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Cupid's Little Helper	By : Scribe Category: S through Z > Xena Views: 3620 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Xena, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 13
- 14
- 15
Cupid's Little Helper
Chapter Fifteen
Preparin
I walked ovah ta tha tavern, head down, kickin a
stone. I was so distracted that I walked right past a
woman bendin ovah an' didn't even goose her. By tha
time I thoughta it, she'd stood up, an' it was a
missed opportunity. tsk I was gettin sloppy. It
was time ta do somethin about this situation.

It was still early, so I had ta pick my way ovah
barbarians an' bards--no tavern wenches. They all
had enough sense ta get up ta their beds before they
passed out. I found Anieli's room. I started ta go
on in, but paused an' cocked my head toward tha door.

Oo, there was some interestin sounds in there. Tha
sound of flesh pit-pattin against flesh, an' lotsa
pants an' groans. Somebody was havin an eye-openah.
I listened closah. Tha moanin was all male, an all in
tha same voice. Yup. 'Somebody' singular. I grinned
an kicked tha door open. I know it's coitus
interuptus when yer boinkin an' ya stop suddenly
before ya come, but is there a propah term for when ya
ahem pull up short while yer doin a solo boogie?

Anieli screamed an' jerked tha sheet up ta his chest.
I jumped up on tha bed, standin astraddle his hips,
an' grinned down at him. "SURPRISE!" I dropped,
landin' on my knees, restin my elbows on his chest an'
proppin my chin in my hands. "Miss me?"

"Don't hurt me!"

I rolled my eyes. "Don't tempt me, sweet cheeks." I
climbed offa him an' stretched out comfortably. "Ya
can go ahead an' finish if ya wanna."

"I... uh, don't want to now."

"Yah?" I reached ovah an' gave him a quick grope.
He stiffened, everywhere but where it counts, if ya
know what I mean. "Shy, huh? That's okay." I sat
up. "Tell me somethin, how d'ya feel about how
Damara is takin this?"

"What do you mean?"

"Duh. I mean, how sheeacteactin."

"She's pissed."

"Duh, squared. How d'ya feel about that?"

"What, you want me to talk about my feelings? Zeus,
you sound just like Damara. I suppose that next
you'll want me to go sandle shopping with you."

"I'm beginnin ta see what parta tha problem is."

"I think she's blowing this whole incident of... of...
uh..."

"Boob squeezin?"

"She's just blowing it way out of proportion. I mean, I
hardly had any choice in the matter."

"Uh huh."

"I mean, the girl practically shoved her bosum into my
hands."

"Uh huh. Ya know, if I was a broad an' ya tried ta
use that excuse on me, I'd probably attempt ta de-nut
ya with tha first thing dull an' y I y I could get my
hands on."

"I thought you were supposed to be trying to help me?"

"Don't mean I won't call 'em as I see 'em, sport. So,
ya say she doesn't understand ya?"

"Yes. It's impossible for her to understand that
situation." He crossed his arms an' looked superior.
"It's a guy thing."

"Say 'ya wouldn't understand' an' win a first class
trip ta tha underworld, via Tartarus."

FLASH

"Hiya, Cupe."

"Strife, there's a perfectly good chair on the other
side of the room. Either go sit on it, or hand it to
me so I can hit him with it."

I got up. "Chill, lover. Nothin doin on this front.
Or should I say, with his front? Anyways, we need ta
go have a talk with your mom, then Greatgrandma Gaia."

"Damn. Do we have to? She always wants me to weed,
or spread manure, or something else icky."

"Dite?"

"Strife..."

"Oh, yeah, like I'd make that mistake."

Anieli piped up. "Excuse me, but aren't you two
supposed to be working on..."

Cupid glared at him. "I'd keep my mouth shut, unless
I wanted to fall passionately in love with the winner
of the Annual Miss Warthog contest." Anieli settled
down. Cupe looked back at me. "Well?"

"Gee, yer beautiful when yer angry."

His expression softened. "You're more full of shit
than the Aegean Stables before Hercules mucked them
out. All right, who do we go see first?"

"Yer Mom. I'm pretty sure she can help me, but if
she can't, an' I hafta find anothah way ta do what I
want, there wouldn't be any point in seein Gaia." I
looked at Anieli. "We're gonna be gone for a little
while. If I'm lucky, I'll have a way ta help ya when
I get back, so..." I poked at his crotch, "stay outta
trouble, huh?"

Cupid glared at Anieli again, grabbed my hand, an'...

FLASH

"Oops!"

"Zeus!" scramble thrash bump

giggle "Hi, sweetie."

"Hi, Mom." Cupid twitched a cornah of tha sheet on
tha cloth-covahed, wigglin bundle on tha floor. "Hi,
Heph."

"Cupid, if you don't stop doing that you can forget
about me helping you with your arrows."

"Sorry." He stuck out his tongue at his mother.
"Gotcha back."

