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Time	By : cr8zymommy Category: 1 through F > Criminal Minds Views: 4585 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story

Chapter List
- 12
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The cup of coffee in Morgan’s hands felt like heaven. He hadn’t realized how sore his body was until he had tried to get up off the couch. “I’m getting too old for this.” He grumbled. His eyes slanted up to Garcia, who leaned against the kitchen counter and smirked at him. “You repeat that to anyone, baby girl, and I’ll get you for it.”
“Promise?” The playful remark was followed by her batting her eyelashes suggestively. They both grinned. Their usual banter seemed to break the tension of the morning. Neither one of them had spoken about Spencer since that moment in the living room; they didn’t quite know what to say. So many things would depend on when the kid woke up.
Morgan had extracted himself from his position on the couch so that he could get up and use the restroom and get himself some coffee. It had taken a little maneuvering but he had managed to get Spencer laid down without waking him up. Then he’d left him there, still sleeping, to take care of his morning rituals.
Now he and Garcia stood in the kitchen, each drinking their coffee, each anxiously waiting for the younger man to wake up. The living room had been silent for quite a while now. Morgan found himself turning his head, looking that direction as if he would be able to see through the wall.
“He’s going to be ok, handsome.”
The reassuring words didn’t ease the knot that seemed to be sitting in Morgan’s stomach. His gaze didn’t turn away from the wall for a long minute. “I think I’m just going to go sit in there.” He finally said. When Garcia started to say something, Morgan turned to look at her. “It’s hard for me to let him out of my sight, baby girl. I know it’s irrational, but if he’s out of my sight I feel like I’m going to lose him again. I promise I won’t wake him up. I’ll just sit in a chair.”
Her whole face softened. Walking over to him, she brought a hand up to pat his cheek. “I’ll make some breakfast.” Was all she said.
Morgan couldn’t help but smile at the woman who understood him so well. He leaned in and kissed her forehead before heading to the living room. He had no idea what he was about to find.
The world seemed to freeze around him when he stepped into the living room. What met his eyes was the last thing he had ever thought he would see. More horrifying than anything. Spencer Reid sat in the middle of the couch, eyes closed, a gun pressed against his chin.
Morgan never felt the coffee mug slip out of his hands. Didn’t hear it hit the floor and shatter, sending coffee anywhere. His entire being was focused on Spencer. He darted forward, knowing the whole time that he wasn’t going to be fast enough. Knowing that there was no way he would cross that distance in enough time to get those long fingers off the trigger. But he couldn’t stop his body from trying.
Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. He had barely made it three steps, only two more to go, when he saw that finger move, heard the ominous click of the gun. His stomach rolled and he wanted to scream, sure he was about to see his best friend, someone he loved dearly, with their head caved in.
There was no telling who was more shocked when Morgan finally collided into Spencer, knocking them back onto the couch and the two men realized that no bullet had been fired. Morgan stared at the body underneath him; into a face full of shock with those puppy dog eyes so wide they almost took up Spencer’s whole face. All he could feel was relief. The gun hadn’t been loaded. Thank God above, it hadn’t been loaded.
Where he felt relief, it was obvious that Spencer felt something totally opposite. The shock switched to disbelief and finally, to agony. “No!” Spencer shouted. His body bucked underneath Morgan. “No!” There was so much anguish in that one word that it was heart wrenching.
Morgan didn’t waste another moment. He took advantage of the state of mind Spencer was in and quickly snatched the gun from him, tossing it behind him. Then he took Spencer’s wrists in his, pinning them down above his head as the body underneath his started to fight.
“No!” Spencer screamed again. “Dammit, no!”
Who knew a small body could pack so much strength? When Spencer bucked he almost managed to dislodge Morgan from overtop him. The older man had to push down and use all his weight to pin the younger to the couch. “Reid, come on. Stop! It’s just me!”
Spencer surprised him by sobbing out “I know!”
He almost lost his grip because of his shock. At the last second he tightened back down before Spencer could break free. Did he mean what he thought? Did he mean he remembered Morgan from yesterday, or that he remembered him? When Spencer bucked again and tears started to stream down his face, Morgan decided that it didn’t matter right at the moment. What mattered was getting him to calm down. “You need to stop, kid, come on. Stop! You’re only going to hurt yourself.”
“I don’t care!” Spencer shrieked. He writhed and twisted, still trying to get free. “I want to hurt! Why did you have to stop me? Why couldn’t you just let me go?”
“I’m not letting you die, Spencer Reid!”
“I want to! I deserve to!”
Morgan wanted to wrap his arms around the younger man. He hated hearing him break down like this. Hated that Spencer, who had always been so silently strong, was so far down that he actually wanted to kill himself. “I’m not letting you go, pretty boy.” He whispered, laying his head down beside Spencer’s. He had his whole body stretched out over him, holding him to the couch, his hands still gripping Spencer’s wrists. “I thought I lost you once. I’m not doing it again.”
