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Just A Game	By : MoreCharahPlease Category: 1 through F > Chuck Views: 68647 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own CHUCK or its characters. I am not making any money from this or any of my CHUCK stories.

Chapter List
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Notes: A lot of arguments going on in the reviews, which is fine I suppose. But please don't insult each other. That's sort of silly. This is just a story in the end. I can handle readers who don't like what I'm writing. I appreciate having readers in the first place. However, that being said, I do want to address one thing. I don't remember who, but someone decided the reason I haven't updated in awhile is because I wrote myself into a corner and couldn't write out of it. Honestly, I find this a bit patronizing and I don't appreciate it. "Just A Game" is literally the only thing in my life that I DO have a handle on. Whether readers like my characterization/storyline or not, I like it. I enjoy writing this story. And I know exactly where I'm going with my characters.

I did, however, take some time to recuperate from being laid off--applying for new jobs, trying to get back on my feet--as you do when real life bites you in the ass. So for those of you still reading, whether you are enjoying the read or not, thanks for still coming back. This story has been my anchor the past few weeks.

This is a really huge chapter and took quite a bit of work and edits to get it exactly where I wanted it. I hope you enjoy it. And if not, feel free to let me know, guys. I can handle it. Just know it won't change how I frame my story or its characters.

Disclaimer: Not making money from anything right now, especially not this story. I don't own CHUCK. But damn me if this story doesn't own me.

   The cars swept past below my apartment as I stared out of my window. I was huddled up in my sweatshirt, sitting on the window seat, my knees pulled up to my chest with a cup of tea balancing on them.

   It was a little after 10 and the streets were relatively empty. Quiet.

   I hated it.

   It had been what drew me to this neighborhood when I first moved here a year and a half ago, and now it just made me nervous.

   I hated the man who’d done this to me. Made me afraid of my own neighborhood, of my apartment. The evening used to be my favorite part of the day. It was quieter and I could be alone. I could work and think. Now I was afraid of that, too.

   I hadn’t opened my computer all night. It just sat there. Charging. Shut. Out of my sight. I didn’t even want to work.

   The worst of it was how little I wanted to be alone. Which made me feel foolish. I could take care of myself. I didn’t need Graham to put a detail outside of my home. But maybe I could get Carina to come over, make me a little less unsettled, watch some entertaining action flick or something, since that tended to be what we both gravitated towards when we had time to kill.

   Even walking through the worst areas of Los Angeles didn’t unnerve me like sitting in my own God damn home did now. Nothing had ever reduced me to this before. Not the threats I’d received in D.C. from the big shot politicians I’d knocked down a peg or three in my investigations. Not the guns pointed in my face. Nothing.

   I was a lone ranger for most of my life, thriving on being by myself, enjoying the time I spent alone. I lived best alone. But I just didn’t want it now. I needed something to put me at ease.

   I had to admit, though, that seeing Chuck earlier, having him out-hack the hacker who he said might be called Fulcrum, having him there in the room with me, smiling at me, our banter, as tentative as it was…It had all put me at ease like nothing else would have.

   My phone buzzed on the table and I ignored it, looking up at the moon, so bright and full, the sky so clear around it. It would be so easy for someone to climb up to the roof. Especially in the light of the full moon. And just slink down the side of the building to get into my window.

   Fuck.

I needed to stop being so paranoid. I’d had bad guys after me before. Even as a child, I’d been threatened because of my dad’s shenanigans—the memories of having to leave things behind in hotel rooms, confused as I ran to the car as fast as I could because dad told me to. Scared at the look of fear on his face as we drove off, the way he would glance over his shoulder in panic making me think in my youthful imagination that the world was ending.

   I’d survived difficult situations before. I’d had politicians in D.C. send their contract rats after me to rattle me so as to not continue my investigations. And I’d had my apartment broken into a couple of times. My things strewn about the floor. Just to send me a message.

   But something about this was especially personal. And invasive.

   What sorts of things had this Fulcrum hacker seen or heard in this apartment? I just felt so violated. Moments I’d thought were completely private might not have been after all. Some geek with greasy hair and pimples most likely had been watching, probably eating Hot Fritos and drinking Mountain Dew…

   No, no.

   I was letting myself run away with this generally harmless image of what a hacker must look like. If what Chuck said was true about Fulcrum, he wasn’t just a professional, he was top shelf stuff. Multiple felony counts if he was ever caught. Possibly the highest levels of espionage and traitor charges.

   Maybe I’d do my own research about Fulcrum. See if he came up in google search.

   Especially since we hadn’t brought the FBI in yet, aside from Graham informing the head. Agent Redding was thankfully in agreement that no one else in the agency needed to know yet, knowing how hungry the press could be with situations like this and how easy it was to get a leak out to them.

   Albert wouldn’t be back for at least another week. By that token, I wasn’t even sure Albert would be brought into our small circle of people who knew about everything.

   So it was up to me.

   I could find the hacker threads Chuck had told us about. I could make my own username, infiltrate the hacker’s domain… I’d watch him this time.

   But I would need to ask Chuck about it.

   Maybe talking to him tonight, asking him for his help, would be the perfect way to distract me from my nerves. More importantly, it would be a chance for me to talk to him about what happened last month. It would be a chance for me to apologize.

   I didn’t want to move from my perch. But I knew I had to at some point. I had to get my phone. I had to call Chuck.

   And yet, I didn’t budge. Because my mind fell back to the Fulcrum attack. Even after all of the cases I looked at as the day wore on, I hadn’t found anything that set off red flags. Nothing seemed to be connected to Fulcrum. It occurred to me that he might have been hired by someone else to retrieve information, but what information, and why? I wasn’t special. I had nobody I knew in the government. And why would a big name hacker work for someone else? Wasn’t that…unusual?

   I’d have to run that by Chuck, as well. He seemed strangely…connected to that sort of world. Like he was an insider.

   I shook that out of my mind for now, because it was a little too nerve-wracking.

   What the fuck was all of this about?

   The not knowing was the worst part of it. Not knowing what Fulcrum was after, if it was for him or for someone paying him? Or was it all just an attempt to get under my skin, freak me out…but why? What reason would he have for that?

   I wasn’t a federal agent. I was just a cop, a detective with the LAPD at most. I wasn’t even one of the press darlings whose cases were followed by fans. Probably because I had Casey shielding me. He was a good shield, always putting himself between me and the media. O’Bannon had called him a press hog once and I’d snapped at him for it. Casey did me a huge favor because he was a good partner. He hated the press infinitely more than I did. Sometimes I thought the guy just hated talking, period.

   I jumped at the sudden knock on my front door, nearly spilling tea all over myself.

   It wasn’t him. Of course it wasn’t him. He wouldn’t have knocked. He would have snuck in again.

   But I was especially careful as I eased off of the window seat and crossed the room, setting my tea down on the table and wrapping the blanket tighter around my shoulders.

   I slipped my hand in my purse that sat in the entry way and pulled my pistol out of it, hiding it behind the blanket and sidling up to the door.

