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The Bargaining Chip	By : ihatethesnow Category: S through Z > The Walking Dead Views: 3919 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own The Walking Dead or any characters. I will not be making any money from this story.

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Warning of childhood abuse.
"You're such a nice girl. That's it...right there. Now lie down, just like last time. Good girl. You're a good little girl. Lie back...c'mon. No. Shhhhh... Don't fight me. Here...we...go...ahhhhh..." Now clean yourself up. If you tell anyone, nobody will believe you. They'll take you away and you'll never see your mama again. Understand?" Okay. Give Daddy a kiss."
Lori woke up with a jump. She pushed Rick's arm off her and ran to the bathroom, almost missing the bowl as she threw up most of that night's dinner. She vomited a few more times, flushed it down, and then she was washing her hands and face Rick knocked and opened the door at the same time.
She was shaking like a leaf and burst into tears. "Same dream again?" he asked, as he rubbed her back. She nodded her head. She lied.
"Baby...I'm so sorry. Maybe the best thing to do is to avoid listening to the news. They're the ones calling it a 'war on cops.' I'll be fine out there. Being a cop is in my blood. I'll be safe. We live in a small town. I've got 15 years into the force, and nothing has happened." He pulled her into a tight hug. "It breaks my heart to see you cry. Shane's got my back. He knows I want to come home every night. I love you so much, baby." He gently caressed her back as she sobbed on his shoulder.
"C'mon...it's the middle of the night. Let's go back to bed." She was still crying, and nodded her head. He slipped into bed and got to his side, and held his arms out so she could cuddle up right next to him. "I think Dr. Williams can really help you with your anxiety. After we drop Carl off I'll drive you."
Between sobs she asked if he doesn't mind going way into the neighboring county.
"Not at all. You know how this place talks. The only downside about living in a small town is everyone knows your business."
"But this is my third visit to her. I don't know if therapy is the answer."
"It sure doesn't hurt. I have to see the police shrink when I use my weapon. It helps to talk to someone. I'll make sure you're okay. I promise."
She nodded her head as he kissed her. "I love you so much. Never forget that."
"I love you too. He smiled and kissed her again, and she rested her head on his chest. She almost always fell asleep to the sound of his heartbeat. She couldn't tonight. She was thinking about herself as a child, and thinking about what Rick will do when he finds out the truth.
About ten thirty the next morning, Rick was reading a months old magazine while Lori was seeing her psychiatrist, Jacqui Williams.
Lori wasn't saying much, but she was in the middle of tearing apart her fourth tissue.
"Mrs. Grimes, How have the anxiety exercises being going? The deep breathing, listening to music, exercising?"
"Fine. It's fine."
"Have the nightmares stopped?"
"No."
"Are all your nightmares just about losing your husband?"
Lori shook her head, and started crying.
"Tell me what's going on."
After twenty minutes Jacqui phoned her receptionist and asked that her 11:00 appointment be moved to noon, and for Mr. Grimes to be sent in.
Rick was led in, and saw Lori, with her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands. She was shaking and sobbing. He sat right next to her and pulled her into a hug. She grabbed onto him tightly, and cried onto his shoulder. He held her closely, and rubbed her back while whispering "It's okay...its okay, baby, you're okay."
Jacqui said to Rick, "Mr. Grimes, this is unusual to have someone join a patient in therapy, but your wife wanted you to be here. She needs to tell you something that happened to her."
"What happened, baby? You'll be okay."
Lori looked at Jacqui for help.
Jacqui handed Rick a bottle of water. He opened it, and held it as Lori took a few sips.
"Mrs. Grimes, would you like me to tell him or would you want to do it?"
Lori just pointed to the doctor and whispered "you."
"Okay. Mr. Grimes, your wife does in fact have a large amount of anxiety with your job. She is very concerned about your safety. However, the dreams she has had within the past few months have nothing to do with your job. Her father and uncle had sexually molested her for twelve years, from the ages of three to fifteen."
Rick looked like he was punched in the gut, but he tightened his grasp onto Lori and rubbed her back as she shook with sobs.
"She is also concerned about how you would react to the news and if you would treat her differently."
"Baby, that will never happen. I love you so much. I hate that you went through that. You'll be okay."
Ten minutes had passed, the only sound in the room was Lori crying. She finally spoke up, telling Rick "There's a lot you don't know. There's a lot I never told you. I was afraid to tell you. I was afraid how you would react, if you would be disgusted with me, ashamed, or if you would leave. Something happened every day. Every day for ten years, until he was worried about getting me pregnant. He made me give him oral sex. It was disgusting and I threw up. He hit me in the head when I did that. He make me jerk him off. Him and my uncle Mike. Mike would come over and they would hang out. My mom would leave with Connie. I would beg her to take me with her, but she said no. One would hold me down. Then I went to bed with jeans on because it would make it more difficult for him to take my clothes off. It didn't work. He would beat me for that. I know you get frustrated sometimes because I don't want to try different sexual things, but it has nothing to do with you."
