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Infatuation	By : Ridgley-Warfield Category: M through R > MASH > MASH Views: 2024 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own MASH or the characters. I make no profit from this story.

Chapter List
- 15
- 16
- 17
Title: Infatuation
Characters: Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce/ Father John Patrick "Dago Red" Mulcahy
Rating: M for Sexual Content/Language
Summary: There's a difference between seeing someone and noticing them.
Author's Note: Based on the characters from the book/movie. This is Mulcahy's POV. Please ignore any typos. I don't always catch them all. Thanks for reading.

Sunlight was streaming in through the curtains over the window in the room I was occupying, seeming to hit me right in the eyes no matter which way I turned, and I finally gave up on sleep. I picked up my watch from the nightstand, squinting tiredly at the hands on the face and discovering that it was about 9:30. I remembered Hawkeye had said they would be 'sleeping in' but I wasn't really sure what that meant here. In Korea, 'sleeping in' had no real correlation to actual time.
Rather than sit in the room wondering when they would all wake up, I decided to get dressed and, if nothing else, smoke a cigarette. Being here with Hawkeye was much more nerve-wracking than I'd originally anticipated. I wasn't sure what I had expected as far as the reception I might receive from his wife, but the invitation to openly display my affection for Hawkeye had never crossed my mind…nor had her obvious interest of seeing us together.
While I appreciated her acceptance, I couldn't bring myself to take her up on the offer.
As I ventured out, I was surprised to find Mary sitting in the living room darning a pile of socks. The bassinette was set up in front of her on some type of rocker, which Mary was moving with her foot to rock the baby. She looked up as I entered the room and smiled prettily at me.
"Good morning, John. Sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you. How are you, Mary?"
"Oh, just fine. Benji came over and stole Hawkeye and the boys for a while, so I hope you don't mind being abandoned with me."
My stomach roiled nervously. "No…that's okay. Is…uh…there anything I can do for you?"
"You're a guest, John; just relax." She cast her eyes over at me as I sat in an arm chair, her lips quirking up in a smirk. "I think you looked better in Hawkeye's clothes."
I looked down at my black trousers and the only pullover I owned—a two-toned green thing that was vaguely reminiscent of the G.I. olive drab color used by the army. "Oh…well, I think I mentioned that I don't own a lot of casual clothes."
"Hawkeye's got plenty; go raid his closet. Or at least put on the jeans you wore yesterday. They looked nice on you."
I got up, excusing myself, and went to put on the jeans as requested. Jeans were certainly far more casual than anything I owned, but I had to admit that they were quite comfortable to wear. I threaded a belt through the belt loops, trying to at least look a little more presentable than like a total greaser, and returned to the living room.
"Much better." She grinned. "As far as I'm concerned, you can keep those. Hawkeye can make a 3 piece suit look informal; he doesn't need to wear jeans."
I laughed quietly in agreement. "That's the truth."
"So, John, can I ask you something a little personal?"
The knots in my stomach cinched a little tighter. "Um…sure. I suppose."
"Not that personal," she said with a wink. "I was just curious why someone like you might be attracted to someone like Hawkeye. We both know he's just about the most uncouth individual in the world, and you're completely the opposite . You couldn't be more opposite really."
I could feel my ears turning red, and I suddenly wanted to be anywhere but there. "I…uh…I'm not sure I can talk about this with you, Mary."
"Why not? If anyone would understand your attraction for him, I think it would be me, right? I am married to that oaf, after all."
"Exactly," I said guiltily. "You're married to him."
"Yes, and as his wife I'm asking you why you're attracted to my husband."
I'll hand it to her…she certainly knew how to strike to make me feel obligated to answer her. I sighed in resignation, knowing there was no use arguing. "I honestly don't know. He's just a very likeable person. Friendly and funny, kindhearted, confident…He seems to be very complex even though he doesn't intend to be. I called him an enigma once."
She laughed softly, then spoke thoughtfully. "I think he's different with you than he's ever been with me."
"How so?"
"He's very…well…loving is the only word to describe it really. He's never been the kind of man who said 'I love you' without any real reason for it. He's a very caring person, obviously, and I love him deeply, but there's a tenderness he shows you that I've never seen."
My guilt intensified.
"Don't get me wrong, he is tender with me, but there's always that layer of sarcasm, always a joke on hand. He couldn't be serious if his life depended on it. By now that's normal to me, that's Hawkeye, and I've learned to just give as good as I get with him—which is why he and I work so well together. But I love watching him with you…it's just very sweet. And I love how much you care for him. The way you look at him…like he's the most precious thing in the world to you…"
My blush was deepening more and more with every word and I looked down at the floor in complete embarrassment. "How can you be alright with this, Mary?"
"Because I know Hawkeye, and I trust him; and I love him. He would never do anything to intentionally hurt me or the kids in any way, and I know he never meant for this kind of thing to happen. Plus, the more he told me about you, the more I came to like you myself, and I'd never even met you. You just seemed so wonderful, and now that I have met you, I see that you really are. You're a gem, John; truly."
I wasn't sure what an appropriate response was at this point. It seemed a little belated to apologize to her for committing adultery with her husband, and it was certainly inappropriate to thank her for allowing this to continue. Luckily, she filled the silence seamlessly.
"So it wasn't his looks that first attracted you?"
I blushed. "No. I've always been able to appreciate the aesthetic appearance of both men and women without feeling desire for them; Hawkeye wasn't really an exception. Though once I realized my feelings, I appreciated his looks a bit more."
"I've heard Hawkeye's version of when you both figured out you liked each other, what's your story?"
"I…" I couldn't tell her that without giving her background details that involved Danny, and I wasn't sure we were on that level of camaraderie just yet. She looked up from the sock in her hand at my hesitation. "It was just really sudden. The way he touched me one day. It was all completely innocent really."