   I wished my apartment door had a peephole. I would’ve felt so much better about opening the door if I could see what was on the other side.

   “Sarah?” I heard from behind the door. “It’s Chuck.”

   A long sigh of relief came from me as I let my forehead thump against the cool wood of the door. I’d known it was him the second he said my name. Everything inside of me tingled, and I was nearly dizzy, I was so relieved.

   I finally gathered myself and opened the door. He’d practically been pressed against it, it seemed, because he had to take a quick step to keep from falling into me.

   Self control went right out of me as overwhelming relief flooded through my body, making me dizzy. I closed the distance between us and hugged him, pressing my forehead to his jaw, squeezing.

   The last two days’ events threatened to bubble up from where I’d kept them lodged in my chest all this time, trying to keep from going mad. I just barely held it all in, shutting my eyes tight.

   I wanted to keep standing here, his arms around me. It felt so safe after I’d been halfway to a panic attack when I first heard the knock on my door, after the entire night of feeling jittery.

   I wasn’t alone. More importantly, Chuck was here. And I’d needed this so bad. Not just because of last night, but after five weeks without his reassuring presence in my life.

   I was supposed to be a good detective, someone who stared dangerous situations and criminals in the face on a daily basis. I never showed fear; if I was ever intimidated or nervous, I hid it.

   So I attempted to do the same now as I finally tried to pull back. But he kept his arms tight around me and I couldn’t budge. I accepted it and kept holding onto him, letting myself find comfort in him for a little while longer.

   Until we both pulled back just a little, looking at one another.

   I knew he could see underneath all of it, that I was scared, that I was glad I had someone here. I felt just a little embarrassed by it. But then at the same time, I was strangely comfortable with him knowing.

   “Sorry. I-I’m glad it was you instead of…” I swallowed. “I’m being ridiculous.”

   “No! No, it-it’s okay.” He rubbed my arms gently, his brow furrowed in understanding.

   I finally pulled away and opened the door for him to come in. I didn’t like the thought of my door standing open, gaping, waiting for something bad to sweep in.

   “What are you doing here?” I asked, trying not to sound rude. I didn’t mean it that way, and I hoped he didn’t take it wrong.

   “Uh, well…I called first and you didn’t answer your phone,” he said as he walked in and turned towards me while I shut the door.

   I let him have that.

   Because while it was true that I hadn’t answered my phone when he called, he knocked on my door not 7 minutes later. It took longer than that to get here from his place. I knew that for a fact. “And I overheard what you said to Graham about not wanting him to post a detail here to watch over your place. While I definitely respect your feelings about that, I…Well, I came anyways.”

   I let out a huff and shook my head. “Chuck, that wasn’t necessary.”

   I felt foolish as I tried to save face. Like a 12 year old who got scared by the horror film at the movies trying to persuade their buddies that they weren’t scared at all. I was too old to play that game.

   “Yes, it was. I’m—Look. Sarah. I haven’t gotten all of this out of my head today for even a second. He—He hurt you.” He was so close then, and his fingers so gentle as they softly grazed over the bruise on my jaw. Oddly enough it didn’t hurt. If anything I just felt a warmth stemming from where he touched me. “The idea of you being here by yourself all night was driving me crazy.”

   “I can handle it, Chuck,” I said with strength I didn’t feel at the moment. “It’s my job. I didn’t get to be a detective because I couldn’t take care of myself. Trust me.” If he knew half the things I’d seen, done, suffered through as a police officer…I actually didn’t want him knowing those things, on second thought.

   “No, no. No. That isn’t what I mean. I’m not gonna pretend I’d be a better protector for you than you are for yourself. I stub my toe and I’m out of commission for…God, hours.”

   That made me giggle in spite of everything. He could always make me giggle. In spite of everything.

   “I just…” he continued, then licked his lips as he searched for the right words. His lips…I knew this wasn’t the right time to be thinking like this, but I wanted to feel them on me. “I don’t want you to be alone. What you went through last night, and what we found out today, you shouldn’t have to deal with it alone.”

   He cleared his throat then, and I didn’t say anything, because what could I say? I didn’t even know what to think, let alone what to say. Except that I knew this was my chance. I’d been about to call him to apologize, but this was better.   “I know I’m probably the last person you want here at the moment…” That so wasn’t true, and even though I knew why he was saying it, he was just so wrong. “But I want to be here. I got nothin’ else goin’ on. That isn’t—That’s not what I mean. Obviously this isn’t as trivial as I just made it sound. Like, yeah, I really don’t have anything else going on but that wasn’t what I was trying to—Shut up, Chuck.”

   He let out a long breath and pushed a hand through his hair.

   “I really don’t need a protector,” I said, ignoring the deeper stuff we needed to address. I was such a coward.

   I didn’t need a protector, but what I did need was him. I needed him here. Just having him here in my apartment was making such a huge difference.

   And we did need to clear the air. I wanted to apologize. I had to make sure he knew how sorry I was that I’d let everything boil over that day in the car, after seeing him hurt, thinking about how much worse it could’ve been.

   I couldn’t let what happened that day in my car happen again. I didn’t want him hurt like that again, and deep down inside, I had to admit that I’d been hurt as well. It was exactly what I’d been fighting so hard to keep from happening when I’d suggested this arrangement in the beginning.

   I knew I’d mistreated him. And I felt awful. So I had to apologize, lay it all on the line, and let him decide what to do from there. I had to get a damn hold of myself first, though.

   “You don’t even have your guys out there to protect you, though! I mean, yeah, you might not need me as a protector, but you need something. Someone. Even if it isn’t for protection. Just…company. To distract you.” He shook his head, apparently deciding to change gears. “I won’t sleep tonight if you’re here alone. I just won’t. There. I’ll admit it’s a little selfish. I’d like to be able to sleep tonight and leaving you here alone will make me lose sleep. I can’t afford to lose sleep, Sarah, as I am a very busy and important man.” His self-deprecating smirk brought me back to the beginning, a few months ago, when I first met him. It was his sincerity and his warmth and the way he enjoyed making me smile and laugh.

   It was breaking down any remaining vestiges of my resistance and I had absolutely no clue it was even happening. At least not at the time.

   “Nothing I say is gonna get you to leave, is it?” I asked, and I wouldn’t have been able to keep the soft smile from my face if I tried. I wasn’t going to ask him to leave and we both knew it. I wanted him here. I needed it.

   Chuck pursed his lips and hung his head thoughtfully for a second, scuffing the toe of his Converse sneakers against my wood floor. And then he looked up at me through his eyelashes.

   “All you have to do is ask me to leave, really ask me and mean it, and I’ll go.”

   How the hell was he so good? And why to me? When I definitely didn’t deserve it.

   I was afraid of being by myself. But he wasn’t going to make me say it.

   Fear of being alone had never been a problem before last night. And there wasn’t anyone else that I would rather have here with me, even if he did swear he’d be unable to protect me if Fulcrum came back tonight.

   Something told me Chuck Bartowski would fight his ass off, whether he was successful or not.

