over in bed when you realized what day it was, and take his arm, throwing it over your waist as if you could pretend he was keeping you there and it was simply physically impossible for you to get up.

But you knew it was going to happen anyway, whether you liked it or not, so you had forced yourself up out of bed and into the shower.

You were surprised when he had offered to drive you to the airport, pretty certain that when he woke up he would just want to say goodbye as quickly as possible, getting it over with, cutting loose the final ties.

You had prepared yourself mentally, telling yourself over and over that you wouldn�t make it any more difficult that it had to be, that you would just hug him and kiss him one last time, focusing everything you had on what it felt like so you could remember it for a while.

So when he had offered it had startled you, stopping you in your tracks for a second and you tried to come up with a new plan.

You weren�t particularly sure that it was a good idea to drag it out, playing out your goodbyes in public for everyone around you to see, but the way he had said it, looking like he had surprised even himself, had prevented you from turning him down. If he wanted to hold on until then, who were you to deny him? However hard it would be for you, if he felt it better that way then you would go along with it, for his sake if nothing else.

After all, once you were on the flight you have plenty of time to cry about it then.

You left the loft, mechanically putting one foot in front of the other on the sidewalk, letting your body automatically take you away from him, while a little voice inside you head whispered for you to go back.

Brian wasn�t the only one you were leaving, although he was by far the worst, and you forced yourself to focus on the rest of the day, pushing back the six o� clock flight to the dark recesses of your mind where you could deal with it later, after you had dealt with everything else first.

You stuck your key in your mother�s front door, turning it, and went inside.

"Finally!" she said, looking up when you entered the kitchen. "I was starting to think you would never return."

You smiled and sat down at the counter as she poured you some coffee, shutting up the little voice inside of you that said you probably never would again.

-*-

III. Brian

The phone rang as you were still sitting there on the bed, wondering if it would really matter if you called into the office and told Cynthia that you wouldn�t be in for another day.

It wasn�t like you were going to get any work done if you did go in anyway, and between them, Cynthia and Theodore managed perfectly well by themselves these days, if the security of the Brown account was anything to go by.

You pulled yourself up reluctantly and went through into the living room, picking up the phone before the answering machine had time to kick in.

"What?"

"Brian?" It was Mikey, and you rolled your eyes, preparing for a telling off about leaving the dance early the previous night.

But he managed to surprise you.

"I thought we could go to Babylon tonight," he said. "Ben�s working late and Hunter�s off with that new girlfriend of his."

"I don�t think I really feel like it, Mikey," you said, reaching for the pack of cigarettes on the counter and lighting one. "I was just going to stay in."

"We could do that," he replied, sounding altogether too cheerful. "We could order some food in and get high, just like the good old days."

You sighed. The �good old days�? They were long gone. Since then, Mikey had fallen in love with Ben, and you�had found Justin and watched while he walked right out of your life.

"Maybe some other time. I don�t really want to get high."

"Well, we don�t have to," he said, the strain in his voice coming down the line. "We could just rent some movies."

"I don�t want any company."

There, you had said it.

You took another drag on your cigarette, waiting to see how he would talk his way around that.

He sighed and you visualized him shifting his weight onto his other foot, wrapping the cord of the phone around his fingers as he debated with himself.

"Brian, I don�t think it�s a good idea for you to mope around on your own."

"Who the fuck said anything about moping?"

You could almost hear him rolling his eyes. "Right. We both know that�s what you�re going to do the minute he leaves." He paused, a sudden thought occurring to him. "Is he there now?"

"Justin?" You asked innocently. You could be an annoying shit sometimes.

"Of course Justin! Who the hell did you think I meant?"

"No, he�s not here. He left fifteen minutes ago to go back to Jennifer�s and pack."

"I�m sorry."

"No, you�re not." You were rapidly growing tired of the conversation, and considered putting the phone down. "You�ve never liked Justin."

"Fuck you! I like Justin plenty. I just don�t like seeing you in the state he always fucking manages to leave you in."

"I�m fine." You took another drag on your cigarette, debating whether to make some coffee. It seemed like too much hassle and you decided a trip to the diner made far more sense.

"Sure. Then come out tonight."

It was such a pathetic attempt at trying to manipulate you that you almost laughed. It was so fucking typical of Mikey.

"I already told you no. If you want to see me then come to Woody�s around three."

"You won�t go to Babylon but you�re quite willing to go to Woody�s?" He sounded skeptical, and rightly so.

"Justin�s meeting Emmett, Theodore, Melanie and Linds there for a goodbye drink."

"Shit, and you want me to go?"

"No," you told him, trying to stay patient. "I�m telling you that if you want to see me, that�s where I will be."

He sighed again; it was becoming a habit. You hoped he was as tired of this as you were. "Why are you going?" he asked. "Haven�t you seen enough of him?"

"I have to go. I�m driving him to the airport." You paused, waiting for the explosion.

"You�re what?! Are you insane?"

"Some people seem to think so, yes." You smirked and took a final drag on your cigarette before grinding it out.

"It would be pointless of me to try and talk you out of it, wouldn�t it?" he said, sounding rather annoyed.

"Good boy, Mikey, you�re learning. Now, I have things to do. See you at three."

"I guess so," he grumbled.

You smiled and hung up, placing the phone down on the counter. At least now there was one less thing to worry about. With Mikey it was easy to get around him, almost too much so, but you were always thankful that you could. The last thing you wanted to do was go to Babylon.