She smiled and looked back at her sock. "I must be shallow. What attracted me to Hawkeye was his looks. And it didn't hurt that he was captain of the football team. His friend Me Lay had the biggest crush on me in high school and he always kept asking me out, but I really wanted Hawkeye to ask me out. Me Lay ended up asking me to the prom and when I turned him down, he told Hawkeye to ask me to see if it was just him I wouldn't go out with. Hawkeye, of course, had no idea how much I liked him and I'm not sure he really even wanted to go to prom with me, but when I said yes, he knew he was stuck. I think prom night was the night he fell in love with me, though. My mom spent a whole week making me this beautiful dress and she took me to the beauty shop to get my hair curled. I felt like a princess, and every girl in school was talking about how Hawkeye had asked me to prom. It was just such a magical night for me. He didn't even pull one prank that night, if you can believe it."
I found myself completely enchanted with her story, glad that they two of them had been together for so long, though still feeling the underlying guilt that I was stumbling block in their marriage. "I'm assuming that 'Me Lay' isn't his real name?"
She laughed. "No, his name is Ezekiel Marston. He got the nickname 'Me Lay' because anytime he was trying to flirt with a girl, he would say 'Me Lay, You Lay.' So, whenever a group of girls would see him someone would say, 'Look out, here comes 'Me Lay' Marston.' It just kind of stuck.
I laughed at the story and for a moment we lapsed into silence.
"Where did 'Dago Red' come from?" Mary asked curiously. "Hawkeye just said it was a name you picked up in seminary."
"Oh, yes… I was in seminary during the years of the Depression, and to try and save on expenses, the church started to use Dago Red wine for the Eucharist. One day when I was asked to help present Mass, I was incredibly nervous because—of course—I'd never done it before. My friend…" My throat closed as I tried to say Danny's name and I suddenly felt choked with emotion, remembering that my friend was now lost to me forever. The grief threatened to swallow me and I continued the story on a more somber note. "My friend, Danny, was trying to help me relax so he told me to drink some of the wine. If you've never had Dago Red wine, you don't know how incredibly potent it can be. I quickly became so drunk that Danny had to tell everyone I'd taken ill. He was the one who gave me the nickname as a teasing reminder of that day."
"He's the one that passed away, isn't he?" Her voice was soft and kind.
I nodded. "He was killed in the Philippines shortly before we were to be released from the army."
"I'm so sorry, John."
I closed my eyes, trying to will away the thoughts of what his last moments must have been like. The memory of Danny suddenly made me feel very melancholy and I found myself thinking about the last time I'd seen him. Not for the first time, I wondered what I might have done differently if I'd known I would never see him again. Seeing how much he'd changed over the course of the war had made me look forward to rekindling our friendship again, but now I'd never have that chance. As Hawkeye had told me, though, at least we were able to make amends before he died.
It occurred to me that I could have been sent to the Philippines rather than Danny. I could have been the one who'd been killed. If that had been the case, would Hawkeye have ever known? Would he think I'd simply lost touch? How would he react when he found out? How would I react if something happened to him? Death had a tendency of making the living appreciate life a little more. It reminded us how precious time with loved ones was.
I looked up at Mary, "Are you sure you'd rather stay here than go back to New Jersey with him? He's been home less than a year…"
"I know," she said with a sad little smile. "But during the week, there really wasn't much time we got to spend together anyways. The hospital shifts are long and he comes home dog tired. The apartment is too small for all of us and I can't bring myself to raise a baby in that slum. We'll see each other on the weekends and in a year and a half he'll be back here. The kids will be happier here. I'll be happier here. I was so depressed in that apartment, even being with Hawkeye. We had no friends, no family…"
There was another lapse in conversation as we were both wrapped up in our own thoughts.
"John…what do you intend to do now? How long will you stay with him?"
"I don't know quite yet," I admitted. "I'm using this time to figure that out. I had thought about doing missionary work again, but the thought of being overseas again, of starting all over again…I'm not sure my heart is where it needs to be right now. This year has been a real test of my faith. I just don't feel…needed."
"If there's anything I can do to help…"
"Thank you. I appreciate it."
"If you makes you feel better, I think Hawkeye needs you more than anyone right now. He's missed you."
"I've missed him, too…"
It was early afternoon before Hawkeye and his boys returned home, and Mary busied herself in the kitchen to make them a late lunch. Hawkeye had taken to lying on the couch, kicking his feet up as he looked at me tiredly.
"How's your day been, baby?"
"Good. We've just mostly talked."
"I'm sorry I left you alone all day. Dad wanted to go into Portland to look at some fishing rig."
"It's alright. I'm glad you're back, but Mary and I were getting along just fine."
"Oh yeah? Feeling a little less uneasy?"
"I think so. Just don't start trying to…you know…do stuff with me around her."
He laughed loudly. "So you're not over that part of it then?"
I blushed. "No. It still feels inappropriate."
He laughed again. "Okay, I'll keep my hands and lips to myself for now.
After lunch, Hawkeye and I took the boys into town to a park where children and adults alike were skating on the surface of a frozen pond. Some people had ice skates, others just their regular shoes or snow boots. We found an unoccupied bench to sit on while the boys went out on the ice, and Hawkeye sat a little closer than necessary on such a long bench…not that I truly minded.
"Crabapple Cove really is a sleepy little town, isn't it?" I commented as we watched the people on the pond.
"Finest kind." Hawkeye smiled. "What do you think of it?"
"Other than being a little too cold and a little too much snow on the ground, it's nice. I'm sure it's quite beautiful when the seasons change. San Diego doesn't really have any true seasons. The weather stays pretty consistent year round, though we do have the 'May Gray' and the 'June Gloom' when the fog rolls in and stays for those two months. I never really even saw snow until I went to seminary."
"That sounds depressing."
I laughed. "It wasn't so bad. The ocean was right there, but I never spent much time on the beach. I'm actually a little afraid of the water."
"Why? Can't you swim?"
"Oh, sure, I love to swim…in swimming pools, but not so much in lakes, rivers or oceans where I can't see the bottom or know that there are creatures bigger than me who might like to snack on me."
