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The Difference Between Want and Need	By : PagesofPassion1812 Category: Supernatural > Het - Male/Female Views: 4053 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of it's characters, that privilege belongs to Eric Kripke, the lucky devil. I don't make any money from this story.

Chapter List
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Silence. Silence befell the room, just the thumping of your heart remained. You look at him, searching his face desperately for any sign, any emotion; Acceptance, rejection, anger, hurt, happiness... anything. But nothing. He just stands there, head to the floor and eyes closed. So, you have your answer.
You slowly lower your head as you close your eyes, allowing the last of your tears wash over your cheeks. As a pained smile stains your lips you slowly nods, accepting what you knew was inevitable. Though the knot in your stomach proves you hoped... Oh it doesn't matter what you hoped. What you dreamed. Whatever it was, it's shattered now and is never... was never going to happen. With an intake of breath you turn on your heel and cross the room, exit without a word and close the door behind you; leaving him alone.
A month goes by, then another, both of you continuing on; hunting together, living together, and not speaking a word about it to anyone else. Or really each other outside of hunts and when it's absolutely necessary. You carried on going out with Cas; you had finally given up and decided that he's a man that could be in your future. However, you're still finding it hard to let go of the life you had hoped for; and the man you had hoped to build it with.
(Sam's POV)

"(Name), we're close now, so we'll give you a ring when we've killed the Djinn. OK?" Sam says down the phone to you as the three of them stand outside an abandoned hospital. "OK Sam, now can you guys please be careful, please?" You say. The worry is driving you insane. You would have gladly gone with them, were it not for that Acheri attack a few days prior, so the boys forbid it. "We will, I promise. I'll ring you as soon as we're done."
"Is that (Name)?" Cas asks, looking up from his knife, now sodden in lamb's blood. Sam nods in his direction, still trying to convince you that they'll be fine. "May I talk to her a while?" Castiel asks walking towards Sam, arm outstretched. "Yeah sure... Uh, (Name), Cas wants to talk to you..." And he passes the phone over. As Cas talks to you, Sam walks over to Dean who was leaning against the trunk of the Impala, changing the batteries in the flash lights. "Hey Sammy, we ready to kill this son of a bitch?" Dean asks in his usual crass tone. "Almost, Cas is just on the phone to (Name)." Dean stops his movements at the sound of your name and looks over at Cas for a moment, "Oh, ok." then back to the torches. Sam notices this and decides to voice what's been on his mind lately, "Dean, What happened between you and (Name)?"
"I don't know what you mean Sammy." Dean replies, pleading ignorance. "Don't lie to me Dean. You two barely talk anymore, you act like she doesn't exist sometimes; but then you act like you did when she got attacked..."
"She's a friend Sam, I'm not gonna be pleased if she gets hurt." He cuts him off sharply turning around and opening the trunk. "We've had friends who have been in worse shape and have even died that you haven't been that concerned for." Sam whispers while watching his brother throw the used batteries back into the car and begin dipping his own blade into the jar of blood. "Barely sleeping. Not eating. Changing her dressings every five seconds. Even researching ways to heal wounds faster. I've never seen you like that before..." Dean pauses for a moment to listen to his brother before closing the Impala's boot and turning to face Sam. "The only other person you've been that distraught over was..." Sam stops in his train of thought, as it leads him to an interesting and obvious one. "Me. Dean, you're in love with her." But before Dean can say anything a cell is dangling in front of them both. It's Cas with the phone, "(Name) wants to talk to you." He looks at one of the brothers. "Me?" Dean asks, looking confused, but taking the phone nonetheless. "Hello?"
"Please, be careful Dean." and you hang up.
As he hands back the phone to Sam, your voice keeps replaying in his mind; Low and soft, barely audible, but with such heartfelt meaning, like you were almost begging. "Dean?" Sam's voice brings him back. "Yeah... sorry, line must of cut out." He lies, "Are we ready to go?" As the other two confirm that they are, they make their way into the hospital.