It was alright going after Justin left for New York the first time, letting Mikey persuade you to reopen. All you had wanted to do was dance until your feet hurt, then curl yourself around some sweaty stranger, losing yourself in the depths of their body. But this time it was different.

The club seemed so fucking pointless without him around to enjoy it with.

Everything did.

-*-

IV. Justin

You felt strange sitting with your mother, watching as she made you brunch, smiling happily as if though she knew that in many ways you didn�t need her anymore, this was one thing she could still do for you.

Molly was watching cartoons in the living room, squealing occasionally, and it almost made you wish you could be her age again, when nothing really seemed to matter. She would miss you, you knew that, but she simply didn�t view it as the big deal everyone else was making it out to be,; the big deal you knew it was.

"You look wistful," your mother commented, and you glanced up to find her studying you.

"I guess I am. The vacation has flown by."

"I know," she replied. "You wait until you get to my age. Everything will go by so much faster then."

You smiled and pushed your eggs around on your plate. "That�s what Debb says."

Your mother smiled back, continuing to watch you with that steady gaze, as if she could assess what you were thinking by the look on your face.

"Justin?" she asked. "Are you happy?"

Fuck, talk about a complex question.

You tilted your head, toying with your fork. Were you?

For the most part, you thought you were. Brian aside, you loved what you did. There was a time, right after the bashing, when you thought you would never be able to hold a pencil again, let alone paint, so to be able to make enough money to live on, catching the eye of every person who mattered in New York, it was a dream come true.

"For the most part, yes," you answered honestly, looking up to meet her gaze.

She nodded and ate silently for a while, before putting down her cutlery and looking at you again. "I�m glad, Justin, I really am. I know there are some things you could change if you could--"

"Dad."

"Like your father, yes, but you should be pleased with how you--"

"And Brian."

She sighed and reached across the table, touching your arm. "I know you wish it could be different with Brian."

You nodded, letting out a breath. "Yeah�"

"But there will be other people, Justin, believe me. Other men you can love."

You shrugged. It was probably true. "Not in the same way."

"You�re young still," she began, and you glared at her. "No, don�t get uptight. I�m not trying to discredit your feelings. I�m just saying that rarely is a person�s first love their last."

"Brian isn�t just my first love, my only love. He�s the first everything."

"I know," she replied, looking almost sad. "Your�relationship with Brian," she chose her words carefully, "is probably more mature than all of the relationships I�ve ever had."

You watched her in silence, wondering where she was going with this, and whether she had any clue herself.

"I�m just saying it may feel like the end of the world," she said quietly, "but there is life beyond Brian Kinney."

You forced a smile on your face and continued eating your eggs. You knew there was life beyond Brian, you had seen it. You had even managed to experience some of it. But it didn�t mean that you were particularly fond of it, and that wherever you went, however many paintings you sold, however happy you were, a piece of your heart always lived in Pittsburgh, lying next to him in his bed at the loft.

And it was a part you knew you would never get back.

-*-

V. Brian

You walked into the diner, not even bothering to pretend to look happy -what was the point?- and slid into a booth opposite Theodore.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" you asked. "Aren�t you supposed to be at work?"

He gave you a look as if to say �look who�s talking� and put down his sandwich, gesturing towards it. "It�s called a lunch break, Brian. I�m sure even you have heard of it. It�s the most important meal of the day after breakfast."

You snorted, looking up when Debb came over with her order pad. "Where the fuck did you and Sunshine get to last night?" she asked.

Mikey may have let you get away with it, but you should have known better than to think she ever would.

"We had some personal business to attend to," you replied.

"In other words, you wanted to get him back to the loft and fuck his brains out." You glanced up as Emmett flounced around Debb and slid into the seat next to Theodore.

You gave him a glare.

Debb laughed and snapped her gum. "That explains everything. Still," she narrowed her eyes at you, "I�m pissed he didn�t dance with me before he left."

She took yours and Emmett�s orders and moved away from the table to take a couple of other�s.

You sat in silence, playing with your napkin. You could feel the weight of Emmett and Theodore�s gaze, and glanced up at them. "What?"

Theodore shook his head and looked back down at his lunch. You hated the expression on both of their faces, as if they expected you to break down at any moment and wail that Justin was leaving today.

"It�s okay to be sad, Brian," Emmett began, and you scoffed.

"Why the fuck would I be sad? Kinnetik is raking in more money than ever." You paused when Theodore gave you a smug little smile, the bastard. "And the club is doing pretty well, too."

"I�m talking about matters of the heart."

"My cholesterol has dropped a point. My doctor told me last month."

Emmett rolled his eyes. "Not the muscle, the emotion."

Like you didn�t know.

"I�m going to miss him too," Emmett continued. "He�s only just come back and he�s going again." He pouted a little.

Christ, why did you always have to be surrounded by a bunch of fags?

"He�s making the right decision," you said, picking up your fork when Debb placed your plate in front of you and crossed her arms, standing by the side of the booth to listen in on your conversation. "If I was him I would go to New York too. And I�d never come back."

Debb raised an eyebrow, and Emmett and Ted just stared.

"Well, I wouldn�t!" you said defensively, with a shrug. "What the fuck has Pittsburgh got to offer him?"

You could almost see the big neon �you� that hung above their heads in little thought bubbles like they had in the comic books Mikey read.

You sniffed and speared a piece of chicken. "No, he�s definitely doing the right thing," you continued, swallowing hard.

You wondered whom you were trying to convince.

