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Disclaimer: I do not own Xena, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 13
- 14
- 15
See part one for all the semi-legal song and dance.

***

Part 15 - Lights, Camera, Action� Pandemonium

And all over the valley, friendship was breaking out like Spring Fever.

Joxer leaned back in his seat and enjoyed the sunshine that wafted through the bowers of the al fresco eatery attached to the rustic inn on the outskirts of Bellox. He picked at the food piled high on his plate, marveling at each morsel and at the cautiously reverent look the cook kept giving him from the kitchen window. It was starting to make him feel really odd, especially since that same look had followed him around town as he'd followed Harmonia around.

But they can't know, he reasoned to himself. Harmonia was disguised and all blocked and stuff, so it wouldn't be obvious that she was a goddess and he... well, he was Joxer. Most people didn't even raise an eyebrow in his direction unless he was knocking them into the only mud puddle in town or something equally klutzy or annoying. He'd even found a plain white shirt to keep from looking all half-naked and crazy, but... Maybe they suspect something... But they couldn't. Not that he was helping out Ares or that the pretty young woman strolling along in front of him was at least a hundred years old AND the future Goddess of Infatuation and Platonic Love to boot. Their not knowing explained the ease of this 'game'. He'd gotten caught up in it pretty quickly himself, even sprinting ahead of the young immortal to point out someone who he just knew could use a happy touch.

As he sat there, munching on some sweet and tender meat strip that had been breaded and fried just enough to sizzle and not be uncooked, he let his mind turn that need over and over, examining it. What was up lately? It was as if an unseen hand was guiding him, some voice in his ear telling him truths that fit so neatly into his head. As if they'd just been waiting to find a way in. And it felt right, more right that anything else ever had. As if he was supposed to know these things, to do these things... to feel these things? Had he ever really loved Gabrielle? Everything about his heart told his head the answer was 'no.' Especially since he could still feel Ares' hands on him. So, then what? Was his whole life up 'til now a waste? A joke? A prologue to this particular moment in time? His head reeled with a thousand questions. Confusing would have been a major step up...

"You need a little cream for that puss?" The chuckle arrived before the chuckler. Pink, red and white shimmered in the air in front of Joxer and then deposited Cupid in the opposite chair, armed to the nines and dressed in a snappy white kilt that looked too clean and crinkly-stiff not to be formal dress. Or at least as formal as you got without a shirt. "Something I can help with?"

"I don't think so. Thanks, though. I just... have a couple things I need to think about." Joxer poked at the large platter again, contemplating his next mouthful and which piece wouldn't dump the lot all over him.

"Cool. But if you ever need anything - help, advice, an ear to chew on, an arrow pointed in the right direction - I'm always available." Cupid eyed the plate himself, thinking about the long day he'd put in since breakfast, and plucked out a grape without causing even a tremor in the pile. "May I?"

"Huh? Oh, sure. Be my guest," Joxer grinned, working a piece of cheese out. "No way can I eat this all by myself anyway. Not if I..." he cut himself off, but the rest seemed obvious.

"...want to keep fitting in those pants?" Cupid grinned back, popping the fruit into his mouth, "Strife could always let 'em out, y'know. He made 'em after all. Though, I don't see where an extra pound or two could hurt... things." No bones about what 'things' he meant, either. The same that Joxer had meant before, or at least one of them. "A little meat's always nice..." What should have been a professional-grade leer turned into a yawn, a big jaw-cracking one that Cupid didn't even bother trying to hide. "Man! Excuse me!" He shook off the last of it and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry. I'm sure you didn't need to see my tonsils."

" 'S OK. You must be beat to squeeze off one of those," Joxer chewed slowly on the bread, scrutinizing the god with a quick look. "Is everything all-right?"

"Oh, yeah, sure. No big. It's just that the equinox is coming up and everyone's trying to get their petitions in beforehand." the love god rubbed his eyes, feeling every day of his three and a half centuries. "I think my butt might actually wake up sometime before Spring."

"Can't Aphrodite lend a hand? Give you a break?"

