Blind Chess | By : madradena Category: Star Trek > The Next Generation Views: 1334 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0 |
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I do not own ST:TNG, nor the characters. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. |
Data pulled the blanket over Emma's sleeping body as she turned to her side and reached out towards his pillow, looking for him moaning softly. She finally settled for burying her face into his pillow instead of him, and he sat down next to her on the bed to watch her sleep. He was reluctant to bring her to his own quarters, but his mother and Doctor Crusher convinced him that the one place she felt most secure was with him, so he brought her home from Ten Forward, already sleeping from the alcohol she'd consumed that night.
He watched her sleep. Time passed by slowly as he watched her chest heaving and listened to her soft breathing. Sometimes, he raised a hand almost as a second nature to stroke her hair or to take her hand in his. But he realized it would have been wrong and he would always stop mid-motion. The last time they had physical contact without being upset with each other was in the morning. The time that had passed since then was short by human standards for sure, but for him, it felt like three eternities and ten minutes. It was amazing how much he craved after touching her! The physical aspect of their relationship had always been one of the most important things they experienced together, but after last night, he felt that being without it resembled to what torture might be like for an organic being.
Spot jumped up the bed, and he could see her yellow gaze staring at him expectantly in the semi-darkness.
"No, Spot. I'm not sleeping with you two tonight. Just be a good cat and lie down, please." he asked her on a hushed whisper.
Instead of obeying, she climbed into his lap and purring, she took some circles before she found the most comfortable scooping position to sleep in. He gently stroked her fur until she fell asleep. He recalled cuddling his cat lying next to his love the night before, and he also recalled the contentment and happiness he'd felt in that amazing moment. It was in sharp contrast with the loneliness he felt now. Even though that the room was the same, the bed was the same, Spot and Emma were the same, something was very much out of place, and he couldn't think of anything but himself to be different.
In the last few weeks, he'd tried to keep his personal life apart from his professional life, so he could enjoy each and every moment of the former despite the troubles he had to face in the latter. And it was worth it! Every single moment, when Emma smiled at him so lovingly, every single kiss she had given him, every hug, every caress, every teasing was a reminder for him, that whatever was going on outside their happy home was irrelevant! These tender moments were the ones that really mattered! Those were the moments that made it worth it to make the sacrifices necessary to elongate the time they had together!
It was worth it up until the moment, he realized that Emma did not appreciate the effort at all. Moreover, she was disappointed. She'd expected him to behave very differently from the way he actually had, and he knew he had to understand the source of that disappointment, if he wanted to resolve the conflict between them. Because he wanted to. He needed to... So he decided that instead of wrapping himself up in despair, he would dedicate most of his resources to finding the reasons in the night ahead.
Emma woke slowly to the faint light coming from the other room. She blinked sleepily for a few moments, then sat up gingerly, eyes still half-closed, and when she finally realized that her head was about to fall apart, she buried her face in her palms with a soft moan.
"Here, this will help in alleviating your head ache." she heard Data's voice from above her, and as she took her hands away from her face startled, she saw him holding a glass full of some clear liquid out to her.
She took it and drank a few gulps. She sighed as the pain-killer took effect, and she felt better in a few moments. She looked around curiously "So. I did end up in your bed after all." she remarked raising an eyebrow.
"I needed to watch over you during the night." he answered on a silent voice.
She looked up into his eyes, and her mouth twitched into a challenging smile "No touch, only watched?"
However, Data was not in the mood for her teasing, and he stepped away from the bed "I thought you knew me better than to ask such a question."
"I was just joking..."
He glanced back from the doorway "I'm no expert, but I can tell you, it wasn't one of your brightest attempts at humour." he told her and went out to the workspace area.
Emma rolled her eyes and putting the glass down on the bedside table, she jumped up from the bed, and after steadying herself from her head-rush, she went after him. He was giving some food to Spot and stroked the cat as she was eating.
She watched him for a moment longer as he was crouching there with the cat so preoccupied and finally decided to just give up her pride and apologize "Could you just stop sulking, so that I could say sorry?" He raised his head, then stood. She walked up to him and went on gazing away embarrassed "I was stupid. I was angry at everybody and everything. And I took it out on you." she shrugged and grimaced still a little stubbornly "Not that I wouldn't have appreciated you telling me where we were going, but..." she looked up at him again and shrugged once more "I understand why you didn't."
He glanced away and thought back to what Doctor Crusher had told him yesterday. She seemed to be right. "I'm glad you came to terms with it." he nodded and stepped away from her.
He put on his uniform top and started to do the fastenings.
Emma rolled her eyes and felt herself becoming angry again at his sulking "I said I'm sorry, what else do you want me to do, Data? Kneel in front of you and pray to the god of cybernetics for forgiveness?" He finished buttoning his uniform top and just gazed into her eyes without saying a word. It was the kind of expression she came to know to be so neutral, that she could project literally any emotion to it - now she saw accusation and pain and disappointment. It made her heart sink. No. No, please just don't! Don't say you're having doubts now! She stepped up to him and gazed into his eyes pleading - pride forgotten "Please, just let's talk! Please!"
Data's expression softened a little, but then he gazed away regretfully "I wish I had the time. However, I have to go to meet Doctor Maddox at the transporter room." and he started for the door.
She couldn't hide the shock in her voice as she called after him "You do go along with this, don't you?"
Data sighed now impatiently as he turned back "What other choice do I have, Emma?"
She stepped up to him again "Refuse this! Defy them, don't let them dissect you!" she asked him pleading.
"Don't you understand?! I'd have to leave the Enterprise!" he retorted.
"And does it worth it to stay on board under such conditions?" she asked desperately.
"It is worth it to stay with the people I regard as my family!" he repeated his one reason he held on to as if his life depended on it.
She shook her head getting really upset with him being so passive about this "Why don't you at least try to fight this? I can't believe you are going into this without at least protesting!"
"I fought it. Captain Picard fought it. We failed. The court martial made a decision. I chose to go along with it. There's nothing to fight anymore..."
"But can't you see how unfair this is?!" she cut in "Nobody else is asked to stop feeling emotions just because it may cloud our judgement! It's nonsense! How can they ask you to do it? How can you just agree on forgetting about the one thing you always wanted?!" she asked now demandingly.
"I'm not nobody else, Emma."
"But..."
"You keep thinking about me as if I was a human! I am not a human!" he cut in raising his voice - her eyes reflected utter shock as he went on on a softer voice "I am an android, Emma. A machine... And I'm very grateful to you that you try to keep up a wonderful illusion by considering me a human. Nobody has ever done this for me, and I was very happy losing myself in it. However... it is still only an illusion." he instinctively raised his hand to touch her but stopped in the motion and dropped his hand to his side as he went on on a low, rueful voice "I wish it wasn't. I wish I was the person you see in me."
"You are!" she breathed feeling a catch in her throat.
"No, I'm not." he shook his head wistfully "You were right yesterday. I have serious gaps in my knowledge and ability of empathy. You want to face it or not, it is precisely because I am a machine. I thought about this all night. I think you were so angry at me, because you really think of me as a human. And a human would never have let you down the way I did. It was a harsh proof that made you realize the fact that I'm not a human... and maybe even the fact that I never will be." he gazed into her desperate eyes for a long soul-searching moment then swallowed hard "I wish you could accept that. But ...you'll have to decide that for yourself." he whispered "I'll see you later." he said goodbye and was gone a moment later.
"Yeah..." she breathed as the door slid shut after him and she remained in his room so terribly empty without him that her heart broke.
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