"You could visit him," Theodore spoke up. "Like I was telling you the other day, it wouldn�t harm the New York accounts if you applied the personal touch."

"Doesn�t he always apply the personal touch?" Emmett laughed, and you ignored him.

"I�m going to be busy here," you replied, remembering what Justin had told you in Woody�s, that it was better to cut all ties.

You momentarily envisioned pulling out pieces of your brain that contained his memories, unravelling them like lengths of string.

Everyone was silent for a few minutes, and it felt like the atmosphere was made of molasses, it was so thick.

There wasn�t anything else to be said. He was going, and that was that. They knew what you were feeling, however much you hated that they knew you so well, and it was pointless trying to offer empty words of comfort that meant very little when it all came down to it. There was nothing you could do.

"Everyone will be at Woody�s, right?" Emmett asked, breaking the silence, pulling you out of your thoughts and back into the techni-color hustle and bustle of the diner.

Theodore nodded. "Cynthia has everything under control at the office so count me in."

You blinked at him, wondering when you lost the grip on your business. Everyone else seemed to have more of an idea of what was going on than you did.

"Me too," Debb said, glancing towards the door when a new customer came in. "Can�t not say goodbye to Sunshine."

You hated his nickname right then, and all that it implied.

Hearing �goodbye to Sunshine� made you think that all that would be left after he had gone would be rain.

-*-

VI. Justin

You rolled your eyes as your mother asked you for what felt like the fiftieth time that hour if you had everything packed.

"Mom, relax. I�ve been here for less than two weeks. There isn�t that much to pack."

She nodded and held up her hands as if she was finally giving up. "I guess that�s it then."

She looked at you with that expression that only mothers could produce, her eyes wide and watery, her mouth a half-smile, as if she couldn�t decide whether to be upset or proud.

"I�m going to miss you," she said, pulling you into a rough hug.

"You�re acting like I�m going away forever," you softly chastised, and let her hold you for a few more moments before pulling back.

"That�s what it feels like sometimes," she said. "You�re my first-born, my baby, and you�re going back to one of the biggest cities in the world."

"Mom, I�ll be fine. I�m a big boy now," you said, giving her what you hoped was a reassuring smile.

"I know," she said, her voice wavering. You wondered for a second whether she half-hoped you wouldn�t be fine, so she would get a chance to feel useful again.

"If you need anything�" she continued, her eyes never leaving your face

"�I�ll call," you finished for her. "Mom, really, it will be alright."

You heaved your bag over your shoulder and called goodbye through to Molly in the living room. She glanced up, beaming, and gave you a little wave before turning her attention back to the T.V.

You hid a grin and followed your mother to the front door.

"You�ll call me when you land?" she asked, and you nodded.

"You know I will."

She bit her lip and you forced yourself not to roll your eyes. You really didn�t want a fuss. It made everything seem so much worse.

"I�ll see you soon," you told her, and leant forward to give her a kiss. "You�ll be flying up for my show in a couple of weeks."

That seemed to mollify her a little, and she let you open the door.

"You have the fare for the cab to the airport?" she asked, and you made a face, hoping you would have been able to escape before she remembered to bring this up.

"I don�t need any. Brian�s taking me."

"Oh, Justin�" She gave you a look as if she had expected something like this all along, but nevertheless wished that she didn�t have to hear it. "Are you sure that�s a good idea?"

"Sure." You shrugged. "It doesn�t make a difference either way. It�s just a ride."

"That�s pretty much what Brian said about you for those first few months and look where that got him."

"Mom!" You looked at her in disbelief and she laughed, pushing you out of the door.

"Have a safe trip," she said, waving you away now that she was the one back in control.

You stared at her incredulously, pretty much at a loss for words, but let her guide you out onto the drive, giving you a final kiss before she went back inside and shut the door.

You sighed, adjusting your bag on your shoulder, and headed off down the street.

Two down, plenty more to go.

-*-

VII. Brian

Everyone was already at Woody�s when you arrived. Everyone that is, except for Justin.

You made your way over to the bar and slipped onto a stool next to Mikey, leaning over and picking up his drink.

"Couldn�t manage a day without seeing me, hmm?" you asked him, shooting him a look, and took a sip from his drink. "Or are you here to see for yourself that Justin finally leaves?"

"It�s not like that and you know it!" he replied, scowling, and caught the attention of the barman, ordering himself another drink.

"No? What is it like then? You�ve been acting like an ass all week."

Mikey sighed and glanced over to where Melanie and Debb were playing pool against Ted and Emmett, Linds cheering on each team in turn as they took their shots.

"Maybe you have a short memory," he said, turning back to you, a concerned look on his face, "but I remember how you were when he left before."

"I was fine." You looked away and pulled your cigarettes out of your pocket.

"I wish you�d stop saying that! You weren�t fine when he left. You weren�t fine when you were arranging to re-open Babylon. You weren�t fine two months ago, and you sure as hell aren�t fine now!"

"Gee, Mikey, show some optimism why don�t you?" You lit your cigarette and took a long drag, the nicotine instantly calming you down.

"What the fuck is there to be optimistic about?"

He was on a roll now. He was like a fucking car left at the top of a steep hill with the handbrake off. He�d start off slowly and then he�d build up momentum, then before you knew where you were he would be speeding along so fast that nothing short of a crash would stop him.

"The fact I�m richer now than I was six months ago, that I�m healthy, that I�m still fucking hot."