Hawkeye roared with laughter. "Sharks? You're afraid of sharks?"
I shrugged.
"Baby, how many people do you know who have ever been eaten by a shark?"
"Well…none…but, I'd rather not take my chances."
He was still laughing and shaking his head at me. "For someone who's been followed by a demon half his life, sharks seem like a silly fear."
"We all have fears, Hawkeye, some may seem silly or irrational to others, but that doesn't make them less real to the person who's afraid."
"I don't have any fears."
"I find that hard to believe. Everyone is afraid of something."
He thought long and hard for a minute. "I think the only thing I'm afraid of is failure. Failing at being a doctor, saving someone's life; failing at being a good father, a good lover."
"I don't think your wife and children have any complaints about that."
He looked at me with burning curiosity. "What about you?"
I felt my cheeks go warm as I blushed. "I'm the last person who would ever consider you a failure, Hawkeye. In any respect."
He looked like he wanted to kiss me, but being in the middle of a crowded park stayed him from doing so. He settled for resting his hand on the back of my neck as he looked back out at the pond. "Have you ever ice skated, Dago?"
"No."
"Jesus, haven't you ever done anything fun? Come on…" he stood up and grabbed my hand, pulling me to my feet. "Today you're learning how to ice skate."
I laughed softly, but let him pull me out towards the edge of the pond. He stepped from the snow to the ice and turned to face me, taking my other hand. A few people standing around the edge were giving us funny looks and I felt wholly embarrassed. Hawkeye just looked at them. "First timer."
They laughed, seeming to accept this as good enough reason for him to be holding my hands, and Hawkeye refocused his attention on me. "It's a little slick, so just step out carefully."
I tentatively put one foot on the ice and almost immediately felt it slipping out from under me. I overcorrected to keep my balance and slid into Hawkeye, whose hands tightened on mine, one arm going around me to keep me from falling. He and several others who were still watching laughed, deepening my embarrassment.
"Told you," he grinned, slowly removing his arm from around me. I moved a little more slowly and a little more stiffly as I grew accustomed to sliding on the ice beneath my feet. Hawkeye held onto my hands, sliding along backwards as I shuffled my feet forward, staring down at them. He laughed softly. "Dago, stop looking at your feet."
I looked up at him, but kept glancing down at the ice every few steps, making him laugh harder. After a few minutes he let go of my hands and turned back around, moving along the ice next to me with far more grace than I was. When my feet nearly slipped out from under me a second time, I reached over and grabbed his arm to steady myself but ended up throwing him off balance and we both started slipping. Hawkeye's foot found an exceptionally slippery part of the ice and he fell hard on the ice, dragging me down with him.
Hawkeye was laying on his back, laughing gaily, and obviously not bothered by the fall, but I could feel the wetness of the ice bleeding through my jeans, making me cold and wet. I carefully pushed myself back on my feet, regaining my balance, but not offering my hand to Hawkeye, least I get pulled down again. He grinned up at me. "This is a little easier with ice skates."
"I'll take your word for it." I said, trying to stay completely still as Hawkeye got to his feet effortlessly. Tommy and Charlie skated up to us; with Charlie sliding on his knees straight into my leg, making me lose my balance once again and I nearly fell on top of the poor child, but twisted myself around so that I somehow managed to land beside him instead.
"Geez, Charlie, what's the matter with you!" Hawkeye jerked Charlie to his feet, then looked back at me, offering me his hand. "You okay, Dago?"
"I don't think I'll be asked to join the Ice Capades any time soon." I said as he pulled me back to my feet.
He laughed softly, brushing ice off of me. "Anything broken or bruised?"
"Just my pride."
Charlie apologized for knocking me down, then the two boys skated off again as Hawkeye and I continued even more slowly around the edge of the ice. My earlier conversation with Mary filtered to the top of my thoughts and I glanced over at Hawkeye.
"Hey, Hawk…? How long do you want me to stay with you in New Jersey?"
"As long as you want," he said, shrugging a little as he put his hands in his pocket. "I'd be okay if you never left."
"Well, that might get a little strange when you finish your residency and return home permanently. As accommodating as your wife is, I'm not sure she could handle a live-in lover. I'm not sure I could handle that."
He sighed softly, "How long do you want to stay?"
"At least until I figure out where to go from here."
He was quiet for a long minute. "What happens to us when you figure out what to do?"
"I don't know." I admitted in a hushed voice.
Hawkeye and I were both very quiet from that point on for the rest of the day. He looked moody and sullen during dinner, which Mary noticed but didn't comment on. None of us spoke as we sat in the living room watching the television, but Hawkeye had poured us both a drink without asking if I wanted one.
I knew I had upset him with all my unknowns, but I needed to know what his expectations for the future were. I didn't want to find myself overstaying my welcome, or have him feel like I was a freeloader. I should have known, though, that Hawkeye's expectations would have been unrealistic. Even if Mary was comfortable with a permanent arrangement between the three of us, I wasn't. I felt as though I was already subjecting his children to perversion, even though I would never allow myself or Hawkeye to display any affection in front of them, but I'd brought this sin into their house. And I certainly didn't want his daughter growing up wondering why her daddy sometimes shared a bed with another man. No, it simply wasn't an option.
The biggest question still remained: What happened to us after I made up my mind and left Crabapple Cove? I think, despite however much we both still loved each other, Hawkeye and I both feared that once I left, our relationship would suffer. Even if we managed to see each other a couple of times a year, would that be enough to sustain either of us?
After several hours of silence filled only with the sound from the television, Mary told the boys to go to their room and play for a while before bed; that the grown-ups needed to talk. They obeyed without complaint, obviously feeling the tension in the room like the rest of us. Once we were alone, Mary looked from me to Hawkeye and back again.
"Alright, you two, what's happened? You haven't spoken nary a word to each other since you got home."
