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Heartache & Joy	By : MidnightBard Category: G through L > Lois & Clark Views: 2185 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Lois and Clark fandom, characters or even the circumstances presented. I do not make money from this. I just enjoy hacking into the heads of my favorite characters. My first attempt at a Superman fanfic.

Chapter List
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Clark flew as fast as he dared, angling towards his home in Kansas.   Tears threatened to blind him as he flew, but he fought them back. He was distracted enough as it was. Already tonight, he had nearly flown into four commercial jets, three radio towers, had hit a flock of geese head-on, and in a truly cruel twist, had smashed right into Lex Tower. Now the blue neon LEX on the side of the building read an ironic EX. Ex...ex-friends, ex-would-be lover, ex-life. Bile rose in his throat, threatening to make him vomit or choke. He swallowed hard, his heart heavier than it had ever been. Facing death by Kryptonite was far easier than this...this faking of his own death, this running from the life that he so desperately wanted to life, this running from the one woman he loved more than anything he had ever known.
                His soul was tortured. His heart screamed. He truly felt as though he had actually died, had actually lost a friend, a loved one. In a way, he reasoned, he had. Never again could Clark Kent chase a story for The Daily Planet. Never again, could Clark Kent have the chance to be with Lois Lane, laugh with her over Chinese takeout, comfort her in times of sorrow. Comfort her. That's what he should have been doing right now, not fleeing Metropolis.
                How had things gotten so out of hand? How had they gotten so messed up?
                Lois.
                The thought of Lois brought fresh pain to his heart. A scream ripped from his throat, animal and savage. He didn't care. Didn't care who heard. Didn't care what anyone thought. He screamed until his throat was raw, screamed until he had no breath left. Tears sprung into his eyes, freezing on his cheeks in the cold, high altitude. He brushed them away quickly and fought to control himself again.
                At last, the farmhouse where he had grown up came into view. He slowed in preparation for landing. He landed lightly, then knocked on the door, calling out to his parents as he did so, so as not to frighten them. His father answered the door, sleep still heavy in his eyes. Jonathan's eyes filled with concern as he looked at his son's face.
                "Clark, what is it?"
                Clark sighed long and hard. "I'm dead," he said bitterly.
                He pulled the screen door open and entered into the familiar house. It had always brought him comfort before, but not tonight. Martha stood in the doorway that separated the kitchen from the living room.
                "What do you mean, you're dead?"
                Clark's eyes took on a far-off look, following his dark thoughts. He shook himself as if to dispel such thoughts. He sighed again, and launched into the events of that evening as he sat at the kitchen table. As he spoke, his parents' faces became more and more concerned.
                "I don't know what to do," Clark said, his voice thick with unshed tears. "Everything I've ever worked for. Everything I've ever dared to hope for. It's all gone. Lost in one lousy, one miserable second."
                His parents sat silent, thinking.
                "All my life, I've imagined myself living a normal life, having all of the normal things a life entailed. A job. A wife. A family. Now I've lost it all. All of my life I've been Clark Kent. Now he's dead."
                "You are still Clark, son," his father said, squeezing Clark's shoulder sympathetically.
                "I can't be. Lois saw Clark die. I wouldn't be surprised if she's already spread the word. How can I ever go back? Hi Lois, sorry I had to fake my own death. Hope it didn't cause you any pain." He spat the words out.
                The phone rang, shattering the ensuing quiet. Clark looked at the clock. Who could be calling at 12:36am? His parents lifted the nearby phones, a force of habit. They always picked up both lines this late at night because it was usually Clark on the other line.
                "Lois?" he heard his mom ask.
                Clark snapped out of the dark thoughts that had snuck back into his mind and focused his super hearing on the phone. He could hear Lois on the other end, her voice tinny over the phone. He could hear the tears in her voice as well. Pain lanced his heart and it was an effort not to groan. He dropped his head into his heads and finally let some of his pent-up tears fall.