"Right. Because that�s really going to make a difference when he leaves in�" He paused and checked his watch. "Two hours, forty minutes, and sixteen seconds."

Christ, you wanted to smash that watch.

"I�ll still be rich, healthy, and hot when that time has passed."

"And miserable, bitter, a little more twisted, hell to be around for the next god knows how many months--"

"Fuck, Mikey!" You slammed your glass down, causing a crash. "Shut up! I never asked you to spend every possible moment with me, asking me to lunch, meeting me after work, coming along to Babylon every fucking night. I never asked you for any of that when he went away."

"No, you didn�t." He looked calm all of a sudden and you hated that. In many ways he was so much easier to deal with when he was ranting. "But I did it anyway because I�m your best friend and I love you. And because you would do exactly the same for me if it was Ben who left."

"It�s not the same thing. Justin and I are nothing like you and Ben." You stared stiffly into your drink, wishing you could shrink so small that you could jump in and drown yourself in a sea of liquor.

Michael snorted. "You asked him to marry you. I would say you�re more like us than you care to admit."

"Whatever." You rolled your eyes, hoping he might decide to shut up soon.

"So, you act tough all you want, Brian," he said. "I know you better than that. And whether you like it or not, I�m going to be here tonight, tomorrow night, however many fucking nights it takes for you to start getting over him."

"You have a spare lifetime then?" you asked quietly, and glanced up at him.

His concerned look deepened into something else and you quickly downed your drink, gesturing to the barman for another.

Mikey stared at you and you shifted under his gaze, counting the seconds until you couldn�t take feeling scrutinized anymore, and you looked up to catch him with a tiny smile on his face.

"What?!" you asked, quirking an eyebrow. "If you�re going to continue the lecture then get the hell on with it. I don�t have all day, Justin will be here soon."

"I wasn�t going to lecture you," he said, shaking his head a little. "I�m just surprised."

"At what?" You let out a long-suffering sigh and took another sip of your drink.

"You really fucking love him, don�t you?"

You stared at him with wide, unblinking eyes. "Jesus, Mikey," you said, laughing. "Where the fuck have you been for the last five years?"

"Very funny," he replied, rolling his eyes. "I knew you loved him, just not�this much, I guess. It seems odd, coming from you."

You snorted and took another drag on your cigarette before grinding it out.

"Oh, and Brian?"

"What is it now?"

"Justin? He just walked in."

You followed Mikey�s gaze to the door. There, a large bag over his shoulder, looking almost as nervous as he did the day you met him, was Justin.

You swore that suddenly your heart was beating in time to the second hand on Mikey�s watch, counting down the time until you were forced to get in the car and drive him to the airport, letting him leave once again.

-*-

VIII. Justin

Walking into Woody�s was probably the most surreal experience you could ever remember. The whole gang was there and it was almost like old times, when you would all meet at the bar before going on to Babylon. The only thing that spoiled the picture was the way everyone looked up as soon as you walked in, and instead of excited grins of people looking forward to a night of drink and dancing, everyone�s smiles were a little strained.

Brian was sitting at the bar with Michael, looking like he had just been kicked, and you glanced between them, pretty sure that before you had entered they had been talking about you.

Debb saved the day by standing up and waving you over.

"Sunshine!" she declared, as soon as you drew close. "What the hell did you think you were doing leaving like that last night without having at least one dance with me?"

You looked at her sheepishly and sat down when Emmett patted the empty seat next to him.

"I�m sorry," you told her. "It wasn�t planned. I just--"

"Wanted to fuck Brian," she said, holding up one hand. "I know."

You ducked your head. It wasn�t like you could exactly deny it.

"Don�t worry about it, Sunshine," Debb said, laughing. "I shouldn�t expect anything less. Hell, I would be worried if the two of you hadn�t pulled something like that."

"All packed, sweetie?" Emmett asked, eyeing your bag, and you turned away from Debb, relieved, and gave him a nod.

"Yeah. Packed and ready to go," you replied cheerily.

�Ready to go� wasn�t anywhere near the truth, but you decided that perhaps if you kept up the pretence for long enough then you would be able to make yourself believe it.

Emm nodded and took a sip of his Cosmo through his pink straw. "Seems like yesterday you came back for Debb�s birthday," he said. "And you�re leaving already."

Debb sighed. "Next time you come for a visit I expect you to stay longer."

"He�s not going to have time for a visit anytime in the near future, are you Justin?" Linds said, as she joined you at the table. "You�re going to be too busy becoming a famous painter."

"I don�t know about that," you replied, laughing.

"Give it time," she said, giving you a wink. "We�re all going to be rooting for you."

You nodded and picked up a beer mat, turning it over and over in your hand, trying to focus on something else.

Everything was suddenly overwhelming. You felt like picking up your bag and walking straight out of the bar, hailing a cab on the sidewalk and getting as far away from all of them as you could.

Debb must have sensed what you were feeling, as she reached over and covered your hand with hers, stilling your fiddling. She picked up her glass and drained her drink.

"Emm, honey?" she said. "Think you could get me another drink? Get Sunshine one while you�re at it, and make it a double."

Emmett glanced between you both and slowly got to his feet. "Sure, no problem." He touched Linds�s arm on the way past and she got up quickly, making her excuses about getting herself some peanuts, and followed him to the bar.

Debb watched you in silence for a minute and then gave you a small smile. "Is it all feeling real all of a sudden, Sunshine?" she asked softly.

"Yeah, something like that." You let out a long breath, trying to calm yourself.

