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Adam	By : kattanon Category: S through Z > The Shield Views: 1482 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own The Shield, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Disclaimer: - I don�t own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.

Adam Chapter 12
Picking at a non-existent thread on his chocolate brown sweater for the tenth time in as many minutes Dutch resisted the urge to get up and pace back and forth across the room. Instead he let out a long, slow breath and forced himself to relax, leaning his head against the back of his chair and stared up at the square, white tiles on the ceiling. He was so absorbed in counting the little indentations in each tile that when the tentative knock at the door came it made him jump.
Quickly scrambling to stand up Dutch mentally kicked himself for the slightly high pitched, slightly panicky, sound to his voice when he called out,
"Come in."
He felt a little better though when he didn�t take a step back or flinch when the door swung open to reveal Claudette standing there.
For a moment neither spoke and Dutch thought that maybe Claudette looked even more nervous than he felt, and oddly that made him relax a little.
Waving his arm to indicate the other chair in the room he said in a much less strained and more natural tone of voice,
"Come on in Claudette. Sit down. I won�t bite or freak out on you again�I promise."
He even managed to summon up one of his lop sided smiles for her, but his lame attempt at humour fell rather flat when he saw Claudette tense up at the allusion to their last meeting. But she did finally cross the threshold and come into his room, the door closing behind her. Dutch sat down in his own chair and was relieved when Claudette finally stopped staring at him as if she expected him to either disappear or fall apart, and crossed the room to the other chair and took a seat too.
There was silence for a moment and then they both spoke at once their words jarring against each other,
"How are you�"
"It�s good to�"
They both abruptly broke off what they were saying and Dutch indicated for Claudette to speak interested to hear what she had to say.
"How are you feeling? Doctor Bennett says you�re doing really well."
"She�s right," Dutch assured her, "I�m feeling much better, more grounded� About last time Claudette I�m really sorry it�s just�Well it�s hard to explain�"
"That�s okay Dutch. Don�t worry about it I�m just so happy that you�re�here�that you�re alive."
Claudette�s voice broke a little on that last word and made Dutch feel a little guilty. Because while Claudette was obviously pleased to see him all he could think about were the times when he�d been all alone and the darkness had worn her face and spoken in her voice taunting and tormenting him. He could feel panic rising up within him and gripped the arm of his chair so hard that his knuckles stood out stark and white against the pale green of the chair. He quickly released his grip and dropped his hands into his lap. He needed this meeting to go well. He needed Claudette to give a positive report back to Doctor Bennett, because Dutch had no doubt that the doctor would be questioning Claudette very closely to find out what she thought of him and his state of mind. So pushing the phantom Claudette away Dutch smoothed a hand down the front of his sweater and said,
"Thanks for the clothes Claudette. It was really good of you to think of it. It�s good to have some of my own things to wear. But I�m curious, why? Why�d you keep them?"
"Didn�t Doctor Bennett tell you?" Claudette asked.
Wanting to hear what Claudette�s reasons were for himself he shook his head so she continued.
"I kept them�just in case. I never gave up Dutch I swear. I worked with the FBI; I worked on finding you in my own time. I was always looking for you. It�s just�there was nothing. No witnesses, virtually no forensics, no motive that we could see."
Claudette looked earnest and sincere as she spoke, but Dutch couldn�t keep a touch of bitterness from his voice when he replied,
"I don�t doubt it Claudette. I always hoped someone would still be looking for me. It was just a shame no one found me a little sooner."
The smile that accompanied his words felt cold and brittle on his face.
He watched as Claudette�s face fell a little at his words and tone and although he felt a little pang of conscience that he�d hurt her he also felt a degree of satisfaction too. He�d spent too long at the beginning of his captivity positive that he�d be rescued at any minute. As time had passed he�d spent too long trying to convince himself that they were still looking for him. The first few nights he�d spent with Taylor he�d spent too long silently praying that someone would come and get him. After his botched escape attempt and the time he�d once again spent locked up in the dark as punishment thinking he was to be abandoned to die there he�d finally, truly given up. The brutal pain he�d felt inside as the last grain of hope had died inside him had left him feeling raw and bloodied inside and it still echoed inside him now, it was a wound that had never healed. So if Claudette felt a little hurt by his attitude, he concluded it was nothing compared to what he�d felt when she hadn�t come for him. Unable to resist rubbing salt into the wound he added in a deceptively light tone,
"Do you have a new partner?"
Claudette squirmed a little uncomfortably in her seat before she replied,
"Yeah, his name�s Josh Yendall he transferred to The Barn from south side. He�s young, a little green but he�s a good cop�Look Dutch the department insisted I take a new partner, I resisted for months, I argued�"
Dutch interrupted her holding up his hand, and although he was taken aback by the betrayal he felt he hid it as he said,
"It�s okay Claudette. I understand. I�m not judging you. Besides," he added trying to smile but finally failing to do so, "with me gone they needed their next best detective back in the game."
