• 1-I surrender ... I survive
• 2-2
• 3-3
• 4-4
• 5-Part 5

Title: I surrender … I survive (part 2)

Author: Mary Eve Parker

Feedback: ms.parker@gmx.at

Category: AU, Harm/Renee, Babyfic,
Harm/Mac?

Spoilers: None

Note: I put it into an alternative universe
because it doesn’t fit into anything else.

Rating: NC-17

~*~

I surrender … I survive

Part 2

~*~

The car was parked outside the cemetery. It
was cold and had rained just before the funeral. Mac had decided that she had
to go, to be sure about the decisions she had made, not that she doubted
anything.

Her overcoat barely hid her pregnancy
anymore; nevertheless she was standing at the very back of the group, leaning
against a big tree, her hands in her pockets, resting on the swell over her
belly.

“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust”, the
priest’s words were.

Harm was standing in the first row; next to
him were several women, the admiral, Harriet, Bud, Sturgis and all the others.
Mac didn’t feel comfortable.

She watched him throwing the dirt into the
open grave. He even shook hands with almost everybody but didn’t notice her,
thankfully.

“You have to be Sarah Mackenzie”, a woman
suddenly said from the side. Mac was startled. She only nodded in response.

The woman was at least seventy if not older
with white hair and a soft smile playing on her lips. She was dressed all in
black. Probably some family, Mac thought.

“How far along are you my dear? It’s not
good for you if you are out in the cold too long. You may catch a cold.”

“It won’t be long Ma’m”, Mac replied softly,
tears stinging in her eyes while she watched Harm standing at the open grave,
the gravestone noticeable. “Renee Rabb – beloved wife and mother”.

“Come on in Mac”, she further said and Mac
looked down at her. “Oh may I introduce myself. I am Sarah Rabb, Harm’s
grandmother.”

Mac tried to smile but it was impossible.
Harm sank down to his knees, obviously crying. The baby was nowhere in sight
Mac noticed.

“Come with me. I am sure Harm …”

“Thank you Mrs Rabb but I just can not.”

“Call me Grams like everybody does.”

“I can't.”

“You can Sarah, you can. I am sure that you
can,” she sight softly between sighs, “you’ve always been family for me because
he talked a lot about you.”

***

The next time Mac woke up on the sofa the
baby was gone and a blanket was put over her. Exhaustion must have made her
fall asleep; she couldn’t remember when it was. She slowly got up from the sofa
and looked at the table. There was a note.

Mac,

Please look after Tristan you are the
only one with whom he stays calm and isn't crying. You are playing the
mother-role you. Tristan has chosen you. He didn’t know his mother, and he
unfortunately rarely saw his father yet.

I don’t know you Mac and we only talked
for a little while at the funeral but I am sure that you will love this little
boy. You can call whenever you need help, financial support or anything like
t

Mac nodded in response. She knew Harm would
do that for every woman in his life, as soon as a baby on the way. He believed
in an intact family. A warm and caring home and the importance of a complete
family. Something she has never had. Something foreign to her. Something
unfamiliar.

Mac was sitting there staring at Harm’s
grandma. She had never had somebody talking honestly with her about all those
events. Harm tried to seem happy about the pregnancy and everything, all a
game.

They ate in silence and sat down on the
sofa together. Mac nursed Tristan and burped him over the shoulder and let him
cuddle against her motherly chest.

“he whe way, I really like your tattoo,”
Gram said with a smile on her lips. Mac just gasped. Her tattoo! “Yes, it’s
really a nice tattoo. I've never seen a woman with a tattoo like that, circled
around her nipple. Didn’t it hurt a lot?”

Mac just stared at her, not able to say a
word. Shocked. Hadn’t it been enough that she had seen her naked? But talking
about it was a little bit …

“Do not be ashamed Mac. I am sorry.”

“No I have to be sorry Gram. It’s just that
nobody ever …”

“It’s a wonderful rose arrangement. I have
never seen something like that before and I got a tattoo myself when I was
younger.” Mac only stared at her. Unbelievable. A grandma with a tattoo. “Just
because I am a great grandmother today Mac, doesn’t mean that I have never been
young. You know my husband loved tattoos and I got a rose on my butt on our
honeymoon.” Mac was still not abo sao say word. She had no clue what to say. “I
shocked you didn’t I?” Gram smiled.

There was a short pause before Mac replied,
“Yes I guess you did. There has never been somebody talking so openly with me”,
sadness filled her voice.

“You have to let the past be past Mac and
live for the future.”

“Easier said then done.”