   He cared about me. And maybe how much he cared about me was potentially problematic. I was still totally clueless about my own feelings wedged in my chest, but I was willing to lock that door behind him and talk about it. We had to clear the air. I had to be totally honest with him, and I wanted him to be honest with me.

   Whatever became of us at the end of this night…I really wanted to do this.

   “Do you want some tea?” I asked.



——————

   I felt him at my shoulder as I watched the water boil inside of the glass kettle. The sound of the bubbles had its own sort of comforting feeling for me.

   Chuck’s presence only added to it.

   “Before we do or say anything else, Chuck, I want to apologize. I need to.” I glanced over at him but he kept his gaze on the countertop. “I should’ve apologized sooner. I called and you didn’t pick up, or call back. Instead of letting it go, I should’ve called again. And again. And again. Until you picked up or called me back. Because as hard as I worked to keep this relationship as purely physical, that didn’t mean I should’ve just tossed it the way I did when you didn’t call back. Like it didn’t mean anything. Because it did. Does,” I amended. “I hope you know that.”

   He nodded quietly.

   “I’m just a coward. Always looking for the easiest way out when it comes to…” I sighed and hung my head a little, picking at the counter with my fingernail. “Personal connections. Relationships. I never do this about my job or…any other aspect of my life, actually. But with other people, I…I am really bad at relationships. Romantic or otherwise.”

   Chuck didn’t respond, but his eyebrows rose and he finally met my gaze.

   “So I’m sorry. And not just about that,” I rushed when he seemed like he might answer. “I was going to call you tonight to apologize, and then you showed up at my door, so I’m taking this opportunity to also tell you that I was unfairly harsh in the car that day. I’m sorry for that, too.”

   He nibbled a little on the inside of his cheek, a line between his brows. “There were just so many things all happening at once and I got mean.”

   The water finally finished and the kettle beeped a few times. I refilled my mug, and filled another for Chuck, dropping the teabag he’d picked out a few minutes earlier inside.

   “What do you mean by so many things all happening at once?” he asked me, reaching around to snag both mugs and moving out of the kitchen. I followed him, wincing at the pain in my ankle. He must’ve caught it because he set the mugs down on the table and retraced his steps towards the kitchen again. “Sit down.”

   “What are you doing?” I asked, complying and sitting on the window seat because of the tone he used.

   “Have any plastic bags? Like Ziploc or something?”

   “Cupboard to your left. Three drawers up.”

   “Getting you some ice for that ankle,” he said. And in less than a minute, he was coming back with ice he’d dug out of my freezer, zipping the bag shut and crossing the room to stand in front of me. “You should’ve been icing it this whole time. My sister is a doctor. I know some things.”

   When I just sat there smiling up at him like a besotted idiot, he rolled his eyes and knelt down, lifting my legs and swiveling me to sit long ways across the window seat, sitting down on the other side and draping my injured ankle onto his lap. He gingerly placed the ice on the swelling and gave me one emphatic nod. “There.”

   “I repeat my question,” he said. “You said a lot of things were all happening at once. Like what, for instance?”

   I sighed.

   “It freaked me out, seeing you that way. The black eye and bleeding lip. The bruise on your face. I just…you could’ve been hurt way worse, or even killed. So, yeah, it scared me. Also because…Honestly? I’d been worried before that because our thing was getting to be less like I’d planned it in my head—sex with no emotional attachment—and more like…what I was trying to keep it from becoming.”

   He looked down at my foot instead of up at me.

   “So I jumped to conclusions, thinking you called me instead of 911 because of your feelings for me. I’m so stupid. Because I get why it made sense to you to call me. You didn’t think it would get so intense, I’m sure. And the attention it would’ve drawn on top of that. All of the cop cars swarming in, the media showing up out of nowhere like the hungry rats they are. I’m sorry for being such an egomaniac and assuming you calling me first was anything but what it was—you reaching out to someone you know who has a badge and authority.”

   I was a little unsettled by how quiet he was. Granted, I wasn’t letting him get much in with how I was rattling on. But he deserved an apology. And the truth. Whatever the fuck that was. I still wasn’t entirely sure of it myself at this point in time.

   And then he did speak, and I was entirely unprepared for what he said.

   “No, you were right.” I stayed silent, letting him speak. “I called you first because I…” He let out a long breath and shook his head, before his brown eyes caught mine. I couldn’t look away if I tried. “You’re pretty much always on my mind. So when there was trouble, I immediately grabbed my phone and called you. Not the police, not my sister, not…anyone else but you.” He blinked and looked away. My cheeks felt hot. Everything felt hot. Even as he held a bag of ice to my skin. “I’m sorry. That was maybe…too intense.”

   “No…” I spoke before I even had time to think. “It-It’s fine,” I said lamely.

   A lot was happening right then and I could feel it in the air around us. He’d just made something of an admission. And it hadn’t sent me running.

   “Why didn’t you call back?” I finally asked. “When I called you after that day.” He didn’t say anything. “I mean, I can probably guess. And I don’t blame you. I was a total asshole in the car.”

   “No. That wasn’t it.” Chuck sighed. “I mean, I was mad at you, sure. Obviously.” Obviously. “I just knew that if I called you, if I talked to you so soon after our fight, I’d let my emotions get the better of me. I didn’t have the guts to talk to you and run the risk of having motor mouth about my feelings. You would’ve run away so fast,” he said, chuckling somewhat bitterly.

   But what if I wouldn’t have run away?

   That was an idiotic thing to think and I was glad that I didn’t ask out loud.

   “I really do have feelings for you, Sarah. I mean, shit, I warned you, didn’t I? I gave this thing a shot between me and you, just sex with nothing else. But I warned you right up front. I guess I just thought it’d be best if I left things where they were between us, because it was obvious how you felt. And that you weren’t going to change your mind. It was cowardly. Maybe I was taking the easy route, too, as much as it sucked.”

   He shrugged.

   “Listen, I…I really regret the way I said things that day, Chuck.” My voice was steady, but I didn’t feel so steady on the inside. “But I can’t…I can’t tell you I’ve changed my mind. I just don’t…know. I care about you. God, if I tried not to, I still would care because you’re—You’re so wonderful. I mean that. And you deserve someone who’s not as fucked up. I owe it to you, to men in general, not to get into a romantic relationship while I’m like this.” I sighed. “It just isn’t a good idea, not right now.”

   I heard a voice inside of my head snap a crisp, angry, “Shut up!” Because not right now had a lot of implications. Chuck was smart, and he was observant. And it was highly possible that not right now meant but later to him. But fuck that voice inside of my head. Because I refused to predict what I might want in the future, even to myself. All I knew was what I wanted and needed now. Or, at least, what I didn’t want and didn’t need now. What I was still so afraid of.

   I’d invested myself too many times, only to be betrayed, hacked down to a shell.

