SAVING GRACES

CHAPTER 14



Captain Danny Ross leaned heavily against the elevator’s back wall. He rubbed the back of his neck, and smiled wanly as he recalled that it was a favorite move of Bobby Goren. “Odd,” Ross thought. “Not only am I happy to visit Goren, I’m happy to visit him in the hospital…at least it gives me a break from the case…and the press and the Brass…I’ll have to warn Goren about the Chief of Detectives’ visit…”



The elevator door opened, and Ross faced a wild storm. Doctors and nurses rushed about; men and women in hospital security uniforms swarmed around the hall and spoke frantically to cell phones and radios. For a brief, confused moment Ross wondered if the Chief had already arrived. He saw a worried and tense Alex Eames standing in front of the nurses’ station.



“Eames…What’s going on? Is Goren all right?”



“He’s gone,” Alex said flatly.



“Gone?” Ross stared at her. She couldn’t mean that Goren was dead. All of the reports were good; all said that Goren was steadily getting better. Ross had visited him briefly, and while the detective was unconscious and looked terribly pale, there was nothing to suggest that the big, strong man wouldn’t recover. “Gone?” Ross repeated.



“From his room,” Alex said numbly. “Olivia…Olivia Benson and I left him for just a few minutes to get some coffee…He said he was tired…We were only gone a few minutes…When we got back to his room…He was gone.”



Ross gently guided Alex to a relatively quiet corner. “Goren’s missing.”



Alex nodded her head. “It…it looks like he hasn’t been gone long. He pulled out his IVs…They’d taken him off the monitors…He took off…He must still be in the hospital…He’s pretty noticeable…Big guy in a hospital gown…Bleeding…” Alex bit her lip.



“Bleeding? And why did he…”



Olivia appeared at Ross’ side in time to hear his questions. “We’re not sure,” she responded in a strained voice. “But we…Alex and I…were reading some papers to him…We didn’t read anything about the case…But when we left…” She winced.



“We left the newspapers,” Alex said in a choked voice.



“Goren read the stories on the case,” Ross said thoughtfully. “And he doesn’t think he deserves credit for what he did…May even think he screwed up…And he was already carrying a load of guilt over the Brady cases…”



“You’re right,” Olivia said to Alex. “He gives Bobby a run for the money in the brains department.”



“Yea,” Alex sighed, glancing at Ross. “It’s an interesting race sometimes.”



Ross smiled weakly. “Do we have any idea where he might be?”



Alex shook her head. “The only good thing is they didn’t find a lot of blood…But if he opens up any of those sutures…”



“Well, the Chief of Detectives will have to postpone his visit again,” Ross said. “Maybe he’ll give up trying. Don’t worry, Eames…We’ll find him…I’ll talk with the hospital security.”



“Alex,” Olivia said urgently as Ross walked away. “You know Bobby as well as anyone can. What do you think he did? Where’s he gone?”



Alex closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall. “Ok,” she said. “I don’t think he’s really thinking…He…he just wants to get away…Away from all this praise he doesn’t think he deserves…From this guilt trip he’s laying on himself…” She looked at Olivia. “He rarely runs away…and he always comes back…”



“He hasn’t gone far,” Olivia reasoned. It felt good to think, to have something to solve.



Alex blinked. “He’ll go to some place safe…” She thought for a moment, and walked up to one of the frantic nurses. “Do you have anything like a library here?”



The hospital bore two rooms fitting that description. One, locked and with restricted access, held reference books and professional materials for the staff; the other provided a few books, magazines, and other materials for the patients and their families. “Mr. Goren asked the same question this morning,” a nurse said eagerly. “He hoped he could find some things to read.”



This library was a small, warm, friendly room. The young woman at the desk stared in shock at the army of doctors, nurses, and police officers who invaded her domain. She hadn’t seen Bobby, but readily admitted that she’d left her post briefly to use the bathroom and to get coffee; someone could’ve entered the room at either time. Not wishing to disturb Bobby more than he already was, Olivia and Alex began a quiet canvass of the room.



The joining of several walls created the library, and these, combined with the placement of several bookshelves, created several nooks and crannies. Olivia found him in one of those cubbyholes. He was curled up in a ball, desperately and unsuccessfully trying to make his body disappear. He wore only the ridiculously undersized hospital gown, and Olivia saw the vast white bandages on his body. To her relief, she didn’t see any red marks on those bandages, but Bobby shivered in the cool air conditioning. She fought against the tears in her eyes. “I don’t know what to do,” she thought. “I don’t know how to help him.” She cautiously stepped closer to Bobby; he responded by trying to curl into a tighter ball, burying his head between his knees and wrapping his arms around it. “Oh, God,” Olivia thought. “What have I gotten myself into?” She studied Bobby. He looked less like a strong, bright, experienced detective and more like a frightened boy, more like one of Bertelli’s victims than their avenger. “Alex,” Olivia called, keeping one eye on Bobby. “I found him.”



Alex was at Olivia’s side in seconds. “Oh…”



Bobby jerked at the sound of Alex’s voice. Alex looked at Olivia, and the SVU detective understood she should follow Alex’s lead. Olivia stepped behind Alex as the smaller woman stepped closer to Bobby.



“Bobby.” Alex’s voice was calm and soft; it betrayed none of her considerable fear. “Are you ok?”



Bobby whimpered softly.



“You look cold,” Alex continued evenly. “Are your sutures ok?” She moved closer to him.



He trembled. “I…I’m sorry.” Alex and Olivia could barely hear him.



Alex slowly knelt beside him. “What happened? Why did you take off like that?”



“You don’t know,” Bobby said, his voice muffled and face hidden. “Neither of you…You don’t know what I am…”



Olivia followed Alex’s example and knelt at Bobby’s feet. “Bobby,” she said. “We both know you’re a good, gentle man.”



