Fallout | By : sinecure Category: 1 through F > Community Views: 7046 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0 |
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Anticipation, for Annie, ranged in degrees. She allowed herself to feel a certain level of anticipation for each thing she looked forward to. Classes rated pretty high, though she'd learned to dial it back a bit since it was just Greendale. If she'd learned anything there, it was that her expectations were too high.
Seeing her friends rated high as well, though that rarely needed to be toned down, because she loved them all and they never disappointed. Well. Okay, they did, but she didn't let it get her down. Anticipating a date or a movie or a night out with Britta and Shirley had their own scales that rarely tipped lower or higher than one another. The dates she'd been out on lately could be summed up in two words; not happening. The movies she watched with Troy and Abed always brought fun, no matter how many stupid, cheesy Kickpuncher sequels there were. It was always fun. And the mock fights they staged afterward usually broke an item or two, but she was so loose about it now that it didn't bother her much anymore. Usually. Well, sometimes. She kept her more precious items tucked away on those nights, and had a strict 'no Kickpunching in Annie's room' rule. There was even a hand-drawn sign on the door with pink and purple hearts and a single gold star. Going out with Britta and Shirley always left her exhausted and smiling. Britta was fun when she was buzzed, but not drunk, and Shirley giggled with Annie, gossiping with her while Britta regaled the nearest strangers of the dangers of using too much toilet paper. The forests, guys. The forests! But, nothing could top the anticipation Annie felt tonight. Rarely had she felt the pulse-pounding, gut-gripping fear and expectation that one single text message could bring her. The possibility of getting into CU was right up there, growing closer to Troy in their first year at Greendale, and then Jeff kissing her back after the Transfer Dance. Those were all close. Finger hovering over the Send button on her phone, Annie bit her lip. Troy and Abed were watching something by John Hughes again, playing out each part and saying each line in their blanket fort room, while she lay in bed, one arm behind her head, thumb pressing lightly on her phone. She read the text again. Then once more. And then a third time. Sighing, she dropped her head back and stared at the ceiling. No matter how many times she read it, the text didn't sound any better. In fact, it was beginning to sound silly. She could imagine Jeff reading it and snorting out a sound somewhere between a scoff and a sneer. Did sneers make sounds? Rolling her eyes, she held the phone up to eye level. The backlight had gone out, but her text message was still there, waiting patiently like a dog for its master to send it fetching. Are you planning on masturbating to the Santa's helper outfit? Ugh! It really didn't sound right no matter how she phrased it. This was the first message she'd written, then erased, then written ten more of, all of which were some variation on the original. Then she'd just gone back to the original. It still sounded stupid. And arrogant. Would he actually read that message and think she was adult enough to ask it? The problem was, Annie really wanted to know the answer. As embarrassed and scandalized as the question made her, the not knowing was killing her. The way he'd looked at her, eyes dropping to her lips, the low, husky sound of his voice, the warmth pouring off of him as he told her that if she could ask the question, then he'd answer it, played over and over in her mind. Something had come over him suddenly, and it didn't feel like the usual near-kiss, awkward shared look, move in to hug, stop, shake hands, pat her on the head, call her kiddo type of thing. Not this time. Tonight, even after the ridiculous song and dance she'd done for him in that outfit, she'd felt like everything had gone back to normal. They'd all said and done things they normally wouldn't have... like make a fool of themselves in front of the one person it mattered more than anything not to do that in front of. She'd thought it'd be awkward like it always was for a while after an intimate moment between them. But it hadn't been. Until she saw the outfit in his bag and she found out he was taking it home. Until he told her the reasons. Until he stared longingly, hungrily, at her lips and teased her about a question she couldn't ask and wanted to know so dang badly! If he was planning on... masturbating to the outfit- and even now, in her own mind, the question sounded stupid and self-centered, she wanted to know. Just because she'd done that to thoughts of him, didn't mean he had to thoughts of her. Or would. Or planned to. Had it even occurred to him to do it? Eyes drifting to her closet and the locked box she knew sat on the top shelf, she