All at once the fight drained out of Spencer. His body went limp, sinking into the couch and his sobs grew. Morgan hesitantly let go, shifting off of him a little. Spencer didn’t run away, though Morgan had been braced to catch him. Instead, he curled into himself, rolling to his side as sobs convulsed through him.
Morgan reached out, gathering him close. It worried him that Spencer didn’t resist. He didn’t snuggle in, either. It was like he had lost all urge to fight or do anything. He was limp when Morgan pulled them both into a sitting position and cradled his best friend to him. Spencer just lay there and sobbed; loud, gut wrenching sobs.
“God, Reid.” Morgan whispered into his hair. “I can’t lose you again. Why on earth would you try and shoot yourself?” He didn’t really expect an answer, so it surprised him when he got one. “It’s too much.” Spencer sobbed out. “Too many thoughts, too much pain. Everything hurts. They’re stabbing my brain.”
“What is?”
“Everything!” The word was almost a shriek. “I locked it away and you had to bring me here and break it open and now I can’t make it go away! I don’t want to remember! I don’t!”
Oh holy God. He was remembering! Spencer was remembering! Morgan couldn’t help but feel elated that his friend was coming back at the same time that he ached for the pain it was obviously putting him through. “You can’t hide in your head forever, pretty boy. You need to remember if you’re going to heal.”
“But it hurts! Morgan, it hurts so much! I can’t do this, I’m not strong enough. I just can’t! There’s too much, it’s all jumbled together and it’s like broken glass in my head. I don’t know if I can make it go away again! I’m not that strong anymore!”
A lump built in Morgan’s throat. He had to swallow it down before he could find his voice and speak. While he did, his hands rubbed soothingly over Spencer’s arms and he pressed his cheek against the top of the young agent’s head. “Oh, Spencer. Why would you want to lock it away? I know it hurts, but why would you want to forget us?” It hadn’t been what he’d meant to ask, but it was what he was dying to know. Spencer’s words made it sound like the young man had intentionally locked away his memories. Why?
None of Spencer’s walls were up right then. He was raw and exposed and didn’t seem to have the strength to care. “I didn’t want to remember any of you.” He said hoarsely between sobs. “It hurt too much. I had to do it, Morgan, I had to! I took everything, all of you, my pride, my dignity, and I put it in a box in my head where it couldn’t hurt anymore. I couldn’t live like that with all of you in my head. It made it hurt more. I didn’t want to remember! Why did you have to make me? Why did you do that to me?”
“You have to remember, Spencer. You’re not in that house anymore. You’re not with him. He can’t hurt you anymore. It’s time for you to start healing, kid. We’re going to be here to help you every step of the way. We won’t ever let him hurt you again.”
“You can’t stop him!” With that shriek, Spencer pulled back from Morgan, staring at his face. It was hard to look at Spencer’s face and see the utter agony that was right out in the open. To see the tears that still poured down his cheeks. “You can’t, Morgan. I’m his property. He won’t stop until he has me again and he’s going to kill me for leaving him like this. He’s going to break me down and kill me.”
“The hell he will.” The words were growled out before Morgan even stopped to think about it. “I fucked up once and lost you, Reid. I won’t let it happen again.”
Shuddering, Spencer closed his eyes. “You didn’t fuck up.” He whispered. That small comment, the instant defense of a friend, warmed Morgan’s heart, though not for the reasons some might have thought. He wasn’t warmed by Spencer’s defense of him, because he knew he had fucked up, but by how much that sounded like the kid he had once known and loved. He stayed silent as Spencer opened his eyes again and looked at him, pain written all over him. “I can’t do this, Derek. I just can’t. I can’t go back to being me again. I can’t be Spencer Reid. The things I’ve done, the things I let him do…there’s nothing left of me to save.” Only a single tear fell this time, so much more powerful than the sobbing had been. It was the single tear of a broken man. “He destroyed who I am. All that’s left is who he made me. I don’t want to remember me, because it makes it hurt so much more. It makes me look at who I am and what I did and I hate myself for it.”
Unable to stop himself, Morgan reached out and took Spencer’s hands in his, ignoring the flinch his friend gave. “You did what you had to do to survive.” He whispered, trying to put all his emotion into his words. He needed Spencer to hear the truth in what he said. “What you did or what he did, it’s not your fault. You survived, kid, when lesser people would have broken completely. You are an amazing, strong, wonderful person. None of this changes that.”
“You don’t know what I did.”
Those six words sent a chill down Morgan’s spine. “Then tell me.” He found himself saying. “Tell me what’s so horrible that you think you don’t deserve to live anymore.” When Spencer looked at him in surprise and agony, Morgan squeezed his hands reassuringly. “Tell me, so I can look you in the face and tell you, right here, right now, that it doesn’t change a thing. Tell me and then see that I’ll still be here for you. That I’ll still care about you.”