   “Look, I-I already did that once. I went headfirst into a relationship I wasn’t ready for, when I was trying to process some difficult things that happened in my life. I let myself get all caught up, and when it ended, it fucked me up worse than I’m comfortable saying. I’m sure the way it ended didn’t help much,” I added sardonically. “So I don’t want to do it wrong. I didn’t deserve it last time, and this time I’m…Fuck, I’m trying to keep you from getting fucked over, I guess. Because you definitely don’t deserve it.”

   I paused, unable to look at him. I’d just said some incredibly personal things, without realizing just how big of a deal it was. I obviously had a lot invested in Chuck already, even if I was completely unaware at the time.

   “If you want more than what we agreed upon, Chuck, I can’t give it to you. And maybe I wasn’t clear about this before, but I’m going to be clear now. I’m not entitled to whatever kind of relationship I want with you. You’ve always been perfectly free to walk away. To find someone who does want more than this.”

   Chuck sighed. “I know. You told me from the very beginning. I mean, yeah, the more time I spend with you, the more I want there to be…strings…attached—that sounds so stupid but you get what I mean.” He shook his head at himself. “I agreed to all of this. And I didn’t walk away from it because I didn’t want to.”

   I bit the inside of my cheek. Things were shifting inside of me even as I sat there, and I was totally aware of it. A tiny part of me told me to fight it, and I ignored it.

   “I know how I sound, not wanting a real relationship,” I tried. “Like I’m terrified of commitment. But what if I admit it?” Why was I letting myself say all of this? Why the hell was I letting him see inside of me? I should’ve shut down, but everything in me was crying for me to open up. “I’m scared of committing myself to other people because every time I do, it ends up shit.”

   I sounded like a bitter child, God damn it. But at least I was being honest.

   “I wasn’t ready before. I took a leap too fast too soon. He was my partner, so I let him in, and I—I was emotionally unstable, still torn up about—I just wasn’t ready. But I started a relationship anyway because I thought I could trust my partner with more than just my back out in the field. When he broke that trust—I wasn’t in the right place, emotionally. Add onto that the blowback from walking in on him cheating, add onto that the betrayal of all of my friends, people I trusted, knowing and never saying anything…” I had to take a deep breath, trying to settle myself. It was a lot of truth coming out of me. He wasn’t recoiling. If anything, he was leaning closer.

   No pity. No sympathy. He was just listening.

   “I won’t have you be collateral damage if I spiral, Chuck. I know that’s a crappy romance novel reason for not committing. That whole I was hurt before and I won’t let it happen again trope. But this is about much more than that. So I can’t.” I shut my eyes tightly, and even though it made me feel more vulnerable than I was comfortable with, I begged, “Please don’t judge me for it…”

   “I’ve been hurt, too. But you can’t—”

   “I can’t let it stop me from living my life?” I smiled at him, raising my eyebrows, and he smirked a little. I knew I’d said exactly what he’d been about to say. “Chuck, I have a lot of baggage.” Baggage that extended well past just Bryce Larkin. “Which is an understatement. My baggage could fill Brangelina’s French chateau, and I don’t feel comfortable shifting it to someone else. Now with this Fulcrum shit, I’ve got a fucking hacker maniac after me for some unknown reason. I’m not in the right place for a full-fledged relationship.” I paused, putting my hand over his where it rested on my knee. “I’m sorry, Chuck. I really am.”

   “Okay.” He swallowed hard and I knew he was hurting. This sucked so bad. I hated this. But he deserved the truth. “I need you to know something, though.”

   I watched him closely, nodding.

   “I’m crazy about you and you have to know that, right? I mean, I’m not good at hiding things like that.” I could hear my heart beating in my ears, thumping violently throughout my whole body. “You don’t owe me anything, Sarah. And I don’t want you to think that I think you owe me more than what you’re willing to give me. If you really aren’t ready, that’s something I have to accept. But…” He huffed softly. “I guess, I just want to know if—are you sure about not wanting more? Let me phrase that better. I’m wondering if even a small part of you is willing to…try?” He winced, as though feeling like he’d just said the wrong thing.

   “I don’t know how to answer that, Chuck. Because I don’t want you to stick around when you could be with someone else. Someone who knows she wants everything, you know?” I felt something deep down inside…something stirring. It was a hint of fear, but something else was there. Something warmer. Something deeper than mere trust. I had no idea what it was, but it was starting to become familiar to me…something that felt safe and comforting.

   “I get it,” he said. “But I don’t…really…want someone else. Look, layin’ out all my cards.” He pretended to fan them out in front of me, sweeping his hand through the air, smiling adorably. “What I really want is you. I’m not gonna beat around the bush. If we continue having sex, I’m not going to be able to push all of the other stuff to the side. My feelings, I mean. How much I care about you.” He blushed a little and swallowed thickly. “And if you want this to be…just sex…it’s going to be difficult. It’s been difficult,” he said, huffing again. “I just wish you’d agree to go out on a date with me. One date.”

   I opened my mouth to speak and he cut me off.

   “You don’t want that. I know. I’m sorry.”

   He shook his head.

   “Look, Sarah. Before that night in the club, I honestly wasn’t in the market for a relationship. I was working on my prototype, trying to make something of myself in the tech world, get my name out there. I was focused on just about everything but dating.” He shook his head, then met my eye. It was intense. It was making everything feel a little heated. “My top priority right now is to get my prototype sold, to start making actual money for something I can be proud of. Ever since college, all I’ve done is fix things. And I don’t want that anymore. I want to actually create instead of fixing stuff other people have created. And I don’t need a girlfriend to get that done.”

   I didn’t know how to respond. Again.

   “I don’t just want any woman,” he continued. “There’s no hole inside of me that needs filling or anything like that. I do, however, want you.” God, that warmth inside of me, that trustworthy feeling, unlike anything I’d ever felt before, was stirring powerfully—more like churning, actually. “You say you aren’t ready, and I get that. I’m not going to pretend to be happy about it. It sucks.” He shrugged, dropping his gaze. “But you’re trying to protect yourself. I don’t know everything, and I’d never expect you to tell it all to me…I can’t judge you for being afraid, cautious, for protecting yourself.”

   Chuck licked his lips, like he was preparing to say something big. I was on the edge of my seat as he finally looked at me again. “But I do know what the last guy did to you, and I think you know me well enough now to know that I would never do that.”

   Did I know that? Fuck, maybe I did. He was an incredibly good guy. And thankfully he wasn’t forcing me to answer that, as he continued before I could say anything.

   “I guess what I’m asking for is…just a little trust. You say you aren’t ready, that you’re afraid of committing. But sweep aside the whole commitment thing. All I ask is for a chance to prove I’m worthy of your trust. You have a lot on your plate, I get that. I’m not asking for you to take a leap now or anything like that. Just…tell me you’re willing to be open. To…let things happen. See where it goes. Natural-like.”

   “I have…shit I’m dealing with, Chuck. A lot of leftover shit, on top of this Fulcrum shit. You really want to throw your eggs in this basket? This basket that is full of shit.”

   “Well. That’s a bad image. But fuck yes, I do,” he answered quickly. It left me a little breathless. He was so hard to resist that I found myself not even wanting to anymore. I was terrified, but he was…setting me at ease. In that Chuck Bartowski way of his.