"Easy there, Jox. Sounds like you're suggesting Mom do work. Don't you know that causes wrinkles?" Cupid chided him playfully, winking to let the other man in on the joke. Not that he needed to. Joxer was already smiling about it. "Besides, she's got enough to do without adding my work to it. I just wish I could do it in bunches instead of all at once. All the wrong parts get stiff when I have to sit through a whole day of wheedling."

"I guess people feel better when they can plead their case to their god directly," Joxer took a long drink of ale before tearing the heel end off of a loaf of bread that had shown up on the table. He'd been craving bread, too - maybe the cook was psychic. And stealthy, if he'd managed to get it out there without being noticed. "Makes them feel like what they're asking is really being considered."

"I suppose. Is that the way you always go about it? You always ask in person?" Cupid tried to make it sound casual and not quite so prying. The Halls of Time left a lot out, so this was his other choice - find out from the horse's mouth, so to speak.

"Me? Nah. I never could stomach a public petition.." Joxer shrugged and munched, trying for some nonchalance himself. "The lines at Ares' temples are always so long. I'd lose my nerve long before I got to the front. I like off-season visits better. I can take my time, word things right, make my offering without someone shoving or hollering at me. Besides, it's between me and Ares. I figure if I do it when I'm alone, he can maybe hear me better."

"That might not be so far off," Cupid waved his hand and made a tankard of ale similar to Joxer's appear in front of him. "I almost fell asleep last time I had to sit through the pity parade. At least when it's only a few people, I'm alert and paying attention." He gave a thoughtful look and decided to push the boundary of 'not getting involved' just a little. "Y'know, Jox, if it's a problem, I'm sure Pops would give you a private audience for petitions." Yeah, a private naked one, Cupid snickered to himself as Joxer blushed furiously, as if he could read the Love God's mind.

The thought in Cupid's head had remained unspoken, but Joxer heard it loud and clear, though he filed it away under the auspices of his own pervy brain filling in the blanks and a lot of wishful thinking. And then taking off on its own, imagining a great dark temple and the God of War in all his bronzed, furry glory. All kinds of worshipping and pleading and sweaty thrill followed.

Cupid was impressed. He didn't even have to work hard at this. If everyone was this easy, I'd have way more vacation days. One mentally worded suggestion and Joxer's libido was off and running like a mad stallion. And since Cupid hadn't actually sent the thought along, that meant that Strife had been right. Not that he doubted his cousin's accuracy, though he'd half suspected a prank in the making. But no, it looked and felt like the real deal. That certainly helped. Mixed couples always had some issues to deal with - just ask Zeus. No longer a problem here... the mixed part, anyway.

"No."

Cupid almost choked on the morsel he'd just popped into his mouth. Joxer was strong, the pull of new immortal power in him was strong but raw and untrained. No way, shape or form should he be reading a major god - one of the Twelve no less - that easily.

He couldn't. Still in full blush, Joxer was still answering the last question that had been asked out loud. "I'd be too nervous." Even his laugh said so. "I mean, just me and Ares? I... I couldn't."

"Well, faith is a very personal thing, Jox. But just let me say that Pops' sole and undivided attention? Not always a bad thing." And the blond god raised his eyebrows once to make his point as he rose from his seat, peering in one definite direction. "Ooh. I'm late. You're gonna have to excuse the Tartarus outta me, Jox. I got some business to oversee."

"Business?"

"Love waits for no man," Cupid shrugged, adjusting his bow and quiver until they were comfortable and flexing his wings a few times. "Or god." A wink of conspiracy came Joxer's way. "Or older female family member."

Joxer gave a quick look toward the edge of town and saw Discord pacing and prowling and occasionally booting a stone out of her way. "Yeah?"

"Like I said before, I like helping." Cupid bent at the knee and leapt up, his wings flapping hard to get him airborne.

"Cupid!" Joxer all but shouted, which wouldn't have helped with the all-too-observant villagers. The love god turned in mid-air to face him again. "I just thought of something. I saw this thing at Lyssia once. They were holding some kind of contest or raffle or something and all the entries were stuck in this box through a hole in the top. Maybe you could do something like that, get everyone to write their petitions down and you could go over them later if you're too busy to sit or you get antsy or something. That way, you wouldn't have to sit and listen to all that begging."