"Some of us aren't Chatty Cathie's like you women-folk." Hawkeye said, draining his whiskey before he got up, grabbed his coat and went outside.
Mary gave me an exasperated look, obviously looking to me for an explanation.
"I asked him what his expectations were for me staying in New Jersey—how long he wanted me there—and he mentioned that he didn't care if I stuck around permanently. When I told him that wasn't an option, he asked what would happen to us once I did move on and figure out what to do next and I told him I didn't know. I suppose he didn't care much for that answer."
"No, I don't suppose he did." Mary agreed, sighing softly.
"I should probably go out and try and talk to him, figure something out with him."
Mary nodded. "I'll go feed the baby and put the boys to bed. Don't let him sucker you, John."
I laughed softly, "I'll do my best."
I slipped my shoes on, grabbed my coat and followed Hawkeye's trail out the door, seeing his footprints in the snow leading down towards the water. Though it was dark, the snow was glistening brightly in the moonlight, providing me with enough illumination to see where I was going. Hawkeye was laying on his back in the snow bank, looking up at the sky as he smoked a cigarette and I moved to sit next to him.
"Penny." I said softly, taking his hand in mine.
"I don't want you to go." He said, squeezing my hand.
"I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, Hawkeye. I promise."
"Yeah, but eventually you will, Dago."
"That's true; eventually I will, but I'm not in any hurry. And it doesn't mean we have to let it ruin the time we've got together now."
"Yeah…I know. I just hate thinking about it, and now that it's out there in the open I can't stop thinking about it and I just…I don't want you to go."
I leaned down and gently pressed my lips to his, kissing him softly. "Still thinking about it?"
"Yes." He sulked.
I kissed him again, this time a little deeper and a little longer. "How about now?"
"Starting not to," he murmured less sulkily, smashing his cigarette out in the snow and reaching up to lightly grasp the back of my head and pull me down to his lips again. His other arm encircled my waist, drawing me close to him as he effortlessly laid me on my back and rolled himself on top of me. The snow was cold and wet beneath me and I shivered as it seeped through my clothes, though his warm breath felt good across my face. We took turns sucking each other's tongues and lips sensually, mimicking what we might do to each other on other parts of our bodies.
I was breathless with arousal, but chilled to the bone from the cold. "Hawkeye, I'm going to freeze to death."
"No you won't," he said, kissing my neck. "You would start out with a little frost nip on your extremities—fingers, toes, tip of your nose and any other exposed skin. Then it goes into a second-degree stage of frost bite when the skin freezes and blisters start to appear. That usually happens after a couple of days of prolonged exposure to cold, when the blood vessels start to freeze. After that, your muscles and nerves and tendons will start to freeze…but it would still take a while for you to die from exposure. And I have no intention of us staying out here long enough for any of that to happen."
Oddly enough, as he described the process of freezing to death, his hand had managed to undo my pants and I found myself almost complete aroused. He brought his hand to his mouth and breathed into it, warming his skin before his lips found mine and his hand slipped into the front of my pants. I gasped into his mouth as his fingertips were still extraordinarily cold, but he began to rub my erection, making me quickly forget any temporary discomfort.
I suddenly remembered what Mary had said the night before about having sexual fantasies of making love in the snow and I couldn't help but laugh, even as I blushed, at the irony that I was living out her fantasy.
"What are you laughing at?" Hawkeye asked, raking his teeth across my ear lobe.
I shivered in pleasure, "Have you ever made love to Mary in the snow?"
"No," he answered, sounding surprised by my question. "Why?"
"She's the one with the snow fantasy; this should be her instead of me."
"Are you offering to make her dream come true?" He teased, his hand still wrapped around my erection, pumping up and down rhythmically.
"I'll leave that in your capable hands."
He laughed softly and reclaimed my lips, squeezing me a little tighter and jerking me a little faster. I closed my eyes, kissing Hawkeye deeply and holding onto him as I let him stroke me to completion.
With so much stimuli around me—the chill of the wind, the bite of the snow, the warmth of his hand, the taste of his kiss—my synapses were in overdrive and it was all filtering into my pleasure center. It didn't take exceptionally long for me to climax. I broke away from his lips, crying out at the onset of my orgasm.
"Yeah, that's it, baby…" Hawkeye murmured against my ear. "I love making you cum."
I shuddered as I finished and he carefully extracted his hand, wiping it on the leg of my jeans. "Ugh! Hawkeye…"
He laughed. "What? It's your mess. And they're my jeans, so we're even."
"Actually, Mary told me to keep these."
"Oh, she did, did she?"
"She did," I nodded, doing up my pants and sitting up next to him. "She told me to 'raid your closet' as well, but I didn't do that."
He smiled as he looked at me and drew me into a kiss. "Come on, let's get back to the house. Now that you've made such a mess, you'll need some more clothes. Plus, you've been wearing those pants for a couple of days now."
I laughed and we got to our feet. Hawkeye took hold of my hand as we walked back to the house and I smiled softly, enjoying the feel of walking hand-in-hand with him without the fear of being seen. He pulled me into a lasting kiss as we reached the porch, knowing that I wouldn't let him do so once we crossed the threshold.
Hawkeye took me into his bedroom and instructed me to sit on the bed. I looked at it uncomfortably, but gingerly sat on the edge and watched him rummage through his closet. Whenever he found an article of clothing, he tossed it back at me and I laid it next to me on the bed.
Mary joined us a few minutes later, placing the sleeping baby in the bassinette next to her side of the bed and announcing to Hawkeye that the boys were down for the night.
"Thanks," he told her as she moved to the closet, looking over his shoulder.
"What are you doing?"
"Picking out some clothes for Dago since you told him to raid my closet."
She grinned over at me and I blushed. "Well, get out of the way and let me pick some things. If I leave it completely up to you, he's only going to end up with sweatshirts and jeans."
I looked at the small pile beside me, laughing softly as—indeed—every article was either a pair of jeans or a sweatshirt.
"He needs casual clothes, doesn't he?" Hawkeye argued.