"No second thoughts?"

"There are always second thoughts, Debb," you replied, looking at your hands.

"Thought so." She paused and then grabbed your chin, forcing you to look at her. "Whatever you do, you are not going to change your mind. You are going to go back to New York and make me jealous, and be the fucking best artist you could ever possibly be."

You stared at her, not knowing what to say.

"Justin," she continued, sighing. This was serious. She rarely used your proper name. "Remember why you left in the first place, hon. This is your dream. It may seem tough to be leaving again but it will be a hell of a lot fucking tougher if you stayed."

You nodded slowly, your eyes fixed on her face.

"And you�d only hurt Brian if you did that."

That hit home. She could talk all day about you and your dreams, and while you would know she was right, it would only feel half-hearted. Bring Brian into the equation and you immediately perked up and paid attention. It was almost like a fucked up version of Pavlov�s dogs.

You nodded again, this time with a little more vigor. "I am going, don�t worry," you told her, and gave her a determined look.

"Good," you snorted. "Now give me that smile you�re so famous for and have a drink with me to make up for that lost dance."

You smiled impulsively, without even trying, and she nodded her approval.

Perhaps you could make yourself believe it would all be okay after all.

-*-

IX. Brian

You let out a breath you hadn�t realized you had been holding in when Debb called Justin over. You knew it wouldn�t be much longer before you had to take him to the airport, but right now the best course of action was to get as many drinks inside you as you possibly could before you had to witness everyone saying goodbye.

And then face your turn to do the same.

You ordered a third drink and reached into your pocket to pay for it when a hand shot out and stopped you.

"Let me get it."

You looked up into Linds�s smiling face and shrugged, sipping from your glass as she paid for both of your drinks and sat down.

"Why are you over here with me instead of getting a last couple of minutes in with the prodigy?" you asked, before she had a chance to speak.

"Mel and I are going back to Canada tomorrow," she said, "so I thought I�d come over and spend some time with you. I haven�t had much chance to see you this past week."

Great, so Justin was leaving in a few hours and Linds was taking Gus away the following day.

"If you�ve come over to give me sympathy then you�re fucking wasting your breath," you told her. "Mikey�s already tried that one."

"I�m not here to do that," she said with infinite patience. "I�ve actually come over to ask if you wanted to spend a couple of hours with Gus tomorrow morning before we leave."

"You trust me on my own with him?"

"You�re his father," she said, as if that somehow explained everything.

You knew how little that term meant.

"Actually, Mel and I have been discussing a few things," she said.

"Ouch. That must have hurt. Did you have to get a counselor in to mediate?"

"Brian!" She slapped your hand lightly and then looked at you slyly, as if she was hiding a big secret.

"Well?" you asked, raising one eyebrow. "Are you going to tell me or are you planning on sitting here and making me guess?"

"We were thinking that now Gus is getting older and considering he asks after you all the time, it might be a good idea for you to spend more time with him."

"And how the fuck do you propose that happens when I live here and he�s all the way in Canada?"

"We thought that maybe you could take him for a month or so each year. You could come up to Canada and either stay with us or bring him back here. Then when he�s old enough we can just stick him on a plane and you can meet him at this end."

You stared at her, your mouth open slightly. "The scary thing about this is that you actually look, and sound, serious."

"I am serious, silly!" she said, laughing. "I don�t want our son growing up not knowing who his daddy is."

"And you trust me with him for that amount of time?"

"You�re not quite the same man you used to be, Brian," she said, picking her words carefully. "You�ve changed."

"You mean I�m older?" you asked, screwing up your face.

"I don�t think that has anything to do with it. I�well, Mel and I, we both think you�ve started to realize how important family and friends are. We trust you with him."

You looked back at your glass and knocked back half of your drink in one go. You didn�t know quite what to say, but you weren�t about to reveal that to Linds. You tilted your head, pretending you had to think about it for a second.

"You�d have to pay for the plane tickets of course," she said. "There�s no way Mel and I can stretch our budget that far."

You snorted. "I wouldn�t expect anything less."

"Is that a yes then?"

You looked back at her face, her bottom lip sucked into mouth as she waited for your answer.

"I suppose I could take the brat off your hands if you wanted a break."

She cracked a huge smile and got off her stool, throwing her arms around your neck.

"Your generosity never fails to astound me," she whispered in your ear.

You laughed and reached up with one arm, hugging her back.

-*-

X. Justin

You cocked your head, watching Linds hugging Brian, wondering what all that was about, noticing the grin he was trying to hide.

Emm nudged you in the side and you glanced over at him.

"Isn�t it almost time for you to leave, sweetie?" he asked, eyeing the clock above the bar.

You looked up at the hands ticking away, and felt the familiar feeling of dread beginning to settle in the pit of your stomach again.

"After I�ve finished my drink," you replied, and picked it up, taking the smallest sip you possibly could, barely tasting the alcohol on your tongue.

It was almost as if you felt that by drinking slowly you could somehow stop the hands on the clock moving and prolong the time you had left.

You weren�t ready to go just yet.

You felt Emmett�s gaze upon you and looked up into his eyes.

"Whether you drink it or not, sweetie, you�re still going to have to catch your flight," he said, smiling slightly.

You hated that he could read your mind.

"It�s not forever," he said, and slung one arm over your shoulder, leaning against you. "We�ll come up and see plenty of your shows, too."

You nodded, not trusting yourself to speak.

