SAVING GRACES

Ok, Olivia and Bobby hijacked this story and took it away from me.



CHAPTER 16



Olivia stretched and yawned; her body offered several protests to the moves. “Alex and Elliott may be right,” she thought. “I should get more sleep in a real bed and not grab minutes on a couch.” She sat up and realized that light crept in the room’s window. “Morning,” she thought. “It’s morning.” She glanced at Bobby’s sleeping form. He stirred slightly, and his long eyelashes fluttered, but he was asleep. Olivia looked at the clock and then at Bobby. He’d slept for at least four uninterrupted hours, and she almost cried with gratitude. There had been several terrifying nights since the pneumonia took Bobby; he was so weak that the infection ravaged his body, and at one point he was again on a ventilator. He drifted in and out of a terrible delirium for several days and nights, occasionally twisting and turning so violently that the doctors feared they might have to restrain him. Fortunately, a gentle touch from Alex or especially Olivia managed to calm him. His body finally rallied, and his fever broke so quickly one evening that Alex, who sat with him at the time, thought he might get chilled. After several days and some aggravation, the doctors eventually agreed to release Bobby, but only after extracting promises from the patient and his friends that he would take it easy and they would keep watch over him. “He’ll be less miserable at home…or at least I hope he will,” Dr. Wang told Olivia and Alex. “And maybe sleep better in his own bed.”



In spite of the demands of the Bertelli case, there were plenty of volunteers to stay with Bobby. All welcomed the opportunity to offer something to the cop who broke the case and saved Michael Flynn, and several confessed Bobby’s apartment was a refuge from the case. Munch dryly commented that Bobby’s selection of books was a major reason for his commitment, but when Olivia arrived to take over a shift from the dour detective she found Munch seated next to Bobby’s bed. In the two days he’d been home, Bobby was clear in his thoughts and speech, although terribly exhausted and tired. He slept for only short periods, frequently fighting horrible dreams. He was never alone to fight these battles; although they were both back at work on the Bertelli case, Alex or Olivia stayed through the night. In addition to Munch, Elliott or Huang or Fin filled several shifts, and even Captains Don Cragen and Danny Ross appeared to take a watch.



Olivia stretched again. The fact that Bobby managed several hours of good and uninterrupted sleep was the best and biggest of several positive steps. “Gave me a good rest, too,” Olivia thought gratefully.



Bobby stirred restlessly, and Olivia gently brushed his curls. He blinked, stared around in confusion for several seconds, and smiled when he saw her.



“Hey.” His voice was still weak, but clear.



“Hey,” she answered. “Good morning, sleepyhead.”



He turned toward the window and blinked again. “Morning?”



“Yea,” Olivia said. “You slept for at least four hours straight.”



“Wow,” Bobby said as he carefully sat up. “Some kind of record. Do I win anything?”



“My undying gratitude and affection,” Olivia said.



She helped him to the bathroom. He’d finally stopped protesting her assistance at the end of his first day home. When he returned to his bed, Bobby found a cup of coffee waiting for him.



“Be careful,” Olivia warned him. “It’s high octane.”



Bobby sipped the dark beverage. “Oh…good…now you’ll get to see more of my real personality. I really need the caffeine for it to come out.”



Olivia sat her own cup on the shelf near his bed. “I’m just glad you like the really strong stuff…Liking weak coffee is a real turn off…”



He smiled at her and sat his cup near hers. Impulsively, Olivia brushed her lips across his forehead. Equally impulsively, Bobby reached to touch her hair. Warmth flooded through and around them. Stunned, Bobby pulled away, but Olivia gently held him.



“I’m not hurting you, am I,” she asked.



“No…No…but…”



“Bobby…I kissed you…” She smiled at him. “I…I wouldn’t mind…if you kissed me back…”



His mind reeled, but before his guilt and fear took control, the part of his brain yelling, “Kiss her, idiot!” gained strength. His hand found the back of Olivia’s head and guided her to him. She expected him to kiss her on the lips, but he tenderly brushed his lip over the spot between her eyebrows.



“Lovely…beautiful…good…Olivia…” he murmured.



Olivia trembled. His days in the hospital led Olivia to forget how big and powerful Bobby was. He was still weak, but as he held her she was reminded of his size and potential strength.



“Hey,” his voice rumbled in her ear. “You ok?”



“Yea.” Her face brushed against his cheek, and she thrilled to the feel of his stubble. “You’re just a little overwhelming.”



“Really.” He turned her face to his and kissed her lips. Olivia pressed her lips against his, and they truly kissed for the first time. If the need for oxygen hadn’t become so strong, the kiss might have lasted for hours. When they finally, reluctantly separated, both Olivia and Bobby gasped.



“Wow,” a befuddled Olivia said. “Alex is right…You’re a great kisser…”



She flushed the minute she said it. Puzzled, Bobby stared at her and then started to laugh. Olivia realized she’d never heard him laugh, certainly not this warm, full, gentle laugh that seemed to start somewhere deep in his belly and radiate outwards. It was a very nice sound, and she hoped she would hear it a lot.



“So,” he said ruefully. “Alex told you about our wild, romantic evening?”



“I’m sorry…I wasn’t thinking…Like I said…I was overwhelmed. Alex…Alex wanted me to know that there wasn’t anything…She was trying to explain what was between you…and…” Olivia shrugged. “I’m not explaining this well.”



“I’m not sure there’s a way to explain Eames and me,” Bobby said quietly. “I’m just glad it is.” He shook his head. “That night…one of the sillier nights of my life. It shouldn’t have happened at all…” He grew serious. “I respect her…She’s a great cop…A great person…I respect them both…It’s important that you know that about us…”



“I understand…I think…” Olivia responded. She sat tentatively beside Bobby on the bed. “Alex said nothing happened…and she told me about how you’ve helped her in the past year…” She hesitated, uncertain of how to address the terrible events that swept Alex and Bobby in the past year.



