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You Can't Fight a Tidal Wave	By : madradena Category: Star Trek > The Next Generation Views: 1693 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own ST:TNG nor Dreamland, nor the characters from either. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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"Well, this little girl is progressing better and better." Beverly praised as she was moving the tricorder over Spot the next morning. The cat was taking a nap on Data's desk and couldn't care less about the fact that she was being examined. Data stroked Spot's fur gently as Beverly took the tricorder away. The doctor went on "I think she needs only a few more weeks of strict diet, and then we can ease up on it a little." she waited for Data to reply, but he remained silent - he barely said two words since she was in his quarters. "What do you think of that?" she tried to coax at least some sort of reaction out of him.
He looked up at her, his hand still resting on his cat "I am very glad to hear that she will be healthy soon, Doctor!" he replied silently.
After a short moment, Beverly stepped to him and touched his arm. He looked at her hand then at her almost shocked as she talked: "Now, we just have to make sure, her owner would get just as healthy." she told him on a soft voice.
"As you know very well, I cannot be sick, Doctor Crusher."
Beverly squeezed his arm gently: "Being healthy in the body is one thing, Data, you know that."
A bitter expression appeared on his face at this. He pulled away from her touch: "Despite how it must look from the reports of Counsellor Troi about my current mental state, I am not crazy, Doctor."
"Nobody said anything like that, Data. Everybody's worried about you. As we all have been ever since..."
"So you were right." Data cut her off on a flat tone, and nodded "I suppose being right, for a human means a lot. So I am gratified to give you that satisfaction."
"Please, don't do this!" she pleaded.
He looked around and at himself confused: "I am not doing anything." Slowly Spot started to stir and wake up.
Beverly tried again patiently: "I mean, don't just dismiss your friends' worry. Listen..." Data in the mean time picked Spot up and cuddled her close. The cat purred softly in his arms leaning her head to his jawline. He didn't seem to really care about what Beverly had to say.
"I am not dismissing anything." Data declared finally "I only would like to be alone." he explained, and despite his words, he dismissively turned and went to his sleeping area.
Beverly was shocked at his behaviour. Even without emotions, Data was nothing but polite all his life - and the way he was acting just now was outright rude. She couldn't help but be reminded how Westley was sulking around, when he was an adolescent going through an emotionally difficult time - like when he was breaking up with a girlfriend. She frowned suddenly angry.
"You stop right there, young man!" she blurted out, and as Data turned back to her, they both were looking at each other surprised at her choice of words. She then decided that she might as well just go down that road, if she had stepped on it. She walked up to him and looked straight into his eyes "If you walk out on me ever again the way you just did, I will have no choice but to fill in the gaps your mother has left in your politeness program, but I swear you won't enjoy that one bit!"
He looked at her gaping for a moment considering the seriousness of that threat - the Doctor was no programmer, but she seemed to mean every word. She was angry. He made her angry at him. He bowed his head almost pouting, holding Spot close: "I did not mean to be rude, Doctor Crusher." he told her on a mutter, though Beverly still had the impression that he was sulking.
"That's better! Now you'll sit down, and listen to what I have to tell you." she ordered strictly, and he obeyed reluctantly. As she sat next to him on the bed, Spot - having enough of enduring the presence of a guest - jumped off of his lap and disappeared under the bed with a slight hiss.
"Data. Having a horrible memory is not the end of the world. Neither is being relieved of duty. I have been in your shoes, so you can believe me. But being rude and dismissive with your friends is not the right answer to life kicking you in the butt. Believe me, you'll regret it, when you feel better." He sat there rigidly with a straight back at the edge of the bed, his hands clasped together in his lap. She knew she somehow needed to get through that thick android skull of his, so she gently touched his hand, disentangled his fingers and took one of his hands in hers. He looked at her and seemed to be scared.
"Don't be frightened." she told him smiling gently at his look.