"Sometimes when we're doing...stuff...I'm enjoying it because I'll with YOU, but then their faces flash in my mind and I have to stop. I just go through the motions. Even non-sexual stuff, innocent things like thunderstorms. They're be a big clap of thunder that will wake us up, and you usually go back to sleep. I lie there and wait for him to 'check on me,' which always ended up with him covering my mouth, pulling my underpants off, and doing what he wants. I know he's gone, but I still feel like he's gonna walk through the door. We've been together for almost twenty years but it took me so long to tell you because I tried to forget it myself. But it's there all the time, in the back of my mind. I just wanted him to be different. I wanted to wake up one morning and for it all to be different. I wanted so much for him to just be a dad and tell me that he loves me. I'm sorry it took so long to tell you. Even now, I get nervous when a thunderstorm rolls through. He always scared me. I never felt safe. He said nobody would believe me."
"Rick, how do you feel when you hear that?"
He wiped away his own tears and said "I love you Lori. More than anything." He held her tightly and rubbed her back. "Nothing will ever change that. I wish I knew years ago so I would have confronted them."
"Are they still alive?"
"Both her parents were in a car accident, about five years ago. Both died at the scene. Her uncle is still alive, but we lost touch with him a while ago."
"Any siblings?"
"One younger sister. She lives about ten minutes away from us."
"Lori, what do you think the trigger was? When did the nightmares start?"
"They've always been there. Almost every night. I think they've gotten worse because of all the news reports of cops getting shot for no reason. I think of losing Rick, and it's almost like my world stops. I know I drive him crazy when I stay up all night when he works the night shift, but I need to see him walk through the door. When I know he's home, and safe, then I know he's okay. Then I can relax. But until then, I can't explain it."
"Why do you think you rely on Rick so much?"
There was a long moment before Lori answered. "Because I love him, and I trust him. We dated for a year before we slept together. He never pressured me into having sex or doing stuff I didn't want to do. So many of my girlfriends said that their boyfriends or husbands made them do stuff or get angry when they didn't do what they wanted. Some even said to me that he may be getting it from someone else if he doesn't get it from me, but I know he's not the type
"Rick, what do you say about that?"
"There has never, ever been anyone else. Ever. We met in our second year of high school. We were lab partners in biology class. The second I saw her I knew she was the woman I wanted to spend my life with. I thought she was shy or religious when she wanted to wait."
"Mrs. Grimes, is there something else you wanted to mention to your husband?"
Lori took another sip of the water, her hand shaking. She was silent for a few moments before Jacqui asked her again.
"Would you prefer that I tell him?" She asked.
Lori shook her head no. She shifted in her seat and looked very uncomfortable. She took another sip of the water, and couldn't look Rick in the eyes when she said "Before I met you, when I was in a different high school, actually, I tried to commit suicide three times. When I was fifteen I had to take a pregnancy test because of what my dad did to me."
Rick held Lori as she released deep, painful sobs. "I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I'm so sorry."
"Mr. Grimes, what are your about your feelings about your wife now?"
"Haven't changed one bit. I love her more than anything." He turned to Lori, "Baby, I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you back then. But I will protect you with my life now."
Lori sobbed out "I love you too."
They were driving home, and scheduled to go back to Dr. Williams in one week. Lori's pregnancy didn't allow for medication. The long drive home was spent in comfortable silence, with Rick extending his hand and holding her hand tightly. They picked up Carl from school, and drove home. Lori asked Rick if it would be okay to invite Connie, over for dinner. And after such a long day, maybe a pizza will do. Rick smiled and nodded his head, giving her a kiss on the forehead.
Connie came over and Carl ran over to give his only aunt a big hug, and she went over to her older sister and rubbed Lori's growing belly. After a nice dinner, and Rick took Carl upstairs to make sure he brushed his teeth before going to bed. Lori and Connie chatted for a while before Lori asked her if she was having any dreams about their father or uncle. Connie's reaction told her everything.
The two sisters talked and cried until two in the morning. Lori told Connie to sleep on the couch rather than make the drive home.
"Well, I pull rank here. It's too late, and after hours of crying you need to be with family. I'm the big sister, and I'm telling you to sleep here."
Connie smiled, washed up in the guest bathroom, and Lori gave her a pair of her own pajamas, and she soon fell asleep on the couch.
Lori went up to bed, washed up and got into her pajamas, and slipped into bed with Rick. He was still awake and pulled her into a hug.
"You okay?"
"Bastards did the same to her."
"I'm sorry."
"Thanks. How do I start to put it back together?"
"You will. With time, you will."
She snuggled into him, they exchanged kisses and "I love yous," and she fell asleep with her head on his chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat.
Rick stayed awake all night, listening to the sound of his wife breathing, and picturing the hell she went through as a little kid. Those assholes. If he knew, he would have killed the men himself. He thought back to how the intimacy was when they first got together. Their first time was after they date each other for a year. She was seventeen, shaking, and clearly uncomfortable.
He asked if she wanted to stop, but she said no. Maybe that was due to what her friends were telling her. She wanted the lights off in the room. They tried, but she started crying. She said she wanted to make him happy, and his teenaged brain took over. They were alone in his mother's home, so he made her a drink, Jack and Coke, which she drank quickly. After a second drink, they began to make love. He could tell that he wasn't her first, but didn't care…he just wanted to be with her. Even now, after almost fourteen years of marriage, she gets intimidated by him sometimes. He always wondered why, and now he knows. He thought about the molesters he arrested, and it's always worse when a small child is the victim. He tried to clear his head from the image of a five year of Lori being held down by her uncle and raped by her own father. He wrapped his arms around his wife, and kissed her forehead.
Eventually sleep claimed him.
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The Bargaining Chip