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Occupation of the Mind	By : Jack-O-Lantern Category: Star Trek > Deep Space 9 Views: 666 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: DS9, nor the characters from it (save for the OC I created within the bounds of the established universe). I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 14
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- 16
Chapter Fourteen
Time stretched on like that. The station was empty of Dukat. His checking in on me was faithful, but not as prolific as when he’d started which left me feeling both relieved and empty. I was obsessed with sewing as often as I could. It barely held me together as I existed outside of my expired time. I could never be completely open with Garak, but I enjoyed being around him. The scare around me harming myself died back and I fell into obscurity once more. But every night, when I didn’t have the steady weaving of the thread stealing my thoughts, I wondered how much longer I could hold on. It was always “one more day”. I just tried to get myself to one more day. I’d tell myself that Garak was expecting me. Anything to push myself through the night.
But one day, Gul Dukat did show up again.
My door chimed and when it open he stood there and just looked at me with a muted smile. I stared up at him, in as much shock as I had been that first time I saw him return to the station. He stepped inside and once the door closed, gathered me to himself. He apologized for his absence, told me some significant changes had occurred. That he’d been dealing with a situation. But that, if I wanted, I could come with him now.
The world stopped and I went cold. A door to the past flew open and pulled me towards it. I stared up at him in fear of the offer I thought I’d never have to consider.
“With you? But, how..?” He sighed heavily and worked a thumb over my shoulder.
“I’m afraid I have experienced a career set-back and am now on an assignment that offers me more freedom as lackluster as it may be. I can finally be there for you again as I’m meant to be.” This can’t be real. I gazed at him, lips parted. “This is all temporary, I assure you. I will get my status back—make no mistake, even as things are now I can still more than provide for you.”
“But I don’t understand. What about your family? I know there’s no way I can be seen with you.” A strained smile spread across his face, hands clasped in front of him.
“Unfortunately…my family has left me.” I was stunned. Him? The former Prefect of all of Bajor? Commander of his own warship? The man with the eloquence to win most everyone over? The man who’s every interaction could be gentle even with the enemy? This powerful man… How could it be that his family had abandoned him?
“I’m…sorry…”
“Yes…it is unfortunate; however, I have no one to blame but myself. Which reminds me, if you accept my offer, there is someone I want you to meet.” There was warmth to the small smile that followed. That warmth did not touch the cold that grew within me.
“Who?”
“My half-Bajoran daughter.”
Garak’s words stung in my mind. Of course it was no surprise, especially for a man of his status, but despite my unwillingness, it hurt for it to be confirmed. To diminish my pampered relationship with him to the whims of an amorous, manipulative, and selfish man. To hear of his other conquests hurt. To hear of the fruit of his conquests hurt even more. And now here he was admitting it. It was no longer just “rumor”.
“If you have her…why do you want me?” I asked. It hurt knowing more concretely how deeply the lies ran.
“My love for my daughter doesn’t negate my care for you. There’s no need to feel threatened.”
“I’m not threatened... I’m simply confused. To this day, I don’t know what you could want with me now that everything is long over.” Dukat smiled.
“There are many things I see in you that I like. I care deeply about you and do not wish to see you suffering, alone, on this station. I want you to be at my side where you belong.”
“Won’t you get bored of me?” Dukat chuckled.
“Never.”
“Will it be okay to have a Bajoran, a non-family member aboard your vessel?”
“Yes. No one will protest it.”
“What about when you go back home?”
“Both you and my daughter are under my protection. You will be fine.” Tears brimmed as I lowered my gaze. “Now what do you say? Leave this dull, lonely station behind you, and be with me.” I thought of Garak and everyone else who fought for my freedom from him. I closed my eyes.
“Yes.”
-*-
He wiped my tears, told me how elated he was, he watched me pack what few things I had and escorted me back to his freighter. I didn’t say goodbye to anyone. I was too ashamed after betraying them like this. I couldn’t possibly face them. Especially after all the time Garak spent with me. All of that for nothing. I was flinging all his help back in his face.
“Ziyal,” he called after we’d boarded. “I have an old friend I want you to meet.” A young woman emerged, smiling uncertainly. Her eyes fell on me, tracing my face as I traced hers. She had all the Cardassian features along with the Bajoran nose. “Ziyal, this is Tamir. Tamir, this is my daughter, Ziyal.”
“Nice to meet you.” She was soft-spoken. Like me.
“Nice to meet you too.” I didn’t know what she was like. I didn’t know where she’d been up to that point. Was she more Cardassian or Bajoran in philosophy? Which race did she hate? Did she hate either?
“I’m sure there’s a lot you two can talk about and there will be plenty of time to do so. Tamir, I want you to feel comfortable here. You have free reign, and Ziyal can show you around or answer any questions when I’m busy. Tonight we’ll have a fine meal together to celebrate. But first, let me show you to your quarters.”