And there he was again! In engineering. With the Borg Queen, when she was telling him the same thing. "Don't be frightened." he heard her voice. "I'm not frightened." he replied not being able to cover his emotions creeping into his features. He saw her face and felt the strange sensation her presence created in him: he was not frightened indeed. He was rather intrigued, curious and started to be attracted to her.
Just over three seconds later, he finally heard the doctor's voice again: "Data... Do you hear me?" he turned his head confused to meet her worried gaze. Is this never going to end?! his thoughts screamed.
"Yes, doctor." he said on a dry whisper turning away from her again. She didn't let his hand go. And he was grateful, because her grip felt like an anchor to reality.
After a long moment, she asked "What does Deanna say about all this?"
Data took a long breath to lower his suddenly peaking body temperature, then turned to Beverly with a calmer expression "She thinks I will make a full recovery. She also hopes that it will be faster than it would be for a human. My brain works in a different way than a human brain does. She bases her assumption of my expedited recovery on the fact that I have been able to live with the flashbacks with a relatively long time without much interference to my everyday life. Humans are not able to control their cognitive functions the way I am able to."
She squeezed his hand in hers "That's very good news, Data." she told him on a soft voice "It means we'll get you back soon." He bowed his head at this, and she went on "You know that everybody is missing you, don't you? I at least see you at the rehearsals, and the others saw you during Bridge duty - well not anymore - but it's really not the same as having you in our lives the way we used to do. At the poker nights or at Ten Forward or listening to your violin concerts... You'd be surprised how many times you creep into our conversations... it's strange what small things are missed, when you feel you lost someone." she added on a rueful voice.
He looked at her shocked. She was talking about him almost as if he was dead or if he had left the ship for good! This time, he was the one squeezing her hand: "But Doctor! You have not lost me. I am here."
"But you're pushing us away. You want us to leave you alone. You want us to... lose you."
"I am not, I am only..." he bowed his head and just trailed off.
"Just say it! Please." she pushed him a little further.
He looked back at her with desperation in his eyes: "I am... ashamed..." he whispered finally.
"Ashamed?! Why?" she asked shocked.
Data looked at her just as shocked: "You said you read the report. And you do not know?"
"Why don't you rather tell me?" she did have some idea, but it was more important to let him speak about his feelings.
He shook his head not really knowing what to say, if she was not able to see the point even after reading the report. "But you know what I did..." he shook his head again.
"Data..." she stroked the back of his hand with her thumb "You did nothing wrong. She seduced you. Nobody blames you for how you felt or acted when you were kept captive!"
He looked at her with a desperate expression "But I did kill her!" She looked at him surprised and confused at this as he went on "I keep asking myself: was there any other choice? ...My programming allows me to use deadly force only in direct self-defence. Like with the Borg drones. I had to protect Captain Picard and myself directly from them. But with her... it was different! I had to override all the safety routines, all precautions, everything to be able to... to kill her. If my father or Doctor Maddox was here, they would have deactivated me the moment they learned about what I did."
"Why would you think that?! For god's sake, you saved the ship, you did the right thing!" she was now really shocked at what he was saying. He really was thinking about himself as a murderer! When she had been trying to figure out what his problem could be, this never even crossed her mind!
He shook his head "No. Artificial intelligence should never be able to override the fundamental safety routines of its programming. That is the only way to avoid it to cross from a so called friendly AI to an unfriendly one. That is the thin line that separates me and Lore! However, I have figured out how to override these precautions years ago. When... when I was abducted by Kivas Fajo. It was a fortunate turn of the events that the Enterprise found me, before I fired that gun... And without emotions, ambitions, I had no reason to use that loophole I had created ever again... But I did use it to be able to kill the Queen... Now... I am not much different than Lore." he finished bowing his head and leaving Beverly gaping at him.
It took a whole minute for her to answer him. All that he had said made very logical sense. Still it was all wrong... "Data, listen to me." she looked into his eyes as he turned to her with a disillusioned gaze "Do you think I would be sitting here, holding your hand, if you were anything like Lore?"
