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Hunting Humanity VII	By : greenwizard11 Category: Supernatural > Slash - Male/Male Views: 1262 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Supernatural universe. No money is being made from this story.

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Sam was cleaning up the breakfast dishes while talking to Becky on the phone. “Becky, I don’t have the time or the patience for any of this. No, that’s not what I’m trying to do. You read all those books, fire up a brain cell and put two and two together. No, it isn’t any of your business what I’ve got going on. The only reason I have to deal with you at all is because you got yourself knocked up on purpose. You know what, do me a favor and go to hell,” he hung up on her.

Liam smiled down at Rayna in his arms. “Daddy is cranky this morning.”

Sam sighed and finished loading the dishwasher. “You wanted to shoot her after five minutes with her, so yeah, dealing with her makes me cranky.”

“What did she want?”

Sam turned the machine on and joined Liam and his daughter at the table. “Exactly what I was afraid of. She wants visitation, and she doesn’t want to deal with Natalie. She is insisting that I bring Nathan to her personally one weekend a month.”

“Which with our chaotic schedules is impossible to do.”

“And I tried explaining that to her. I can’t exactly go in front of a judge and explain all of this though, and she knows it.”

“You know, you better make it through this whole trial business in one piece. If you don’t, you do realize that little boy goes back to his mother. Without you Natalie has no legal standing to keep him.”

“I talked to her about that. You know Becky getting her hands on Nathan is the last thing I want. She said she’ll fight, hire high priced lawyers to find every dirty legal trick and good argument in the book. Though, she said it might be easier if Dean was willing to be the one to fight, him being a blood relative and all.”

“What do you need me to do?” Dean came in.

Sam looked up at his brother. “If anything should happen to me, use Natalie’s backing to fight for custody of Nathan on the grounds that Becky is still an unfit mother. Being a blood relative you’ll have more legal pull.”

Dean gave a little nod. “Nothing is going to happen to you, but on the off chance it does, of course I will. He’s my nephew and he doesn’t deserve that bitch. Personally, I think she should be sterilized because no kid deserves that wacko.”

Sam chuckled. “No argument here.”

Dean’s phone rang and he answered it. “Hey, Kev. What? What’s wrong? Okay, just hold on tight we’re on our way.”

“I’ll call the nanny,” Sam dug out his phone. “And we can’t leave until either Karen gets here or Natalie comes back.”

Liam’s nose wrinkled. “Dean, go pack. I’m thinking I need to change a diaper, then I’ll be right behind you.”

“You sure you don’t want me to do that?” Sam offered.

“Sam, I think I can handle changing a diaper.”

As soon as the nanny arrived they floored it all the way to the houseboat. Dean knocked on the metal door. “Kevin, open up! Kevin!” Kevin opened the door holding an iron skillet. “Whoa! Jeez. What's going on?”

“It’s him,” Kevin seemed freaked.

“It’s who?” Sam asked.

“Crowley.”

“What about him?” Dean looked worried.

“He's in my head. Do you know what that means?”

“Yeah, it means we need to up your anxiety meds,” Dean said as they stepped inside. “Kevin, you're dreaming. Look, if Crowley knew where you were, he'd do a hell of a lot more than mess with your head.”

“Alright, where's Garth?” Sam asked.

“On a case, or the dentist. I don't know. I haven't heard from him.”

Dean nodded. “Okay, well, what did you want to tell us that you couldn't say on the phone? Would you put the frying pan down, please?”

Kevin lowered the pan onto the stove. “I translated the second trial from the tablet.”

“You crazy Prophet, you. Nice work!” Dean smiled at him.

“And if Crowley's in my head, he knows.”

“He's not in your head, Kevin,” Sam tried to assure him. “It's okay. Just... We know you're distressed. Just stay with us, alright? What's the second trial?”

“An innocent soul has to be rescued from hell and delivered unto heaven.”

Sam’s jaw dropped a little. “Rescue a soul from hell? Like actually... Go to hell? How do you get a soul unto heaven? I mean, how do you even get a soul out of hell?”

“Accidentally drop the key to their cell inside the cell,” popped out of Liam’s mouth.

“What?” Dean gave him a funny look.