It took Cupid only a second or two to consider it. Surely, there would be some hold-outs for the personal visits, but a petition box would definitely cut down on the tedium. I have to get him and Pops together. Soon. He'll have War running like a sundial in a week. "Not a bad idea, Jox. Thanks!"

As Cupid flew off, disappearing about half-way there, Joxer rearranged his seat so he could watch the action from a safe distance. He wasn't looking to catch a fireball with his face today...

Ares was also watching from his perch, suspicion skating up and down his back as he watched his son depart from the one person he was not supposed to be messing with. Did they never listen? Joxer was off-limits to any Love Deity shenanigans, at least as far as Ares was concerned. He watched Cupid fly off for the edge of town and he waited, anticipating the inevitable interfering to begin any second now. The only thing was... it never came. Nothing happened. Which made him even more suspicious. Ares' attention flitted from his son to his unknowing intended to his daughter still orchestrating the Game still on the ground...

A pair of prickles plagued the back of his neck, announcing the arrival of his twin sons in the area. He felt for them quickly, finding their power signatures on the edge of town, not too far from where Discord was positioned. What was that about? Ordinarily, he might appreciate a little Pain and Fear added to the mix, but they brought nothing to the table here aside from distraction. Hm. Better to narrow the field. Ares gave a mental yell to his nephew and moved him before he could answer, depositing the God of Mischief in front of Harmonia. Keep an eye on your cousin. Something fishy's going on here. Too many family members wandering around.

Harmonia did a double-take as her dark cousin dropped out of thin air, landing in a cloud of dust in front of her. "Strifey?"

"Heya, cookie? Got time for a crumb?" Strife shook off the daze quickly, used to being dumped off in new locales by his uncle's bossy whims.

"What're you doing here?"

"Ah, Unc wants me to keep an eye on you. Something's got him bugged," Strife clambered back to his feet none too gracefully. "I'm bettin' our little plan's about to take off. Wanna get good seats?"

"Uh, yeah!" Harmonia gave one of those 'well, duh' snorts her mother had perfected centuries ago. "I'm not wasting this trip only on work, no matter how much fun it is."

"That's mah girl," Strife smirked, gave her a one-armed squish-hug and surveyed the area. "Hey, let's go keep Jox company. He's got eats." In one quick flash, they were at the table outside the inn, nearly scaring years off Joxer. "Heya, Jox. You mind sharing?"

A hard blink and he was fine, the faint and surprised dizziness gone in a fast second. He was getting used to people... err, gods, that was, popping in and out around him. A little anyway. "Sure! Grab a chair. I think we're about to get a show with lunch."

"You know about this?" One of Strife's eyebrows headed skyward.

"Cupid kinda mentioned it. I hope that's OK." Joxer shifted in his chair, readying himself in case it wasn't.

"Ease up, Jox. It's cool." Strife smiled, a rare sight in itself. At least the cat was only part out of the bag there. He eyed up the spread in front of them, waiting for the nod before digging in, cramming an unidentified wad of food into his yap. Harmonia rolled her eyes and daintily plucked a piece of fruit from the plate. All three turned to watch the action unfold, unaware of the attention being paid to them from several different points, their eyes only on the perimeter, where a golden glow appeared some steps away from the goddess of Discord, whose patience was mere moments from becoming a casualty.

***

Before he flashed in outside of those tiny little towns that didn't mean boo to him, Hermes took a deep breath and ran over the routine in his head, finding a few extra voices rambling around in there as well.

He hadn't meant to eavesdrop. He'd been delivering a mess of paperwork to Hera, mostly wedding petitions and birth notices - usual items for the Queen of the Gods and Goddess of Marriage and Childbirth - when he'd found himself in her garden. He liked it there. It was nice and peaceful and pretty, maybe a little anal on the landscaping, but that was Hera for you. And he'd have taken off in due time... had he not overheard those two voices giggling and shrieking and nattering on like a pair of chimps. Hermes had stowed himself in one of those neat arbors, just leafy enough to hide him and sparse enough to watch those two boys, Ares' boys, filching fruit from one of the trees. Deimos was balanced up on his brother's shoulders, looting the branches as they talked. And was there anything those two did quietly?