"Dean!" Cas's voice tumbles throughout the halls. Both Dean and Sam rush to where Cas's voice came from. "What is it Cas?" Dean asks, sprinting into the room. There were a line of bodies dangling from ropes; some moulted corpses, others but a few days old. They check all of the fresher bodies, but all were dead. "This one's still slightly warm, so I would say we're late by no more than a couple of hours." Cas says as he raises his hand down from a boy's neck. "Son of a BITCH!!!" Dean shouts as he raises his head to the ceiling. "If they're all dead..." Sam begins, "then the Djinn has either relocated already or is hunting for another victim."
"Then we must hope it is the latter!" Cas says, looking around the room. "Cas!" Sam exclaims in a laugh. "Sorry, was that inappropriate?" Cas asks stoically. "Yeah, just a bit."
"No, I agree with Cas," Dean says, turning to the both of them, "If it's relocated it could take us weeks to find it again, but if it's gone to find someone else, then we still have a chance to kill it." Sam nods, accepting this reasoning. "So should we go looking for it, or stay here and wait?" Sam asks, repositioning the knife in his hand. "You two go and see if you can find it."
"No Dean." Barks Sam before walking up to his brother. "Do you remember what happened last time? No, no one should be left on their own with a Djinn around." Dean looks at the seriousness in his little brothers eyes and lays a hand on his shoulder. "Alright Sammy, You and Me will go search for it. Cas..." Dean turns to his friend. "Yes?" to find that he's standing directly behind him. "Geez..." after jumping back a little, he says "Cas, you ring (Name) and ask if she can see if Djinns have particular hunting grounds or victim types." With that Castiel takes out his phone and dials your number while the brothers head out the door.
Sam and Dean get into the Impala, to try and hunt down the Djinn. "So," and Sam takes this opportunity to talk to Dean, "how long you been in love with her?"
"I don't wanna talk about it." He says, getting into gear and setting off. "Oh ok, yeah sure." Sam had every intention of leaving it at that. But, "you should really tell her." he still couldn't leave it at that. "Sam," Dean looks at his little brother, "I... I don't wanna talk about it ok?" Dean keeps his eyes focused on the road, but the glossed look in his eyes and the slight acceleration of the car affirmed Sam's suspicions. "Dean, She's a hunter too so she knows all the dangers and possibilities," Sam continues, looking out the window for anything suspicious, "also there's no worry of her not believing you." Dean opens his mouth but, "Well don't talk about it then, just listen to me talk to you about it." Sam stops him. "Dean, she's smart, funny and a great hunter, but above these she has shown us that hunting is a part of our lives, but not the reason for it." Sam looks back to the front of the car, remembering the past years that you've been there, a smile appearing on his face. "She's shown us how to have fun again, how to live our own lives and be our own people; We've gone to concerts, baseball and football games, shown we can have actual relationships without having to leave in the middle of the night or giving fake names. She's given us the chance of a life back."
(Dean's POV)

"I know." Dean whispers. "Sorry?" Sam asks, though more of a coax to get him to say more. "I know OK?" He clamps his hands down on the wheel, his voice cracking. "I know how great she is... That's all I've been trying to forget over the past couple of months." Which have been agony for him; hearing you laugh and knowing it wasn't him who was the cause, watching Castiel be the one to hold you when you're cold, comfort you when you cry. Knowing that the way it used to be, or could have been, was gone. And it was all his fault. "If only I hadn't stayed quiet." He says to himself under his breath. "What?"
"It's all because of me!" Dean growls, gripping the wheel. "I should have said something, done something, not just stand there like the cowardly bitch I am."
"Dean, what are you talking about?" Sam asks, worried and a little scared. But before Dean could say anything, a bloodcurdling scream came from one of the alleys. Both brothers looked at each other and Dean drove down and parked inside the alleyway. there was limited visibility due to the darkness so Sam grabbed the torches, throwing one to Dean. "It came from down here right?" Just then another scream permeated throughout the midnight air, answering Sam's question. Both brothers bolted in the direction of the scream, just to be met by a dead end. "It came from down here." Dean says, looking at the wall and it's surroundings. "No, it didn't." Dean turns to Sam, to see what he means. "It came from up there." With that Sam jumps and grabs onto the fire escape of the apartment building, pulling himself up. Dean looks at the fire escape, 'Oh shit, how am I gonna do that?' crossing his mind. Sam looks back at his brother, a smile pulling at his mouth. "Need some help?"
