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Adam	By : kattanon Category: S through Z > The Shield Views: 1482 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own The Shield, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Disclaimer: - I don�t own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.

Adam Chapter 11
Dutch could congratulate himself on being the model patient. Over the past two months he�d progressed so well that although he was still a resident of the psychiatric floor of the hospital he was no longer under lock and key. He was no longer secured inside his room and there wasn�t a locked metal mesh door at the end of the corridor. He was even trusted enough to get metal cutlery at meal times, and was allowed into the day room to watch the television with the other patients. But hanging out with a bunch of strange people in their pyjamas watching the mind numbing mediocrity that was daytime programming wasn�t his idea of a good time.
He mostly holed up in his room with some magazines and books that Doctor Bennett had brought in for him to read. He�d also become something of a sudoku whiz completing pages of the little math�s puzzles to pass the time and wake his brain up a bit.
He still had one session of therapy with Doctor Bennett a day and he knew she was pleased with his progress. It was funny how much that pleased him. When she smiled at him, when she finished a session saying, "That was really good Dutch. I think we�ve worked well today." He would feel a little flutter in his chest and a smile would spread over his face. He needed it, the praise. The feeling that he was being good. It made him feel safe. If he were pleasing the person in charge of his life then everything would be all right; he�d stay in the light. Deep down inside of himself those thoughts worried him.
Of course he didn�t tell Doctor Bennett about those thoughts. He didn�t want to see that concerned little frown line that would deepen between her eyes when he said something he should�ve kept to himself. He needed to give a good impression. He needed to be the person she wanted him to be if he was ever going to get out of the hospital. And if there was one thing his experiences had taught him it was how to be what other people wanted him to be.
To this end he sacrificed his night light, the one Doctor Bennett had let him have after he�d told her about the darkness. A couple of weeks ago he�d handed it back to her at the start of one of their daily sessions with his most sincere smile, the one that was slightly lop sided and made the corners of his eyes crinkle ever so slightly; the one Taylor had liked the best. He knew she�d asked the night staff to keep an eye on him for a couple of nights after he�d given it to her. He�d heard his door creak open a couple of times a night as a nurse would stick his or her head around the door and watch him for a couple of minutes. He�d become a very light sleeper so that they always woke him, but he�d also learnt not to give himself away. He�d learnt to keep his eyes closed and his breathing slow and even � sometimes it had worked and Taylor had left him in peace.
After a few nights though the visits had stopped and he had assumed Doctor Bennett was satisfied that he really was coping without the lamp now. She didn�t know how hard it was for him lying in his bed night after night seeing shapes moving towards him in the darkness, hearing the whisper of words that should�ve been filled with love but were twisted and poisoned into something dirty and perverted. She didn�t know how hard it was for him not to pull the covers over his head and curl up into a ball to try to hide from his ghosts. She didn�t know how some nights he longed to creep his way across the cold, grey tiles of his hospital room floor and cram himself into a safe corner. All she knew was that he smiled his lop sided smile at her and said he was "just fine" in an easy, confident voice.
Dutch sighed and glanced up at the clock over the door to his room. For once he wasn�t dressed in hospital issue scrubs. The day before Doctor Bennett had brought a large holdall with her to their session and had presented it to him looking so pleased with herself and eager for him to open it that he�d wondered what could possibly be inside it. When he�d pulled down the zipper and peered inside he�d found clothes, but not just any clothes but his clothes. Not the designer labels and silk underwear that Taylor had provided him with, but his old clothes from the time before the cell. Plain and basic and cheap, and he�d pulled each article of clothing carefully out of the bag and had run his fingers almost reverently over them all. To his stunned, "How?" Doctor Bennett had told him they were from Claudette.
He�d already acknowledged to himself that his house and his belongings were probably gone. After all a year is a long time especially if everyone thinks you�re dead, but this was the first indication he�d had that maybe not everything was lost to him. Doctor Bennett had told him that Claudette had kept some of his things "just in case" and the thought that maybe not everyone had given up on him had meant a genuine smile of pleasure had lit up his face for an instant.
Then the doctor had added in a carefully measured tone of voice that Claudette had hoped she could come and visit him. Dutch had continued to look through his returned clothing, a perfect way to hide his eyes that he was sure would show his fear and uncertainty. It was one thing to assure Doctor Bennett that Adam was gone, but would Claudette look at him and see the old Dutch, her Dutch? However, he�d known that if he�d refused to see her it would�ve looked defensive, like he had something to hide. So still seemingly absorbed in his returned belongings he�d shrugged his shoulders as casually as he�d could manage and had said, "Sure, that�d be great." He�d given himself a few more minutes until he was sure he�d schooled his face into a properly optimistic and contented expression before he�d met Doctor Bennett�s gaze again.
Now the time was almost here. The real test. Would someone who�d known him so well before, his ex-partner and one of his best friends, would she see Dutch the cop or Adam the whore?
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Adam