In My Life

If you were in these arms tonight

I'd hold you

I'd need you

I'd get down on my knees for you

And make everything alright

If you were in these arms

I'd love you

I'd please you

I'd tell you that I'd never leave you

And love you till the end of time

If you were in these arms tonight

--Jon Bon Jovi



"Like I said, I came to in chains with a splitting headache. I undid the chains easily enough. Found out the room I was in was locked, but just as easily picked open. Soon as I stepped out, I got a face full of sea spray. I found myself on a ship out in the middle of the Mediterranean with no idea where we were going. Now, I'm a good swimmer, but not that good. A few deckhands caught me and started roughing me up. I'm proud to say I held my own for a while. Then the captain stepped in and told them not to damage the merchandise. Took me a while to figure out I was the merchandise. Got put back in chains and shoved into the cargo hold. A cabin boy came down later with some biscuits and water for me, but I just wasn't hungry.



"That was probably the first time in my life I ever felt close to panicking. I was trying to calm down and think straight. I knew there had to be some way out of this mess. I was worried about Joxer. I was afraid he'd think I just ran out on him. I made up my mind. I'd escape not just for myself, but for him too.



"Weeks later, we landed in Rome. As soon as we hit dry land, I tried to make a run for it, but no dice. About twenty sailors jumped me and put me in leg irons as well as cuffs. After that, they made sure I had at least two people watching me at all times. They even leashed me like some kind of animal! At the auction, they put me on the same block a pig had been on just seconds before. Adding further insult, they opened the bidding at just 80 dinars.



"Well, I was agile but not as strong as the average field slave. I didn't know enough Latin to be a pedagogue. I was rebellious and fought the whole way. I only had one good selling point and that's what the auctioneer used. I was bought by some nobleman named Furvus. He wanted a birthday present for his wife."



"For his wife?" Hercules had never heard of someone buying a body slave for a spouse.



"Yeah, Lucretia. Or The Creature as I thought of her. A turn out Furvus’ Mr. Happy wasn’t quite so happy anymore. Well, when I wasn't being The Creature's living dildo, she had me doing other tasks. Picking up her laundry, serving drinks to her friends, cleaning out her bathing pool. I was the ancient Rome equivalent of a cabana boy."



"Doesn't sound like you liked it."



"Remember that TV show they had back in the early 80's? /The Ropers/. Put Mrs. Roper in a toga and make her five times meaner and that would be Lucretia. I got her drunk one night and tried to escape. Got about as far as the docks when a sailor caught me trying to stow away on a ship. He turned me over to the captain. I was hoping maybe I could offer to work on the ship to pay for my passage back to Greece. Just my luck, the ship's captain happened to be a friend of Furvus' and he recognized me. Dragged me back kicking and screaming. The next day, Furvus gave me this." Autolycus rolled up the sleeve of his t-shirt to reveal a raised line of X's, V's and I's.



Hercules was horrified at the sight. "They branded you?"



"Yeah. I got an appointment with a dermetologist next week to get that lasered off. Once it heals over I'm getting a tattoo over it. Either a wolf or an eagle. I haven't decided yet." He rolled his sleeve back down.



"You still have that tattoo you got for Joxer?"



Autolycus pulled the neck of his t-shirt down to reveal the two nuzzling cats just above his heart. "I found out ink fades after a few decades. I get it retouched when I need it. Not the first one I got, y'know. Here's one I got retouched last year." He rolled up the cuff of his jeans and pulled down a sock to reveal a tattoo on his ankle of a dagger entwined with the thorny stem of a white rose. Greek letters spelled out the name "Malakos".



"In memory of your brother?" Hercules guessed.



"Yeah. I was 17, drunk off my ass and depressed. So, naturally I got tattooed. Went to Stu's Tattoo Hutt over on the Sunset Strip last week for the touch up. Stu did a good job retouching it. He asked me if I did it with a safety pin and charcoal. Considering how tattoos were done back in the day, he wasn't far off. Added color and detail. Touched up the lettering. Didn't speak a lick of Greek, but he did the lettering like I showed him. The little dew drop on the leaf was Stu's idea. He did a good job of piercing my nipples too."



"Piercing your what?"



"Thought it would look cool. I got another tattoo back in the 60's, but, I can't show it to you here. They're like potato chips. Can't have just one."



"We're off topic." said Hercules. "What happened to you in Rome?"



"Well, one of Furvus' field slaves died suddenly, so he had me replace him. Lucretia wasn't too happy with having her toy being put to work. Hard to say which was worse. Laboring in grain fields under the hot sun or being used by Lucretia. I was getting desperate, Hercules. I even broke down and prayed to Hermes for help. No answer. Big surprise."



"Well, gods aren't the most reliable of people." Hercules could commiserate. "Zeus has been the same way. Never there when I needed him, always there when I didn't."



"Say, what did he think of that one episode of /Xena/? You know the one I'm talking about."



"He hated it. I wasn't crazy about it either. I mean, since when do I willingly kill anybody?"



"Really." said Autolycus. "I mean, hello, he's your father! Even if you don't get along that well, you'd still be in a hurry with the furies breathing down your neck. What was the deal with Eve anyway? Or Livia, or who the hell ever."



"Lucy got pregnant." Hercules said matter-of-factly. "Had to write it in like they did the time Michael broke his wrist. I mean, this isn't /Seinfeld/. They couldn't hide her behind a sofa."



"What's with all these warlords?" Hercules laughed as Autolycus did a Seinfeld impression. "And why do they call them 'morning stars' when you can use them any time of the day? And didja ever notice how sharp swords are? What's with that?"