“I don’t know, just popped out.”

Dean sighed. “Somehow I don’t think that’s gonna work for us. We're gonna need an expert.”

They found the nearest crossroads, and after painting a huge devil’s trap over the whole area, they summoned a demon. A black man appeared behind them. “Winchesters,” he sneered.

“What happened to the hot chicks?” Dean joked.

“I'm out of here.”

“Maybe not,” Sam looked down.

They took him to an abandoned building and tied him to a chair in another devil’s trap. “I ain't got nothing,” he snarled. Dean poured some holy water on him. “Bite me!”

“Well, then how about another owie?” Dean poured more on him.

Sam crossed his arms. “You know, wouldn't it be a lot easier just to tell us how to enter hell, uh, uninvited?”

“Guys,” Liam interrupted. “Why don’t you two wait outside for a minute, let us have a little man to demon chat?”

Dean seemed a little bothered, but nodded. “If you insist.”

They stood outside for about three minutes before Liam came out. “We need to find ourselves a rogue reaper apparently.”

“It’s a little scary when you do stuff like that,” Dean admitted.

Liam frowned. “You still love me don’t you? You said I was handy to have around.”

Dean pulled Liam in to kiss his forehead. “Of course I still love you, every weird bit of you. It’s just that it usually it takes a while to break a demon. You have them singing like canaries in five minutes or less. Don’t get me wrong, saving all that time is a huge help. It’ll just take me a little while to digest the fact.”

They drove into town and parked on the street across the road from a taxi. They got out and Dean approached the driver. “Ajay. Need to talk to you for a sec.”

“You know my name,” Ajay seemed surprised.

“And what you do,” Sam confirmed. “We want to do business.”

Ajay looked like they had turned green. “But you are mortal, flesh and blood.”

“But if we wanted to cross the border into hell-”

“Visitor's pass,” Dean felt the need to clarify.

“No one wants to get into hell.”

“But could you do it?” Sam asked.

“It's possible. But I have special skills. I have overhead. It will be pricey.”

“How pricey?” Dean asked.

“You three are resourceful. One day, you will owe me a favor.”

“You say that like you know us,” Sam said.

“Of course. You're the Winchesters.”

“Sorry. Have we met?” Dean asked.

“I am the reaper who took Bobby Singer to hell.”

Sam’s eyebrows raised. “Bobby in hell? We burned his bones. Once we did that, it was over. End of story.”

“Not necessarily.”

Dean shook his head. “No, because, see, Bobby was on the good side of things, and good guys go to the penthouse.”

“Usually, mostly. Depends on who you know, what palms get greased. If you're on the King of Hell's no fly list, no way you cruise the friendly skies.”

Dean sighed. “Crowley. Okay, let's do this. How much for three tickets down and four back?”

“Dean, come here,” Sam motioned his brother away. “What the hell are you thinking?”

“You heard the guy, Bobby's in hell. We're gonna spring him.”

“We've gone over this, Dean. I have to do the trials solo.”

“This is Bobby we're talking about, Sam. Now let's face it, you have not exactly been up to full speed lately, okay? We got one shot at this. We can't miss.”

“I'm not gonna miss. I'm in, just me.”

Liam hit the pavement and Astiratu appeared beside Sam. “Yeah, that’s not going to work for me.”

“A little warning when you do that!” Dean went to go check Liam’s body.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Sam looked at the half angel a little irritated.

“Um, protecting my own interests. Sam, let’s put this into prospective. The tablet says you have to ultimately do it, but there’s nothing saying you can’t have a little assistance. You are trying to go to a very dangerous place that I go to often when I’m bored. Let me be your guide.”

“Um...” Ajay gave Astiratu a nervous look.

Astiratu let out a little sigh. “Don’t do anything freaky and you’re fine. I only bite when I’m scared.”

Sam chuckled. “You scared? I’d pay to see that.”

“Hey… When they look… like they sometimes look and they’re coming at you, it’s a little unnerving.”

“So, how does all this work exactly?” Dean asked.

“Not to fret. They’ll be back in exactly twenty four hours time. Return for them then.” Then Ajay motioned for them to follow him into an alley. “Take my hand,” he held out both hands.