It all felt so very final, and you knew why. It wasn�t that you wouldn�t see them again, because you knew you would, but it felt so different this time, as if you were finally putting your old life to rest and moving on.

How could you possible verbalize that?

You looked down at your glass and then raised it to Emmett, toasting him, and knocked it back in one.

He nodded, satisfied, and stood up, pulling you to your feet, wrapping you up in a hug that felt like he was trying to compress your ribs.

"You have a safe flight, sweetie," he whispered against the side of your head, and then pressed a kiss against your cheek.

He looked at you for a second and then let go, clearing his throat, and waved one hand. "Go on, get out of here before I chain you to the floor."

You laughed and turned around, coming face-to-face with Debb, who was biting on her bottom lip.

"You fucking asshole," she said, pressing a fingertip against the corner of one eye. "I promised myself I wouldn�t cry."

She pulled you into a hug and then held you at arms length. "Make sure you eat properly, okay?"

You nodded, giving her a smile. "I will. Even if the food in New York isn�t as good as yours."

She laughed and reached into her pocket, pulling something out. "Now, you may not want to look at this too much right now," she said. "But trust me, one day you�ll thank me for taking it."

She handed you a photograph and you turned it over, your breath catching in your throat. It was of you and Brian, taken the night before while you were dancing to the same song they had played at your prom. You were looking deep into each other�s eyes, so intently that it seemed as if nobody else in that room existed. It was just the two of you.

You wondered if you had looked that happy, that in love, the first time around. Daphne had said that you did.

You swallowed, bending down to put the picture in the front pocket of your bag. Debb was right, you couldn�t look at it now.

You zipped up your bag again, taking the time to compose yourself, and stood up. "Thanks, Debb."

She nodded and took your face in both hands, kissing your cheek. "Take care, kiddo," she said.

Mel was next, and you hugged her tight. "Say goodbye to Gus and JR for me," you said. "And give them each a kiss."

She smiled, promising she would, and you moved onto Linds, who told you that you had better get famous soon so she could tell everyone that she knew you when you were still just a teenager with big dreams.

It was like one long, never ending line of goodbyes; Ted came next, and you shook his hand when he offered it to you, barely listening to his practical words of wisdom about keeping yourself safe on the subways.

You looked up to see Brian waiting by the door, standing back from everyone as if he would be contaminated by sentimentality if he came too close. Michael stood next to him as if he could protect him from all possible hurt just by being there.

You picked up your bag, swinging it over your shoulder, and approached them, stopping just in front. You hoped Michael wouldn�t make a scene.

Brian elbowed him in the side and he took a step forwards, offering you a hand.

You took it, shaking it, and then on impulse pulled him into a stiff hug. "Take care of him," you whispered in his ear, so Brian wouldn�t hear.

For a second you thought he was going to say something sarcastic in reply, but then the moment passed and he just nodded, tentatively hugging you back.

"I will," he whispered in return. "Take care of yourself too."

You let go of him, smiling slightly at the surprised look on Brian�s face.

"Let�s go," you said, and he nodded, reaching for the door.

You glanced over your shoulder one last time, giving everyone a half-wave, and then quickly followed him outside.

Just one person left.

-*-

XI. Brian

You cursed yourself over and over again for agreeing to drive him to the airport, wondering why the fuck nobody told you what a completely stupid idea it was, ignoring the fact that actually somebody had.

It was bad enough seeing him walk into the bar in the first place, but it was nothing compared to watching him say goodbye.

You thought it would be alright, that you would be able to cope, but then he hugged Mikey, and even worse, Mikey hugged him back. One thing you had been able to hold onto was the knowledge that good old reliable Mikey would have something dry to say, but that belief had been completely blown apart in the space of less than a minute.

You shoved your hands in your pockets to stop them shaking, and pushed your way out of the door, walking ahead of Justin so he wouldn�t get to see your face, and stalked across the road to your car.

You took a deep breath, trying to calm yourself down, and finally pulled your hands out of your pockets, unlocking the door.

You thought that focusing on the traffic would held distract you, keeping your mind off the airport that was coming closer and closer by the second, but the enclosed atmosphere of the car, and the tiny movements Justin made as he shifted about, first fiddling with his sleeve and then picking at his nails, just made it all the worse. You had to use all of your self-restraint to stop yourself from snapping at him to keep still.

The airport came into sight and he visibly stiffened next to you.

You fixed your eyes on the parking lot and drove in, finding a space, and turned off the engine, getting out of the car before the silence had a chance to overwhelm you.

You barely waited for Justin to get out of the car before you pressed the button on your key chain, locking the doors. A second quicker and he would have been locked inside. You were almost tempted to push him back in and try again.

You walked to the terminal side by side, the sounds of planes taking off and landing doing the talking for you, and went inside.

The airport was packed, as if everyone in Pittsburgh had decided to flee that day, and you scowled at a man who knocked into you as he brushed past, making his way towards the ticket line.

You stuck your hands in your pockets again, looking around at the screens announcing the departing flights, not seeing the words �New York� for a second, hoping that maybe his plane had been cancelled and he could stay for another night.

And another.

"Gate thirteen," Justin said, and pointed to another screen. You felt like cursing him for spotting it.

You nodded instead, preparing yourself for a swift goodbye, thinking the best thing to do was run out of there as quickly as possible and head straight for the nearest bar.

"Crowds still bother me sometimes," he admitted quietly, and you glanced at him, noticing for the first time how nervous he looked.