<<"And it worked?" the darker-haired one asked, trying to keep his blond doppelganger balanced.

"Like a charm, Pho. I'm tellin' you, she was like butter in my hands, all warm and runny," Deimos licked his fingers, as if to clean them and savor the taste. "Chicks way dig the traditional shit."

"Yeah?"

"If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'. I swear, that's the way to go. Sure-fire every time."

"Oh, COME ON, Dei!" A high pitched giggle made wildlife leap for the hills. "You mean to say that if I go in for all that lacy-doily, tea-towely bullshit..."

"An' I only poured it on a little. A guy who goes whole hog with that junk will have it made in the shade. Any chick, any time. No lie."

"What about, like, Artie? No way would that work for her. Or the Cobweb Queen of Wisdom? Or how about Aunt Rissy? Tell me that she'd fall for some goofus in his best clothes with flowers an' all that."

"Aunt Rissy's the worst of the bunch. Under all that leather and grumbling, you know she's a total girl. She'd jump at a guy if he put out the effort."

"Y'know, the more you talk, the more shit I smell...">>

They'd gone on like that for a while, stealing their grandmother's fruit and chattering away. Hermes had left just as they'd started tormenting the peacocks, not wanting any part of that scene. The Hall of Intellect's vast store of information had filled in the blanks for him, which was good because the other option he could see was questioning the twins about it and he wanted none of that, either. Granted, they were lesser, younger gods than him, but he didn't subscribe to that class system crap. Gods were gods. And anyway, they weren't Pain and Fear for nothing. No sense in poking that bear with a sharp stick.

Shoring up all of his guts and going over it one last time, he dropped in, landing gently instead of screeching to a halt. If he was going to do this, he was going to do it right. The golden wings on his sandals fluttered him to a delicate stop on the green in front of Eris, who looked both surprised and relieved to see him in his 'going to temple' duds, all shiny and pressed and flouncy. Personally, he hated the official get-up. He liked his nice, comfortable toga, broken in and soft. This thing, with all its gold and sparkle, made him itch. But, if this was what it took, then he'd deal with the rash later.

"What's the buzz, Herm?" She forced her voice to sound gruffly casual, almost bordering on the vague annoyance she usually wore. Inside, manic dragonets were playing leapfrog and tag and she wasn't fidgeting, was she? She couldn't be, fidgeting was more of an Aphrodite kind of a thing where you didn't know what to do with your hands and you got all nervous and why was Hermes on his knees?

One knee, to be precise, as the obscure tome had laid out for him. He just hoped he didn't screw this up royal. "In front of all of creation, in the earthly realm and before mortal and Olympian alike, I make my intentions known." And as planned, his voice sounded far and wide, gracing the ear of every god and goddess in the pantheon and every mortal within a good three miles. Up on his perch, Ares' head snapped around, eyes narrowing. What was that little gilded pest up to? He had both suspicions and fears about the possibilities.

A sparkle appeared in the Messenger God's hand, leaving in its wake a long-stemmed flower with black and purple petals. "I seek consent from your eldest to court you, lovely Eris, Princess of Olympus, Second in Line to the Throne of Power, Goddess of Discord, and Enchantress of My Heart."

"Oop! That's me! You guys stick here. I think I'm needed downstage." Strife blipped out without so much as a tiny flick of light, reappearing next to his mother, who was standing there with her mouth slightly agape and twin points of rosy blush starting up on her cheeks. "Heya, Sparkypants. You rang?"

"I wish to formally court your mother and so, as her oldest male child, I ask you for your blessing." He left off any excessive honorific, since he was pretty sure Strife would bust him a new one for it. Though, he'd been pretty sure that Eris would've slapped him around for it too and she was just standing there, gobsmacked.

