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Be A Man	By : cowgirl65 Category: 1 through F > The Big Valley Views: 3052 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I in no way own The Big Valley. I make no money from writing this, just the personal satisfaction of (hopefully!) entertaining those who love the show as much as I do.

Chapter List
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Jarrod wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting there, holding Dave’s hand and counting the rise and fall of each breath. Please, God, let him live, he prayed silently. I’ll give him up if that’s what it takes. I’ll live the rest of my life alone, just please don’t take him. Tears started to roll down his cheeks and he quickly controlled them when he heard the anxious voice ask, “Jarrod? Is my pa gonna die?”
Jarrod turned to see Daniel’s grief-stricken face. He carefully tucked Dave’s hand onto the bed and reached out to put his arms around the boy. “I don’t know, Daniel,” he answered truthfully. There was no use pretending; Daniel was smart enough to see through any pretense.
“He’s got to live, he’s just got to!” Tears did fall down Daniel’s face. Jarrod held him tighter. “I love him, he’s all I’ve got.”
“You wouldn’t be alone, Daniel,” Jarrod reassured him. “I know I could never take his place, but…” Jarrod’s voice caught as he remembered that day just last week and how it felt to know that Dave would trust him with his son. He took a deep breath to steady himself and continued, “Your pa had papers drawn up so you’d live with me if anything ever happened to him.” Daniel sniffled and clung to him fiercely. “But you won’t have to. Your pa will be fine and I’ll take care of both of you until he’s back on his feet.” Jarrod gently moved Daniel out of the way, stood and pushed the boy into the chair. “You sit and talk to him. I’ll give you some time alone.”
Daniel nodded and took his father’s hand. Jarrod experienced a brief pang as he thought of the relationship he’d enjoyed with his father when he was Daniel’s age. He knew Daniel was thinking about a career as a lawyer and wondered if Dave would take it amiss when he found out. He hoped he knew the other man well enough to believe that he’d never do what Tom Barkley did to his son.
He quietly left the room and sagged heavily against the wall, looking up when he heard footsteps.
“Jarrod,” Dr. Merar said, “why don’t you go get a bite to eat and change your clothes? I’ll be sure to have someone find you if there’s any change.”
Jarrod looked down, realized he was wearing the same bloodstained shirt and pants from earlier and nodded. “I’ve got extra in my office. I won’t be long.”
The physician gave him a reassuring smile before going in to check on his patient.
Jarrod walked down the street towards his office. He wouldn’t take any longer than necessary; just enough time to change and grab a couple sandwiches for himself and Daniel, as he knew there was no way Dave’s son would be leaving his pa’s side. But he froze when he saw his dark-haired brother stride determinedly across the street. Jarrod braced himself against the expected impact of Nick’s fist.
Nick stopped a few feet from Jarrod and stood uncomfortably, not looking his brother in the eyes. “How is he?”
Jarrod slowly let out the breath he’d been holding. “He’s holding on,” he told Nick cautiously. “Doc says we just have to wait and see. Daniel’s with him now.”
Nick nodded. He adjusted his hat before he met Jarrod’s gaze. “Do you got time to talk?”
Jarrod wasn’t sure what he saw in those hazel eyes, but it wasn’t the disgust and hate he’d feared. He nodded slowly. “I was just on my way to get some clean clothes from my office.” He started walking and Nick kept pace beside him. Neither man said a word as they walked up the steps. Jarrod told his assistant to cancel any appointments for the next couple days and to take the rest of the day off before he ushered Nick into the inner office and closed the door behind them.
Jarrod went to the cabinet and took out the spare shirt and pants he always kept there in case he had to spend the night in town. He tried not to recoil at the sticky feel of Dave’s blood drying on his clothes as he peeled off the pants and shirt and tried not to think of Nick’s eyes on him. He’d never been self-conscious around his brother before but things had changed so he quickly started to pull on the clean clothes.

Nick averted his eyes uncomfortably as Jarrod changed. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t seen his brother in the all-together before; they routinely went bare when they were swimming without their mother or sister around. But that was before. He knew Jarrod was still the same man he’d always known, but knowing and feeling weren’t always the same thing.
“Why, Jarrod?” he finally asked. He looked up to see Jarrod buttoning up his shirt.
“Why what, Nick?” Nick could tell Jarrod was just as uncomfortable. “Why Dave or why men at all?”
Nick let out a deep breath in frustration. “Why any of it? Why Barrett, why men, why your hands were tied… I just don’t understand.”
“And you think I do?” Jarrod paced across the room. “You think I haven’t wished that I could be normal? That I could want what everyone else does, not something that’s…” Jarrod sighed heavily as he shook his head. “That I could enjoy sex like a normal man and maybe have a wife and family of my own?”
“Well, why not?” Nick demanded. “Why can’t you find yourself a good woman and settle down?”
Jarrod whirled to face him. “I tried that, Nick!” he shouted. “All I did was get an innocent woman killed who deserved better!” He slumped down into the chair in front of the desk and buried his head in his hands. “I tried, Nick, but I can’t change who I am. I couldn’t for Father and I can’t for you.” He glanced back up. Nick saw the heartache in Jarrod’s eyes and knew it wasn’t only because Dave was at the doctor’s fighting for his life. He remembered what Heath said, that the love of family was the most important thing in Jarrod’s life and instinctively knew that his brother was afraid he’d lost that love.
“Jarrod, I…” Nick was at an uncharacteristic loss for words, so instead, he walked over to Jarrod, pulled him to his feet and made himself enfold his brother in a firm hug. Jarrod stiffened at first, but eventually relaxed before pulling back to look Nick in the eyes.
“You don’t hate me?” It came out in almost a whisper.
“No, Jarrod, I don’t hate you.” Nick could feel Jarrod start to tremble and pulled him close again, the discomfort he’d felt when they first entered the office melting away. “You’re my brother and I love you. I don’t reckon I’ll ever understand, but there’s no one I’d rather have at my back than you.”

Nick didn’t hate him. Jarrod felt a profound sense of relief wash over him as he returned the embrace before moving away to wipe the moisture from his eyes. “Thanks, Nick.”
Nick gave him a friendly cuff on the arm. “Anytime, big brother.”
Jarrod finished buttoning his shirt and was tucking it in when Nick’s next statement caught him off guard. “I said a couple things that I shouldn’t have after I found out, but don’t worry, Heath set me straight and Mother tore a strip off me up one side and down the other.”
An icy hand clenched Jarrod’s stomach and he grabbed the side of the desk as his knees started to buckle. “Mother knows?” he said in a horrified whisper.
Nick stepped up and gripped Jarrod’s arm. “She loves you, Jarrod, she told me so in no uncertain terms. You gotta know that.”
Jarrod nodded. He did know that, but wondered if their relationship would ever be the same. He couldn’t help feel that he’d disappointed her and let her down. Resolutely pushing those feelings away to deal with later, he stood up. Right now, Dave and Daniel were his first priority. “I’ve gotta get back to the doc’s,” he said as he stood upright.
“Why don’t I grab you something from the café and bring it over?” Nick offered. “I’ll get something for the boy too.”
Jarrod smiled gratefully. “Thanks.”
“Anytime.” As they went into the outer office, Nick stopped Jarrod with a hand on his shoulder. “You’ve always been there for me, Jarrod. If you need me, I’ll be there for you and that’s a fact.”
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Be A Man