“And it gets creepier,” Sam mumbled as he took the reaper’s hand. Once they were ready the walls started to shake and a door painted on a wall started glowing. Suddenly they were sucked into the light and when everything came back into focus they were standing in a forest. “So, this is hell?” Sam looked around.

“Not even close,” Astiratu eyed Ajay.

“This is Purgatory,” Ajay answered.

Sam was a little upset. “What do you mean this is Purgatory? This isn't what I paid for. I booked the hell tour.”

“Whoa, Winchester, detach. This is hell adjacent. Been down this highway many times before. Follow the stream to where three trees meet as one. Where they meet, there are rocks. Between the rocks is the portal. A back door to hell. Trust me, it'll work.”

“Wait. So you're not coming with us?”

“Don't be ridiculous. Smuggling a mortal across the border is risky enough. But gate crashing a Winchester into hell seriously blows. No. I'll be back in twenty four hours precisely. Be here.” With that he disappeared.

They started down the stream as instructed. After a little while they heard a branch snap. Something came out and attacked them. Astiratu ripped its head off pretty easily. “It’s a good thing you like me,” Sam commented.

“Yes, it is. Look there,” he pointed a little ways away from the stream. “I think that’s our portal.”

They went over to it and Sam moved a rock out of the way and a breeze started blowing through the hole. “It's a rabbit hole. This is nuts.”

“Yeah, but nuts is what we do,” Astiratu offered a hand.

Sam took it and they entered together. Suddenly they were standing in a very dimly lit corridor, sounds of moaning and screaming echoing off the walls. “This must be it,” Sam looked around.

“It is. Now, you stand here and wait just one second.” Astiratu disappeared, but was back quickly holding a key on a chain. “Can’t bust a soul out without this.”

Sam seemed impressed. “You knew where that was, didn’t you?”

“What part of when I get bored I come down here for entertainment did you not understand? Dangling this thing in front of some idiot and then jerking away as they try to snatch it desperately can make for a few hours of fun. Just don’t drop it because everybody gets mad at you then.”

Sam shook his head. “You really are kind of a dick.”

“I can be. Just, for your own sanity, don’t look around too much. Let me find Bobby.”

Sam gave a little nod and followed his guide through the halls until they came to one door. Astiratu unlocked it and Sam went in to find Bobby standing facing the wall. “Bobby?”

Bobby decked him. “Get the hell out of here, you black eyed son of a bitch!”

“What? Bobby, it's Sam.”

“Yeah, and I'm Elvis. Move your ass!”

“It's me! Okay, damn it. If it's not Sam... Then how do I know all about you and Tori Spelling?”

“What?” Bobby seemed very surprised by that.

“You're a fan. Yeah. Or, uh... Okay. What about your free pedicure at the Mall of America? You made Dean swear to never tell another living soul how it changed your life.”

“Now there’s an interesting picture,” Astiratu leaned against the door frame.

“Sam?” Bobby pulled him into a hug. “I'm sorry, Sam, but you're the two hundredth Sam I've seen today. That's how they screw with me. Just endless Sams and Deans all wearing the same black eyes. Wait a minute. What the hell are you doing here? Please don't tell me it's what I think it is.”

“No, Bobby, I'm good. I... I'm here to get you. You don't belong here, Bobby. And we're getting you out.”

“Have they shown you my pretty face yet?” Astiratu asked out of curiosity.

“I think your name and likeness are an extremely insulting curse down here,” Bobby answered.

The half angel chuckled. “As well it should be. Alright, back to the portal. This way gentleman.” They walked down through the halls, and when they were almost back to the portal they ran into a group of demons. “Oh look, entertainment,” Astiratu smirked and his gold sword appeared in his hand. Two of the demons took off running and the half angel tore into the third, demon blood splattering on the wall. “Why does nobody ever wanna play with me in this dump?” he sighed.

Bobby eyed what was left of the demon. “Can’t imagine.”

“Okay, here we are. Everybody hold hands?”

They jumped through and were back in Purgatory. “What the hell is this?” Bobby looked around.

“Alright, don't get all pissed off. Purgatory,” Sam answered.

“Balls!” Bobby grumbled.