"Yes, but you don't need to make him look like a louse." She shooed him away and began picking through his clothing, finding some nice but casual chinos, a few pullovers and even a few collared polo shirts.
"Is there anything left in my closet?" Hawkeye teased.
"Please," she scoffed. "Even if you wore half of what's in there, you'd never miss any of this."
"I'm sure I don't need all of this," I said meekly as she added the rest of the clothes to my pile.
"Nah, she's right, I never wear any of that, and it probably all looks better on you anyways."
I thanked them, though they assured me it wasn't necessary and Hawkeye helped me carry the load to the guest room where I folded everything and tucked them away while he laid on the bed watching me. The phone jangled somewhere in the other room and Hawkeye listened to see if Mary would answer it, which she did on the third ring.
"I wonder who's calling this time of the night," Hawkeye said as he sat up and swung his feet over the side of the bed.
About that time Mary poked her head in through the open doorway. "Telephone's for you, Hawkeye. It's Trapper."
I knew that, regardless of the reason for Trapper's call, it would probably be a lengthy conversation between the friends, so I gathered my shower things and decided to clean up since I was still soiled from our outdoor adventure. I quickly showered and shaved, trying to leave enough hot water for whoever else needed to bathe, but held off on brushing my teeth so I could smoke one last cigarette before going to bed.
As I leaned against the porch rail, cupping my hand around the flame of my lighter to light my cigarette, Mary stepped out on the porch with me, sliding up to sit beside me on the wooden banister and taking the cigarette from between my lips, bringing it to her own.
"Sounds like Trapper and his family will be coming up tomorrow so they can be here for New Years Eve." She sighed. "I haven't the faintest idea where I'm going to put everyone."
"I can always sleep on the floor if you need my bed," I offered, knowing it would easily accommodate more than just myself.
"Oh, that's sweet of you, John, but I would feel positively awful for putting you out. Maybe I'll just send all you boys down to Big Benji's house and Evelyn and I and her girls will stay here."
"I'd certainly hate to intrude on Hawkeye's father. Really, I don't mind sleeping elsewhere."
Mary titled her head as she regarded me, brushing a lock of dark brown hair from her eyes, "Do you ever get angry or upset over anything? You're so easygoing."
I laughed softly, "Not often, but of course I do."
"Well," she said, taking another drag on my cigarette before she gently placed the butt of the cigarette between my lips again. "I think you're quite possibly the sweetest man Hawkeye's ever brought home."
I raised my eyebrows at her choice of wording and the cringing look on her face.
"Boy, that sounded wrong, didn't it?"
I couldn't help but laugh.
"I just mean, with friends like that Trapper McIntyre, and of course Me Lay Marston, it's a wonder he would ever make friends with someone normal." She looked at me curiously. "You are normal, aren't you, John?"
"I'm not sure 'normal' is the word I would apply to myself at this point."
She smiled, laughing softly. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Is Hawkeye your…first?"
"First…sexual experience?" I clarified and she nodded, looking at me with intrigue as she awaited my response. I could feel my stomach churn and my face growing hot. "Oh…uh…well…no."
Her eyes went wide with surprise. "No? Oh, John, do tell."
I gave a nervous laugh, scratching the back of my head as my blush intensified. "This...um…this really isn't a suitable conversation, Mary."
"Does Hawkeye know?"
"Yes, he knows about my past."
"Hmm…" She looked thoughtful for a minute. "Well is he your first…you know, with another man?"
"Um…" I glanced towards the door, hoping Hawkeye would come out here and save me from having this conversation with his wife, but he was nowhere in sight.
"John" Mary's hand reached out, her fingers capturing my chin and gently pulling me around to look at her. "You can trust me. I won't say anything. It must be nice to tell someone other than Hawkeye…right?"
She had a point, but I still felt wholly uneasy with this line of questioning. This was hardly a topic a priest should be engaged in, especially when said priest was sexually involved with the husband of the person asking the questions. I groaned out loud, and finally just answered her question to get this over with. "No, he's not my first…in any respect."
Again she looked surprised. "How many people have you been with before Hawkeye?"
"Just one." I sighed softly and closed my eyes, dropping my head to my chest in shame. "My friend Danny…the one who passed away."
However Mary might have been judging me in that moment, she said nothing aloud. She simply took my hand in hers and clasped it tightly, holding it to her chest and kissing the backs of my fingers. I looked up at her and thought that I saw tears glisten in her eyes for a brief second, but she tilted her head again with inquisitiveness.
"So, you've never been with a woman?"
I gently shook my head.
"Never kissed or seen one naked?"
"Uh…well, kissed, no. But I…I've seen photographs in magazines." I felt the tips of my ears burning red hot.
She laughed softly. "Pictures are hardly the same as seeing a real, live woman and touching her."
I suddenly became very aware that Mary was in her nightgown with only a robe covering her, and she was still holding my hand against her soft bosom. "I…um…suppose you're right, but I wouldn't know anything about that."
"I could show you." Her voice dipped a little lower, making my heart hammer against my chest as my discomfort intensified. She looked down shyly, before looking up at me through her long, dark lashes. "If you wanted…"
"That's really not…um…we shouldn't…I'd better—" While I babbled all of my excuses to get away at once, Mary took my cigarette, flicking it out into the snow-covered yard, and gently gripped the front of my jacket as she pulled me towards her until our lips were but mere millimeters apart.
"Kiss me, John." She whispered before closing the tiny gap between us.
I froze from head to toe, unable to react at all, but still able to feel.
Her lips were supple and delicate, her skin smooth. There was no scrape of stubble that I'd grown accustomed to when kissing Hawkeye. Her scent was honeyed and floral. Everything about her seemed to breath a softness that I had never before encountered, and I had to admit…it was quite a pleasant alteration. Though I didn't feel particularly aroused by the feel of her lips on mine, I did enjoy the tenderness, and I found myself entrapped in the desire to explore this a while longer.