“I know. But look at yourself. You have
Harm’s baby cuddled against your breast asleep, and you carry your own twins
inside yourself. And you came when you were asked to because we need you here.”

“I am only here because Harriet and the
Admiral thought I would be the only one who is able to talk some sense into
Harm. But I haven't even seen him yet.”

“Harm isn't himself at the moment.”

”But he always wanted a son. Now he should take care of him. I am not his
mother. I am not part of his parents. I am nobody to him.”

“Maybe things change and you need to be his
mother.”

“How that?”

“Nobody knows where Harm is, nobody. He
didn’t contact anybody yet. We do not know when he will be back. He had put a
letter of reassignment in today morning, the admiral just called. The Admiral
said he’s in Florida at the moment but nobody knows where and for how long.”
Gram took a deep breath, “Tristan needs a mother and we – so Trish and I – want
you to be it. We can not thing of anybody better. You can raise all three of
them together, even nurse …”

“He’ll be too old for that when mine are
born.”

“Don’t say that, try it. It’s just to give
him the feeling to be equal.”

Mac didn’t answer that one.

“I do not know why you tell me all this,
Gram. He will never be my son. I may take care of him but he is Renee’s.”

“He will probably never know if you do not
tell him.”

“It’s not up to me.”

“But you already love him.”

“How could I not? He has Harm’s …”

“You still love Harm, don’t you? Even after
all he has done,” she said with a deep sigh.

“Yes,” Mac ny why whispered.

Of course she loves him. She loved him
since they met in the rose garden. She couldn’t think of a day she didn’t love
him. But, the thing was, that she never felt like she was his type. He flirted
and teased her but he did it with every human being who was wearing a skirt.
She stopped counting the blond bimbos who came and left faster then she was
able to change her uniform. She always told herself that the main aspect in her
life would be to be a marine, to be a lawyer, and then maybe somewhere deep
inside be a woman, with feelings.

“But you left. You left him alone Mac,
why?”

“Because I couldn’t bear it anymore. I
never liked Renee and when he announced that they were becoming parents without
telling me that she came back at first … I felt betrayed. I felt sad, angry but
mainly betrayed. We worked so hard on our friendship and everything.”

“And I guess he doesn’t know that you are
pregnant.”

“No, of course not. I left in time. AJ …the
Admiral was the only person I told. He helped me in New York a lot.”

“He has told me so. He has also told me of
the three pictures you had placed over your fireplace. The ones which were
taken on the ball, the other from the embassy and one from you two and AJ
junior.”

“He has?”

“Of course. Trish doesn’t know but he told
me. He told me a lot over the last couple of days. He really deeply cares for
you Mac and he wants to see you happy. And we all know that you need Harm to be
happy.”

“He will be angry and furious with me. As
soon as he comes back I am leaving again. I don’t want a fight or anything. He
obviously isn't interested in his son so it is up to his family – you – to
decide what to do.”

Mac was going up and down in front of the
fireplace with the baby in her arms, still asleep soundly.

“I told you that we decided that we want
you to …”

“I can not Gram. He is Harm’s son. Harm has
to take care of him. He decided to get married to his bimbo. He didn’t use
protection fucking her … he made love to her …”, she stuttered and there the
point was reached where Mac broke down. She slowly moved to the floor, the baby
protectively in her arms and cried. She cried like she had never cried before.

Within seconds Sarah Rabb was behind her,
her arms around the young woman and pressed her shaking form into her small
body. One arm caressing her back with the other her hair and she let her cry.
Meekly Mac let the old woman hold her.

Gram knew that Mac was right. They couldn’t
let her raise the child against her will even if he had gotten used to her.
They had to think about a solution or a way to talk Mac into it. She already
loved the young woman like her own grandchild, her anxiety and fears were so
obvious.

“You have never told Harm how you feel
about him?” she asked softly.

“Of course not,” Mac replied within sobs.

“Maybe you should have.”

“The moment just never seemed right.”

“I know it never feels right till it’s too
late.”

Gram brought Tristan upstairs in the main
bedroom to let him sleep. He still wasn’t sleeping through the night. After
talking to Mac about her past she understood a lot of things - even why Mac
left, to protect herself from the pain of seeing her grandson with another
woman.

“Go to bed Mac, you need the few hours
Tristan lets you sleep. I will clean up here and sleep in the guestroom.”

“But the guestroom is where …”

“No you’re going to sleep in the main
bedroom tonight, please. You are the only one he stays calm with and I’d need
to wake you anyway if I …”

“Okay, but just for the night.”

“Where does he normally sleep?”

Mac looked, a little ashamed, up to Gram,
“in bed with me. It’s the easiest for my back.”

“Your back?”