Claudette stared at him for a moment and Dutch finally managed to get his facial muscles under control. Because Christ, if he could manage to smile while a monster fucked him in the ass night after night then he could smile at someone who obviously had forgotten him no matter what she said. It just proved what he�d come to understand so well, one of the lessons Taylor had taught him � trust no one. Everyone let you down in the end.
She bought it, whether she actually believed his smile to be genuine or if she just desperately wanted to believe it, wanted to believe he didn�t blame her he didn�t know, and he found he didn�t much care. He watched her relax slightly and she smiled back.
Dutch chided himself for allowing his bitterness towards the people who had failed to help him show. If he wanted to get Claudette on his side he�d have to do better than that. Remembering a conversation they�d once had when he�d asked Claudette how she could tell a witness was lying even if she couldn�t understand the Korean the woman spoke, she�d replied, "It�s not what they say, it�s how they say it." So knowing that she was a great believer in body language Dutch forced himself to relax before he asked her with a small smile,
"I don�t supposed you kept any of my CD�s along with some of my clothes did you?"
"Sorry." Claudette said before adding. "But I think your ex Lucy has some of your stuff�Some photo albums and some letters I think."
"You�ve spoken to her?" He asked in surprise.
"Well yeah, you�d left her as your next of kin in your file so the department left the arrangements about your house to her."
"I never got around to changing it after the divorce." Dutch explained before snorting softly and saying, "I�m surprised she didn�t just burn it all."
There was a silence between them then and Dutch thought Claudette looked a little embarrassed. They�d never really talked about the breakdown of his marriage and his divorce since it had taken place before his transfer to The Barn, but he didn�t doubt that the department grapevine had filled her in on all the juiciest details.
Claudette finally broke the silence just when the weight of it was beginning to become oppressive,
"I could go and see her if you�d like. See what she has and get it back for you so that when�when you get out of here you�ll have some familiar things to come home to."
The smile on his face was totally genuine then. Dutch liked the sound of that, the possibility that he might soon be leaving the hospital, because that�s how he interpreted Claudette�s words. He wondered briefly if she and Doctor Bennett had discussed the possibility of his being discharged and so knew he really had to make a good impression on Claudette since he didn�t doubt now that she was spying for the good doctor and would be reporting back to her.
"That would be great Claudette I�d really appreciate it. I�m not sure if Lucy and me can be civil to each other yet so if you�d run interference for me I�d be grateful. It�ll be good to have my own place again, you know once Doctor Bennett thinks I�m ready."
"I�m sure it won�t be long Dutch. You�re doing so well. Have um�have the Feds spoken to you about Fitzgerald yet?"
Dutch could hear the hatred and contempt in her voice when Claudette said Taylor�s name, she virtually spat it out as if just saying the syllables was poisonous to her.
"Not them as such they told Doctor Bennett and she informed me during one of our therapy sessions. It was�well it was a shock but I guess a relief too. I mean I won�t have to testify in court now and well I can just concentrate on me you know�just get on with getting better and putting it all behind me."
He didn�t think he should tell Claudette that when Doctor Bennett had sat him down and told him that she�d been informed that Taylor was dead, murdered in jail by someone the FBI thought was in the pay of the Colombian drug�s cartels, that he�d gone so pale the doctor had thought he was going to pass out. So had he for a few moments. He�d felt sick, all his strength had drained from his body at her words and it had taken everything in him to hold it together long enough to ask if they could skip the session and if he could go back to his room. Thank God Doctor Bennett had agreed after firmly telling him that they�d talk things through at their next meeting, and he�d managed to stumble back to his room without embarrassing himself. He�d saved that up until he�d locked himself in his bathroom and had pulled off his scrubs and gotten into the shower. Doing what he used to do when he was Taylor�s prisoner, letting the hot water disguise his tears.
Even now he wasn�t entirely sure whom he�d been crying for that day. For himself � the relief, the freedom, the slaying of his monster. Or for Taylor � his saviour from the darkness, the man who�s every whim he�d tried to anticipate and fulfill, the man who had been able to bring him pleasure or pain.
Just thinking about it brought an odd kind of pain clawing at his heart and he suddenly needed to be alone.
"Um�look Claudette I don�t want to be rude or anything, but I�m kinda tired so�"
He left the sentence hanging and Claudette immediately nodded saying,
"Of course, of course�I�ll ah�make a move then." They both stood as she added. "It�s been really great to see you Dutch�I�ve missed you so much."
Once more her voice broke as she spoke and Dutch took a step forward and a little awkwardly he embraced her gently. Claudette hesitated for a second before her arms wrapped around him and she hugged him.
Despite the fact that he really loathed to be touched by anyone, even casually, now and that this was the most intimate contact he�d had with anybody since that last night with Taylor, Dutch didn�t flinch and he resisted the urge to push her away letting her break the embrace first and step away.
He smiled his lop sided smile at her until she closed the door behind her, and it stayed frozen there until he finally felt himself relax. He hoped the meeting had gone well and that Claudette would give Doctor Bennett a positive report. This was his escape plan and this time he was determined he wouldn�t get caught, it wouldn�t fail. This time he wouldn�t have to prostitute himself to beg for forgiveness.
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Adam