I tilted my head slightly, reciprocating the affectionate embrace…however awkwardly. The kiss naturally deepened, and I was surprised when my arms gently encircled her as if they were acting on their own accord. Mary didn't seem to mind and even pulled my body more firmly against hers. I quickly became aware of the difference in fit between a man's body and woman's body, and the perspicacity of it was arousing.
Her breasts were pressed against my chest, and even through my jacket, I could feel the yielding heaviness of them. Her legs were parted on either side of me, and though she was sitting at hip-level on the banister, I could still feel how the soft curve of her body would fit neatly against the hardness of mine. It gave me a deep appreciation of God's masterful design of coupling between a man and a woman, but—even though I was quite aroused by this point—I still felt there was something lacking.
Mary's hand slowly traveled down my torso to the waistband of my pajama bottoms, toying with the drawstring tied at the front and slowing slipping the ends free. I knew where this was going, and I knew I was neither ready nor willing to take this little experimentation to the next level. I dropped my hands to hers, stilling them as I gently broke the kiss.
"I think…that's probably as far as I can take this, Mary."
She smiled sweetly at me. "It's alright, John. At least now you can say you've kissed a woman."
"Yes…I suppose that's true," I blushed, not knowing what else to say. I didn't think 'thank you' was an appropriate response. "I think perhaps I should go to bed now."
I stepped back towards the door, willing my erection away as I clasped my hands in front of me. Mary giggled softly, but not in a derisive way.
"Goodnight…John." She said my name is a sultry sort of way that made my face redden and I accidentally backed right into the screen door, forgetting where I was and where I was going.
Hawkeye was still on the phone in the living room, laying on the couch as he yammered on with Trapper and I quietly slipped past him and into the guest bedroom, closing the door and leaning against it as I considered what the hell had just happened, and trying to assess just how damned my soul truly was. I sank down to the floor, dropping my head in my hands as I mentally tallied up the facts.
Fact: I had just told Mary Peirce about my past with Danny.
Fact: I had also told her that I had no experience with women.
Fact: Mary Pierce had taken it upon herself to give me some skill in that arena.
Fact: I had thoroughly enjoyed it to the point of arousal.
Fact: She was a married woman and mother of three.
Fact: I was definitely going to hell.
If sinning with Hawkeye wasn't bad enough, I had now just committed adultery with his wife. Where had my morals gone? What was wrong with me! True, we hadn't sinned by becoming one flesh, but I don't think God was going to be splitting hairs over this one. There was no more grey area, no more room for negotiation. This was wrong. Plain and simple.
As shame washed over me, I pushed myself onto my knees and crawled over to my bag, digging through it until I found my Bible and my rosary. I closed my eyes, crossing myself, and began to pray the Apostles' Creed as I knelt on the floor.
"Credo in Deum Patrem omnipotentem, Creatorem caeli et terrae,
et in Iesum Christum, Filium Eius unicum, Dominum nostrum,
qui conceptus est de Spiritu Sancto, natus ex Maria Virgine,
passus sub Pontio Pilato, crucifixus, mortuus, et sepultus,
descendit ad ínferos, tertia die resurrexit a mortuis,
ascendit ad caelos, sedet ad dexteram Patris omnipotentis,
inde venturus est iudicare vivos et mortuos.
Credo in Spiritum Sanctum,
sanctam Ecclesiam catholicam, sanctorum communionem,
remissionem peccatorum,
carnis resurrectionem,
vitam aeternam.
Amen. (1)"
I fingered the beads in my hand, finding the first large bead in the series, and began to pray the sequence of prayers that made up the rosary.
I had managed to get through 7 of the 10 Hail Mary's on the first decade when there was a knock at my door. Familiarity told me that it was Hawkeye, and I was sorely tempted not to answer, but my voice spoke before reason could silence it.
"Come in."
The door opened and Hawkeye stepped in, confusion marring his handsome face as he saw me kneeling on the floor with my Bible and beads. He came all the way in and closed the door behind him. "Bedtime prayers?"
The question was more an invitation for me to tell him what was wrong, as he knew me well enough to know that this was a bit more than just a nightly prayer ritual. I sighed softly as he sat facing me, placing his hand over mine.
"Coming here was a bad idea, Hawkeye."
"What happened, baby? You were fine a few minutes ago."
I looked down at his hand covering mine, my face burning with shame and regret. I had no idea how to tell him what had just happened, even though I knew he'd probably be more thrilled than angry, but that wasn't the reaction I needed right now. I needed him to understand what this was doing to me, but I knew he wouldn't…
"Dago?" He prompted at my silence.
"I…" I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, then looked up and met his gaze. "I kissed Mary."
Hawkeye's eyebrows shot up nearly to his hairline as he looked at me in surprised amusement. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that; I thought I heard you say you kissed Mary."
"Hawkeye…" I sighed, disappointed that I had been right in regards to his inability to be serious in this matter.
He sobered, sensing my agitation, and moved beside me, putting his arm around me. "Tell me what happened, Dago."
"It's kind of a blur. We were talking and she started asking me questions about my past and if I'd ever been with a woman. She offered to be my first, as it were, but when I tried to tell her that I shouldn't, she grabbed me and kissed me. I should have stopped it right away, but…well, I didn't."
He was quiet for a long moment as he considered what I said, "I'm sorry, baby, but I'm failing to see the problem. You know I don't have an issue with that kind of thing."
"I know you don't, Hawkeye; but I do." I sighed and sat back, bring my knees up and hugging them to me. "I wish I could explain this so you could understand…I wish I knew what was wrong with me; how I've become so amoral, why I'm giving in to temptation, why I'm allowing myself to explore things that are expressly forbidden. This isn't right."
"There's nothing wrong with you, Dago," Hawkeye told me in a gentle voice. "I know you and I don't agree on the Bible or your vows or whatever, but here's what I think: You're human. Human's enjoy things that bring us pleasure—sex primarily. Kissing someone isn't a sin, Dago. I don't care who you are."