"No man should do that unless he really means it,
dear. Much as I'd like to think this was a social
call, what do you want?"

He made an 'aftah you' gesture at me. "Dite, I need
ye

r help."

She sat up. "Of course, Strife. What can I do?"

"Well, ya can do some pretty funky stuff with those
potions of yours. Have ya evah come up with a gendah
reversal potion?"

Her expression softened. "Honey, you don't need that.
He loves you just as you are."

I could feel myself blushin. "I know. That isn't why
I want it, an' it needs ta be eithah temporary or
reversable."

"Well, of course I can help you! I'm almost insulted
that you had to ask, something as simple aat. at.
Now, one that teaches men to put the sanitation cloth
back on the chamberpots, that's difficult."

She hopped up an' started ta bounce busily toward her
potions table, an' I mean bounce. There ain't any
bein in creation that can bounce like Dite when she
gets goin. Hephastus cleared his throat. "Dite."

She stopped an' turned, waverin in a very interestin
mannah, even for someone like me who was in deep
luste wie with tha God of Love. "Yes, dear?"

e wae waved a hand at her, up and down. She looked down
at herself, as if puzzled, then gave tha sexiest snort
in existence. "Oh, that. What's the problem? We're
all family."

"Aphrodite..."

"Oo, he's using my full name. I guess he's serious."
She thought on a few square inches of pink guaze, then
went on ta tha table an' sat down. "I could give you
a permanent potion right now, but the reversable one
will take a little concocting, and then you'll need
the antidote." She materialized writin materials.
Dippin a quill in tha ink, she started scribblin.
"One of you boys will need to go vist Grandma Gaia and
get me a few supplies."

"No prob," I said. "That was on tha itenerrary
anyway. We ca whi while yer gettin started."

She'd pulled a large golden bowl toward her, an
unstoppahed a cut glass flask. Now she was pourin a
shimmery lavender liquid inta tha bowl. I saw a
butterfly fluttah out of tha flask an' light on wunna
Dite's curls. didndidn't notice it. "Fine, f
G
Give her my love. Cupid, be a good boy and don't
whine about whatever little chores she wants you to
do."

He groaned, an' we held hands an' flashed.

Have ya evah been ta Gaia's place? It's fantastic, if
ya like nature. I can handle it for short periods of
time, then tha fuzzy woodland creatures get on my
nerves an' I start thinkin about how good their hides
would look tanned, with some snazzy polished steel
ornaments.

Gaia was in tha middle of wunna her flower beds. She
usually favahs thing in tha wild state, but she does a
lot of special cultivatin, producin new varieties of
flowers an' stuff. Right then she was frownin,
examinin a rose bush that was loaded down with huge,
baby-butt pink flowers. When she saw us, though, she
came ovah, smilin. "Cupid!" She hugged him, an he
woofed. "Strife!" She went ta hug me, an' I braced
myself. She's tha one who taught that manuever ta tha
grizzly bears.

When I'd got back enough of my breath ta do more than
wheeze, I said, "I need yer help, ma'am." Yeah,
that's right, I said ma'am. It ain't nice ta fool
with Mothaj Nature. Ain't safe, eithah.

She smiled ruefully. "I didn't think it was just a
social call." She gave Cupe an accusatory look. "No one seems to visit me just to chat." He looked down,
pickin at a feathah. "What can I do for you, dear?"

"Okay, don't say no before ya hear me out, right?
I..."

"If this is going to take any time at all, Cupid, be a
dear and go to that rose bush. It has a nasty
infestation of slugs, and I want you to pick them off
for me before they eat it."

"Ew! You want me to touch those things?"

"Ya don't gotta do that." I materialized a sack of
salt an' started ta hand it ta
him.

Gaia stopped me, sayin sternly, "I should say not!"
She materialized a jar an' a pair of tweezers, then
handed them ta Cupe. "Put them in here. They'll do
nicely to suppliment the chickens' diet."

I shuddered as Cupid dispiritedly started toward tha
rose bushes. "Ya know, that was entirely more than I
needed ta know. I think I ain't gonna be eatin any
chicken for awhile."

"Get over it, dear. What did you want to ask me?"

I took a breath. "Well, ya see, it's like this..." I
explained tha whole situation.

She got a good giggle about tha cat crap in tha boots.
She ain't such a stuffy old broad as some people
think. "Yes, that is quite a mess, but how can I
help you?"

I told her about my visits ta Damara an' Anieli taday,
an' just what they'd said. "So I need some supplies
for Dite." I handed ovah tha scroll.

She studied it, an' said, "Hm. Oh, these are no
problem." She held out her hand, an' a loaded basket
appeared.

I took it. "I was alsoderiderin if ya could let me
borrow tha Chaos Stone, juor aor a few minutes. I
promise I won't do anythin but this one specific
thing."

"Now that's more of a problem. I still don't
understand what you intend to do. How will traveling
back in time help? And you know how dangerous it is
to change anything."