Hercules laughed and sighed. "Truth is, Zeus never really cared for either series. I think he was just mad that Anthony Quinn couldn't stay for the whole series. Being dead kinda gets in the way of things like that. But, let's stop talking about our deadbeat dads and get back to your story."



"Well, I was starting to consider turning my sickle on either myself or someone else. I looked up and saw Joxer just beyond the fence surrounding the field. I thought I was hallucinating. Then the overseer cracked his whip and...well, you know how Joxer is sometimes. Really brave, but not too bright."



"Ah. Tried to take on the overseer, right?"



"Yeah. Got a split lip for his trouble. He promised me he'd get me out somehow. I knew he would. I knew he'd at least try. He tried buying me from Furvus, but Furvus wasn't willing to sell. One day, one of the slaves gave me a note from Joxer. Most of the slaves either couldn't read Greek or just couldn't read period so the message was safe. It said to meet him in the wheat field at midnight. We came up with a plan together. While I was working the fields, I'd be sure to stay in the east perimeter. Joxer would set a fire in the west perimeter. That would start enough of a diversion for me to run off to the barn where he'd have a change of clothes, some lock picks and a horse waiting for me. Plan went through the next day. While the overseer and the other slaves were putting out the fire, I made a break for it. I rode north, hell bent for leather until the horse just stopped from exhaustion. I let it graze while I took off the shackles and tried to cover my tracks.



"I met up with Joxer as planned in the Appennino Valley." He sighed heavily. "Let me tell you, Hercules, I was never so happy to meet someone as I was that day. I was finally free. I had my Joxer back in my arms. I-I couldn't describe it."



"That's OK. I think I can imagine."



"He was risking a lot, you know. The penalty for letting a slave escape was crucifixion. By the way, you realize the writers on your show got crucifixion kinda wrong, right?"

"I thought about correcting them, but decided to let them have their way."



"I mean, really, 'Stick her on a cross and break her legs'? They broke your legs if they liked you. You'd die faster that way. And nails through the palms? I don't think so! The body would just fall off that way. Nail went right under the metatarsus." Autolycus illustrated his point by pointing to a spot on his inside wrist, just under the bony part. "Stuck just between the ulna and radius."



"It's due to Biblical mistranslation." said Hercules. "The Bible says Thomas wanted to see the hands of Christ* for himself. People misinterpret that to mean the Stigmata should appear on the palms of the hand. Horrible way to die. It was slow suffocation that could last for days. Joxer must have loved you a lot to risk that."



"You know that lute he loved so much? He sold it. Sold it hoping to get enough money to buy me back. Ended up spending the money on supplies that he hid in a cave he found. It became our home for a while. He dressed my wounds and cooked me the first really good meal I had in a while. We even found a natural hot springs deeper in the cave where we...well, never mind. You don't wanna hear about that.



"We hid out in the valley for a few weeks. It seemed so safe with all those mountains surrounding us. We knew we couldn't stay there forever. Neither one of us was much good at hunting and the supplies Joxer gathered in the cave would only last so long. So, we started going north by northeast, keeping to the mountain passes. We stopped in a mountain town called Foligno for a couple of nights. I stole some provisions for us and we were on our way again. We ran into a few bounty hunters along the way, but we got away from 'em. Hid out in Firenze for awhile. Did what we could to throw off the bounty hunters. Sold the two horses Joxer had stolen and bought new clothes. I shaved the 'stash and got a haircut. Joxer dyed his hair red. Looked good on him. I stole some horses that looked completely different from the ones Joxer got and we headed north again. Didn't stop for good until we reached the Alps." Autolycus smiled. "You ever make love in the snow, Hercules?"



"I...never really had the inclination too."



"Try it sometime. The trick is knowing what to keep covered."



"So, how come you never went back to Greece?"



"Oh, we talked about it. But, Furvus had a lot of friends in the shipping business. We wanted to wait until the heat was off before we tried jumping on a ship to anywhere. In the meantime, we traveled through the Helvetti region. Every once in a while I'd rob some baron's castle and Joxer and me would just move from one mountain town to the next. I once stole a lute for him, almost as nice as the one he sold. After a while, I guess we just didn't feel like leaving. We eventually left Helvetia when Joxer was almost 50. Poor Jox was afraid I was planning to leave him just because he was getting on in years and it was clear I wasn't gonna age past 35. He found out about some travel plans I made to Venice and got really upset. He didn't realize I planned on bringing him with me. Once he calmed down and I convinced him that I wasn't leaving him, I told him I chose Venice because I thought someplace warmer might be good for him. He had started getting a bit arthritic of late."



"I went through the same thing with Iolaus." said Hercules. "Once he started getting on in years, I had to convince him that I still loved him. Was still in love with him. He told me I'd be better off without him. Nothing was further from the truth. He was still fairly active in his later years. He was 100 when he died."



"One-hundred? Wow. I only got Joxer up to 80. He developed cataracts in his last decade. Just about every morning we'd take a stroll around Venice together and I'd describe everything to him. One morning I tried to wake him up, and...well...."



"Yeah." Hercules understood what he was trying to say.



"Yeah." Autolycus took a long pull of his coffee. "I took his ashes back to Greece. I buried them between my mom's grave and Malakos'. He- he wanted to be with the people who loved me. I thought about looking you and Golden Boy up, but I decided to head south for Egypt instead. Took up stealing treasures from the pyramids. Not like anyone was using 'em, y'know." He took a pack of Chesterfields from his pocket. "It was a couple of centuries before I let anyone close enough to me to fall in love again." he said as he tapped the pack on the table. He pulled out a cigarette and offered one to Hercules, who declined with a wave of his hand.

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* The Greek word for hand, "cheir", refers to everything between the fingertips and the elbow. Hence, the common misconception on the location of the Stigmata.