"How the fuck do you manage in New York if crowds still scare you?" you asked, and snorted, wondering if you could play up on this revelation and get him to change his mind.

"I�m not scared!" he shot back. "It just sometimes sets me a little on edge. I manage. A person can do anything if they are determined enough."

He set his jaw, squaring his shoulders, and you couldn�t help but smile, a wave of fondness for him sweeping over you.

You�d never met a single person braver than him in your entire life, and that was saying a lot, considering how many people you had fucked.

What�s more, he had absolutely no idea how brave he was, which made it even more endearing.

It was so strange, you mused, how very different he was from you, and how so much had changed from the first year you had known him.

Back then he looked up to you as if you were some sort of demi-god he should model himself in the image of, the epitome of everything he thought the gay world should be.

And now, years down the line, in a crowded airport where people rushed by in blurs of color and sound, you realized that it was completely the other way round.

You felt like you were all front, the face you showed the world so very different from the core you kept inside. He had seen straight through you, getting right to the heart of all of your fears, capturing yours at the same time.

It was you who looked up to him now; his bravery, his ambition, even his ease with emotions was something you both hated and admired.

You felt like you were going to burst with the intensity of it all.

"Are you alright?" he asked, shaking you out of your thoughts, and you looked back at him, his head tilted to one side, concern and love -yes, love- consuming his features.

"I�m fine," you said, answering honestly for the first time in ages. "Why don�t you go and check in your bag? I doubt they will let it pass for carry-on with all those lemon bars stuffed in. I�m going to go and find a bathroom."

Panic suddenly flitted over his face, but he tried to hide it. "You�re not leaving are you?" he asked. "I was hoping�I thought you might walk me to my gate,"

"No, I�m not leaving, Sunshine," you replied, and reached over to muss his hair, laughing when he wrinkled his nose. "I just have to piss out all of that alcohol I drank."

He nodded, still looking a little unsure, and you took hold of his shoulders, steering him in the direction of check-in, before making your way over to a member of staff at the front desk, filing her nails with a bored expression on her face, and asked her where the bathroom was.

-*-

XII. Justin

You stood in the line for check-in, trying to resist the urge to look over your shoulder to watch Brian, worried that he would march straight out of the terminal as soon as your back was turned.

But then you realized that it was stupid to think like that. He had given his word that he would come back, and he had never broken his word to you when he had given in, something that you couldn�t exactly say in return.

Besides, you had little right to be worried about him leaving when that was exactly what you were doing. It was hypocritical to expect anything of him, and you thought that perhaps it would serve you right if he didn�t come back.

After twenty minutes you made it through check-in without any problems, and stood off to the side, waiting for him, glancing at the clock every few seconds, wondering why the hell it was taking so long. You knew that lines to use the bathroom were appalling long in airports, but why on this day, of all days, did it have to be so huge? You hoped he hadn�t found someone to fuck in there.

A voice came over the speakers, announcing that your flight would be boarding in five minutes, and you made yourself check you had your ticket for the sixtieth time in as many seconds, before allowing yourself to worry that perhaps he really had left.

You waited another couple of minutes, chewing on your bottom lip, and then turned around, glancing at the screens for a final time, checking they hadn�t changed your gate -it was still the dreaded thirteen- and glanced around for a sign pointing out the correct direction.

You wondered if perhaps this wasn�t Brian�s final gesture, showing you for once and for all that you may be the one leaving but he could still make you feel as if he was the one pushing you away.

You couldn�t blame him if that was what he had been planning all along. You�d know that however tough your vacation had been for you, it was so much harder for him because he was the one left behind.

He�d had no choice in any of it, you had called all of the shots, and for Brian, feeling out of control was one of the worst states he could find himself in.

You sighed as you spotted the sign for your gate, and made your way in the direction it was pointing as slowly as you dared, stalling for the last few seconds, holding onto the rapidly fading hope that he would turn up�

"Why the glum face, Sunshine? We�ll have to re-christen you �Storm� if you keep it up."

You turned around, your heart hammering in your chest, to find him standing behind you as if nothing was amiss, a smirk on his face.

You let out a breath, your body relaxing through relief, and he raised his chin, smiling at you.

"Really, Sunshine," he said, and grabbed hold of your arm, steering you quickly towards the gate. "Anyone would think you wanted to stay in the Pitts rather than go and make your fortune in New York."

You laughed in disbelief at his audacity, and glanced towards the gate where a woman in a navy uniform stood checking tickets before waving people further down towards the exit, where just beyond you could see your plane standing on the tarmac waiting to take off.

Your sudden relief turned into dread again, quicker than you could blink, and you tried to ignore the woman who was telling someone up ahead that they couldn�t go any further without a ticket.

You joined the end of the line of people who stood with their carry-on luggage, and turned to look at Brian, whose gaze was firmly fixed on your face.

There was suddenly no time left, and everything was moving far too quickly for you to handle.

You swallowed hard, your eyes roaming over him, trying to commit everything about him to memory, knowing all the while that no matter how hard you tried to remember it all, at some point you would begin to forget, and one morning you would wake up, trying to recall how his eyes crinkled just so at the corners when he was happy, and find out that you couldn�t.

You darted forward and stood up on tiptoes, wrapping your arms around him, pulling him as close to you as you possibly could, short of unzipping his skin and climbing inside.

You buried your face against his neck and closed your eyes, inhaling deeply, the tang of his aftershave mingling with the familiar comforting scent of his leather jacket.