“Don’t worry, someone is coming to get us. Let’s go.”

They started walking and Sam filled Bobby in on everything that had happened. “So, how many more of these trials after this?” Bobby asked.

“Just one. Don't know what it is, though. Kevin's still translating.”

“I ain't got a lot of rust. Just feels so good to be back in action again. Might be handy if you had me around to help.”

“Bobby, I'd love that, believe me. The thing is, for this trial to be completed your soul has to enter heaven. And besides, if that weren't the case, we burned your bones, Bobby. There's nothing to tie your spirit to earth.”

“Yeah, well... You know, I always figured that'd be the end of it. You know, just a hunter's funeral. Zip. Nothing. And I was okay with that. Imagine my surprise.”

“Well, I guess if there has to be an eternity, I'd pick heaven over hell.”

“Yeah. Because there's nothing screwy going on up there,” Bobby said sarcastically.

“I wish I made the rules.”

“Well I'll, uh, do my part, get to the end of this, but... I ain't exactly the retiring type, so, you idjits figure out a way to spring me.”

“Yeah. No, of course.” Sam stopped and looked around. “This is it. This is the place. I'm sure of it.”

“Where your cabbie's supposed to meet you?”

“Yeah. At exactly... now,” Sam looked at his watch.

“So, he's running a little late.”

“No, see, that's the thing. He was very specific, Bobby, like, to the minute.”

“And if he doesn't show?”

“We got no way out.”

“There’s always the exit Dean mentioned.” Astiratu pointed out.

“Do you know where it is?” Sam asked.

“No. I’ve never been here before.”

“So, Dean spent a year in this place?” Bobby asked.

Sam nodded. “Running and fighting, all day, every day.”

“Must have been hell on you not being able to get him out all that time. You did try?”

Sam and Astiratu just kind of looked at each other a moment. “We wanted to,” Sam tried to explain. “But neither of us knew where he was, let alone where to even begin.”

Before more could be said a group of vampires attacked. Weapons appeared in everyone’s hand and they tried to fight them off. Two were on Sam, but one was pulled off by the sudden appearance of Benny who ripped the vampire’s throat out and stood up with fangs still bared. Bobby moved to attack him but Sam grabbed him. “Bobby, no, wait! Wait! Why are you here?”

“Dean sent me,” Benny answered.

“Dean? Not my Dean,” Bobby seemed unsettled.

“He's a buddy of Dean's, Bobby,” Sam explained.

“Another frigging vampire? Well, you two really went off the rails while I was gone, didn't you?”

“I’m guessing Dean sent you because you know where the escape hatch is,” Astiratu guessed.

“That would be right. Do I know you?”

“Sort of. You’ve met me in my human body.”

“Oh, Liam? Yeah, well, ain’t this a hoot you looking like that...”

“I didn’t design myself. Anyhow, do me a favor since I have no desire to spend a year here. Take my hand, close your eyes, and think about the location of the portal.”

“And what are you going to do?”

“Probe you. There are advantages to being me.”

“This should be interesting,” Benny took his hand and did as asked.

After a minute Astiratu waved Sam and Bobby over. “Okay, so, lets all join hands in a circle and sing.”

“What?” Bobby’s eyes narrowed.

“If you want out of here just do it.”

They all joined hands and everything shimmered around them before going black. They reappeared in a different spot. Sam swooned a bit. “That was definitely interesting.” He turned to Benny. “Hey, Benny, listen, I know you saved my brother's ass a few times down here, and I respect that.”

“Yeah, and now I'm trying to save yours. You know, I'm a disgrace to my own people. Yeah, this is the spot.”

“Is that it?” Bobby pointed toward a flickering blue portal not far off.

“Yeah, that's it.”

Sam turned to Bobby. “Yeah. Alright, Bobby, here it goes. When we get to earth and I release you, it's an express straight to heaven. No time for goodbyes.”

“Already said goodbye to you once, Sam. Didn't seem to take. No reason to think I won't see you again somewhere down the road. But if they give me a rocking chair up there, I'm raising hell.”

Sam took out a knife and cut his arm while saying a chant. He and Bobby grabbed each other’s arms and Bobby turned into a light that went into Sam’s arm through the cut. Then Sam turned to Benny. “Alright. Come on, Benny. It's your turn. Hurry up.”