"No, I'm good." Dean protests with confidence, "I was just making sure you didn't hurt yourself." With that he steps back a few paces, takes a run up and jumps. Hits the escape chest first then spends a few seconds wiggling his body, failing to get himself up. Suddenly, Dean's lifted up and placed on the cold metal of the stairs. "I could have done that." Dean barks, as he brushes off his clothes. "You're welcome." Sam says, then begins to run up the rest of the stairs, poking head through the rungs just to add "Old man."
"I am not old Sammy!" Dean shouts, following on behind his brother. "Oh, then must be because you're short." Sam turns his head round to his brother; face innocent, tone mocking. "Can we stay focussed please, geez." Sam laughs at this and takes it as yet another victory. Though, before anymore can be said, the scream is heard once more. Both Sam and Dean run up the stairs to the roof of the building, the source of the noise.
"Excuse me, what do you think you are doing?" The boys are met by a bunch of teens, cameras and a microphone. "We heard screaming, so we came to..."
The director, a spot-faced dweeb in a Led Zeppelin top, then put his hand up, motioning Sam to stop talking. "Yes, well, as you can see, we are filming here..." his tone, really starting to tick Dean off, is rude and demeaning "So if you could please vacate this area, we may be able to get back to work." and he motioned for the both the shoo. Which was the final straw, and Dean leapt onto the twerp. "No one talks to my brother that way."
"Someone help!" The girl in boys clothing screamed, "Someone get this savage off me." With that Sam rushes over and pulls Dean away. "At least one of you has some sense, you ruffians." He really shouldn't have said that, as Dean takes this opportunity to kick the boy in the nuts, sending him writhing in pain on the floor. "Come on Dean that's enough."
"Alright, I'm cool." Dean says, shrugging Sam off before turning to the crying teenager on the floor, "and you disgrace that shirt." and they make their way back down the stairs.
After a few minutes of silence, allowing him to cool off, Sam restarts the conversation from earlier. "Dean?"
"Yeah?" Dean's a few steps behind, taking more time so he doesn't fall, again. "What were you talking about back in the car? What was your fault?" Deans footsteps stop, making Sam turn to look at him. Tell you the truth, he had hoped that the conversation had gone, and Sam had forgotten. But Sam doesn't forget anything, never has, that's why he's the smart one. "A few months back," Dean sighs walking down the steps past his brother, reluctantly deciding to tell the truth, "(Name) told me that she was in love with me, and that she had loved me for the past three years."
"What, you didn't know?" This question confuses Dean and he stops to look at Sam, "You knew?" Sam laughs at this, "Of course I knew, everybody knew. It was so obvious; The way she worries about you, the fact that she prays for you when your hurt." Dean can't get over it, he was the only one who didn't see it. How could he be so blind? "You should have seen her Dean," Sam continues, jumping from the stairs, tone a little more solemn, "when you were in the hospital after that demon attack in Carolina, we didn't know if you were going to come out of it alive." He looks up at Dean, "She visited you everyday." Dean jumps down, now standing in front of Sam. "Even when we went hunting, she had to visit you;" Sam chuckles to himself, turning his face to the black alley, "she even broke in after visiting hours when she had to." Sam draws in a deep breath, steadying himself before "Dean?"
"Yeah?" A default response as his mind and emotions are running rampant, having escaped from their cast iron cage. "I shouldn't be saying this, 'cause (Name) has no idea," he draws in another breath, "but I caught her talking to you once." They both begin to walk back to the Impala, all the while Dean staring into the abyss and listening intently. "About the fourth day of you being in that coma, I went to get coffee, but when I came back she was there." Sam tells the story, Deans heart aching to hear it. "I heard her talking to you and I didn't want to interrupt, so I hid just outside the door. She was telling you about her day, about me and Cas and what you had missed out on." Sam looks at Dean to see his expression; stiff and emotionless, trying to hide pained eyes. "Then her phone started to beep with that embarrassing text tone of hers. Someone had sent her a joke and I could hear her laughing as she read it." Sam gave a sad chuckle and shook his head, "I can remember everything, even that stupid joke. After reading it herself she said that you'll like this one and read it back out to you."