                How dare he try to love Lois and still do something like this to her! But had he really had a choice? Should he have risked...no...destroyed his secret and revealed to everyone in the club that he was Superman? Or had he done the right thing in letting Clark die? He shook his head. No. Nothing was worth losing Lois over. But now what could he do? The situation was beyond repair.
                Still half listening to both his parents and Lois on the phone, he thought that he should at least be proud of the grieving parent act that his mom and dad were putting on. But he wasn't proud. Only ashamed. Ashamed that they had to lie for him. Ashamed at the emotional hell he was putting Lois through. How dare he call himself Superman! How dare he fight for justice...and for truth...when he felt like such a lying coward.
                Dimly, he was aware that the phones had gone silent. He looked up, wiping the back of his hand across his red, puffy eyes. His soul felt broken, twisted, shattered. His heart threatened to burst from the sorrow and the guilt that he felt.
                "I heard," he said gruffly, before his father cold speak. "I'm sorry you had to lie for me."
                "Whatever you decide, we will back you one hundred percent," his mother said, sliding back into her seat.
                Clark stood and began to pace, absent-mindedly crossing the ceiling in overlapping pathways.
                "And what should I decide? To give up who I am? To give up everything that means anything to me? Or to go back and shatter the Superman illusion? Maybe you guys were right. Maybe I should never have created the whole Superman fantasy."
                "Maybe you don't have to," his father said slowly. "Lois and Metropolis still need you, still need Superman. I don't think you can abandon them."
                "I've thought about that too dad," Clark said, shaking his head as he passed over the kitchen table. "Sure I could still see Lois and Jimmy and Perry. But it just wouldn't be the same. Superman doesn't get to shoot hoops with Jimmy after work. Perry doesn't ramble on with obscure Elvis stories when he's talking to Superman. And Lois...Superman doesn't get to talk to her the way Clark does, doesn't get to listen to Lois ramble on to the most random tangents and secretly love it."
                "Then maybe it is time for your secret to be revealed."
                Clark shook his head again, just as sadly. "How? How can I do that? How can I do that to Lois? Hi Lois, no I'm not really dead and by the way, I'm Superman?" He laughed bitterly. "I can't do that to her. It isn't fair."
                "And this is?" his mother said hotly. "Is it fair that Lois thinks that her best friend is dead?"
                "No," Clark admitted. "But even if I did come clean, I can't see how Clark would ever have Lois' trust again. She'd hate me."
                He sighed. Normally it was so liberating to confide in his parents, to seek their advice. Tonight, however, it felt like confessing to the Spanish Inquisition. Not that they meant it that way or were trying to make him feel bad. He knew it was merely his own inner turmoil and confusion that was making him feel this way. Never before had he felt so alone, so lost, so helpless.
                "Not to mention that I'd have to let everyone else in on the secret," he continued, picking up the train of thought that he had been having. "How can I do that? I am more than certain that my...coming out...as Superman...would be a disaster. Not just for me, but for everyone. There are so many...evil...people out there that would use those close to me to get at Superman. They have already used Lois. I can't risk it getting out that you guys are my parents."
                Clark stopped his pacing, realizing for the first time that he was leaving footprints on the ceiling. He grabbed a towel and wiped them away.
                "I know that I'm the one who decided on this whole secret identity thing. I really thought that it would work. But I don't think I can keep it up anymore. As much as it hurts, I think I have to learn to let Clark Kent go. But I am going to avenge his death. The only trouble is, now that I don't have access to the information I would have at The Planet, I don't know how I'm going to do it. All I've got is a ticket stub."
                "What kind?" he father asked.
                "From a movie theatre."
                Jonathan's eyes brightened. "Don't you know that was how Dillinger got caught the first time? He's a huge movie buff."
                A determined glint grew in Clark's eyes. A grim smile stole over his lips. "It looks like I have some staking out to do. Thanks dad, mom."
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Heartache & Joy