A small group of vampires suddenly approached. “Benny. And still working with the Winchesters.”

“Time for you to go,” Benny patted Sam on the shoulder. “Go on. It's me they want. Go on. You just make sure you tell Dean I said goodbye. I was never any good up there anyway.”

Astiratu grabbed Sam by the arm and they made a run for the portal. There was a bright flash of light and they were suddenly standing in another forest. Dean was waiting for them and pulled Sam into a hug. “Purgatory, right? A real garden spot, ain't it? Did you get him out?”

Sam frowned. “Only Bobby.”

“What? I mean, that's fantastic about Bobby.”

“Dean, look, Benny, uh... He got us out. A bunch of vamps showed, and he used himself as bait. I get the feeling that even if that didn't happen, he didn't want to come back, you know? I'm sorry.”

“Not happy to see me?” Astiratu looked a bit put out.

“Of course I am,” Dean assured him.

“So uh, where’s my body?”

“In a hospital.”

“Peachy.”

“Yeah, well… When I found out Ajay had been killed and wasn’t going back to get you, I didn’t know how long it would take you to get back. Don’t get me wrong, I still love you just as you are, but I really wanted your body still alive when all was said and done. I’m attached to it. Anyway, let's put that old man where he belongs.”

Sam nodded and pulled his knife out again. He cut his arm while saying the incantation and a blue light flowed out and started rising into the sky. Then suddenly it turned a mix of red and black. “What the hell?” Sam’s eyes narrowed.

“Hello, boys,” Crowley appeared nearby. “Bobby Singer, I'd know you anywhere.”

“Let him go, Crowley. He doesn't belong in hell,” Dean growled.

“He does if I say he does. He's inflicted untold damage on my kind. From where I sit, actually, hell's too good for him.” Sam and Dean charged him and he flung them back into trees. Astiratu made Crowley fly back as well. “Really? You think you’re going to fix everything by flexing some muscle?”

“Yeah. Usually works for me. In case it has escaped you, Crowley, you’re a demon. I was designed to squish you.”

“At full power maybe. How much juice have you used up on your little adventure already?”

“But he’s not alone,” Naomi appeared by them.

“Oh, come on!” Crowley shouted.

“Let me see if I've interpreted the situation correctly. The Winchesters have freed an innocent from hell, to which you are wrongfully trying to return it.”

“Siding with them, Naomi? You don't know those three. Before they're done, we'll both be locked away.”

“I'm just hoping they lock you away, dear. The rest I'll figure out.”

“Bureaucrat. You're fighting outside your weight class.” Crowley huffed and disappeared.

Naomi raised her hand and Bobby’s soul turned blue again and floated up into heaven. “I told you you could trust me,” she said before disappearing.

“What the hell was that about?” Sam asked.

“I'll tell you later. Let's get this trial done.” Sam pulled the paper out of his pocket and read the incantation again. A bright light lit up his hand as before, and he fell to his knees screaming in agony for a minute. “Sam? What? Talk to me! What?” Dean grabbed his brother’s shoulder.

Sam took a few deep breaths. “It's okay. I'm fine. It's done.”

“Well,” Astiratu sighed. “I have a body to get back to. Don’t keep me waiting too long please.” He disappeared.

Sam and Dean walked back to where Dean left the car. Once they were back on the road Dean turned to his brother. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I'll live.”

“I buried Benny, but I didn't burn his bones. After he said he'd try to get you out of there, it just didn't seem right. I know you got no use for him, but...”

“You know what? I get it. I do. He's... He's a little different from what I thought. So, go ahead and leave the door open if you want.”

“Alright, well, let's go check in with Prophet boy and see where he stashed that tablet.”

They drove to the houseboat and knocked on the door. “Kevin? It's us,” Dean called out. They went in to a dark room with no one there. “Kevin?” Dean turned on the lights. The room was bare.

Sam swallowed hard. “Kevin? He's gone. He took all our stuff, his notes...”

“I saw this coming. Finally freaked. Little geek made a run for it.”

“Yeah, but where?”
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Hunting Humanity VII