wished she still lived alone. Or at the very least, that Troy and Abed would be gone for a while. Mr. Winger was getting very little use of late. Groaning at her thoughts, she sat up and crossed her legs on the bed, hitting the delete button. Fingers moving quickly over the keypad, she typed out another message. Jeff. She hit send, hoping to force herself into the conversation she was avoiding. Hoping he'd push her to ask the question, and that her nerves would step up in the clinch. A minute later, her phone buzzed. There was that anticipation again, but she didn't let herself drag it out. She clicked the View button. Annie. Dropping to the bed, she sighed heavily. This wasn't going to be easy. He was going to make her ask, and he wasn't going to help in the slightest. Jerk. While she was contemplating what to follow up with, her phone buzzed again. Something on your mind? Hmph. Well, two could play at that game. Maybe he felt the same anticipation she did. Maybe the teasing was fun for him. Probably not, but she wanted to think it was. The teasing, for her, was yet another thing she anticipated daily. The only foreplay she'd ever had was a ridiculously short amount during the loss of her virginity, and her own hands late at night. Eyes drifting to the closet again, she typed back a quick, Maybe. Seconds later, her phone buzzed. Obviously she had his full attention, because his responses were so quick. Which emboldened her, but not to the point of being able to type out the question again. Do tell. And then. I'm all ears. No, you're all forehead, she wanted to snark back, but she knew how sensitive he was about it, so she stilled her fingers. Besides, it would kill the mood, and possibly shut him down. Instead, she fiddled with the keypad, typing out her original question before quickly deleting it again. It pained her to admit defeat so soon, but she couldn't think of anything teasing to say back because her nerves were close to shot. ...I can't. A minute later, just when she was beginning to wonder if he'd lost interest, her phone buzzed. Good. I've decided that it needs to be asked in person. Not fair! she texted back without thinking, and could almost hear his laughter. There was no way she'd be able to ask him in person. No way in hell. Her face was flaming right now just texting around the subject. They both knew what she wanted to know, and him knowing that she wanted to know was bad enough, but having to ask him, face to face? That was too much. But, didn't him wanting her to ask mean that he wanted her to ask him for a reason? Maybe. It didn't matter though. It wasn't ever going to happen. She could barely bring herself to think the words or type them, let alone shape them into words and speak them into the air between them. She tried, opening her mouth to say them, but all that came out was a pathetic squeak of embarrassment. Despondent, she texted a goodnight, but her phone buzzed before she could send it. She stared at the display, eyes wide. Jeff was calling her. She considered ignoring it and going to bed, but he knew she was there, knew she was awake, and there was a part of her that still wanted to take this a step further, even if the rest of her had to go kicking and screaming. That small part of her pressed the button and put the phone to her ear. Her entire body flushed hot in anticipation and fear. "Hi." Her voice came out less butterfly-y than about to be sick to her stomach. "It's just a simple question, Annie. Do you need to buy a vowel?" Rolling her eyes, she played with her hair, staring at the ceiling. "Maybe it's simple for you, but... I don't think it's ever going to happen. I can't ask you that." Sighing heavily over the line, she cursed her fearfulness. "Let's just drop it." He was silent for a few seconds, just long enough for her to wonder if she'd lost the connection. "Of course you can, Annie." The words were low, husky. Unintentionally sexy? "But if you really can't and you really want me to drop it, then tell me now. Because, if that's what you want? I'll let it go." Something in his voice, almost a dare, pushed her that little bit she'd wanted it to push her in a text, but she still wasn't able to ask the question yet. So, she asked another. "Is this a game to you?" She didn't want to think he was playing with her, but the possibility was there. Who was to say any of this was going anywhere? They never went anywhere. They were the same stagnant people they'd been since their first shared moment during their first year at Greendale. So, his answer did, and didn't, come as a shock. "Yes." Feeling as if he'd punched her in the gut, she rolled onto her side with a sharp exhale. "Oh." "One we both want to win. Trust me." She shivered, partially soothed by the promise in his tone and the words in her ear. "My therapist has been urging me to take all the things I've been denying myself for so long and indulge in them without worrying about the consequences." He paused, and she could almost hear