   “I can’t commit to anything big right now, Chuck. Not in good faith. Not with how all over the place my emotions are. I’m raw.”

   “I’m not asking you to,” he rushed out. “I’m not. I don’t want you to feel pressured. I don’t want to persuade you. I just want you to…want to.” He winced again. “God, I sound like an idiot. I’m not making a very good case for myself here, am I?”

   I shook my head slowly. “You’re doing a pretty good job, actually.” And then I found that I had a smile on my face. A small one. But it was there.

   But it dwindled then, just a bit. “I’m scared, Chuck. I don’t want to hurt you. Or…be hurt myself.”

   “Then we take out the extra…stuff. No labels. No pressures. Just us…getting to know each other, and not just physically, although that’s good, too.” He gave me a dreamy smile that made my eyes sparkle a little.

   “So what is this, then?” I asked.

   “Ah ah.” He held up a finger. “No labels.”

   I couldn’t help it. I giggled. God, he was special. That type of special I really wanted to get to know. I already knew his body. Sure, there was a lot left to discover as far as the physical Chuck Bartowski was concerned. But the other stuff…I wanted to know that, too.

   Could I move past the fear, though?

   I didn’t know.

   But why shouldn’t I try?

   If there was no pressure, why couldn’t I just…let things happen? Gradually. Let it blossom. Or something like that.

   Because what if I let it “blossom” and I fucked things up again? If that happened with Chuck, I knew…I just knew…it would be infinitely worse. I was already lost to him—everything about him. I didn’t quite understand just how much, but I knew I was lost—even if in a small way.

   I gnawed on my lip. “If I don’t agree to this, are you done?”

   He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t want you to agree to it just to keep me around. Is that the only reason you would agree to it?”

   I shook my head, a little surprised by how easy it was to answer him truthfully. “No.”

   Chuck smiled a little. “I don’t want you to feel like I’m holding this over your head. I mean it about the no pressure. You can trust me. I promise.”

   Don’t make promises you can’t keep, I thought to myself. I could see how sincere he was. Of course he would say that now. And he believed it, too. He was the best person I’d ever met. But he didn’t know the future.

   Nor did I.

   Which was why I was waffling so much in my own head.

   “Why?” I finally asked.

   “Why what?”

   “Why are you so determined? I mean about making me trust again? Being with me?” I paused, shaking my head. There was nothing broken in my voice as I spoke. I just knew what I was worth. And… “I’m not worth all of this.”

   He rubbed his hand over my leg distractedly, adjusting the ice pack on my ankle. “But I think you are.” Chuck lifted his eyes to mine slowly.

   “That’s it?” I asked. “That’s why you’re willing to put up with my bullshit? I’m broken, Chuck. It’s more than just an ex-boyfriend, I—” I couldn’t say it. It’d tear me apart from the inside out, and that was way too intense for this moment, so I just clamped my mouth shut instead.

   “I figured it was. And that’s okay. I mean, it’s not okay, whatever you went through. But I’m crazy about you. And I’m tired of shoving it down, pretending I’m just here for the sex. The sex is amazing, but everything else is…” He let out a huff and shut his eyes for a moment. “You’re an extraordinary woman, Sarah Walker. And I want to be with you. All of you.”

   I took a deep breath, staring at him. I wanted him. And this time I could feel something underneath the primal lust. The way my chest ached for him, the way he said things sometimes that made me feel a little less broken…

   “What if we…” I paused. “What if we did away with the rules, and just…see what happens?”

   “No labels, no pressure, no rules?”

   I giggled. “Sure.”

   “It’ll be our slogan.” His grin lit up the entire room. I felt a little less alone, less afraid. “Can I just say something?” I nodded. “I really miss this. Just sitting around and shootin’ the shit with you.” That made me snort softly. “But I gotta say, I also really miss being inside of you.”

   Well. I licked my lips, feeling the heat rising up from my shirt. Also there was that tingle between my legs now. “I miss it, too,” I finally answered.

   His fingers were distracting against my thigh, as he dragged his hand down to my shin, around to my calf, and back up again. I wanted him to touch me higher, right between my legs, preferably.

   “Listen, Chuck.” He was listening, but the look on his face hadn’t lost that intensity. “In the spirit of all of this honesty…God, I just don’t know. I don’t know what lies ahead for me, or for us. I’m not going to tell you I’m never going to—I just don’t know for sure. But it swings the other way, too. I don’t want you to wait in case I…I mean if this doesn’t…work…” I huffed. “Do you get what I’m trying to say?”

   “I do.”

   Did he really? Because I wasn’t exactly eloquent.

   “You don’t want me to get my hopes up. Understood. I appreciate your honesty. And I know where the door is. As do you. I respect that you’re trying to heal from something, and you’re trying to take down the shithead that attacked you last night. That’s why I’m not pressuring you. But you need to know that I care a great deal about you. And I’m not going to stop hoping for this to be more.”

   I swallowed thickly. There it was. “I don’t know, Chuck.”

   “I know you don’t. But…” He let out a soft breath and shook his head. And then I saw the gears turning. He had something else he wanted to say but couldn’t decide if he should say it. I reached out to touch his elbow since it was the only thing within reach, hoping he’d just spit it out, whatever it was.

   I’d already taken a leap, even if we disguised it as a not-leap. It was crazy, I knew, but crazy wasn’t entirely foreign to me, after all.

   “I might be pushing it a little and I’m sorry if I am. I respect how you want things to be. I understand that you’re scared to give me more than what we agreed on. In spite of being afraid, you’ve agreed to try, and that’s…” He stopped, and then swallowed thickly. “Do you have feelings for me?”

    I knew I was gaping. It was just that it had happened so fast. He was being his usual sweet self, rambling, that sweet concerned line between his eyebrows, and then he threw me off totally.

   “Any feelings at all?” he continued. “I know you care. You told me so. And I know we’re friends. That’s really important to me. But I wonder, you know, if you have, erm, romantic feelings. About me. Something deeper than just physical attraction.”

   “That’s…not easy to answer, Chuck.” I bit my lip.

   “Why?” I gave him a look and he looked adorably sheepish. “Oh. Right. Hearing a no won’t feel great and hearing a yes might make things a little more intense than you’re ready for right now.” He nodded. “Sorry I asked.”

   “Yes.”

   “I shouldn’t have.”

   “No…Chuck. Yes.” What in God’s ever loving fuck was I doing? “I’m not sure we’d even be having this conversation if I didn’t.” I let out a long breath and leaned my head back, lightly thumping it against the wall. “I do have feelings for you. And I guess that’s been the problem all along.”

   “It’s a problem?” He sounded breathless. I’d said too much. But I couldn’t take it back. I didn’t even want to take it back, honestly. What I said was true.

   “The whole fuck buddy thing is easy in theory. You have sex, you go home. No strings. No pesky emotions getting in the way. Just orgasms and relieving stress, tension. No responsibility. Just sex. That’s it. And part of me envies Carina for being able to do it as well as she can,” I said quietly, realizing distantly that we’d let our tea get cold, still sitting on the table. “I tried to ignore it, which probably makes me an awful person.”