He held you back, resting his chin on top of your head. "It will be okay, Sunshine," he whispered. "I promise."

Behind you, the woman checking the tickets cleared her throat. "I�m sorry to interrupt, Sir, but we�re about to make the final call."

You squeezed your eyes shut, determined not to cry, and pulled away from him, not daring to look him in the eye. You handed the woman your ticket, waiting while she checked it, Brian standing just behind you, his hands in his pockets.

You wondered if he was going to watch until you had boarded, hoping you could keep yourself together for that long.

You were given back your ticket and you took a deep breath, squaring your shoulders once more, determined not to look back, when the woman spoke again.

"I�m sorry, Sir, you can�t go past without a ticket. I understand how hard goodbyes can be, but it�s a matter of security."

You turned around, in spite of yourself, knowing she was talking to Brian, and wishing that he wouldn�t make this so hard on himself.

You finally looked up at him, to see a smug smile on his face, and he raised his eyebrow at the woman. "Good job I have one then, isn�t it?" he said, and handed one over.

-*-

XIII. Brian

You waited for the woman to give your ticket back with a nod of approval before looking over at Justin.

He stood still, frozen to the spot, his mouth hanging open, just staring, and you almost laughed.

"Alright there, Sunshine?" you asked, throwing an arm over his shoulders.

"I�you�what�you can�t�" he stuttered.

"For someone who got a 1500 on his SATs you have an appalling grasp of the English language," you said, trying to be stern but thinking the whole effect was probably ruined by the grin that kept on twitching itself onto your face.

You began to pull him along towards the exit where people were showing their tickets before going out onto the runway to board the plane, but he dug his heels in, pulling you to a stop, and stared up at you.

"Why did you waste your money buying a ticket just to walk me these last few feet?" he asked.

You rolled your eyes. "I wouldn�t do that even for you, Sunshine. That�s just ridiculous. I bought a ticket because I�m coming to New York."

His eyes widened even more, which you hadn�t been sure was even possible.

"But, you don�t have any luggage."

"I don�t need any."

"But what about clothes?"

"I�ll get Mikey to pack them up and have them shipped over. Until then I�ll just go out and buy some more."

"That�s insane! Not to mention excessively extravagant."

You gave him a look. "When haven�t I been excessively extravagant?" You paused, your voice softer when you spoke again. "And for your information, this is the sanest thing I have done in my entire life."

"What about Kinnetik?"

"It can cope without me, Sunshine. Cynthia and Theodore make a fucking amazing team. I suppose I�ll have to give them both a huge raise, but I think they�ll cope."

"What about Mikey? He�ll miss you."

"And I�ll miss him. But he has his own life and I don�t expect he would want me to put mine on hold for him."

You raised an eyebrow, waiting for the next reason he would throw at you as to why this was a bad idea. You were prepared for anything he could come up with.

When you had left him at check-in you had rushed back to the ticket counter and bought a ticket. Next you had called Linds, telling her you wouldn�t be able to take Gus but would love to have him over in New York in the summer. After you had put the phone down you went over everything in your head, telling the little voice that sounded suspiciously like a mixture of your parents, to shut its fucking mouth because you just weren�t willing to listen to it anymore.

"I�m supposed to be doing this to prove to myself I can do it alone, that I can realize my dreams," Justin said, cutting through your thoughts, and you almost laughed at how pathetic it sounded. By the face he made, it was obvious he was thinking the same thing.

"You�re pretty much doing it alone, Sunshine," you told him, steering him towards the exit again, with much less resistance this time. "But everyone has people who love and care about them around them. It�s stupid to think otherwise. What were you planning on doing, cutting all ties?"

He blinked at you, remaining silent, and you snorted, pushing on with your train of thought.

"I know nothing about art," you said. "That has always been just yours. However far you fly, that�s your doing. Nobody else�s. Look, Sunshine," you stopped him again when you reached the rapidly shortening line, and put your hands on his shoulders, looking down into his face. "I wan�t to do this your way. I won�t live with you if you don�t want me to. You don�t even have to see me often if that�s your choice. You can have as much space as you need. Just let me be there for you. With you."

You took a breath, trying to ignore the watery sheen his eyes had taken on. "I�m selfish," you continued. "I always have been. When I want something I get it, and I�ve never wanted anything in my life more than I want you. You have to leave, I know that. I�ve probably known that since I first let you into my life. But there�s absolutely no reason I can�t come with you."

You swallowed, waiting for his reaction, having nothing left to say, no words left to try and convince him with. Your fate lay in his hands, where it had been resting all along.

He nodded slowly, letting out a long breath. "Okay," he whispered, and then cleared his throat, speaking louder this time, that determined look you loved so much creeping into his eyes. "Okay!"

He reached for your hand and squeezed it, his smile spreading across his face.

You didn�t think it would ever rain again.

-*-

Epilogue.

Some people say that love is a temporary state, that it can never last, but Justin couldn�t disagree more.

He believes that no matter who you are, where you come from, where you travel to, and what choices you make, if you truly love someone and they truly love you back, then there will always be a way to come together, against all the odds.

He knows that people would scoff if he told them, but he now truly thinks that no matter how hard things get, however many hurdles are thrown in the way, he can still have his happy ending.

�Shine, I�ll stand by you,

Don�t try and push me away,

�Coz I�m just gonna stay.

You can shine, I won�t deny you,

And don�t be afraid,

It�ll all be okay.

Cyndi Lauper - Shine

-Fin-
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