It was nice, pre-decorated with warm reds and golds. There were clothes in the closet. More outfits than I’d ever had. A large bowl of fruits on the table, a four-poster bed with sheer drapes tied to the posts. It was then that I wondered: we were on a freighter. Surely the rooms didn’t look this nice. Had he made it nicer for me? Hopeful of my company? Was he trying to make staying here as appealing as possible?
“You like it?” he smiled at me as I took it all in.
“Yes…it’s very nice.” On the bedside table was a vase of Vedek’s Stars.
He gave me a tour of his ship with the obligatory, “It’s not much, but…” and promises that he’d regain his status. I had to wonder that, if he did, would I still be welcome? Am I not only here because such a low-ranking vessel isn’t that closely monitored? I wasn’t sure what I wanted to happen anymore.
That night we ate together, Dukat looking as pleased as I’d ever seen him. He seemed so open and friendly. Is this the man with his defenses down, or a façade tailored for both his daughter and I?
He checked in on me later to see how I was settling in. He sat with me and explained how things were going to be and fed me reassurances. We shared a few drinks, he kissed my nose, and left me to settle in for the night. It was isolating. To be alone in a room on a small ship in the middle of vast space. But it was also somewhat comforting to be surrounded by a small group of people that wouldn’t shun me. I felt terrible for feeling that way.
Ziyal and I spent a good deal of time together when I wasn’t hiding in my quarters. She had a lot of questions about Bajor. I did what I could to answer them. Never got out much from our small area. She spoke of Dukat in an adoring way. She spoke of how kind and confident he was without a trace of doubt in the sincerity of the show he put on. As I listened to her, I again questioned myself. Had I been wrong all along? Was he a decent person making the best of a bad political situation?
No, that couldn’t be true, yet I couldn’t help the growing doubt. I was glad she could have such an untainted relationship with him. And I was amazed that he had taken her in, sacrificed almost everything to do so. The Dukat I thought I knew would never sacrifice power and reputation for anything let alone a Bajoran. Why did he take her in? Did he want to cut ties with his family for as well as he talked of them? But even so, to throw away his promotion to Legate? He had been so proud of it. He told me all about it the day it had happened. I didn’t know what to think and he never let me see a crack in his façade. He never snapped at her. Nor me. How could he maintain such a flawless charade? It was something I never understood. The game of pretend was more obvious to me during the occupation, though he was no less convincing, for the sole fact that Bajor was still under their tyrannical rule and people continued to die. But now there were no atrocities to prove his charade false. It was harder to be sure of his wickedness. And the guilt from that uncertainty ate away at me.
I spent some time adjusting to my new life, trying to feign a sense of normalcy. I looked at Ziyal and thought that she had the sort of hope I was supposed to have after my ordeal. I longed for that. I longed for the innocent love of another. But still, I felt cast in shadow.
Then things took an unexpected turn. He’d taken a mission to escort Major Kira to an intelligence conference held on a Cardassian outpost on Korma. I’d hidden away in my quarters afraid I’d be recognized. I didn’t want to be found. I didn’t want to be questioned. However, it was found that the outpost along with all the attending representatives had been destroyed. I thought Dukat had come to a similar desire to draw himself to an end when he faced down the Klingon Bird-of-Prey that was discovered responsible for the massacre. I felt light. My heart beat quickly as I peered at the screen from behind Ziyal who’d warned me of the danger. Everyone thought it was suicide, and though I was frightened, I was also elated. There was a singular moment of our goals aligning and knowing it’d be over.
But we weren’t attacked, not at first. Dukat chased down death in the name of vengeance and instead of being obliterated, he gathered everyone together, and they all fought for our survival.
After a dizzying series of events, I found myself, safe, on the Klingon warship with the Klingons on the incapacitated freighter. And soon it was a mere explosion of debris hurdling out in all directions. Dukat had been victorious. He had fought with everyone else to ensure survival. He had never intended to give in to the silence of the void. I had misread him for the first time ever since knowing him. It was the only time I had fully believed in an idea of him. I had felt connected to him for the first time in that one moment. I thought we were going to find peace together. Of course the idea was foolish, I knew that now. I had let hope blind me. My longing for death is my own sickness and I am alone in it.
With his sight set on the glory of saving Cardassia from the Klingon threat, Ziyal left with Major Kira to take refuge on DS9, and I remained in her stead without her optimism. I had the option of going with her. Dukat even gave me his blessing. But I had been through that before and couldn’t again. There was nothing for me on that station but dark memories and faces that held disappointment. I remained behind with him despite the dangerous path he’d chosen. He was pleased.
I was unofficially moved into his quarters, and there is where I spent most of my days. He cared for me as he always had. I acquiesced him with a growing hollowness. His mission was broken up by short retreats to spend more time with me and let his crew rest. These changes of scenery were wonderful, but somehow only increased the melancholy. I couldn’t keep this up forever and I was nearing my limit.