"It's not just that we kissed," I argued softly. "I…became…aroused."
Hawkeye was quiet for a moment and I glanced over to gage his reaction, seeing that he was trying to contain a smirk. "I guess that answers one question."
"What?" I asked, not sure I really wanted to know.
"Whether or not women can turn you on."
I gave him a stern look of reprimand and he guffawed with a laugh, still trying to contain his mirth.
"Listen, Dago, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. There's nothing wrong with you, you're not amoral, and you're not going to Hell." He punctuated the last few words by poking me in the chest with every syllable.
"You don't know that, Hawkeye."
"Nor do you for sure; but I remember it was you who told me that only people who are truly repentant are absolved, right? Seems to me like you feel pretty damn repentant for kissing my wife." He nodded to the Bible and the beads in my hand.
When I didn't say anything, Hawkeye pulled me against him, tipping my chin up and kissing me. "Stop fretting, Dago. I'll talk to Mary and tell her to stop kissing you if you want me to, but I really wish you'd learn to live a little. Not everything's a sin in life."
"No," I agreed. "But there are some pretty clearly defined acts that constitute sinning. I feel I've defiled your marriage bed enough by being with you, I don't need to add your wife into the mix."
"I seem to recall you saying she kissed you?"
"Yes, but I reciprocated."
"Well, it's hard not to; Mary is a damn good kisser."
"Hawkeye," I reprimanded again, making him laugh softly.
"Come on, baby. Lighten up, okay? I still say it's not a sin unless both people feel that it is."
"And I still say it doesn't work like that." I sighed, leaning heavily against him. "Maybe I should go to confession. It's been quite some time since I last confessed and I certainly have enough to confess about."
"What are you going to confess?"
"Nothing truly specific," I admitted. "At least not as far as you and I are concerned. I've reconciled our relationship; I've accepted the consequences for it."
"Consequences?"
"I've told you…if the church ever found out I'd be excommunicated. Beyond that, I risk eternal damnation if I'm wrong about God's forgiveness in this matter."
Hawkeye was strangely quiet, but his arms tightened around me. "You'd really risk going to Hell for me?"
"I already have, Ben." I told him, turning my head up to look at him. "I love you. I'd spend a thousand lifetimes in Hell if it meant being with you for just one day."
He pressed his lips to mine, kissing me sweetly for several moments before finally pulling back. "I love you, too, John…. Are you still upset about Mary?"
I sat up and sighed. "I don't know…I feel torn between feeling guilty because I enjoyed it and feeling guilty because it happened and shouldn't have."
"It was only a kiss, Dago. Nothing more."
I didn't tell him that it hadn't gone farther because I'd stopped it, but I accepted what he said. It was only a kiss, and for that I was grateful, but I knew it couldn't happen again.
"Do you want me to say something to her?"
"No. I'll talk to her about it." Though I knew it would be an awkward conversation, I felt it was my responsibility to establish that boundary. I felt confident enough in our newly formed friendship to know that Mary would understand, possibly better than Hawkeye did. Hopefully she would be as willing as I was to chalk it up to a bit of tomfoolery and leave well enough alone.
"Are you going to bed just now?" Hawkeye asked, sounding hopeful that I would say no.
"I'm not especially tired right now," I admitted, looking over at him. "Why do you ask?"
"I thought we could stay up a while longer. Watch something on the television or play a game or stay in here." He grinned as he mentioned the last option, and I blushed but couldn't hide my smile.
"You're impossible."
His grin widened, "So you've said."
Hawkeye leaned in, kissing me deeply. "So, what do you say?"
"I need to finish praying." I told him truthfully. It had been far too long since I had prayed the rosary, which was absolutely unacceptable. As a priest, I should do this daily while meditating on the Mysteries in the lives of Jesus and the Holy Mother Mary. I was solely to blame for my negligence, and resolved to get back in the habit of prayer.
"How long will you be?"
"Well…" I looked down at the rosary in my hands, my thumb and forefinger still marking my place. "Each bead on the rosary marks a prayer, or a sequence of prayers. In total, there are about 81 prayers. I'm on about the 17th one."
"81?" Hawkeye cried, obviously not expecting that response. I laughed. "Dago, that'll take all night."
"It won't," I reassured him, amused. "They're not long prayers. Just a lot of Hail Mary's."
"Do you pray in English or in Latin?"
"Latin."
"Can I stay and watch?"
"You want to watch me pray?" For someone who was so at odds with God, Hawkeye seemed overly curious about Catholic practices at times.
He shrugged in response. "Sure why not?"
I looked at him skeptically for a moment but decided to let him stay. I bowed my head and continued with my series of Hail Mary's.
"Ave Maria, gratia plena, Dominus tecum.

Benedicta tu in mulieribus, et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Jesus.

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis peccatoribus,

nunc et in hora mortis nostrae. Amen. (2)"
When I finally worked through all the prayers and said the last In The Name and crossed myself, I looked over to see Hawkeye looking at me with a soft expression. I blushed under his gaze. "What?"
"I just love listening to you speak in Latin. It sounds so flawless."
"Well, I can pray well enough in Latin, but I still have trouble conjugating verbs when I'm speaking conversationally."
"What other languages did you say you speak? French, right?"
"Yes, and Spanish, plus a little German, Chinese, Tibetan, Korean and Gaelic. And now a little Vietnamese."
"Say something in Gaelic."
"Sláinte."
"What's that mean?"
"Cheers, basically." I laughed, "It's one of the only things I know how to say, the other being 'Go n-ithe an cat thú is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat.(3)'"
"And that means…?"
"May the cat eat you and the devil eat the cat."
Hawkeye roared with laughter. "Where the hell did you learn Gaelic anyways?"
"My grandfather. He died when I was young, so I didn't get to learn too much from him, but I remember those two sayings. He used to call my grandmother 'a ghra mo chroi' (4) or just 'a ghra' which means 'love of my heart.'"
