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Adam	By : kattanon Category: S through Z > The Shield Views: 1482 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own The Shield, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Disclaimer: - I don�t own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.

Adam Chapter 10
When he�d first woken up after "the visit" Adam�s head had felt stuffed full of cotton wool, his thought processes sluggish and confused. Lying with his eyes closed he�d vaguely wondered if either he was suffering from the after affects of too much wine, if he�d drunken far too quickly in an attempt to numb things, or maybe if Taylor had let him do a couple of lines of coke. Taylor liked to let him have some cocaine occasionally it seemed to amuse him to watch Adam snorting a few lines of the drug up his nose. He said it made Adam relax, loosened him up a bit, Adam didn�t really care as long as it blurred the lines and let him drift above what ever Taylor was doing to his body.
He hadn�t even thought anything of it when he couldn�t move his hands. After all it wouldn�t be the first time he�d woken up still tied to the bed; he was just relieved he couldn�t remember the night before. And if his hands were secured at his sides instead of over his head as normal, well it wasn�t his place to question what Taylor wanted. It had only been as he had been lying there in a bit of a pleasant haze listening carefully to the quiet room trying to determine if Taylor had left already, or if he was just sitting quietly waiting for Adam to wake up, that the details of the visit began to filter into his brain. He suddenly remembered he wasn�t at home anymore, and his eyes had snapped open to find himself tied down to a hospital bed in the hospital�s psychiatric wing.
That had been six days ago and thankfully he hadn�t been drugged up and tied to his hospital bed since. Instead he got to spend his days alternating between mind numbing boredom and complete and utter confusion when strange images of places and people he felt he should know, and half remembered conversations that seemed so familiar flashed through his mind.
Then interposed throughout his day would be one or sometimes two visits from his therapist Doctor Bennett who�d been assigned to him by the hospital�s chief of psychiatry Doctor Kim. Doctor Bennett was in her mid-fifties Adam would have guessed with greying hair and a face that showed a few lines and wrinkles and none of the effects of any surgical intervention to try and slow down the passage of time. She was what could be described as petite, but despite her diminutive size she didn�t seem to take any crap from anybody � including him. His blusters of temper during their first few meetings had been met by a calm exterior that just sat and waited until his temper had blown itself out and then a quiet voice would announce,
"Right then, if you�re finished let�s continue shall we?"
Nothing seemed to upset her, nothing seemed to disturb her air of calm and she insisted on calling him Holland, even when he�d refused to respond to it and had shouted at her in his loudest voice,
"My name�s Adam you stupid bitch!"
She hadn�t batted an eye lid and had just responded with,
"Your name is Detective Holland Wagenbach. You were born on October the seventeenth 1967 in a small town called Scott�s Bluff in Nebraska. Adam is the name given to you by your kidnapper and abuser and I won�t use it."
And Adam liked her despite himself.
At first he�d been reluctant to talk to her though. He didn�t like dwelling on things, thinking things through too deeply. He found it only confused him and made him feel sad and upset, deeply unsettled down inside of himself. So Adam tried to live from one moment to the next, never over analysing anything or thinking about the past. Yet this was exactly what Doctor Bennett wanted him to do all the time. At the start of each session she would reiterate the same statement,
"Your name is Detective Holland Wagenbach. You were born on October the seventeenth 1967 in a small town called Scott�s Bluff in Nebraska. You are a detective working for the Los Angeles Police Department and you�re stationed in an area called Farmington. Just over a year ago you were abducted by a man called Taylor Fitzgerald and you have been held prisoner by him until your recent rescue. Now I think we need to discuss what happened during the time you were held prisoner by him Holland."
For the first couple of days he�d refused to answer, usually getting mad and calling her a liar, telling her he wanted to see Taylor, he wanted to go home with him. He would insist it was she who was colluding with others and that their actions were resulting in him being held against his will. But even when he was yelling at her something deep inside of him had begun to whisper that he was free, that he didn�t have to hide away anymore, that he could remember the time before the dark. That voice had gotten louder and more insistent and while he tried to ignore it at first, remembering how much trouble he�d gotten into with Taylor the last time he�d listened to it and had tried to escape. However, eventually the voice just got too loud and too insistent and he gave in to it, and for the past couple of days he�d finally sat down opposite Doctor Bennett and had begun to talk to her.
The first thing he had told her was about the dark. How it had gradually smothered him, squeezing the life out of him until it had eventually eaten him up. An hour or so after this session a nurse had come to his room and left a night light beside his bed saying that Doctor Bennett had thought he might like it. That night when he�d lain awake staring at the light feeling bathed in it�s warm, reassuring glow he felt something give inside his chest. Something that had been coiled and twisted inside for too long loosened just a little bit, and for the first time in such a long time he slept the night through without any nightmares.
After that he�d told Doctor Bennett in a quiet voice how he�d sat in the dark and had sung every song he�d known until his voice had given out on him just so he could have something to fill up the silence. He told her how he was finally grateful to his seventh grade English literature teacher Mr. Gibbs for making the class learn poetry by heart, each of them having to recite it to the rest of the class every Friday afternoon. "Ode to A Nightingale", "The Lady of Shallot", "The Charge of the Light Brigade" all of which had been cursed as torture when he�d had to learn them had been embraced as a great comfort when he�d surprised himself by realising that they were still buried in his brain and he still remembered them.
He�d told her about the voices and faces that had begun to haunt him in the dark. How he�d taken refuge in his corner huddling away from them and had felt terrified and bewildered all at the same time. He hadn�t noticed the tears running down his cheeks until Doctor Bennett had simply handed him some tissues without making any comment.
Today he knew she wanted to talk about the time he�d finally been released from his lonely, dark prison. The thought of revisiting that time frightened him but he knew the time had come for him to really begin to exorcise his ghosts and try to take back what had been stolen from him � his old life.
An hour later when Doctor Bennett had arrived for their session and seating herself opposite from him had smiled and as normal had begun,
"Your name is Detective Holland Wagenbach�"
He interrupted her and said much more firmly then he felt inside,
"Dutch�everyone calls me Dutch."
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- 15
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Adam