"No foolin'?" Strife's face brightened for a second and then narrowed into hard scrutiny. "For real. You wanna� with Mom." His eyes darted to his mother and back to Hermes again. "My Mom. This Mom."

Hermes couldn't keep it in. "You got another one stashed in yer back pocket, kid? Yeah, this Mom." Tradition or no, sometimes the smartassery came out on top.

"An' this ain't some kinda sick joke you guys cooked up over in the Hall of Wiseasses to make her look stupid or weak or some shit?" Those eyes were hard chips of glacial ice, burning cold and razor-sharp.

Maybe it wasn't traditional as traditional went, but Strife had the right idea. Hermes had been expecting some kind of questioning - as her oldest son and man of her 'house', it was his duty to clear this before it got off the ground. A lack of formal speech didn't change anything. Hermes turned his eyes to Eris, drinking in all her beauty as if he was dying of thirst.

"No way."

Strife mulled it over for a minute or two, making a few thoughtful faces before nodding. "OK."

"WHAT?" Ares bellowed loud enough to wake the dead before zapping over from his rooftop perch. He'd been listening - with the official nature of it, he couldn't help it - and this was too much. "Are you out of your buggy little mind, Strife?"

"Unc, please. We're talking." Strife didn't even face his uncle, turning his attention to his mother and almost reeling back with the intensity of the bashful glow on her face. OK, so maybe there was something to this and not just Aunt Dite's meddling. So be it. "If it's OK with Mom, you show up at the Hall of War, ooh, say... around lunchtime tomorrow and we'll bang out the particulars. Mom?" A quick nod from the goddess trying to reconstruct herself in the face of sudden chivalry had her son nodding, too. "Good. It's settled then."

"Fuck all is settled! There is no way I am letting my sister date anyone from Intellect, let alone the pip-squeak in charge of thieves and perverts!" Ares found himself immediately in mid-bluster, unable to stop the outrage. "And wherever he is, my SON can stop hiding because I KNOW he's behind this mess!" His eyes darted around, looking for his guilty offspring.

"Sheesh, Pops. Calm down," Cupid was in mid-eyeroll when he reappeared, looking put out by the interruption in ceremony.

"Ar', please shut your blathering piehole." Eris' voice was sweet and deadly in that 'if you wreck this, I'll be wearing your balls for earrings' way that she had.

"Yeah, cork it, wouldja?" Filled with confidence in the presence of his lady fair, not to mention several other gods, Hermes could be brave now. Sure, he might get slapped around later, but that was the chance you took with this kind of thing. If he didn't stand up here, he'd never prove himself to her. "We're talkin' here."

As Ares fumed, Harmonia had enough of the sidelines and the wave after wave of heated anger that was ricocheting off of the shields she was protected with. She may have been safe, but the rest of the town seemed to be feeling the hostility. And after they'd done all that work, too� A quick decision had to be made. "C'mon, Joxer. We've gotta cool some heads."

Before he could say anything (did gods ever wait for you to agree or what?), Joxer found his hand grabbed and the world around him enveloped in a peachy-pinky-lavendar light. There was a jerky, rushing sensation and his head began the inevitable spin. Fortunately, it was a short trip and he found himself standing on a hillock, watching Ares start to boil over. Unfortunately, his equilibrium wasn't invited. His stomach joined in a little, messing with all that delicious food he'd just had but not sending it topside. He wondered if he'd ever get the hang of otherworldly movement. Looking at his god and the fit of rage building up, he sincerely doubted he'd ever get the chance. As his head cleared, many voices fought to fill the space.

"Listen to me, frecklespeck. It'll be a cold day in Tartarus before I�"

"Unc', I got this. You don't need to�"

"�a grown goddess, or haven't you noticed? I can decide for myself�"

"�doesn't require me to ask you thing one, bub. This is between me an' Rissy an' her boy. So back off, whydontcha?"

Joxer blinked hard, twice, that wooziness returning, melding with some kind of weird tingling sensation and deciding that he'd been vertical for too long. His head spun once more for good measure, the noise and excitement too much for his dizzy head, and he keeled over like a ton of bricks. For a good minute, there was silence.

Then, chaos.

-tbc-
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