By this point they had reached the Impala, but Dean made no motion to get in; instead he just stood at the driver door, arms folded on the roof of the car and waiting for Sam to finish the story. "She laughed again, but that slowly turned to tears." Sam pauses, looking through the window of the car at his reflection before looking back at Dean seriously. "She started to cry uncontrollably Dean; a women who stitched herself back up after a shapeshifter slashed her across the back." Sam's words begin to become more aggressive, the memory of her pain obviously a hard one to stomach. "She started to beg; pleading for you to wake up and to be ok again. She even said that she'd go to a Crossroads demon, but she wouldn't because she couldn't bare the thought of you being hurt again, like with Dad." Sam leans his hands against the roof of the Impala, burying his head into his forearm. "At this point I decided to step in because I didn't want to hear her cry anymore," He lifts his head, chin now resting on his arm, "That's when I saw..."
"Saw what?" Dean finally speaks, looking at his brother with concern in his eyes; concern for you. "She was in the bed with you Dean," Sam mimics his brothers pose, so that he is eye level and looking straight at him. "She was on the bed with you, stroking your hair with one hand and holding your hand with the other, and she kept saying that she'll always be there, and she'll never give up on you." With that Sam moves away from the car and opens the passenger door, "and thats when I decided that I'd go drink my coffee in the cafeteria." and got into the car.
Dean stood there. Outside the car as it started to rain. You'd loved him that much? For that long? But you'd never breathed a word to him. 'Why?' he thought, 'Why didn't she tell me sooner than she did? for fear of rejection? I would never reject her.'
Oh but he did. He rejected you that day. He rejected you by doing nothing. He rejected you, even though all he wanted to do was hold you, kiss you and tell you all the things he loved, cherished and adored about you. By rejecting you, he rejected himself the second he let you walk out that door. Deans head falls into his hands as he thinks about the things he should've said and done, anything to stop you walking away.
At that moment Sam comes bursting out of the car, "(Name)'s gone!"
"What?!" Dean stares at him, a black pit forming in his heart. Both the brothers quickly get in the car and drive back to the motel, speed limit of no concern. "Cas has been trying to ring me the past hour, but I left my phone in the car" Sam explains, trying to ring Cas back, fingers clumsy on the keys. "Yes. Cas what's going on?" Dean looks at his brother on the phone, heart going the same milage as the car. "Hmh... There was what?... When did you get there?... Where are you now?... Good, stay there we'll be there soon. Ok, yeah bye." Dean's worry escalates listening to this conversation; Sam's eyes are wide and his face pale, he takes in breath after breath, trying to stay calm but the fear and crack of his voice betraying him. Sam lowers the phone, hand shaking violently, and looks down in thought. "Sam, what is it? What did he say? Has he found (Name)?" He looks at Dean, eyes serious. "Sam, what did he SAY?"
"Dean, I think we should wait till we get back to he Motel, then you can see..." Sam, still trying to get over the shock himself, tries to quell the questions and anxieties of his brother.
"See what? What did Cas say? Everything Sammy." Sam is silent, and it's obvious why he isn't giving his brother the information. "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The indescribable emotion and sheer power in Deans' voice causes Sam to jump. "Dean, I know you want me to describe everything that Cas said, but I really..."
"I don't give a damn about what 'you really'," he cuts Sam off, tone almost a hiss, "I just want to know what he said, Sam," his tone and volume changes. He looks at his little brother, who can see the battle he is having with his sanity of the subject; tears in his eyes and voice soft, apologetic and, heartbreakingly, begging "Please".
"Dean, I won't." Sam looks down at his hands, "I can't. I'm sorry." Dean looks back at the road, wiping away a tear that threatens to fall.
Dean, arriving back at the motel, slams on the breaks and throws off his seatbelt hurriedly, slamming the car door as he gets out. "Dean, no wait!" Sam cries out to his brother, who is sprinting up the stairs to their room.
The door crashes with the wall as he nearly breaks it in. Dean pauses at the room; obvious signs of struggle as the ruins of a chair and shards of a smashed mirror are strewn over the floor. Dean walks slowly into the room, consumed by nameless emotions. Dean's breath hitches in his throat as something catches his eye; a trail of blood from the bathroom to the door.