“That…that was my fault…I…It’s never been that I don’t think she’s attractive…I did…I do…and…and I care for her…” He struggled to clear his thoughts and his words. “This is so weird…Talking about this with you…But it seems right at the same time…Eames and I…It’s so complicated…It’s not like anything I’ve ever known…”



“Yea,” Olivia agreed. “It’s not simple with Elliott and me. But it…it works, most of the time…And it’s wonderful, most of the time.” She reached to touch his cheek; Bobby reached for her and pulled down in his arms.



“Olivia,” he said in wonder after several moments. “I think…in spite of everything…I think…I…I may be happy…”



A great, bittersweet lump rose in her throat; Bobby clearly hadn’t experienced much happiness recently, and probably not much in his life. “And I’m the reason he thinks he has it now,” Olivia thought and shivered.



“Olivia…Are you all right?”



“Yea…just…” She studied him for a moment, carefully resting her head on her arms on his chest. “Honesty,” she thought. “It’s the only way…the only thing…I know…” She touched his cheek. “It’s…It seems you haven’t had a lot of happiness, Bobby.”



He stared at a point above her head. “Well…the job…you know…”



“But…” She moved cautiously into dangerous territory. “I…I get the idea with you…and maybe with me…It’s more than the job.”



He continued to stare at the point above her head. Bobby sensed that his only option, like Olivia, was honesty. And he knew it could destroy them. “I…I…” He hated that he was about to cause her pain. “I know…I have a good idea that you’ve had a lot of pain and it doesn’t have anything to do with the job.”



“I don’t know,” Olivia said, grateful and afraid of the trust Bobby showed her. “The job’s been everything to me for so long.” She became aware of his thumb caressing the back of her hand. “That sounds so pathetic.” She shook her head. “And I don’t think my life is pathetic at all.”



“You have work that you love,” Bobby said, grateful that he could say something true and consoling. “That you do well…That helps people…You’ve probably heard the saying…What you need for a good life…one with meaning…Is work you love and is of value to others…”



“It seems to me,” she said softly. “There’s something else that makes a good life.”



He stared at their hands.



“That,” she continued. “You need to love…and be loved by…someone.” She hugged him as tightly as she dared. “And…and I think I love you.”



“You may…” Bobby started to say after a moment, but the words choked in his throat. “Olivia,” he said desperately. “There’s so much wrong with me…”



“There’s a lot not right with me,” she answered, stunned by the confidence in her voice.



“I…I care about you…and…” He ran a hand through his hair. “I’m afraid…so afraid…that I’ll hurt you.”



“Or is it that you’re afraid that you’ll get hurt?” Olivia asked gently.



“I…I expect,” he whispered. “I…” He dropped his head into his hands.



“Bobby.” Olivia struggled to find the words to comfort him. “I…I care about you too…I’m afraid I’ll hurt you…” She swallowed. “I’m not sure who I am either…”



It was there, now, standing in the room. The thing that Olivia thought, that Bobby knew, could destroy them.



“It’s…I keep thinking…having dreams…when I was sick…” Olivia watched as he disappeared inside his head. “It…It makes sense…Why the man I thought was my father…treated me so…I…after a while I was just glad when he ignored me…If he knew…If he thought I wasn’t his…”



Olivia clung to him. “What should I do?” she thought. “Should I make him stop?”



“And my Mom…my Mom…” He broke Olivia’s heart. “She…she always wanted my brother…Even when I…I took care of her…I brought her things…but…her last birthday…I…She never opened the present I gave her…I found it with her things…”



Olivia’s heart shattered. “Oh, Bobby…”



“But…but if…What if she looked at me…Every time she saw me…What if she saw the man who…Who hurt her…Who raped her?”



Olivia tried to hug him, but Bobby stiffened and pulled away from her.



“She…she was sick…the schizophrenia…before…” he muttered, and Olivia wondered if he was still aware of her presence. “But…it wasn’t…bad…but…after he hurt her…It got worse…and worse…schizophrenia…it…stress can trigger it…make it worse…When he hurt her…I’m sure…It set off a bad episode…And then…What if…I was a constant reminder…and that…created more stress…and that made it worse? What if…what if…I…I…made her sick?” He shook, and Olivia saw tears in his eyes.



“Bobby.” She took his face in her hands and turned it to look at her. She struggled to find something to say to him, to console him. She grabbed the only thing she could find. “My mother,” Olivia said, her voice shaking. “My mother told me…”



Bobby stared at her; he never hated himself as much as he did at this moment. He was hurting Olivia.



“She told me once,” Olivia continued. “That she hated…hated what happened…But she never hated me…She loved me…In spite of everything, she loved me…And I always believed that…Even when she was drunk…I always believed that she loved me…And I’m me…I’m not just what my parents gave me…I made choices that made me what I am…”



Bobby stared at the intertwined hands. “I…I don’t know…I’m not as strong as you…And my Mom…I don’t know if she ever…But…” Olivia knew he was far away again. “The last time…She…She was glad I was there…and there…there were other times…but…but she…I don’t remember…I can’t remember…My Mom telling me that she loved me…” His head fell again into his hand. “God, how pathetic is that…I’m not some kid…I’m a grown man…” He raised his head; his cheeks glistened with tears. “I…I’m sorry, Olivia…This…This must be so horrible for you…”



“It’s horrible for you.” She wrapped her arms around him, desperately hoping he wouldn’t pull away. “I never knew your Mom…I only know you…But I can’t imagine anyone who had anything to do with you not loving what and who you are.”



He shook violently. “I…I’m so tired…Oh…” He fell into her arms, and she held him as he sobbed.



END CHAPTER 16