He bought me flowers on one of our trips. Another bouquet of Vedek’s Stars. I couldn’t remember ever expressing a preference for them and yet he seemed to know. As I gazed at them I remembered their toxic properties. They contained a powerful toxin that once ingested caused paralysis, then heart failure. I stared at them for days, thinking about, for the first time, how easily I could kill him. And myself.
The flowers expired as I let my fantasy cool. I kept alive for him, pretending I was okay. I felt as if I had spent too much time not being okay. Surely he would become tired of me, frustrated with my lack of progress.
I still thought of those flowers.
-*-
More time than I wanted to think about passed. Dukat seemed almost content with this life. He found excitement where he could. His enthusiasm for spoiling me never died. And I struggled.
He sat down with me one evening. It seemed as if my sickness wasn’t as well-hidden as I’d wanted it to be. “What’s wrong?” he asked. I smiled and shook my head. He held my chin gently.
“I’m just…it’s nothing. You know I have difficulties with…feeling right. That’s all it is.”
“Is there anything I can do to make it better?” Tears brimmed as I made a choice.
“Remember those flowers you bought me? The Vedek’s Stars? I really liked those. If…if you’re able to…I would…”
“Consider it done,” he smiled. “But I can do better than flowers. Surely there is something else I could do for you?” I smiled, hands clasped in my lap.
“Just this is fine.”
He always wanted to do more for me than ‘just this’, but ‘more’ is something I would never ask for, no matter how used to him I became. He made all sorts of gestures to soothe my tired spirit and, though he didn’t deserve it, I pretended to feel better to placate him. He always made himself seem so pleased to lift my mood. He was very adept at making me feel privately guilty.
Gul Dukat bought me the flowers like he promised. I spent a couple nights looking at them. Thinking of my death. Thinking of sharing my death. I couldn’t say why I wanted to take him with me. Though that is one desire the others would understand. I didn’t feel angry. It was just this urge to destroy everything related to my sickness: both the cause and the effect. I couldn’t explain why, just as I couldn’t explain most of my other secret thoughts.
But I had done my duty. I had held out this long. One evening, while I was alone waiting for his return, I crushed the petals into a paste. I had failed before, but this time I wouldn’t. I poured two glasses of kanar. And this time, both of us will go together.
I stirred the paste into one glass and as I tipped towards the second, I paused. I remembered how he was with Ziyal, how much she admired and adored him. She had no one in the world but him, no family. I remembered his smile for her, how well he talked of her. I thought of all his sacrifice for her. If he died…she’d be devastated. Finally meeting her father and having a family again after all this time. He’d given everything up for her. He’d come back for me—selfish or not. I closed my eyes. I couldn’t take him away from her. Tears spilled over. I wasn’t a murderer. What was I thinking? I wept into my hands, no idea what had gotten into me.
I poured the rest of the paste into the same cup and stowed it away. I poured a another, untainted glass. When Dukat came we ate and drank together. As I thought over my plan, made certain I was sure, and as the conversation cooled, I asked, “When we go to bed, can you just hold me?” I knew he’d know I was feeling down again. He’d provide comfort as he always did. But he wouldn’t know this would be the last time. That in the morning, he’d be alone.
After his breathing evened, I slid from his arms and eased the bedside table drawer open. I stirred the glass that contained my final escape and gazed down at it, listening to Dukat’s slow, quiet breathing behind me. I held Quark and Garak in my thoughts. I remembered the faces of Dr. Bashir and Commander Sisko. I closed my eyes and remembered my family. I remembered my hopes for the future and wondered how it could have all gone so wrong on no one’s account but my own. How is it I could have been too cowardly and too broken for freedom? I looked down through the darkness at the glass I couldn’t quite see in my hand. I had never had a chance at being free. Tears welled over my lashes and I lifted the glass to my lips.
My wings had been clipped. I could never fly again. Though I might be released, I could never take to the skies and soar through the bright blue, I could never engage in an aerial dance with my kin, I could never fully fend for myself. I was dependent forever on the hands that stole my freedom. They could never give it back. They could only care for the made-captive. I was forced to love those hands for I could not fly on my own. And though I was cage-bound, I didn’t want to be. My spirit had withered, and I didn’t want to be anymore. I wanted to take flight to the Celestial Temple where maybe I could feel free as I was meant to be.
I swallowed and set the glass down before moving silently to the console to send one final message.
I settled back into his arms heart thudding in my chest. I was afraid. I pressed my face against the warmth of his chest. I tentatively brought a hand up and rested it on him, eyes closed. The tears were warm as they brimmed over. I sniffled. I already felt as if I was losing circulation in my limbs, heavy and tingly. Dukat turned on his side, one arm pulling me close. I clenched my teeth, gripping his shirt, reveling in the last comforting touch I’d experience, for once, letting go of the guilt, knowing soon it wouldn’t matter. I’d allow myself this small peace of buying fully into the delusion.
I breathed evenly and tried to fall asleep before I could feel myself slip even farther away from the world. Hopefully this time no one could stop it. Hopefully, this time, I’d achieve the freedom I had dreamed of.
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Occupation of the Mind