any hesitation he had falling away. "So, I'm taking." She stared at the far wall, frowning. Shocked. Jeff didn't... with her. Not if he could help it. What was going on here? Had his therapist actually encouraged him to pursue Annie? She wanted to thank her or him. "Of course," he continued with a chuckle, "she was talking about all the foods I deny myself. But I've decided to stop pretending that I don't want you. So, ask me what you want to know." Shocked at his confession, she sat up slowly, staring at herself in the mirror across from her. She didn't look any different, except for the startled excitement in her eyes and the slight curve of her lips. "But... why not just, ya know, ask me out or something?" "Uh, because that'd be too easy? After all this time, everything that's led up to this point, you don't just ask the girl out on a date. So, when you can get that question out-" "But that could be never!" Gah! She wanted him to just ask her out and then they could go to dinner at a nice restaurant, then take a walk in the cool night air, arm in arm, talking about everything and nothing. She'd laugh at his jokes and he'd smile at her and tease her, and kiss her so softly with his warm lips. She could almost feel the tickle of his breath on her cheek, the rough stubble on his jaw. He'd whisper 'milady' and they'd share a smile as she answered with 'milord'. Lifting her hand, she brushed her cheek, imagining him caressing her and holding her still for another kiss as he trailed a path down her jaw and neck, then lower, to her chest, where he'd slowly press her blouse up and expose her to his rapt gaze. "...Annie?" Shaking herself, she swallowed back the lust rising in her. Stupid, pathetic fantasies. Ridiculous, girlish fantasies. Steeling herself, she straightened her shoulders and stared back at her reflection. "Jeff, have you ever mas-" She blushed hotly, seeing the red rise on her chest, neck, and face like Jeff's imaginary kisses. No matter how much she wanted to ask the damn question, she could. Not. Do it. "No. This doesn't work for me either." She felt her heart freeze for a second before he continued. "It needs to be face to face." Relief poured through her, followed almost immediately by gloominess. "But," she mumbled, sagging against the wall behind her bed. A long sigh left her along with her anticipation and expectations. "I'm sorry, Jeff. I can't do it. I mean, just the sheer egotistical quality of the question is enough to make me squirm, but the actual question itself? I- I can't. Maybe you should find someone who can." With that, feeling like the giant coward she was, she hung up and shut off her phone. "Coward." Feeling like that wasn't enough, she yanked her drawer open and shoved her phone inside, then slammed the drawer shut. "Pathetic, whiny, stupid coward. You can't even say penis without blushing. And you've never even seen one in action. Not a real one. Fake mannequin penises-peni?-don't count." She sent her mind back to Jeff playing pool in the buff. Jeff's naked body. He definitely had a nice body. So nice. Dropping to her bed with a bounce, she grabbed a pillow and hugged it tightly to her. "Jeff wants someone who can say that stuff and who wants to do that stuff. Long walks after dinner and soft kisses? Only in a cheesy romance novel." "Annie? Are you all right in there, 'cause it sounds like you're having some sexy alone time, but I just want to make sure you're not, like, bleeding on the floor or something." Cringing at Troy's question, she sat up. "I'm fine. I was talking to Jeff. He annoyed me." And made her feel exactly like the kid she was trying desperately not to be. "Okay, that'd be why he texted me and Abed to check up on you." Like she was a little kid who needed babysitting. Whatever! Getting up, she crossed to her closet. Mr. Winger was going to stay right where he was for the time being, but she was leaving. She had to get out of there. Tossing on some clothes, she looked around her girly room. Wow. Had it always been this... pink and sparkly? But she liked sparkly! And pink! And if that wasn't good enough for Jeff, then... then... she was too good for him! She grabbed her phone, not feeling right leaving without it, then yanked her door open, pushing past a startled Troy and Abed. "I'm going out." "Yeah... he said-" Spinning on them, she waved her keys their way. "Jeff doesn't know me! And he's stupid anyway. He's- he's like someone who... wants people to be one way until he decides he wants them to be another way, and then he demands they change and makes them feel stupid if they don't, and I don't care. He's stupid." Very mature. Snarling, she left them behind, slamming the door in her wake. Stupid Jeff. Making everything between them contingent on his say so. Like he was the only one who could make up ground rules. She could too if she wanted. Maybe she'd make him tell her he was a little teapot, short and stout. In person. 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