“No…no…” He shook his head and finally raised his eyes. He looked away quickly and stared at the floor. “You were right, Eames. You’d think that by now I would’ve learned that you’re always right.”



“Bobby,” a confused Alex said. “This can wait…Let’s get you back to your room…”



“No…no…This can’t wait. If we go back to the room, I’ll be too tired or someone will come in or I’ll be too afraid…I have to tell you now.” His desperate eyes sought Olivia. “Does…does she know…about…your…parents…” He hated the pain he caused in her eyes.



Alex and Olivia looked at each other. “You must trust him,” Alex said. “If you told him that.”



Olivia smiled sadly. “Yea, I do.”



“Olivia,” Bobby pleaded. “Please…believe me…I…I was…I liked you…Cared…Before I knew…Please believe that.”



Olivia was terribly confused. “What…what’s this all about?”



Bobby took a deep, ragged breath. “Brady…he…he…my Mom…She was one of his victims.”



Alex winced; Olivia reached out to him, but Bobby pulled away.



“It…it’s worse…Before he…he hurt her…My Mom…She had an affair with Brady….”



A terrible, heavy stone filled Alex, and she thought it might sink her into the floor. Olivia fought a terrible choking in her throat.



“Brady…Brady thought…thought I was his biological son…”



“No!” Alex seized Bobby’s shoulders. “You are nothing like him! You are a good, brave man…”



“Eames…please…please…” With great effort Bobby jerked away from her. “My Mom…just before she died…She told me…She didn’t know…She was never sure…Who my father was…” He leaned forward and again wrapped his arms around his head. “She…she didn’t know…The reason Brady sent…that…”confession”…” Bobby spat out the last word. “He sent it to his…I’m no hero…I’m a fraud…I…I don’t know who I am…Oh, God…”



He wanted to cry, to scream, to run away, but there was nothing left inside. He sat with his head between his knees, his arms wrapped around his head. He knew they would leave him now. They would leave him with his fears and his lies and his thoughts. He would be alone.



He felt a gentle touch on his shoulder. He turned his head and saw Alex at his side.



“I knew I should’ve gone with you.”



“We know who you are,” Olivia said from his other side. “Alex said it. You’re a good, kind, intelligent man. Every thing that you’ve done in the short time I’ve known you says that.”



His head swam. They weren’t running away. They were both still with him. “I…I’m sorry…You’re both so good…I…I don’t deserve…” He shivered.



“C’mon,” Alex said. “Let’s get you back to your room.”



He didn’t fight as the doctors and nurses eased him into a wheelchair and rolled him back to his room. He meekly slipped into his bed. A quietly furious Dr. Wang carefully checked him.



“You’re very lucky, Mr. Goren,” the young surgeon said. “You could’ve ripped out your sutures. Several doctors and I worked very hard to get you back together.”



Bobby stared past Wang to where Alex and Olivia stood. “I’m sorry,” he said, his words directed at more than just the doctor. “I wasn’t thinking…or thinking too much.”



Wang adjusted Bobby’s IV. “You may have picked up an infection,” the doctor said severely. “You’ve got a slight temperature. Your body is still very weak. I hope we don’t have to restrain you.”



Bobby blanched. “I…I won’t do anything like that again. I promise.”



Wang didn’t attempt to hide his skepticism.



“You can trust him, Doctor,” Alex said quietly. “He keeps his promises.”



“And we’ll keep an eye on him,” Olivia added. Like Alex, she sensed that any restraints would devastate Bobby.



Bobby looked at the two women with enormous gratitude.



“All right,” Wang conceded. “But, please, Mr. Goren…Be careful…We like you…but we want to help you to get out of here as quickly as possible.”



Wang’s departure left an uneasy silence in the room.



“So,” Alex finally said. “I guess you won’t have to talk to the Chief of Detectives for a while.”



“What some people won’t do to avoid the Brass,” Olivia added.



Bobby shifted uncomfortably on the bed. His excursion left him exhausted and dazed. He still tried to comprehend why Alex and Olivia were still by his side, and pain was clawing at the edge of his mind. “You…you did hear what I said?” he asked wearily.



“Yes,” Alex said. She looked at Olivia, then at Bobby. “I could use some coffee. If you could keep an eye on him for a while, Olivia…”



“Of course.” Olivia gave Alex a grateful look as she left. “Bobby,” she said cautiously. “You thought…I’m sorry to be so blunt, but it’s the only way I know how to do this…” For a moment she looked as lost and desperate as she felt. “You thought…that…What did you think?” She sat in the chair closest to Bobby’s bed.



Her honesty helped Bobby to be equally true. “I was afraid,” he said in a low, strained voice. “That you’d think…that…I was using you…that…because of…your father…that you would…” His resolved faltered.



“Maybe we could help each other…Maybe it’s why we’re drawn to each other,” Olivia said softly.



“But,” Bobby said. “That’s not why…when I first met you…Before I knew about…I…I liked you…I cared about you…I hoped…As much as I could…I do…God!” he said forcefully. “I hate not being able to pace…” He shook with frustration, anger and exhaustion.



Olivia carefully and tenderly pulled the blankets over Bobby. She laid her hand against his cheek. Her hand was warm against his skin, and her touch soothed him. He turned to her, and she hesitantly wrapped her arms around him. He trembled again and fell into her arms. “I…I’m sorry…sorry…”



“I believe you,” Olivia said. She held him, cautiously avoiding the IV tubes. Beneath the hospital gown she felt the rough stitches on his skin. “And I think I understand why it’s important to you for me to believe.” She pressed her head to his. “Alex knew we needed some time together.”



“Yea,” Bobby answered in a shaky voice. “She’s a great partner…and friend.”



END CHAPTER 14