   “It doesn’t. You knew what you wanted.”

   “You’re giving me way too much credit, Chuck.” He didn’t have a response to that. “Trurth is, you’re dangerous for a girl like me,” I said slowly, my voice a little deeper than usual. “A girl trying to stay unattached, someone who’s been broken too many times to be fixed.” I sighed. “You make me feel like…I wanna be fixed. And that’s scary.”

   I was being so honest with him that it should’ve terrified me. But the way he sat there listening to me, without judging, without expecting anything from me… The longer he stayed here, talking to me, the more I thought this could work. This no rules situation—what was it he said? No labels, no pressure.

   Baby steps.

   For a moment I allowed myself to wonder if sometime in the future, this could grow to be even more. If maybe I could actually be fixed. Chuck made me want to fix myself. Which was so much better than simply wanting him to fix me.

   I didn’t know if it was just that I wanted to be normal so bad, I was throwing my hopes onto this man simply because he’d proven himself to be a good guy. If that was the case, he deserved so much better. What if this grew into a real relationship, a serious relationship, and it failed?

   It would end up so much worse than it had with Bryce. Because I wasn’t sure I’d ever be over my mom, or even my dad. But did that mean I had to hold back when I met someone special? I had held back with Bryce, even if he was my boyfriend. I kept so much hidden. I hadn’t told him about what happened to me before I met him. Before academy. About my parents. Even then, when I walked in on him cheating, marking the end of that relationship, shattering the trust I’d given him… I’d been…   Heartbroken. A total mess. A friendless heap of depression. I’d reverted back to 16 year old Sarah Walker, the one that had relied on escape to keep from dwelling. It took Carina forcing me to LA, throwing out every last vestige of escape—flushing it all down the toilet, as it happened to be—and helping me find an apartment.

   “You’re scared of me,” he said quietly. I sighed and didn’t say anything, looking away. “My word isn’t good enough just yet. I don’t blame you. But now that we’re opening this up to include things other than sex, I hope to prove you can trust me.” He didn’t seem particularly hurt, though I could tell it stung. And I decided I needed to clear things up a bit.

   “I’m not scared of you, Chuck. I’m not sure I’ve ever met anyone as trustworthy as you are. Or as honorable.” He lifted an eyebrow in a way that made me take a moment to tease him. “Although, that goes right out the window in bed, doesn’t it? The honorable part.”

   He smirked and sniffed in amusement. “Depends on the day.”

   I missed having his body against mine, his hard chest against my back, his cock inside of me from behind, how it felt so damn good sometimes that I ended up slamming my fist against the wall I was pinned against.

   I wanted it again.

   But I needed to put my desire on the back burner. There was something else much more important going on here.

   “I’m not afraid of you,” I repeated, my smile dimming just a little. “I’m afraid of me. Of the mess that I am, the mess I might always be. Whenever things I’ve come to depend on go away or end, it kicks my ass. I don’t want you to be collateral. You deserve a nice, sane girl.”

   For once, I wasn’t just thinking of me. I was thinking of him wasting his time on me, wasting his efforts on me, only to be hurt in the end because I was fucking broken. Incapable of a normal relationship, as much a I wanted to try with him.

   He scooted close to me, lifting my legs, and then shifting me around so that he could press himself against my side. He slid a strong arm around me and I unconsciously melted against him, rounding his torso with my good arm. That hug I gave him when he arrived had made my shoulder start to ache again.

   “I’d rather you be afraid of me, honestly.”

   I snorted softly. “Look, whether I’m afraid of you or me or anybody else, I am glad we talked. I’m glad this is…different.”

   He pulled back a little and looked at me through his eyelashes. “Are you?”

   “Yes. Gave me a little confidence that I’m able to push aside my fears enough to take this step—as small as it is. And I feel more honest now. Like we’re more honest. This between us.”

   He nodded, a smile growing on his face. “On the note of honesty, however, I gotta ask. Do you think the sex will be as good now that we’ve opened this up?”

   I laughed hard enough that my ribcage stung, causing me to wince and gently put a hand there.

   He hissed through his teeth. “Sorry. Sorry sorry. Wait, your ribs, too?”

   “A little bruised. I’ll be okay,” I said through a clenched jaw. Once the pain edged away, I breathed in slowly. “I think the sex might end up being a bit better. Though, that’s apparently not a theory we can test at the moment.”

   Chuck cleared his throat and shook his head. “Right. We can’t. Injuries.”

   “Thank you, Chuck.”

   “You’re welcome. Though the ice is a little bit melty now…” He lifted the bag of melting ice and shook it, getting droplets of water on his jeans.

   “No—I mean, that too, but I was talking about all of this. I still get the feeling like you’re making a sacrifice here…I know you want more than I’m capable of right now.” I let my voice fade, looking at him through my eyelashes.

   “Hey, the fact that you’re willing to try means a lot. It’s more than I deserve.”

   I shook my head vehemently. “That’s bullshit. You deserve way, way more than this. More than me.”

   “I could respond to that, detailing how much of a bad ass you are, and how unbelievably beautiful that face of yours is, and how I’m fairly certain no one in the world has a body as fantastic as yours, your raw sexuality, your intelligence—both book smarts and street smarts, ummmm…I mean, I could go on. But if I did, we’d just get into an argument and it’d last until the sun comes up. So…I won’t.” But he just did. I was too tired to argue, so instead I just giggled quietly. I reached up to gently tug on the collar of his shirt fondly. “Plain and simple, Sarah Walker, I want you. I don’t want anybody else.” He caught his lip between his teeth and wrinkled his nose. “Um, also, I’ve come to depend on the constant, amazing sex. I swear to God, going to work has never been so easy. I used to want to murder some of my coworkers, strangle the worst of the customers. I spend a night with you, and the next day I’m miraculously patient and tolerant. Like nothing can bug me.” He made a face. “Not entirely true. One day, I might actually give Lester Patel a roundhouse kick to his head.”

   I laughed, careful of my ribs this time.

   “These last 5 weeks have been verging on excruciating and I cannot wait to get back in the saddle. As it were.”

   “They’ve been awful,” I breathed, and damn me for the tingle between my legs. I squirmed a little. “Are you sure you don’t want me in the saddle? I know you’re particularly fond of that…”

   He scoffed. “Please. Don’t act like you don’t love being on top as much as I love you being on top.”

   I twisted my lips to the side. “Guilty.”

   But this line of conversation was getting to be a little much, considering the bruise on my shoulder, my ache under my arm from the crutch I used all day, my throbbing ankle, sore ribcage. I knew we couldn’t act on our words just yet and that would make this even more difficult.

   And anyways, it was already too late. My body ached for a completely different reason, and it had everything to do with the thought of him between my thighs.

   “We should stop talking like that.”

   “Why?” he asked, raising his eyebrows innocently.

   “Because I’m imagining riding you right now and my injuries aren’t very conducive to that.”