He didn’t think that Spencer would actually do it. The young man was so raw right then, so broken inside. Morgan thought for sure that Spencer would shake his head or go silent on him or try to move the subject. He briefly wondered if he was pushing him too hard, too far. They’d only had him back for a day. But he sensed that this was the most important conversation he was ever going to have.
There was a small amount of reluctance in Spencer’s eyes that suddenly gave way to pain and resignation. Morgan could almost hear Spencer’s thoughts, hear him thinking that he would chase him away by telling him this and then he’d be free to be alone like he wanted.
“I’ve killed people.” Spencer finally whispered. “Women. I killed them.”
“How?”
That question threw Spencer for a minute. His eyes jumped up to Morgan’s face, then down to their joined hands. “I sat there with them, when Master was done with them.” His voice was so low that Morgan almost couldn’t hear it, but he said nothing. Just waited as Spencer worked up the courage to continue. “Master knew I was smart, so he would tell me to alert him if they started to fade overnight so he might come save them. I…they begged me not to. Begged me to let them lay there. To hold their hands so they…so they didn’t die alone. I sat there and watched their breath leave them. I let them die, when I could have helped them. And you know what I felt?”
This time, the agony in Spencer’s eyes when he looked up was so strong it was almost a physical blow that left Morgan reeling. He couldn’t have spoken to save his life.
“I felt jealous.” Spencer whispered. “Jealous that they found a way out and angry that they left me there alone. In the end I was always alone and it made me so angry with them. I killed them, and I was angry with them.”
This time Morgan forced himself to speak. He wanted to make Spencer understand, more than anything else. It was important to make him understand. “Spencer, listen to me. You. Did. Not. Kill. Them.” When Spencer started to protest, Morgan shook his head. “No, kid, don’t take that guilt on yourself. Don’t take responsibility for something you didn’t do. You held their hand when they died from the beating a crazy man gave them. You didn’t hurt them.”
“But I didn’t save them.”
“You saved them from a death far more brutal than what they got down there with you. You saved them from dying with Vincent being the last thing they saw. Their last breaths came with peace because of you, not terror.”
A shudder ran down Spencer’s small frame. “I wanted to die with them.” He said the words as if they were something to be ashamed of. “I wish I had. I wish I could now. I shouldn’t be here with you, touching you. I shouldn’t be bringing what I am around you.”
“What you are is my best friend in the entire world and there’s nowhere else I’d be right now, kid, so you just stop that right this instant.” Running on instinct, Morgan squeezed the small hands in his. “Enough is enough for one morning, pretty boy. All of this doesn’t have to come out now. Right now it’s enough that you remember. Just…trust us to help you through this, ok? None of us want to lose you, no matter what. We’ve all been through that. We don’t want to feel that way again.”
For a long minute Spencer just stared at him. There were so many emotions going through his eyes that Morgan couldn’t even decipher them all. He sat and waited, knowing that Spencer was working on coming to some kind of decision. Finally, in a small, quiet voice, Spencer whispered “I’ll try.”
The smile that lit Morgan’s face was so wide he was surprised it didn’t split him in two. “That’s all I can ask for.” He gave Spencer’s hands another squeeze, trying to pass along strength and comfort, and was pleased to feel a small squeeze in return. He decided that maybe it was time to start him on that road toward healing, so he did the one thing he thought might help. “Hey, pretty boy, why don’t we get you down the hall and in the shower? I imagine you’d like to be clean.”
Fear and longing both were easy to read in Spencer’s expression. Followed quickly by that was a small burst of shame. “I…” He stopped, swallowed, looked away. “I don’t know if I can, well, I mean…”
Understanding dawned. The kid was hurting and was worried about being able to stand up in the shower. “I’ll help you.” He offered gently. At Spencer’s surprised look, Morgan shrugged. “I told you kid, I’m here for the long haul. Nothing you need is going to bother me, ok? Now, come on. I know if I were you I’d want to wash up and ease a few aches. Let’s go.”
Still holding hands, the two men rose carefully from the couch. Morgan had to reach out and brace his friend briefly when they were finally standing and he saw Spencer sway a little. It surprised the both of them when Spencer leaned into him instead of jerking away. Spencer spoke without thinking. “I don’t know why, but you touching me isn’t as scary as everyone else.”
Morgan held him close and helped him start to shuffle his way down the hall. “It’s just cause I’m that great, kid. Come on now. I thought you were remembering things? Don’t you remember that?”
The sound Spencer made might have been considered a chuckle or a snort, but it was laced with pain and there was still a trace of his earlier agony in it. “I’m remembering reality, Morgan. Not fiction.”
From her hiding spot in the kitchen, Garcia brought a hand up to wipe away the tears on her cheeks. Her baby was coming back. It was going to be a long road to healing, but he was coming back. She smiled through the tears. If there was anyone who could help start Spencer on the road to healing, she knew it would be Derek Morgan. And standing there, in the kitchen of an apartment no one had been inside of for two years, she swore to herself that she would do everything in her power to help the young agent. They weren’t going to lose him again.
- 12
- 13
- 14
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