"Oh Jesus." Sam mutters through his hand, slowly walking up to his brother. Dean cautiously ventures to the bathroom. "Where's Cas?"
"Wasn't here." Dean replies absentmindedly, lost in a shocked daze. "Oh my g..." Dean falls back and chokes back the vomit from the sight which awaited him in the bathroom.
"What?! Oh God!" Sam jolts backwards from the scene, crashing into the desk behind him. The ragged glass from another shattered mirror, casting red reflections through the pool of blood on the white tiled floor.
Sam, horror stricken, begins to blink and shake his head erratically, "M,m,m,maybe this isn't her blood," he begins, fixated on the sight, "This could b,b,be some o,o,one else's." He tears his head away to look at his brother, "Dean?"
Dean is standing by the side of your bed, staring at the floor and swaying distractedly. He squats down and picks something up. A Photograph; That one when you guys went to Missouri, you're sat on a wall and Cas, Dean and Sam are sat on a bench in front of you, grinning away like idiots. Dean traces your face with his finger, you're looking down at him with a smile. As he stands there starring at you, he realises something about your smile; and why you're looking at him. He always thought it was because he kept hitting his head into your legs, making it impossible for you to uncross your ankles. But it's because you cared for him, and loved that he was doing that to you.
He closes his eyes, the sound of the tear hitting the photo a blur against his remembering your voice, your laugh, and your declaration of love looping inside his head.
Suddenly he kicks out at the bedside table, causing the hinges to crack and your belongings to fall to the floor. "Fucking Hell!" He curses, throwing the remote at the TV screens then turning and punching the wall behind him. "Dean, calm down," Sam races over to Dean and restrains him against the wall, "We'll find her. That probably isn't even her blood."
"What if it is?!!" Dean pulls off of the wall violently, pushing sending sam crashing to the floor. "What if it is her blood Sam? In her condition, she would be on the brink of death if not..." He pauses from his tormented outburst, and lowers his voice, "If not dead already."
"She won't be dead yet."
At these words, Dean grabs the man by the scruff of his neck and pins him to the wall. "Where the Fuck have you been?" His words are of venom as he spits them in the man's face. "Looking for (Name)," Castiel shoves Dean off forcefully before putting his finger in his face, "Don't you dare make the mistake that you are the only one who cares for her." Hearing the anger in his voice, Dean walks away from Cas and sits on your bed with his head in his hands.
Attempting to calm the situation, Sam stands from his chair and places a hand on Cas's shoulder. "Are you ok?"
"Yes, I am fine," Cas pats Sam's hand, "Thank you Sam." Sam's hand flops back to his side as Cas walks away from him and towards the bathroom. "This isn't her blood."
"Are you sure?" Dean breaks his silence, rising to his feet and looking at Cas. "Yes, It's lambs blood," Cas returns to the brothers in the middle of the room, "she was covering this in it." With that Cas produces (Name)'s blade from his inner-coat pocket, stains of blood evident. Dean rushes to him and takes the blade from him, "She was going to come help us." he says, looking his friend in the eye. "Yes, that is what I believe."
Relief engulfs Deans body, a heavy sigh to show this. "I was so worried that she had been attacked." Dean says with a cracking voice, holding his chest. "She was."
Sam's words draw Dean's attention back, and back to the serious expressions of his companions. He looks at Cas for confirmation of Sam's statement, "Though the blood in the bathroom is not hers," he begins, closing his eyes and swallowing hard, "the trail from mirror to the door is." Both Dean and Sam follow the long stream of red, now embedded into the light blue carpet.
"We need to get back to the hospital." Cas says, stepping past the brothers and making his way back to the door. "The Hospital? So you found her?" Dean looks to Cas eagerly, his hope returning. "That's on the other side of town. Ok then, come on, I'll drive."
"Not that Hospital," Dean turns back to Sam, who's eyes are etched with pain for his brother. Sam walks to Dean and places his hands on his shoulders. Lowering his head, Sam draws in a steadying breath, before raising his eyes to meet Deans.
"Dean, the Djinn has her."
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The Difference Between Want and Need