"Nothin is gonna change. This is gonna be a strictly
observational trip. Ya see, I have Dite workin on a
potion, an'..." Aftah I finished explainin things ta
her I said nervously, "So, whatta ya think?" If she
wouldn't loan me tha stone, tha idea was a bust, an
I'd hafta start all ovah again.

"What do I think? What do I think?" I started ta
flinch, but she just grabbed me an gave me a big,
smackin kiss. "I think it's brillian! In fact, I
think something similar should be a pre-requisite for
getting married. I think it should be required by law
for everyone. It'd certainly smooth out relations
between the sexes."

"Yah, but that would cut down on a lot of business."

She sighed. "True. And I suppose life would get a
little boring. All right, dearie." She materialized
tha Chaos Stone an' handed it ovah to me. "Only to
that single place and timeframe you mentioned. No
fiddling around with anything else."

"Ya got it." I gave her a kiss on tha cheek.
"Thanks."

"Don't mention it, just come by more often, will
you?" She glanced ovah at where Cupid, a disgusted
look on his face, was droppin somethin little, green,
an wigglin inta tha jar. "Bring him with you," She
smiled. "and the baby."

My eyes got as roas sas shields. "You... how... I..."
I stared down at my tummy, which was still flat as a
board undah tha leathah.

She chuckled. "No, not yet, dear. But you know that
I can't be fooled about fertility of any kind," She
passed a hand ovah my belly. "and you and Cupid will
have to figure something out if you don't want a
passel of little godlings in no time at all." She
frowned. "Or would that be a gaggle of godlings?"

"A worship?" I offered.

"A divinity?" She shrugged. "In any case, you're
going to be a fecund little thing."

Oh, just what I wanted ta hear. "Right. Lovely.
I'll talk ta Hippolyta about gettin a girdle. Cupe!"

He came ovah, holdin tha ja' t' tweezers with tha
tips of his fingahs, an' handed them ovah ta Gaia.
"Here you go."

"Did you get them all?"

"All I could reach." He held out his arms an' showed
her several nasty lookin scratches. "I don't want
anything like these unless they're on my back and I
got them doing something a hell of a lot more pleasant
than gathering slugs." He healed himself, kissed her,
grabbed my hand, an' flashed us back ta Dite's place.

As we showed up, I ran a fingah down his now smooth
arm. "A coupla nice gauntlets woulda taken care of
that."

"Yes, but I wanted the scratches."

"Huh? Cupe, since when aru inu inta S and M?"

"I'm not, but I figured if she saw me slashed up,
maybe she'd feel guilty enough to refrain from loading
me with chores the next time I came over."

We looked at each othah, then shook our heads tagethah, sayin in stereo, "Nah."

I walked ovah to tha work table, sayin, "Got your
stuff." Dite was in tha process of decantin somethin
sparkly inta anothah bottle. "Hey, I thought ya needed
this ta finish tha potion."

She took up a tiny bottle that had an eyedropper on
top, an' carefully squeezed two drops inta tha bottle,
then corked it an shook it. "I didn't say that. I
just said that I needed some supplies. You're both
just precious for running that errand. The last time
I went my nails were simply ruined when she had me
work on the compost heap." Opening tha bottle again,
she examined tha cork. "Ah."

I'm always ready ta learn somethin. Ya nevah know
what might be turned ta mischief. "What did that last
ingredient do?"

"That? Oh, it turned it the prettiest shade of pink."

I blinked. "Ya mean ya added coloring?"

"But darling, it was just plain old boring white
without it. Don't you agree that pink is much nicer?"
I shoulda n. Dn. Dite's philosophy is 'Make it pink,
unless it will be inappropriate and look totally
ridiculous. Then make it pink anyway.' She corked
tha bottle again an passed it ovah, then handed ovah
anotha smallah bottle. "And the antidote. Now, don't
let anyone who hasn't had the gender switch drink the
anti-dote. They'll change, and since it's an
anti-dote, there isn't any anti-dote for it."

"Couldn't ya just give 'em another gender switch
potion?"

"No, because the potion is meant to cause a situation,
not cure it, and since the person would have taken an
anti-dote before taking the actual..." She frowned.
"My head hurts. You did that on purpose, didn't you?"

snicker "Sorry, but ya can't expect me ta pass up
an easy shot."

"I suppose not. Just be careful with those things,
and don't let any of either get away from you.
Remember, you're dealing with mortals here. Any screw
up will get made into a story, passed down
mouth-to-mouth through generation upon generation, and
the next thing you know the tale of your embarrassment
is being pushed down the throat of some bored
highschool student in literature class. I see she
gave you the Chaos Stone. Now will you tell me
exactly what you plan?"

"Nah."

I grabbed Cupid's hand, hearin her yell "Tease!" just
as we went...

FLASH
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Cupid's Little Helper