   He let out a long breath of air and thumped his head against the glass. I could see he had an erection, and as I shifted my leg, I felt it against my thigh, so hard and thick. “Shit, you’re right. I’m sorry. Let’s talk about…um…Weather. It’s been kind nippy outside lately. Crap, now I’m thinking about nipples.”

   I laughed, shaking my head at him. “Nerd.” Then I paused. “I’m actually a little rundown anyway. Maybe I’m gonna try to get a bit of sleep, with try being the operative word.”

   Chuck’s smile made me feel calm again. “Good idea. I’m sure you didn’t get much last night.”

   “Uh, no. No, I didn’t. And I don’t really plan on it tonight, either.” And not for the reason I really, really wanted it to be. Sleepless nights because of sex were in my future, I knew, but not tonight. Other things were in my future, too. Dates, maybe? Was that what we’d just agreed on? Dating without calling it dating?

   “Why not?” he asked.

   “I don’t feel…as comfortable here,” I admitted, shyly tucking my hair behind my ear. “Ever since I found out he broke in a couple of times without me knowing, spying on me, learning all of this stuff about me, I’ve been…” I sighed. “Nervous.”

   “That’s what I’m here for, though. You can sleep while I keep watch.”

   I gave him a flat look. “Chuck, that’s nice, but I’m not letting you stay awake like a freaking bodyguard because I’m scared of sleeping in my own place. That’s not fair.”

   “Okay, fine. But doesn’t it make you feel better knowing someone’s here?”

   It made me feel better knowing Chuck was here in particular. “Yes.”

   “Cool, then it’s settled. I’m staying the night.” I didn’t really have a chance to say anything to that, because he gingerly eased himself out from under me and stood to his full height. And God damn it, his erection was so evident under his jeans, right at my eye level. I forced myself to meet his gaze instead.

   “Chuck, you don’t—You don’t have to stay here. You’ve done enough.”

   “What you need is some sort of distraction.” Suddenly I was hoisted into his arms, having to cling to his shoulders with a soft, surprised yelp.

   “What are you doing?”

   “Taking you to bed.” I must have given him a look because he chuckled. “I mean, I’d love to, gumshoe, really. But I meant so that you can get some sleep.”

   “I guess that works, too.” But my body was hurting for him. It was also hurting in general, which was why I was letting him carry me. I wrapped my good arm a little tighter around him and squeezed myself closer, hugging him, burying my face in his neck. Fuck, this really felt so safe. Safer than I’d ever felt.

   Even that hug my dad gave me when I was a kid, the last hug I ever got from him probably, when he picked me up from the Millers after it happened, as safe as I’d felt then, it didn’t compare to this. What if Chuck was the answer to all of this? What if I didn’t have to be so terrified of being hurt by him?

   He gently put me down on my bed, helping me, propping the pillows behind me and moving the sheets out from under my body to tuck them over me. “Chuck, you don’t have to be a nurse, you know. I’m not an invalid.”

   “I’m just helping you out, ‘cause I can. Let me have this, Walker. Jesus!” he teased, and I giggled.

   “Thank you.”

   I was secretly pleased that he seemed perfectly at ease climbing over me and plopping onto the other side of the bed, untying his sneakers and toeing them off before stretching out next to me and sighing.

   He squirmed, looking a bit like a kid. Well, sort of… He was still 6’4” and broad shouldered and covered in muscles that looked like they were sculpted by living an active life, rather than by lifting weights in a gym 7 days a week.

   I shut my eyes and sighed, trying to will away the ache where my thighs met. 5 weeks. I just wanted to hear him sigh my name in that certain way when he was in ecstasy. I wanted his hot skin under my hands. What I really wanted in my hands was now a pronounced bulge under his jeans.

   “You know,” he said, and I nearly sighed in relief. The tension in me eased a little. Maybe him being in my bed was a little too much. “This new direction we’re going in might be slightly easier to explain to my sister.”

   I nearly broke my neck turning to look at him. I schooled my features before he looked back at me. “Oh, yeah?” I asked, doing my best project a nonchalant air about myself.

   “Mhm.”

   “How, um, how did that go by the way? Well, I mean, we…you know, the last 5 weeks…”

   “Ah. Yes. She honestly asks about you less than I figured she would. I don’t know. I think maybe she’s just a little confused by it. I didn’t say ‘Ellie, she’s my fuck buddy’, not in those words. But I explained to her the way it was. It probably made her a little unsettled.” He wrinkled his nose.

   “I can imagine so. After all, you’re her little brother. I don’t have siblings, but if I did, it’d probably gross me out a little to think of them having lots of sex.”

   I shifted to face him better as he snorted.

   “That’s part of it, I’m sure. But it’s also just sort of out of character for me. To attach myself to someone in a purely physical way, without…uh, a romantic relationship being there. That’s not typically my thing. The other women I’ve been with, all of whom she met, have not been that type, either.”

   Did I qualify as that type to him, I found myself wondering? The type of woman who had no qualms about fucking purely for the sake of fucking…? I wasn’t sure if I was offended or not.

   “Ah. That makes sense. So what did you say about…you know, about all this?”

   “Our…break-up?” He winced as he said it and I found myself inwardly wincing as well. “She kinda figured it out on her own. I was, uh, admittedly moping. Without realizing I was moping. She didn’t needle me too much, just gave me a hug. Still looked a little…uh…boggled by the whole thing.” He shrugged.

   “She probably hates me.”

   “She doesn’t. I’ve seen what she’s like when she hates my girlfriends and trust me, she doesn’t hate you.”

   I furrowed my brow at him. “Has she hated your girlfriends?”

   “Oh God yeah. She hides it well until they break my heart, and then she goes full She-Hulk. My college girlfriend, the one who cheated on me before I graduated? I flirted with the idea of telling her to get a restraining order against Ellie. I thought my sister might murder her.”

   That made me laugh. It was sweet in a slightly psychotic way. Chuck had someone to protect him, someone who loved him unconditionally, someone who’d been here all this time for him as he grew up. And I found myself wondering again where his parents were in all of this.

   “Well, it won’t go well if she tries to attack me.”

   “Oh, trust me, she knows you’re a detective. She’d never. She’s a force of nature, yeah, but I’m starting to think there isn’t a person in the world who could take you on, gumshoe.”

   Warmth spread through me at that. “I’m gonna ask you to come over here and kiss me. I’d do it, but I’m injured.”

   He chuckled and rolled over, careful not to burden me with his full weight. His lips brushed against mine ever so gently and I found myself sighing, reaching up with my good hand to drag my fingers through his hair. Oh, yes…

   We kissed slowly, rediscovering how good it felt to touch again, to be intimate like this. I didn’t know how much time passed, but I didn’t care. I’d craved the sweetness of his gentle touch. I hadn’t even known I craved it these past 5 weeks. It was the way he touched me—without pawing at me like I belonged to him, the way men in my past had. He didn’t grope. When Chuck’s touch was demanding, I demanded right back.