He shook his head gazing away helplessly "No, but..." she went on cutting in "You're viewing all of this from a technological point of view. How an artificial intelligence should work in theory. And probably you're right in that sense. However, you're anything but theory, Data. You're a person who got into a very difficult situation. Think about it. If Jean-Luc Picard was in your place that day, what would he have done? Would his choices have been any different from yours? None of us is born a murderer. Taking the life of somebody is the most horrible thing that you could be forced to do but... There are certain circumstances, when a person has to override his or her way of thinking in order to do the right thing for the greater good. Would that change us forever? Yes. Do we have to let it destroy our lives. No. Not at all. You are not Lore. You overrode the safety routine of your programming not because you wanted power over others, or because you wanted to achieve some personal goal the way he did. You did it to save us. And for this, you should not be ashamed, you should be very proud."
Data seemed to process what had been said, still he sat there timidly: "It is very difficult to think about these events the way you do, Doctor. Even if I have to admit that you are making a valid point."
Beverly smiled encouragingly: "Well, you have to try to think about it this way, because all of us do! All your friends. Old and new." For a moment, it seemed to her that a small smile appeared on Data's features, but it was gone just as quickly as it came. She gave his hand one last squeeze then let go and stood up opposite him. "I have to go now. See you in the afternoon at the rehearsal."
He gave her a look of surprise mixed with a bit of fear then straightened his features and nodded: "Yes, Doctor." Then he stood up all of a sudden and stepped up to her with a pleading expression.
She smiled at him encouragingly "What is it, Data?"
"I am sorry that I was rude. And I appreciate your concern and advice. Thank you." he told her silently.
Beverly stroked his arm comfortingly "It's alright. Too many things are going on in your life. It's understandable that it's difficult to keep track and manage them." she hesitated a moment longer "I told this to Emma as well." she added cautiously.
He bowed his head. It WAS confusing. With or without Emma. He then gazed back up at her "Is she... still upset?" he asked on a thin voice.
Beverly took a moment to consider what to answer "Well... I think she understands you. But... you know her, right? At least a little. Don't expect her to be very friendly. She'll try to protect herself just as you do."
He shook his head reluctantly "I never meant to hurt her."
"I know. And believe me, she may try to act as if she doesn't, but she does too." she studied his tortured expression for a moment longer "Don't you want to make peace with her? Are you still so angry at her?"
He seemed utterly frustrated "No. Yes... I do not know. I cannot explain."
She smiled ruefully "Maybe she can understand without you explaining it to her. She told me she felt guilty for making you go to Troi and also that she shouted at you... She is a fiery person and talks a lot sooner than she thinks. If you want to know what I think, she cares about you. More than she would admit to you or herself. Whatever she did, Data, she meant you no harm."
He swallowed suddenly feeling a catch in his throat. Of course, she didn't. He knew it rationally - now he felt it as well. His anger slowly dissipated under Beverly's soft words and left him with that loss he had felt, when Emma shouted at him and ran out on him at the holodeck. He again felt utterly confused. Just like, when he'd last turned off his emotion-chip. Only now, his switch to turn it off was still not functioning. He felt cornered, he had no choice, had to face whatever he had to feel. Without a better option to escape, he tried to grab hold of his remaining rationality and stick to it as much as he could.
"Doctor Crusher." he gazed into her eyes with such a sad expression that Beverly felt her heart wanted to break under it "Whether I am still angry or not is irrelevant. Maybe it is better this way. Rationally, there was no reason to back up our fleeting wish to be a ...a couple." he only whispered the last word.
"The affairs of the heart can never be completely rational, Data." she put a gentle hand on his chest above his heart "Listen to your heart, when it calls to you! You may learn more from it than you might realize."
She took her hand away with a smile then stepped to the door. "See you later!" she waved to him once more and was gone. He looked after her for a few moments contemplating that he did have to make a very serious effort of changing his attitude towards his life and his past, if he would ever want to insert himself back into society.
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You Can't Fight a Tidal Wave