"A ghra mo chroi," he repeated softly, looking deep in my eyes before he reached up, sliding his fingers into the hair at the base of my skull and gently urging me forward into a tender kiss.
The kiss quickly deepened and Hawkeye took the beads from my hand, laying them aside as he used his body weight to lower me onto my back on the wooden floorboards. I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him in against me, and feeling the missing piece that had been lacking when I'd been pressed against Mary. I swiftly became aroused yet again, but I'd already found release once that night and Hawkeye hadn't.
I tightened my hold on him and used my strength to roll us over so that I was now on top of him. Hawkeye chuckled against my mouth, obviously amused, but I felt his erection stiffen even more beneath me. I broke away from his lips, nipping along his jaw and neck, slowly making my way down the length of his torso, pushing his sweater up and kissing his stomach and navel.
As I worked open the fastenings of his pants and began to slide them down his hips, I gently bit his hipbone, making him moan softly. His fingers ran through my hair as I kissed my way across his pelvic bone and bit him just where the inside of his leg connected with his body. He shuddered, moaning again. I gripped his hard length in my hand and flicked my tongue against the small strap of skin that stretched from the top of the shaft to the underside of the bulbous head of his penis. He jerked slightly, panting heavily with anticipation. I slowly drew him into my mouth, taking him as deep as I could and listening to his long, quiet groan of pleasure.
"Fuck…Dago…" he swore softly, fingers running through my hair continuously.
I began to move up and down his shaft, applying various amounts of pressure with the suction of my mouth, and snaked my hand down between his legs to fondle his testicles and caress his backside. His legs fell open a little wider in quiet invitation, and I reached my hand up the length of his body to his mouth. Hawkeye nibble at my fingertips before drawing my fingers into his mouth, one by one. I was surprised when he began to suck my ring finger, as I'd only ever used my index and middle finger inside of him before, but I didn't object. As he slid my slickened fingers from between his lips, I brought my hand back down and gently began to work them one by one inside of him, never taking my attention off his erection.
When I slid the third finger in, Hawkeye groaned and I felt the muscles in his legs quiver slightly, but he was pushing against me and rolling his hips, thrusting up into my mouth and down onto my fingers. He was breathing heavily, panting with pleasure, and he gripped my head, holding me in place.
"Oh, fuck, yes… Fuck, Dago, just like that, don't stop…" His thrusts became more fervent and frenzied as he quickly neared his peak. I let him hold me down on him, somehow thrilled by his passion and pleasure, anticipating his release and wanting to taste him. With my free hand, I grasped his testicles, squeezing and pulling them the way I knew he liked and he cried out, trying to stifle the noise by biting his lip as he lost control of his orgasm. I swallowed the gush of fluid, sucking him until he was completely spent and laying sprawl on the floor in a panting heap. I wiped my mouth with the back of my right hand, withdrawing my left hand from his anus and wiping them on his pants that were bunched around his ankles.
"What the fu…Dago!" He hollered, lifting his head to see what I was doing.
I grinned, laughing slightly. "Just repaying you for all the times you did that to me."
He laughed and dropped his head gently back down to the floor. "You're such a little shit sometimes."
"I guess it takes one to know one," I remarked, making him laugh again as he reached for me and tugged me down into his arms, tickling me.
"No! No! Hawkeye, no!" I squirmed, trying not to squeal with laughter, least I wake the entire household. Hawkeye was laughing softly, but he stopped tickling me and drew me into a kiss instead.
"Fuck, I love you." He murmured, brushing the tip of his nose against mine.
I smiled, leaning down to kiss him again before I pulled back, getting to my feet to pick up my Bible and rosary beads off the floor. "So, Trapper's coming tomorrow?"
Hawkeye pulled his pants back up, fastening them before he got to his feet and promptly flopped down on the bed. "Yeah. He's coming up and they'll stay tomorrow and New Years Eve and go home New Years day. You don't mind do you?"
"Mind? No. Why would I mind? This is your house, Hawkeye. I'm a guest."
"You're not just a guest, Dago…" he said seriously. "I just, you know…I kind of wanted to kiss you at midnight, but with Trapper here…"
"Oh, I see… You really ought to kiss your wife at midnight, anyways." I sat on the edge of the bed and he took my hand, pulling me down to lay against him.
"Yeah, I know…" He sighed softly. "Have you ever kissed anyone at midnight on New Years?"
"Danny," I admitted, again saddened by his memory. Hawkeye's arms tightened around me.
"I'm sorry," he murmured. "Are you doing okay…you know…with that?"
I closed my eyes, pressing closer to him. "I don't want to talk about it right now."
"Okay…" he pressed a gentle kiss to the top of my head and stroked my hair.
Though I hadn't felt tired moments before, laying with him was lulling me to sleep. I was vaguely aware that his movements were getting slower and slower before they stopped all together and he simply draped his arm around me. I had intended to tell him he should go to bed, but I greedily wanted him to stay with me, and so I said nothing and let us both fall into a light sleep.
At some point I felt a quilt being gently placed over us before a pair of lips tenderly touched my forehead. I peeked my eyes open to see Mary leaning over me to do the same to Hawkeye before she brushed his hair off his forehead.
"Thank you," I murmured sleepily. Her hand stroked my cheek softly.
"Goodnight, John." She whispered.
"G'night, Mary."

TBC
1.) Apostles' Creed (English Translation):
I believe in God,
the Father almighty,
Creator of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord,
who was conceived by the Holy Spirit,
born of the Virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died and was buried;
he descended into hell;
on the third day he rose again from the dead;
he ascended into heaven,
and is seated at the right hand of God the Father almighty;
from there he will come to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the holy catholic Church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and life everlasting. Amen.
2.) Hail Mary (English Translation):
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee!

Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,

now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
3.) Pronounced /guh nee-ha on cat hoo iss go nee-ha on jeowel on cat/
4.) Pronounced /ah graw muh kree/
- 15
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Infatuation