   I tightened my hold on his curls eventually, pulling him a little closer, kissing him harder. Sure, the bruise on my jaw didn’t like that so much. But I worked past it and kept my lips moving against his, opening my mouth, silently begging for his tongue.

   He granted my silent wish and swept his tongue over mine, and the kiss deepened that much more.

   Then he pulled back just a bit, catching my bottom lip between his, then nipping at it teasingly with his teeth. And just like that, his mouth was against mine again, open and hot, demanding.

   I moaned softly and dragged my hand down to his shirt, clenching my fist in it over his shoulder and growling a little.

   We broke apart for air and I let go of his shirt, moving my hand around and dipping it down between us. I found the button of his jeans and popped it open. He gasped, pulling back to look down at what I was doing.

   “Sarah, we can’t. You’re still hurt.”   “That’s sweet, Chuck,” I said, smiling mischievously, breathing a little hard. “But this arm is perfectly fine. So is this hand.” To emphasize that, I slid his zipper down. “Just keep kissing me and let me do this. Please,” I whispered against his lips, my eyelids half closed as I peered up at him.

   Chuck groaned and shook his head.

   “You do want it, don’t you?” I asked, giving him my best doe-eyed look.

   “Pfft. I’m not gonna deny it. It’s just that it’s kind of one-ssnnng that feels good,” he rasped. I had my hand tucked inside of his pants, squeezing, rubbing my palm over his hardness. “One-sided,” he finally finished.

   “I’m okay with that.”

   “Are you?” he growled, his eyebrow going up in amusement.

   “Mhm.” I gave him another squeeze and his hips jerked as he let out a soft “Ah!”

   I grinned and bumped his nose with mine, hungry for the sound of his pleasure, wanting the feel of his heated hardness under my hand. So I shoved my hand down the front of his boxers and found his cock, wrapping my fist around it and tightening my grip.

   “Yes,” he gasped. “God, I really do want this,” he admitted, and he claimed my lips hard, moving his hand up to cup my cheek.

   I giggled into the kiss and slowly moved my fist up and down over his shaft, applying just enough pressure to drive him mad.

   It was getting a little difficult to properly pump him with his jeans still in my way. I pulled my lips back for a moment and panted. “Pants in the way.”

   He made a soft grunt and then he rolled to the side, pushing his pants and boxers down eagerly. He only moved them far enough to give me access to his cock, too desperate for my touch to waste time pushing them down and kicking them off all the way. He was so desperate, he didn’t even push them past his ass.

   He was back against me before I could even smirk about it and I reached down to take him in my fist again.

   I took my time, watching the look on his face as I gave him a hand job. It would be much easier if I had both hands or my mouth to double down on my efforts. But he wasn’t complaining, whimpering my name softly as I started to speed up.

   I slowed again, running my thumb over the tip, twirling it a little to stimulate him.

   “Ahhh. Sarah…” He clenched his bottom lip between his teeth, thrusting into my hand, but I could tell he wanted to say something. Maybe he just wanted something from me. So I prompted him.

   “Tell me what you want, Chuck. Tell me.” I squeezed his shaft and dragged my fist up before dragging it back down again. He shivered under my touch and groaned. “Please tell me.”

   “Make me come,” he breathed. “I wanna come so bad.”

   And then he moved down to kiss me, opening his mouth as his tongue swiped over mine.

   I moaned and took him in a steady grip.

   I pumped him hard, my fingers making a soft fwap sound as they slid over his shaft, and I felt his pre-cum on my hand. I slowed for a bit, really stroking him, tightening my hold, feeling the throbbing veins in his thick cock underneath my fingers.

   Then I pumped again, jerking my hand back and forth over his slick shaft. It wasn’t entirely comfortable for my ribs, as it turned out, but I kept going.

   His chest heaved and he groaned my name, tilting his head to look up at the ceiling and rolling his eyes. He thrusted gently as I jerked him off, opening his mouth in ecstasy.

   “Fuck yes. I’m almost there. Oh, I can feel it. Shit!” He let out a strangled cry and I knew he was on the very edge. “That’s it,” he panted. “Fuck, keep going. Keep—Ah fuck!”

   He came, his body tightening, his cock throbbing in my fist. I caught most of it with my hand as I covered the tip with my palm to keep my bed from getting the worst of it.

   And even though he’d just climaxed, Chuck rolled to his feet, wobbled a little, and grabbed a few tissues from the nightstand, hurriedly wiping his cock and giving me some so that I could clean off my hand. I dabbed at the bit that ended up on the mattress, glad it didn’t leave a spot, and let him take the used tissues from me to toss in the bathroom trash.

   When he came back, his boxers and pants back in place, he looked like he had half a mind to jump onto the bed. But he caught himself, probably because he remembered about my injuries. And instead, he crawled carefully onto the bed.

   “Oh mannnnn,” he groaned. “I missed you.” Then he blushed. “Sorry. I mean, I missed…You know what? No. I did miss you.” He turned onto his side and looked at me. “I’m not ashamed to say it. And I won’t apologize for the way I feel about you. If we’re going to turn the page on this relationship, you’re going to have to deal with me being less filtered.” He shrugged.

   “That was a little…” I paused.

   “Harsh? Maybe a little.” Chuck shrugged again. That wasn’t really what I was going for, but it worked, I supposed. “You’re scared and I’m not going to judge you for that. Like I already told you. But you also know what I want, and how I feel. I shouldn’t have to try to shove all those feelings into a tiny box deep down inside of me when I’m around you. I mean, obviously, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. That’s not what I’m trying to do here. Really, it’s not. But I also think it isn’t fair for me to have to tiptoe and filter myself.” He looked away thoughtfully and then gave me one of his intense stares again. “You’re protecting you and I’m protecting me.”

   I shrugged. Made sense.

   “I want to get past my hang-ups,” I said quietly. “I want to be like normal people, who like someone and can date them without feeling terror at the thought of…being with another person, trusting someone. I want that, Chuck.”

   “Hey, everyone has hang-ups about different things. You want to know more about me? Let’s start with this: I am afraid of heights.”

   I couldn’t help giving him a look of disbelief. “You’re afraid of heights? And you being so tall…”

   “I’m not that tall!” he exclaimed, chuckling. “I fell out of this kid’s treehouse when I was little and ever since then, I’m just… Me and airplanes aren’t even friends. If you can believe that.”

   His situation and my situation weren’t all that similar, but of course he wouldn’t know that. And I knew he was trying to make me feel like I wasn’t alone, like I wasn’t as abnormal as I thought. I appreciated that. I appreciated him. And how inherently kind he was. Always so thoughtful.

   I reached up to fix the collar of his shirt with the same hand I’d just used to jerk him off, and then I gently pulled him down for a soft kiss. “I want you to be honest. As long as you’re okay with me being totally honest.”

   “I’d prefer that, actually.”

   “Good.” I took a deep breath. And then I said, “Because I really missed you, too.”

Notes: Huge step forward for Sarah and Chuck. Bigger than you guys know at this point in time. I will try to get the next chapter out sooner than I did this one.
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Just A Game